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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The relationship section of MN makes my blood boil.

868 replies

aaaaaaaaargh · 30/01/2012 19:42

I will never set virtual foot in there again. I have imprints on my forehead of the keyboard from where I have been banging my head against it. It makes no SENSE!!! I have a jaw like Jacob Marley. There are so many threads like this:

OP: The other day I was a miserable cow, kids were stressing me. He came home to a complete shithole and then proceeded to clean up. I could sense he was a bit miffed at the state of the house so I told him to cook his own fucking dinner. He wanted to tell me about a problem with work, but I was pissed off and told him I wasn't interested, tell someone who gives a shit. He then shouted that I didn't give a toss about him and stomped upstairs. I can't live like this anymore.

Reply: He cleaned up?? How controlling is he? He then tried to make you listen to his work problems? What about YOUR problems?

Reply: He's emotionally abusive, but you know this don't you.

Reply: Definitely controlling, he doesn't care about what you want. He wanted to make you clean up and listen to his problems. Why the fuck are you cooking his dinner?

Reply: He shouted at you? This is abusive behaviour. You don't have to put up with this, you need to really think about how to proceed. Has he shouted before? This isn't normal.

Reply: Well actually, you weren't too pleasant to him. Perhaps you should look at YOUR behaviour.

Reply (to above poster): Great support there, this woman lives with an emotional abuser. Don't speak if you haven't got anything constructive to say. Don't listen to that poster OP.

Etc, etc....

I know that a lot of people in seriously abusive or violent situations have been helped in this section, and that that is an extremely good thing, before you point that out to me.

But some of the replies on other threads!!! Madness.

OP posts:
ClaraSage · 02/02/2012 09:08

Gosh! People do get carried away. Couldn't really be bothered with the 'jokes' as maybe I am a bit think but didn't actually get them and saw them as a way to bully and belittle the OP.
The Op's opinion is valid and she has made it well. It struck a cord with many. 30 pages long.

aaaaaaargh · 02/02/2012 09:32

Clara. A fair few people have issues with comprehension, this thread is a great example..

Me: I don't think you should automatically assume that someone's OP is abusive/controlling etc. I think the replies should be more considered. Also a lot of people are forceful in their views.

SOME peoples responses: OMFG. Did you just read that?? She said ALL women on the relationships board DESERVE to be abused. Flame her.

Me: I really don't like the misandry that exists here.

SOME peoples responses: Right. This woman HATES other women, she said so. She is probably male actually. In fact, definitely. Well, maybe not definitely, but pretty likely. Flame her/him.

. Welcome to MN Smile.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 02/02/2012 09:52

OK, you don't want to link to other threads because they're too sensitive (even though the ones you're complaining about are specifically the ones where women aren't being abused, so actually not that sensitive at all?)

....but go ahead and point out the posters on this thread who accused you of saying "ALL women on the relationships board DESERVE to be abused".

notfluffyatall · 02/02/2012 10:55

I'm not sure why some are being so defensive. Maybe a few chords being struck.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 02/02/2012 11:32

I mean, ultimately, OP, you're pissed off because there are people on the Internet who don't agree with you, right?

That's never going to be the recipe for a happy and fulfilled life now, is it?

I don't want to come over all hippy here, but just breathe in... breathe out... let it go.

Disagree on the threads you want to disagree on, there will be plenty of people backing you up - at least half a dozen on here, some of whom are very prolific posters.

And you must have noticed that the most popular response to 'Your husband is abusing you' is not; 'You're right! I shall leave today!' but; 'No, no, he's a good dad and lovely most of the time'. Regardless of the level of abuse suffered.
So it's not like the problem you have perceived is causing problems in real life, is it?

bigsquiz · 02/02/2012 12:10

boulevard did you mean that to sound as patronising as it does?

AltShiftDelete · 02/02/2012 12:16

I must be patronising too as i agree with Boulevard

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 02/02/2012 12:45

Not at all! I'm just in a particularly mellow mood this morning Smile

Even though I got very little sleep and the car broke down Hmm. Go figure!

ArtexMonkey · 02/02/2012 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laptopwieldingharpy · 02/02/2012 13:02

Agree with OP

Whatmeworry · 02/02/2012 13:04

I mean, ultimately, OP, you're pissed off because there are people on the Internet who don't agree with you, right?

Actually, I think 737 posts in a few days means there are quite a lot of people who do agree with the OP. That is the real lesson to take away here.

BIWI · 02/02/2012 13:14

Yep. Some people agree with the OP and some people disagree with her.

It was ever thus.

MN is a huge site and it would be incredible if this were not the case.

A real non-thread, IMVHO.

flippinada · 02/02/2012 14:03

The 'silent majority who agree but daren't post' argument is bizarre.

Tbh, if masses of people are sitting there thinking hey, you know what OP is right and this needs saying, there's nothing to stop them posting their support is there?

Controversial and/or stirry threads always attract a lot of posts. So do salacious threads about celebs. It doesn't mean anything profound.

aaaaaaargh · 02/02/2012 14:46

#..but go ahead and point out the posters on this thread who accused you of saying "ALL women on the relationships board DESERVE to be abused".

I used that as a parody. Not as a statement of fact. So it would be extremely difficult to point out the posters, as no one has actually said that exact sentence.

But you taking that as a statement of fact, does kind of illustrate what I was saying. So thanks Smile

aaaaaaargh · 02/02/2012 15:04

#I mean, ultimately, OP, you're pissed off because there are people on the Internet who don't agree with you, right?

No, that's not it at all. If I'm pissed off with anything it's the premise that because a lot of people HAVE been helped on the relationships board, and found it a lifeline (which I totally accept), anything I have to say is completely invalidated, despite other people posting that they found what I was saying to be the case, and that I had a point.

Maybe I have made my point clumsily, but the wilful misinterpretation, or just misinterpretation by some posters, is shocking.

notfluffyatall · 02/02/2012 16:13

Misinterpretation and misrepresentation is exactly what happens on the very threads we're attempting to discuss.

Then it just turns into a bitch-fest, it's just shameful to be honest. Shame because there are some really cool people on this forum, it's just that the voices who bitch, taunt and suffer from extreme intolerance are the loudest.

Whatmeworry · 02/02/2012 16:24

The 'silent majority who agree but daren't post' argument is bizarre. Tbh, if masses of people are sitting there thinking hey, you know what OP is right and this needs saying, there's nothing to stop them posting their support is there?

I disagree, i think a lot of posters are put off boards if there is a bitchy cabal on them.

And initial protest comes from these sort of threads, when I joined MN a similar thing to this happened re MN Feminists and a bunch of thraesd like this came on in short order. I think it had a big impact on people's confidence to know that lots of others agreed with them.

notfluffyatall · 02/02/2012 16:34

I think you've hit on something there, a lot of posters are put off by the potential of a bitch fest. I've heard so many posters say that they avoid the relationship threads like the plague because they can pretty much assume that if they disagree with the consensus they'll pay for it. That's not healthy.

There's therefore a core of posters who have free reign over there to spout their, often very misguided, "advice". They've had it their way for so long they actually believe they shouldn't be challenged and anyone who does is treated like shit fir doing so.

flippinada · 02/02/2012 16:48

Um, 'pay for it' - 'treated like shit' ?

Sounds a bit melodramatic to me. Unless you think being disagreed with is just the worst thing ever. In which case the world of internet fora is not for you.

flippinada · 02/02/2012 16:48

Um, 'pay for it' - 'treated like shit' ?

Sounds a bit melodramatic to me. Unless you think being disagreed with is just the worst thing ever. In which case the world of internet fora is not for you.

flippinada · 02/02/2012 16:49

Sorry for double post there, bloody phone :-) .

TheTruthHurts · 02/02/2012 16:58

I have ummed and arhhed over whether to resign to mumsnet to contribute to this thread or not.

Then someone posted the line about "the silent majority".

Well I'm going to speak as someone who feels like they are part of that group and deliberately left Mumsnet over a number of the issues that aaaaaaargh has thankfully and very rightfully pointed out.

I have continued to read the forum, since leaving as I feel there are useful topics in between all the shit. But I no longer wish to take part in discussions due to the bullying, willful and nasty twisting and worst still, in my eyes, misandry of the forum. I can't stand it. It makes me embarrassed to be a woman.

There is a very real problem on Mumsnet that too many people are blindly and wilfully ignoring in many cases as it suits them. Mumsnet should be for everyone. Sadly its not. There are too many topics that become "off limits" and too many opinions that simply can not be expressed without certain people going nuts. Its a real shame.

I don't see the problem as being the relationship section though sadly. Its the whole forum.

Today alone I could point out a whole bunch of threads where this is going on. Both in AIBU and the relationship section.

Thing is nothing is going to change and as good as it is to have threads like this, I think the problem is now institutionalised in MN as being the norm and acceptable. Like I say. Its a shame.

I felt driven from the site for having an opinion that didn't fit in with a "woman's" agenda. I have only re signed up today to express this as it was appropriate and in the context of the thread. I will be deleting my account again immediately rather than get drawn into this again and undoubtably another slagging match and accusations about my motives and whether I am a real poster...

The "silent majority" don't put up. They just leave...

BasilRathbone · 02/02/2012 17:01

Well tbh most people are not used to being disagreed with.

Outside of academia and politics, it really isn't normal to thrash out political debate and pull apart ideas. The norm in polite English households, is to just steer off that subject before it becomes controversial and ruins the atmosphere.

As a consequence, everyone stays friends and debate stays at an asinine, very dull level. And then when people come on t'interweb and people actually are pulling apart ideas (not pulling apart in a negative sense - pulling them apart to find out what they consist of and what bits of them are valid) they are left reeling in shock because they are simply not used to their ideas being openly challenged. So they perceive it as bullying or bitchfesting.

If you don't like that, you won't like mumsnet or some of the political sites on the interweb. If you do, you'll like it and stay.

MitchieInge · 02/02/2012 17:02

just as well really, it is already too big and busy these days - imagine if nobody ever left?

it's the way it goes isn't it? Some groups you fit into and some you don't.

BasilRathbone · 02/02/2012 17:03

Sorry, cross-posted, taht was in response to flippinada

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