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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

The relationship section of MN makes my blood boil.

868 replies

aaaaaaaaargh · 30/01/2012 19:42

I will never set virtual foot in there again. I have imprints on my forehead of the keyboard from where I have been banging my head against it. It makes no SENSE!!! I have a jaw like Jacob Marley. There are so many threads like this:

OP: The other day I was a miserable cow, kids were stressing me. He came home to a complete shithole and then proceeded to clean up. I could sense he was a bit miffed at the state of the house so I told him to cook his own fucking dinner. He wanted to tell me about a problem with work, but I was pissed off and told him I wasn't interested, tell someone who gives a shit. He then shouted that I didn't give a toss about him and stomped upstairs. I can't live like this anymore.

Reply: He cleaned up?? How controlling is he? He then tried to make you listen to his work problems? What about YOUR problems?

Reply: He's emotionally abusive, but you know this don't you.

Reply: Definitely controlling, he doesn't care about what you want. He wanted to make you clean up and listen to his problems. Why the fuck are you cooking his dinner?

Reply: He shouted at you? This is abusive behaviour. You don't have to put up with this, you need to really think about how to proceed. Has he shouted before? This isn't normal.

Reply: Well actually, you weren't too pleasant to him. Perhaps you should look at YOUR behaviour.

Reply (to above poster): Great support there, this woman lives with an emotional abuser. Don't speak if you haven't got anything constructive to say. Don't listen to that poster OP.

Etc, etc....

I know that a lot of people in seriously abusive or violent situations have been helped in this section, and that that is an extremely good thing, before you point that out to me.

But some of the replies on other threads!!! Madness.

OP posts:

aaaaaaargh · 02/02/2012 17:13

TheTruthHurts - It's a shame you are leaving again, but I understand why. Thanks for taking the time to give such a considered post .

notfluffyatall · 02/02/2012 17:17

"they are left reeling in shock because they are simply not used to their ideas being openly challenged. So they perceive it as bullying or bitchfesting. "

You're getting that bit wrong. The ones that are challenged are the ones that end up bullying and bitching, not the challengers in my experience. It's like I said, because of the reputation certain sections, especially relationships, has, posters stay away, giving the regulars free reign, god forbid anyone challenges them.

Well said TheTruthHurts. I've said time and again I find it embarrassing and it goes a long way to explaining the reputation MN has outside, as a bunch of screeching women with agendas.

I just can't understand how quickly it turns into a bitch session or downright bullying. It says nothing positive about our gender. I've looked at other forums, I'm a regular on one and this is unique to MN.

BIWI · 02/02/2012 17:21

"There's therefore a core of posters who have free reign over there to spout their, often very misguided, "advice". They've had it their way for so long they actually believe they shouldn't be challenged and anyone who does is treated like shit fir doing so"

Really?

Which posters, exactly?

BIWI · 02/02/2012 17:25

TheTruthHurts/notfluffyatall

I don't mean this to sound rude, although it probably does - can't think of a kinder way to say this. But possibly MN isn't for you anyway?

I think it's a fabulous place. Yes, there are people on here who irritate the hell out of me, with their ignorance or bigoted views, or even just those who think David Cameron is A Good Thing , but in the main it's a hugely enjoyable forum for passionate and (mostly) intelligent debate.

If posters haven't got the confidence or guts to state their own experience, from behind the safety of their anonymous user name and screen then perhaps they belong somewhere a little less robust and direct?

I am, frankly, not in the least concerned what the outside world thinks about MN or what our supposed reputation is out there. I don't have to care about it as I don't own the site.

Why does it matter to you?

This is a serious question, and not just an aggressive 'have a go' post. (Although I can see it might read like that - it's not meant to, really!)

notfluffyatall · 02/02/2012 17:27

I couldn't even rhyme off the names, I wouldn't choose to anyway.I'm not sure it's appropriate to.

BIWI · 02/02/2012 17:28

But it's appropriate to throw around accusations about posters and how horrible they are on those threads without any evidence?

KatieMiddleton · 02/02/2012 17:28

To all those who don't like it: Just hide the topic.

porcamiseria · 02/02/2012 17:29

I can see what truth hurts means

there are some topics on MN that you cant even go there on. Now it kind of amuses me sometimes, but if you are a sensitive soul.....

MN is a refuge for some types, and if you dare go against their view...

Extended BF, classic example of this

MitchieInge · 02/02/2012 17:30

MN's success speaks for itself really. A handful of disgruntled people, who feel uneasy with the general ethos of this site, are just impotent against the tide.

BIWI · 02/02/2012 17:30

And while I'm at it:

Can I just point out that everyone has free rein on Mumsnet. Nobody is stopping anybody posting. If you feel another poster is arguing against you, argue back! And if it's bullying then report it to MNHQ.

Or, as Kate so eloquently puts it, just hide the topic ...

notfluffyatall · 02/02/2012 17:39

I have had some really good discussions on here (never on relationships), that's why I stick around, there are some really nice people, I've said that.

I was hoping this would maybe, possibly, be a good discussion but criticism isn't taken too well. I know what you mean about the anonymity but we are also very real people. The fact that in relationships there are some very real people going through some very real issues is a good reflection of that.

On my first foray into the relationships thread I was bated and bated, at the beginning it didn't bother me, water off a duck's back etc etc, but a group of posters went on and on (even after I'd left the thread) taking the piss. Eventually they started on about my personal relationship, twisting something I had said earlier. At that point I hadn't seen my SO for about 6-7 weeks, I ended up in tears. I know I was emotional anyway, I know I shouldn't let random internet freaks get to me but they did. I'm human, with all the feelings human's have.

I can take direct, I can take robust, no one should have to take personal insults, bating, goading and bullying. I love nothing better than a good debate, but I'm not up for the infantile bitching that goes on here quite often.

I also feel for the "couples" whose marriages/relationships may be affected by someone misguidedly asking for advice on here. Maybe there is a lot of good advice given, but often it's lost in among the absolute crap that's spouted.

notfluffyatall · 02/02/2012 17:41

"But it's appropriate to throw around accusations about posters and how horrible they are on those threads without any evidence?"

The evidence is in the other posters coming on to agree with the OP. If any one poster feels this is directed at them then maybe the penny's dropping, good.

flippinada · 02/02/2012 17:44

Yes good point Basil.

What others perceive as 'bitching' is really just a bunch of women debating/arguing with each other, isn't it?

Which I think is great, and in fact is one of the reasons I like MN so much. I guess a lot of people agree as it's a very popular place.

MitchieInge · 02/02/2012 17:45

if the board is that crap people won't use it, and if the advice is shockingly poor nobody will take it. Do you think the users of that section are incapable of deciding for themselves which responses to their thread are helpful and which aren't?

you are, of course, free to set yourself up as a relationship guru on those very boards if you want - or elsewhere?

flippinada · 02/02/2012 17:48

"I am, frankly, not in the least concerned what the outside world thinks about MN or what our supposed reputation is out there"

I agree. Do people who post on here (apart from the site owners, who as BIWI says have reason to) really worry that much about how MN comes across to others?

notfluffyatall · 02/02/2012 17:51

"What others perceive as 'bitching' is really just a bunch of women debating/arguing with each other, isn't it?"

This is the embarrassing part.

"Do you think the users of that section are incapable of deciding for themselves which responses to their thread are helpful and which aren't?"

Well, there was a poster yesterday who was told to leave her controlling, abusive, gaslighting husband immediately on her thread who was then talked out of it by her friend. She's so relieved she didn't leave, she was so vulnerable that she had actually effectively been brainwashed. She's happily married, she had a bad patch, that was all.

notfluffyatall · 02/02/2012 17:51

"Do people who post on here (apart from the site owners, who as BIWI says have reason to) really worry that much about how MN comes across to others?"

I worries me the impression it gives of women in general to be honest.

aaaaaaargh · 02/02/2012 17:53

#Do you think the users of that section are incapable of deciding for themselves which responses to their thread are helpful and which aren't?

Do you think, that if someone asks for advice, 50 people saying the same thing isn't influential? And how do we know that those 50 people are saying the right thing? I think other peoples relationships are too individual for the one size fits all approach.

echt · 02/02/2012 17:56

notfluffyatall, don't get your point on 17.51, post. Surely everything's fine then? The OP did decide for herself. Who was brainwashing - the posters?

Also, in your next post who on earth should women be impressing?

echt · 02/02/2012 17:58

aaargh may I draw your attention to the disclaimer at the top of the Relationship forum?

Are you really saying OPs should ask for advice and then not pay any attention to it?

flippinada · 02/02/2012 17:59

"I worries me the impression it gives of women in general to be honest"

Oh well that's a shame, but you're entitled to your opinion.

I think people will draw their own conclusions.

As I say, MN seems to be pretty popular site, (albeit not for everyone) and there lots of posters who have been here for years. That speaks for itself, I think.

notfluffyatall · 02/02/2012 18:03

echt

She was going to leave her husband based on the advice she was given here, possibly had she not seen the friend that talked her out of it she would have left him. I'm not sure which part of that you don't understand.

I'm not entering into some feminist shit about how women have nothing to prove to anyone. I'm just not going to satisfy the stereotype of bitchy hags who can't hold an intelligent debate without resorting to backbiting and bating.

MitchieInge · 02/02/2012 18:03

I don't understand what is meant by impression of women either, who gives a fuck? It's just people, sorry, women, talking to one another. Like on netmums, are you happy with the impression they give? Do you go to Roll On Friday and warn them that they bring the legal profession into disrepute by acting like a bunch of immature cunts?

aaaaaaargh · 02/02/2012 18:04

#aaargh may I draw your attention to the disclaimer at the top of the Relationship forum?

Yes, there is a disclaimer, yes, I've read it.

Are you really saying OPs should ask for advice and then not pay any attention to it?

Not at all.

echt · 02/02/2012 18:05

So what's your point in 17.53?

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