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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be absolutely furious with my 'friend' for letting me down?

108 replies

ivorycoast · 29/01/2012 18:38

I've been waiting several months for a hospital appointment to come through to see an ortho surgeon. Letter finally came last week with an appointment for this wednesday at 2.45pm. Tried to change the time as it is bang in the middle of the school run but was told not possible to re-arrange.

DH at work during the day so can't do the school run. Would normally ask my parents but they're away. I have a friend that lives in the same cul-de-sac as me and her dd is in the same class as mine and we often take turns picking up the kids from school, having them over after school etc. I've helped out my friend quite a few times, looking after her two dc when she's needed to go somewhere, having her dd when she was too ill to go to nursery and my friend had to work and so on.

I asked my friend if when she picks up her dd on Wednesday after school she could take dd home with her for an hour until I get back from the hospital. She said yes. This was last Wednesday.

I had a text from her today saying 'sorry, really frantically busy next week, lots of tidying to do at home, can you get someone else to pick up your dd?'

I am absolutely furious. Friend knows I'm only asking her because I've got a hospital appointment and that I don't really have anyone else to ask. Plus she will be picking up her dd that day anyway, its not like shes got anything else planned.

I replied saying 'don't really have anyone else to ask'.

She hasn't replied.

AIBU to think she should help me out when I've helped her out in the past?

OP posts:

PopcornBiscuit · 29/01/2012 18:42

YANBU. "Tidying the house" versus helping a friend with a long-awaited appointment? I'd feel let down too, and wouldn't be in a hurry to do her a favour next time.

FabbyChic · 29/01/2012 18:44

Take your child out of school and take her with you, I fail to see what alternative you have.

I'd text the friend one last time and say, please don't ask me to do anything for you again, as my answer you might find offensive.

rookiemater · 29/01/2012 18:45

YANBU I'd be extremely dissapointed to be let down like that. Is there an aferschool club you can use or anyone else your DD is friendly with ?

gamerwidow · 29/01/2012 18:45

It would be nice if she helped you out given the circumstances but if it's going to cause her problems then she has a right to say no. At least she's given you notice so you can arrange an alternative. Why can't DH finish work early or take a days leave?

JustHecate · 29/01/2012 18:46

That sounds like an excuse to me.

If she really IS saying she won't help you because she needs to tidy up, then she could kiss goodbye to any more favours from me! Next time she asked, do you know what she'd get? She'd get "Sorry. I'm really busy, got lots of frantic tidying to do."

Can your husband not get a day off work, even if it's unpaid? I believe you actually have legal rights re time off work.

Failing that, a childminder for a one off? some would do this. Or an afterschool club?

lisad123 · 29/01/2012 18:46

Doesn't your school have an afterschool club?
Your friend isn't really a friend if she can let you down on something do important so no yanbu

Grumpla · 29/01/2012 18:47

YANBU that sucks. I think you'll have to do as suggested and pick dd up early to take with you

And I think this should also be the end of doing favours for your "mate". Tidying the house indeed! What a bollocks excuse.

joanofarchitrave · 29/01/2012 18:47

Infuriating YANBU.

Luckily, you do have others to ask - other parents in the same class. Even if you barely know them, your dd must sometimes play with other children. Identify a couple of possibles with her and grab their parents tomorrow. I'd help in a heartbeat, whether I knew you or not.

Original poster

ivorycoast · 29/01/2012 18:48

The more I think about her text the more confused I feel. Before Christmas she had to work late and her dd came home with me after school a couple of times. I did ask her last week if she could give me and dd a lift to school (my car was in garage) and she was happy too, so don't think she is annoyed about that. Have never asked her to have dd after school before so it's not like I'm asking her on a regular basis.

OP posts:

devonhorns · 29/01/2012 18:49

Get your dh to do it.

Hassled · 29/01/2012 18:49

Oh the "friend" is a twat, no doubt about it. Maybe her DD has decided she doesn't like yours or something, but she should just bloody get over it and help you out.

The question is - what can Plan B be? Does Fabby's idea of taking her with you sound do-able?

LydiaWickham · 29/01/2012 18:49

I agree, she's a cow if she really is letting you down to tidy.

See if your DH can get a half day off. Failing that, tell the school you'll have to pick DD up early/use the after school club.

littlemisssarcastic · 29/01/2012 18:50

Maybe there is more to it, tidying sounds like a rubbish excuse not to help a friend out imo, and your friend has helped you out before, having your DD over after school, picking your DD up from school.
I can't help wondering why she has changed her mind and it doesn't sound to me like it is because she will be tidying. She knows this is important to you, and hasn't had a problem helping you in the past, agrees to help you initially, then cries off with the excuse she is going to be tidying?

Do you believe she will be too busy tidying to help OP? Has she been unable to help friends before because she's been tidying?

MerylStrop · 29/01/2012 18:50

with the caveat that of course you don't know what's really going on in people's lives..yanbu

i'd not chase her about it. after school club would be the answer, as it will be next time she asks for your help.....

minceorotherwise · 29/01/2012 18:53

Sounds like there is more to it than meets the eye, but tbh not sure what (not helpful!!!) Also, weird excuse, you would surely make up something a bit more urgent and important. I think what's annoying you more is that she has said no because of something trivial, whereas for you it is something v.important. Any chance she has forgotten it's a hosp appt? Or the kids have fallen out?

annalisa2g · 29/01/2012 18:53

Her excuse sounds pretty flimsy, and pulling out with a text message doesn't make it any better. It sounds like you spend a lot of time helping others and naturally expect others to be just as generous. Unfortunately not everyone is as selfless and some people resent going out for their way for other people. I think the best way around this is to just accept that she's let you down and isn't some one to rely on in the future. If you care about the friendship, it may be better to just accept her for who she is, even if that means she can be selfish, and not ask her for help again.

If you can't do this, then I suggest being completely open with her and telling her that you feel let down. She may or may not be able to take the criticism. If she can't, then she isn't a friend worth keeping. But bear in mind keeping the peace is the safer option, especially as she lives nearby and you share the school run.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 29/01/2012 18:55

It sounds like there is another reason why she doesn't want to or cant have have your dd that day. If she has done you favours before, it seems likely that there is a reason.

Your dh should do it.

zookeeper · 29/01/2012 18:56

Can you pick dd up at luchntime and take her with you? Or keep her off school altogether? YANBU to be annoyed

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 29/01/2012 18:57

I wonder if her dd has been invited to another friends house after school that day and she wants her dd to be able to go?

Original poster

ivorycoast · 29/01/2012 18:58

This sounds petty but I am SO angry with her over this that I don't think I can bare to talk to her tomorrow morning when I see her in the school playground. She normally asks me if I can take her dd to school with us on a Wednesday morning so she can drop her other child at nursery, and the way I feel now the answer will be 'no, I'm too busy tidying the house'

OP posts:

YankNCock · 29/01/2012 18:59

I'd wonder if she'd forgotten why she's meant to be picking up your DD. That seems so very weird to say 4 days in advance that she has 'frantic' tidying to do! Is the vicar coming for tea that afternoon or summat?

donnie · 29/01/2012 19:00

the tidying thing is a lie. She has had a 'better offer' IMO and is a selfish cow. If it were me, I would either get dh to take a half day off work or take dd with me and let the 'friend' know - by text - that she was not a friend anymore.

CalmaLlamaDown · 29/01/2012 19:02

Are you sure she remembers you have hosp appt? YANBU!

CamperFan · 29/01/2012 19:03

I agree with yankncock (never thought I'd write THAT in a sentence!) - maybe she has genuinely forgotten the reason and needs a gentle reminder that it's actually really important.
Strange that she knows that she will be "frantically tidying" that far in advance though...

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 29/01/2012 19:05

so you have looked after her *two^ DC after school (and brought them home.
You've had her DC when she was ill.
And she can't pick up your DD when she collects her own. What will her DC be doing when she's tidying that they can't share with your DD for an hour or so.

In your shoes, I'd take DD with you, give her a book or magazine at the appointment.
Don't fall out with your friend/neighbour, just be unavailable when she wants a favour.
Unless she's got a blardy good reason.Might be something going on that she doesn't want to divulge ?

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