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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be absolutely furious with my 'friend' for letting me down?

108 replies

ivorycoast · 29/01/2012 18:38

I've been waiting several months for a hospital appointment to come through to see an ortho surgeon. Letter finally came last week with an appointment for this wednesday at 2.45pm. Tried to change the time as it is bang in the middle of the school run but was told not possible to re-arrange.

DH at work during the day so can't do the school run. Would normally ask my parents but they're away. I have a friend that lives in the same cul-de-sac as me and her dd is in the same class as mine and we often take turns picking up the kids from school, having them over after school etc. I've helped out my friend quite a few times, looking after her two dc when she's needed to go somewhere, having her dd when she was too ill to go to nursery and my friend had to work and so on.

I asked my friend if when she picks up her dd on Wednesday after school she could take dd home with her for an hour until I get back from the hospital. She said yes. This was last Wednesday.

I had a text from her today saying 'sorry, really frantically busy next week, lots of tidying to do at home, can you get someone else to pick up your dd?'

I am absolutely furious. Friend knows I'm only asking her because I've got a hospital appointment and that I don't really have anyone else to ask. Plus she will be picking up her dd that day anyway, its not like shes got anything else planned.

I replied saying 'don't really have anyone else to ask'.

She hasn't replied.

AIBU to think she should help me out when I've helped her out in the past?

OP posts:

dixiechick1975 · 29/01/2012 19:06

Aftercare if your school has it would be best option.

Can your DH take 1/2 day hol or unpaid leave to collect?

If not just collect her early - not the end of the world.

I'd not argue with the friend but never help her out again.

YankNCock · 29/01/2012 19:06

CamperFan, I didn't realise I was so disagreeable!

Llareggub · 29/01/2012 19:11

It sounds like the sort of excuse that I made over the last few months just before I separated from husband. I knew my excuses were crap but life was so hard, and stressful, that genuinely I just could not face things I knew I ought todo, even if at the time of agreeing to them I thought I would be able.

Sometimes you just have no idea what is going on in someone's life.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 29/01/2012 19:12

Afterschool club isn't always available and will it be open late enough?

Depending on what the OP is having done at her appointment. You know she won't get seen at 2-45 , might have to have X-rays, waiting around (just to cheer you up ivory) .That and worrying about traffic and getting back.

Take her with you, have tea in the hospital resturant.
vow to never help your friend again

AnyFucker · 29/01/2012 19:16

are you in the Manchester area ?

I can help you on on Weds

QuickLookBusy · 29/01/2012 19:17

If you just leave this you will assume she is being a cow and your friendship will suffer. Therefore I think you have nothing to lose by trying again.

How about texting "I know you are going ot be busy tidying on wed but I can't get anyone else to look after DD while I go to the hosp. Is there any way you could have her for a couple of hours? I will get them a new DVD to watch quietly so they stay out of your hair"

See what comes back from her.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 29/01/2012 19:19

QLB, sorry, but I disagree with that. The friend has asked not to do it, and that could be for any good personal reason that she doesn't want OP to know about. I don't think it would be right to pressure her into it.

QuickLookBusy · 29/01/2012 19:26

Ok Iuse I didn't think of that. I was thinking she may have forgotten that it was a hosp appontment so was trying to gently remind her.

You might be right so mine is maybe not a good idea, but I still think her excuse is rather odd.

minceorotherwise · 29/01/2012 19:26

Tough call, maybe try and see her tommorow and casually bring it into conversation and see what she says???

manticlimactic · 29/01/2012 19:27

IUse, the friend hasn't said an outright 'No I can't do it'. She asked if the OP could get someone else to do it. You got to admit frantic tidying is a bit of a weird excuse.

I would probably say Do you remember it's for a hospital appointment and I really haven't got anyone else to go. But if you need to tidy then that's fine I'll take DD with me'. Then ask her if she's selling up what with the frantic cleaning.

NinkyNonker · 29/01/2012 19:31

Is there something happening in her life that means that perhaps she really does have frantic tidying to do? An unexpected visit she doesn't want/wasn't expecting or something?

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 29/01/2012 19:32

just wait and see what she says and how she acts tomorrow. if she doesn't say anything ask if she got your text and take it from there.

it's true you don't know what's going on with people - i'm sure when i've been depressed some of my excuses have been ridiculous when i couldn't face doing something. is her house a real mess? is she self conscious of having people in it in a state maybe?

try and calm down for tomorrow morning. it may be resolvable and it would be a shame to lose a friend if it is or if there's a good reason that you don't know about. also this is someone you live near and your kids go to school together etc so no i don't think the suggestions to snappily let her know she's not your friend anymore are a good idea in the long run for you.

literally just see her in the morning and say something gentle like did you get my text? it's just that i really have no one to ask so short of taking her with me i really was relying on you.

grumpypants · 29/01/2012 19:35

I think you've jumped the gun a bit here op - your friend didn't text to say she wasnt doing it, she asked if she could get out of it. Exactly what I might do if I didn't really want to because of any number of subsequent reasons. She might assume you could ask your parents, or just be hoping you can let her off. Get cross when/if she says no.

RuleBritannia · 29/01/2012 19:40

Have you a neighbour, even a few doors away, who could help you out? Neighbours can be diamonds in emergencies. I know.

lisad123 · 29/01/2012 19:40

I have used housework as a reason not to see friends for coffee before when having a bad day BUT would never let a friend down on something so important.
I had to let a friend down a few weeks back, for reasons I didnt want her to know, but just texted and said something has come up, I can't get out if it and so sorry to let you down. Why would she say tidying the house??

ballstoit · 29/01/2012 19:41

I think I'd ring her and check that she got your reply, explain your parents are away etc and perhaps offer for her to bring the children back to yours or for you to drop something you've made for dinner off on the way to make it easier.

I know you've done her lots of favours and she's come up with quite a lame excuse but if it's not something she'd normally do, as her friend it's better to dig a little deeper.

YankNCock · 29/01/2012 19:47

grumpypants, that's sort of what I was getting at. She's asked if she can get out of it and provided a bit of a lame reason (which sounds slightly better than 'I don't feel like it')--that strikes me as someone who's forgotten this is an important appointment and is thinking of it more as a casual playdate that can be postponed IYSWIM.

Original poster

ivorycoast · 29/01/2012 21:08

I've managed to persuade my sister to collect dd from school - she'll have to take time off work but easier I think than me dragging poor dd to the hospital with me.

I don't think friend has forgotten I've asked her to look after dd because of hospital appointment, I think I will just ask her tomorrow (calmly!) why she changed her mind about doing it.

OP posts:

StripeyScarf · 29/01/2012 21:10

why cant your OH take half day/pull a sickie if its that important

thisisyesterday · 29/01/2012 21:12

haaang on... she only ASKED if you could possibly ask someone else. maybe she has visitors coming and really needs to get sorted out? or maybe she has something else going on that she doesn't want to talk about:?

have you heard back from her yet? if not i think you're being a bit premature. she may say that's ok, she'll do it like she said she would

mistressploppy · 29/01/2012 21:13

Agree with Santa

gigglepin · 29/01/2012 21:18

Sorry if its been asked but does your dds school have an afetr school club? i have absolutely no one to help me out and have used this club once or twice before as a one off. Its fab, ds loved it and it means no worrying about pick up.
Your friend btw is an arse.

trixie123 · 29/01/2012 21:35

I know its not really the point but several posters have asked why your DP can't take time off and I am really wondering why it falls to your sister? Sorry, just curious..

DoNotDrinkTheWater · 29/01/2012 21:47

I think the crux of the matter here is that you have done many things for your friend and the one time you ask her for a favour in return she comes up with a crap excuse.

I would accept it, take your DD out of school to attend your appointment and then never ever do any favours for your friend again. Just a "No, I don't think so" should suffice.

loobylu3 · 29/01/2012 22:07

Sounds like a bit of a bizarre excuse but I would just let it go- she may well have another reason.

If it was me, I would take DD out of school early on Wed and take her with me. I am actually taking my two out of school early on Tuesday and taking them (plus my pre schooler) to a hospital appointment. I'm sure one child would be fine with a book or whatever to entertain her.

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