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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband secretely takes day off

526 replies

katieks · 27/01/2012 17:13

This morning I discovered that I had forgotten the kids bag when I dropped them off at childminders so drove home to get it. When I got home, my husband was in shorts, curtains drawn playing Playstation in the lounge. I asked why he was dressed like that and he said he had taken the day off. He never told me that he was going to take the day off. Until I had left for work, everything had been run the usual way and I expected he was going to work (I leave earlier than him). He also had to rearrange a delivery from a couple of days back and had rearranged it for today so he obviously had planned it before-hand.

He doesn't think it's a big deal - I do and was quite upset driving back to work. When I got back this evening I asked if he had done this before and he said no. I just think it's awful that he didn't even tell me. What do you all think?

OP posts:

PosieParker · 27/01/2012 17:14

It's deceitful isn't it?

yellowraincoat · 27/01/2012 17:14

It's a bit weird. Why did he not tell you?

ginmakesitallok · 27/01/2012 17:16

I've dreamed of doing that -get up, get dressed as usual, drop the kids off with Granny and then head back home for a lazy day.... but I couldn't do it, I couldn't lie to DP, I wouldn't enjoy the day because I'd feel too guilty. So yes, I'd be pissed off too.

NatashaBee · 27/01/2012 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaydreamDolly · 27/01/2012 17:17

Odd. He obviously wanted a day to himself but seems rather selfish and childish frankly. I'd be flabbergasted.

Proudnscary · 27/01/2012 17:17

What's your relationship like in general?

Is he secretive in other ways?

Does he treat you respectfully?

It's odd but if everything else is fine maybe he wanted a total, self-indulgent day off without you asking him to pick up kids/cook dinner or something?!

ShatnersBassoon · 27/01/2012 17:17

I think it's strange, but in some ways I can understand why he'd do it. I'd love to have a day to myself that couldn't be disrupted by other people expecting me to do things with that time.

However, I wouldn't do it because it would be secretive. I'd rather just say that I wanted a day off to spend doing things I want to do, and that I'd be taking it whenever.

Original poster

katieks · 27/01/2012 17:18

I don't know why he didn't tell me. I expect it's because I would have suggested that he take a day off when I could take one too. But we have also been discussing going skiing for a long weekend and that we would need a day or two off for that. Maybe that planted the idea?

What's really annoying is that he's been working really late in the evenings and when I gently 'confronted' him about it, he just said that it was because there was loads of work to do and not enough time in the normal day to get it done. But there's time for a random day off???

OP posts:

cumbria81 · 27/01/2012 17:18

it's a bit weird but I don;t think it's that out of order

fishyonadishy · 27/01/2012 17:19

He sounds like Ferris Bueller or something!

Childish and selfish.

JustHecate · 27/01/2012 17:20

I wonder why he didn't just say "I've taken a day off, I want to lounge about, have the house to myself and do nothing all day."

followed by "why don't you do that sometime, too?"

Everyone needs time to themselves to do bugger all.

He should have just said that's what he was planning to do. Why don't you ask him why he didn't?

Original poster

katieks · 27/01/2012 17:22

He has still got his job, because I phoned him one night this week when it got really late to find out when I could expect him home.

He's not usually secretive. At least I don't think so. Although I'm not allowed to know his email password whereas he knows all my passwords to everything.

OP posts:

Sposh · 27/01/2012 17:23

I've done this

If everyone knew I had a day off I would have been given tasks. Nothing major, just 'seeing as how you're going to be home all day could you...?'

Errr no, I couldn't. I'm going to sit on my arse and watch crap telly.

So instead of having the tiff about it I just didn't mention it.

Couldn't get away with it nowadays, more's the pity.

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 27/01/2012 17:23

He lied.

He deceived you, quite deliberately. He must have had to make it look like he was going to work as normal. That's not accidental. When you're off, the morning routine is different. He pretended.

That is really quite different to you getting up, seeing that he isn't bothering to shower/dress etc., you commenting, and him saying, nah, I've taken the day off. I might even get annoyed about that, no consultation before using a day's leave etc. - but basically the intent would be different.

This smacks of him being prepared to mislead you quite deliberately and elaborately for his own purposes. I would have a BIG problem with that. A really big one. Obviously because it basically means you can't trust him.

But I suspect that he will choose not to see how this could possibly be a problem, unless you demonstrate how it is actually a problem by doing the same thing to him at some point soon.

Make him feel undermined and suddenly less sure of the honesty and basic personality of his life partner and hmm, he might have a bit of a lightbulb moment.

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 27/01/2012 17:24

Hah! Change all your passwords IMMEDIATELY.

Quid pro quo with the old passwords from now on, methinks.

And spring it on him while FB etc. is running, if you get a bit of hedging (because he needs time to delete stuff before handing over passwords) thenstart worrying!

Deceitful little crab.

GrendelsMum · 27/01/2012 17:25

I can see why you think it's unreasonable, but on the other hand, I had a day off in lieu this week, didn't think mention it to DH, and was somewhat miffed to see him leave for work without noticing that I was already out working in the garden and coming to say goodbye - while he'd assumed I'd left for work as usual before he gets up. I hadn't meant anything evil or sneaky by it - just hadn't thought to mention it.

RevoltingPeasant · 27/01/2012 17:25

OP I find it weird.

DP & I are quite independent of each other and he is less of a workaholic keen on his job than I am on mine - so periodically he'll take a couple of days off to go walking on his own, go up to London and see a show.

We don't have dc yet but we have explicitly discussed the fact that when we do he can continue this (within reason) as it is a way for him to let off steam.

Do you think your DP think you control him? (Not saying you do, but do you think he thinks so?)

The PP's point about him not having a job anymore is a bit extreme, but could it be possible?

PocPoc · 27/01/2012 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

katieks · 27/01/2012 17:28

The thing is that with two little kids (6 months, 19 months) and two full time jobs there isn't really much time to do bugger all. We hardly spend time together in the evenings, because once the kids are put to bed, then prepare supper, watch one recorded programme whilst eating supper, then get stuff ready for the next day, usually including some work preparation, give baby his late bottle, it's 11pm and we're shattered.

My to do list is ridiculous and if I took a day off, it'd be spent catching up (I'm surrounded by work at the moment as it is).

I just found it very disappointing that communication is that bad between us and that he didn't want to tell me.

OP posts:

carabos · 27/01/2012 17:28

I should think its a racing certainty that he's done it before. I should imagine he hasn't taken a day's leave, more likely threw a sickie, which might explain why he didn't mention it - perhaps thought you wouldn't support that ( I'm reaching here because I'm sort of trying to give him a bit of rope iyswim).

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 27/01/2012 17:28

I can understand why you are upset, he shouldn't have deceived you.

Could it be that he is just really tired after working late so many times and he just wanted a day to himself, so he decided to not say anything because he thought you would be annoyed at him taking the day off when you couldn't?

I think that he did the wrong thing, but how wrong it was depends on how you would have reacted if he had told you the truth. If you would have nagged him about coming home early or having a different day or whatever, I can see why he would have thought he would be better off not saying anything. But if you would genuinely have been fine with him taking the day off and he has no reason to think you wouldn't, Id be wondering what he has to hide and why.

Pandemoniaa · 27/01/2012 17:29

It sounds a bit odd but probably because I can't imagine DP doing the same.

However, it might be worth asking yourself, OP, what your reaction would have been had he told you. Would you have given him a list of tasks, say? Only if he's been working very late, perhaps he just wanted a day slobbing around on the Playstation without any obligation to do anything.

I am a little surprised at your comments about passwords though. I don't know my DP's email password for certain (I suspect it'd take about 2 seconds to crack though) and neither does he know mine. But it isn't a question of "not being allowed". Just that it has never occurred to us to own each other's identities when on the internet.

Is "allowed" a word that is regularly used in your relationship?

fishyonadishy · 27/01/2012 17:29

Hmmm.

As a SAHM of two pre school children, no childcare and no family help I can see that my view maybe slightly coloured by that as there just is no way that I would ever have a day to myself to just do bugger all and I can't conceive of any way that I could ever engineer one.

Ho hum.

PocPoc · 27/01/2012 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IndigoBell · 27/01/2012 17:33

He takes odd days off, and he works late?

And you don't think he's got another women?

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