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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my dh over family holiday?

169 replies

doublechocchip · 26/01/2012 19:14

Last year dh, I and the children went on holiday with my parents- we all had a great time including dh who was a bit apprehensive to begin with about spending a whole week with the 'inlaws'. We all were keen to go again this year (my parents own a house in france so it makes it a cheap holiday), so parents went ahead and booked it a few weeks ago and we were excited about going.

Now every February my dad, my uncle and dads best mate go over to the house for about 3 days to 'open it up' after the winter when nobody goes, usually includes a lot of DIY around the house/garden and field. We were round at my parents house a couple of weeks ago and dh just suddenly asked my dad if he could tag along as there was space in the car, and my dad said a flat out no. dh offered to do the cooking/cleaning (and I know he would have) but dad still said no. Both my mum and I thought my dad was being a bit mean and have said so to him but I would never dream of asking to go away with some-one I would ALWAYS wait to be invited! In my mind if you ask something like this have to prepare yourself for a no.

Well dh has taken massive offence to this and now doesn't want to go away with us all in the summer claiming he thinks my dad doesn't like him. Ive told him I think he is being a bit ridiculous, they had a great time together last summer (I am one of 3 girls) so think my dad enjoyed having another male around and that my dad probably just likes the set-up he has at the moment with the other guys. Dh is 30 years younger than all of them and this might play a factor too.

I think he's within his rights to feel a little hurt but I think he is being unreasonable to not want to go on holiday as I feel he's putting his feelings about what he 'thinks' my dad feels about him over me and the children wanting him there. He thinks Im being selfish asking him to go, aibu?

OP posts:
cornsilxsxy · 26/01/2012 19:16

wonder why your dad said no

hillyhilly · 26/01/2012 19:17

He's being unreasonable and a bit childish, as you say, he shouldn't have asked in the first place and put your dad in that awkward situation and frankly I think your dad did well to be honest with him and say no.

ExitPursuedByaBear · 26/01/2012 19:18

He has taken the hump. Good on your Dad for telling him no, if he didn't want him there. Your DH is going to have to come to terms with the fact that your Dad likes him, but does not want him hanging out with the oldies and cramping their style.

I am sure you can talk him round. Can't you?

ABatInBunkFive · 26/01/2012 19:21

He's being U

BackforGood · 26/01/2012 19:22

Well, I don't see anything wrong with him asking if he could go along and help them out. I don't suppose your Dad would have thought it would be something he'd want to use up holidays on, so, letting them know he fancied it would not be a problem.

Seems a bit odd your Dad was so adamant though. Can he not be persuaded to have a chat with dh and say that he hopes he hasn't taken it the wrong way, it's just that...... {insert not much room in the car with luggage and DIY stuff, or it's just become a bit of a traditional thing that he spends time with his brother and he doesn't want to lose that... or whatever} but how he's looking forwards to having you all over there in the Summer, and how great it was last year to have another man around, etc.,etc.etc.
I can kind of see dh's concerns, tbh, so it's down to your Dad to reassure him.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/01/2012 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustAnother · 26/01/2012 19:27

I can see why your DH is feeling like that. TBH, I would feel the same. It's like he's been told "you are not family, and therefore, if you don't come with my DD, you are not welcome". I would do exactly the same and go somewhere in the summer where I don't feel like I am being a nuisance.

Nixea · 26/01/2012 19:29

Did your dad explain why he said no? Like others say, he's perfectly entitled to and your DH should take it graciously but if he really did just say "no" with no explanation then I see why your DH is a bit upset and feels like he's not wanted around.

potoftea · 26/01/2012 19:32

I'd feel like your dh does and not go to their holiday home again. I would rather "pay my own way" by booking my own accomodation.

Can't understand a flat out no from your dad. Maybe it was a tad rude to ask to go with them, but sounds like he thought he could be helpful and it was something the men of the family do. If your dad didn't want him there, fair enough, but he should give some reason, and one that shows dh is welcome at other times.

If my in-laws did that to me, I would be really upset, and most certainly not go on holiday to their holiday home again.

SauvignonBlanche · 26/01/2012 19:34

Did your DH discuss it with you before he asked your DF?

Rachelwalsh · 26/01/2012 19:37

I think your dad has every right to say no but I can understand why your dh is upset. Maybe ask your dad to have a chat with him as another poster suggested?

It seems a bit weird to me that your dh asked if he could go, out of the blue, without having at least asked you what you thought before he said anything.

TidyDancer · 26/01/2012 19:37

Hmmm. Your DH has maybe reacted a bit excessively, but I understand him being hurt.

Your dad rejected him. Regardless of why, that's never a nice thing. It's not that he should be obligated to let him go just because there's space, but the way he said no was rather harsh.

I think I'd be very reluctant to go on the holiday now if I was your DH. I'd probably suck it up for the sake of the DCs, but I wouldn't be happy about it.

tulipgrower · 26/01/2012 19:43

YABU, a flat "No" with no explanation, I would also find very hurtful under the circumstances. Your DH thought he had a better connection with his FIL than he has now discovered he actually has. No wonder he doesn't want to spend more time with him.

SwedishEdith · 26/01/2012 19:43

How, exactly, did your dad say No? Gruff and blunt or with a "reason"?

Can see both sides.

Original poster
doublechocchip · 26/01/2012 19:44

No dad hasnt really said why but he is quite set in his ways, good idea though to ask him to expain to dh why he didnt want him that might help dh better as he is definitely feeling rejected. dh and I just see things so differently , dh takes EVERYTHING personally which I find frustrating because he shouldn't have asked just outright in the first place if he was going to act like this if he got a no and no he didnt discuss it with me or any of us before he asked.

OP posts:
kaluki · 26/01/2012 19:44

I'd feel the same as your DH but then I would neveinhale asked if I could tag along so blatantly either.
He thinks your dad doesn't like him or that he tolerates him just because he is your DH so its no wonder he doesn't want to go on holiday now.
Can you ask your dad to have a chat and smooth things over?

pranma · 26/01/2012 19:47

I fully understand your dh but I think it is probably a generation thing. The three who usually go together will be quite a bit older than your dh and have a close long term relationship. Your dad should explain his refusal to your dh or this will fester way b beyond the Summer.

Yama · 26/01/2012 19:47

Actually, I'm with your dh on this one. It's as if he's only good enough when it suits your Dad. I can undertand why he's hurt.

gardenplants · 26/01/2012 19:48

Is it at all possible that your dad thinks that your DH should be home helping/supporting his family, rather than on a (working) holiday without them? I don't know how old your children are so this may not be relevant. Certainly, my MIL and FIL hold views like that.

canihavesome · 26/01/2012 19:49

I don't think your DH was rude to ask but I can totally understand why your dad said no. I bet he really looks forward to his mini-break with best mate and his brother and understandably doesn't want his child's dh there. SIL and I are really close but I wouldn't take offence if she didn't want me to go somewhere with her bf and sis.

BusterBluth · 26/01/2012 19:52

I think your dad should have taken one for the team and said yes, tbh. Why wouldn't he want him there? Unless there's a bloody good reason they're hiring hookers for the 3 days then I don't see why he said such an adamant no, without explanation, knowing that it would of course lead to ill-feeling for your dh.

I may be in the minority, but I'm on your dh's side. As to whether you should still go en famille in the summer, yes I think you should. Dh will have to suck it up, but
I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't want to go again in future years.

Jux · 26/01/2012 19:52

One of my uncles has a similar set-up. He goes a couple of times a year with his own generation and once a year with younger generation. He finds it more relaxing with his own generation, they have their own things in common, their own routine, and while he loves his kids, nephews and nieces, he would hate any of us muscling our way in to his Oldy Oasis.

Can you ask your dad why he said no? It's highly probable that he and his friends have a routine, the relationships are easy and there's no friction. Your dad's friends don't know your dh, either and might find it less relaxing with a new person there. Admitting a new person into an long-established group can completely unbalance it, and spoil things. This would not be anything personal about your dh.

If your dh really doesn't want to go in the summer, he could stay at home?

JustAnother · 26/01/2012 19:54

I feel very sorry for your DH. He has just discovered that as far as FIL goes, he's just "an inlaw". How long have you been married? I would keep well away from "family" holidays from now on. He's obviously not considered family by your dad.

DilysPrice · 26/01/2012 19:57

I quite sympathise with your DF actually. I love my DMIL and would happily go on holiday with her, DFIL and my family, but if she tried to invite herself on a girls weekend away with me, my DSis and our female friend I would say no in a heartbeat. It's exactly the same thing.

Your DH is being VU, but I'm not sure how you get him to see that.

PandaNot · 26/01/2012 19:58

TBH I'd be really cross with my dad if he was so rude to my DH! There are ways of saying no without offending anyone, I'd be suspicious about what they were up to on their oldies holiday. YABU