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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my dh over family holiday?

169 replies

doublechocchip · 26/01/2012 19:14

Last year dh, I and the children went on holiday with my parents- we all had a great time including dh who was a bit apprehensive to begin with about spending a whole week with the 'inlaws'. We all were keen to go again this year (my parents own a house in france so it makes it a cheap holiday), so parents went ahead and booked it a few weeks ago and we were excited about going.

Now every February my dad, my uncle and dads best mate go over to the house for about 3 days to 'open it up' after the winter when nobody goes, usually includes a lot of DIY around the house/garden and field. We were round at my parents house a couple of weeks ago and dh just suddenly asked my dad if he could tag along as there was space in the car, and my dad said a flat out no. dh offered to do the cooking/cleaning (and I know he would have) but dad still said no. Both my mum and I thought my dad was being a bit mean and have said so to him but I would never dream of asking to go away with some-one I would ALWAYS wait to be invited! In my mind if you ask something like this have to prepare yourself for a no.

Well dh has taken massive offence to this and now doesn't want to go away with us all in the summer claiming he thinks my dad doesn't like him. Ive told him I think he is being a bit ridiculous, they had a great time together last summer (I am one of 3 girls) so think my dad enjoyed having another male around and that my dad probably just likes the set-up he has at the moment with the other guys. Dh is 30 years younger than all of them and this might play a factor too.

I think he's within his rights to feel a little hurt but I think he is being unreasonable to not want to go on holiday as I feel he's putting his feelings about what he 'thinks' my dad feels about him over me and the children wanting him there. He thinks Im being selfish asking him to go, aibu?

OP posts:
didldidi · 26/01/2012 20:00

I think it's understandable that your DH is hurt - especially as he's particularly sensitive. It is your dad's son in law after all - not some random stranger! an explanation might help but he's probably just saying he doesn't want to go in the heat of the moment, he must feel pretty embarrassed Sad

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/01/2012 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GnomeDePlume · 26/01/2012 20:01

Perhaps your DF already recognised your DH's capacity to 'take things personally' and basically behave like a sulky teenager!

It is your DF's place, your DF wants to have a nice break there with his brother and his mate. Where exactly in this did your DH fit? Nothing to do with being an in-law IMO

Your DH asked, was told no. Explanation was not necessary as your DH had no right to expect. TBH I wouldnt be wanting to take sulky DH on holiday for fear or further tantrumy type behaviour.

Your DH is BU.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 26/01/2012 20:02

I think your dad sounds like the rude one. A no is one thing, but some attempt at a reason would have been polite, despite the MN love of no being a complete sentence.

I would be pissed off if I were your DH. It wasn't rude of him to ask fgs, he's family. I can see why he feels like he doesn't want to go away with them now.

Nixea · 26/01/2012 20:04

But it's not the fact that he said said no that's the issue for more of us, it's the way your dad did it.

If he'd said something along the lines of "Oh that kind to offer but it's become a tradition and look forward to spending time with my brother and dear friend, but it'll be lovely in the summer right?" then I would imagine your DH would be accepting of this. A flat out no is bloody rude IMO.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 26/01/2012 20:06

Spot on Nixea

GnomeDePlume · 26/01/2012 20:10

How many times do people on MN say that 'No' is a complete sentence?

DF and his brother and mate probably have their traditions and expectations of their few days. DH would be an interloper. It was okay for DH to ask but he wasnt entitled to either a 'yes' or an explanation. All he was entitled to was an answer which he got.

Possibly DF was concerned that explanations would result in weedling from DH. DF doesnt want him there, that's it.

AThingInYourLife · 26/01/2012 20:13

I think your Dad was mean (and sondid you at the time) and I think your family holiday is buggered now.

Your DH has been confirmed in his initial reluctance to spend so much time with your parents.

He feels (with some reason) that your Dad doesn't like him and just tolerates him for your sake.

Of course he doesn't want to spend precious family holiday with someone lime that.

There are ways of saying no.

I would be mortified if my Dad treated my DH like that and I would not expect him to spend his summer holidays with someone who had hurt his feelings so badly.

canihavesome · 26/01/2012 20:16

If I was having a weekend away with my sis and best friend and MIL asked to come along I would say no, and I wouldn't think to give much explanation because its blindingly obvious that a very close group of people may quite reasonably not want another person tagging along, whoever that person is. The FIL would probably have said no to his own wife/parent/child.

Did your dad literally just say no, then stop speaking?

AThingInYourLife · 26/01/2012 20:16

Every time someone trots out "No is a complete sentence" I cringe.

First of all, it is not a complete sentence, it's one word.

And second, it just makes you sound like a dick because it's not a complete sentence :o

BackforGood · 26/01/2012 20:18

Well said Nixea

JustAnother · 26/01/2012 20:19

When you say we were excited about going, are you sure DH was really that excited? I am just thinking that when you work f/t, every day of holidays is priceless. I certainly appreciate every minute of mine. So, I wouldn't be so overly keen in spending my precious days off with the inlaws 2 years in a row. And I really like my inlaws!

bobbledunk · 26/01/2012 20:21

Your dh needs to learn that he should never ask for something unless he is prepared to graciously accept no as a possible answer. You need to get that point across to him.

Your father is entitled to continue his tradition with the people he wants. Unsurprisingly he doesn't want their 'man break', disrupted by a spoiled, childlike sissy and his sulkiness.

solidgoldbrass · 26/01/2012 20:21

Hmm, your DP sounds like a tiresome whinyarse to me, no wonder your DF didn't fancy having him along without you there to take him away when his bleating gets unbearable.
Have you ever tried telling your DP to grow the fuck up? 'Sensitive' people are absolute hell to live with if they are forever taking offence and sulking every time they are not the centre of attention or indulged in all their whims.

MonkeyTastic · 26/01/2012 20:25

Sounds like Daddy Dearest is being a spectacular arse and is trying to put your husband in his place.

There's nothing cheeky about asking to tag along to do the cooking for the Big Boys. However, it is rude to reject someone without an attempt at an explanation. Why couldn't your dad just say something like "sorry, bit of a private club I'm afraid"?

Your husband doesn't deserve to be treated like a child. Yes, your dad must feel like the alpha male, but he's not your husband's father and has no right to pull rank.

Sounds like your dad doesn't have a problem that he's humiliated your husband.

What a pity, just after your dad gave your husband the impression they were getting along so nicely...

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 26/01/2012 20:26

I'm with your dh. If I was going away with my sister and friend and my mil directly asked me to come I'd say yes (although would rather she didn't come).

it gives me the impression that your D dad does just tolerate him.

AThingInYourLife · 26/01/2012 20:30

Yeah, people with feelings are just so inconvenient.

There were countless ways for this guy to say no and not offend his son and law.

He went for rude, so now the holiday is spoiled for everyone.

Way to go gramps.

ChaoticAngel · 26/01/2012 20:30

There have been threads in the past where the OP has been having problems saying no to someone. The Op has been advised that "no is a complete sentence" or to say something like "no, that doesn't suit me" so the person doing the asking can't come up with a reason to get the OP to do what the person wants them to.

Maybe this OP's dad has been reading mumsnet Wink

OP Your DH needs to accept that people can, and will, say no to him when he asks something, without constantly taking offence at it.

AThingInYourLife · 26/01/2012 20:35

And your Dad has to accept that if he is mean to his son in law, he won't get to spend family holidays with his daughter's family.

ladyasriel · 26/01/2012 20:42

I agree with JustAnother. Your father has been very rude. I think it's sweet that your DH considered himself close enough to go along, help out, and would like to spend that amount of time with your dad and uncle! If your dad didn't want him there, "oh no, it's just us old boys together, been like that for years, really you won't enjoy it" etc would have been far kinder.
I do not blame your DH at all for not wanting to go in the summer, and even worse, you are now taking your dad's side against him. Fair enough that people shouldn't generally invite themselves on holidays but they are supposed to be close family. YABU and DH is not.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 26/01/2012 20:42

Turn it round on DH

He is going away for the weekend with his best friend and his brother. Your Dad asks to go along - how does he feel? And what do you think your Dad would have said if YOU had asked? I bet it would still be a no.

Your Dad is probably concerned that anything he says/does is going to get reported back! I'm not suggesting he does anything unsavoury bit maybe he uses the time to complain about your Mum or something!

Also, how well does your DH know the other 2 men going?

Your Dad isn't saying no because it was your DH that asked but because this is a longstanding regular thing.

Your Dad may not have handled it sensitively but ultimately your DH is his son in law - not his friend. I think your DH is being really petty to ruin a family holiday (I assume your kids had a great time) because he has misaligned expectations of his relationship with your Dad.

didldidi · 26/01/2012 20:45

well everybodyssnowy I should think that as a sensitive person who takes things personally he would probably find the nicest possible way of telling him!

didldidi · 26/01/2012 20:47

and who says a son in law can't be a friend as well? OP are they any other sons in law? could it be that your dad thought if he says yes to your DH he'll have to ask the others?

AnnoyingOrange · 26/01/2012 20:49

DF was perfectly reasonable to refuse. Dh is BU

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/01/2012 20:52

"every February my dad, my uncle and dads best mate go over to the house for about 3 days to 'open it up' "
I'd imagine the three men also regard this as a bit of a private holiday, for just the three of them, being blokes together. Not really wanting someone inviting themselves along. He may be a relative but he's a different generation.

"Well dh has taken massive offence to this and now doesn't want to go away with us all in the summer claiming he thinks my dad doesn't like him. "
Gross over-reaction on your husband's part. And if your dad didn't like him, he'd have known it after a week's holiday in his company, so that's just childish.