or is my dh over family holiday?

[doublechocchip]

Last year dh, I and the children went on holiday with my parents- we all had a great time including dh who was a bit apprehensive to begin with about spending a whole week with the 'inlaws'. We all were keen to go again this year (my parents own a house in france so it makes it a cheap holiday), so parents went ahead and booked it a few weeks ago and we were excited about going.

Now every February my dad, my uncle and dads best mate go over to the house for about 3 days to 'open it up' after the winter when nobody goes, usually includes a lot of DIY around the house/garden and field. We were round at my parents house a couple of weeks ago and dh just suddenly asked my dad if he could tag along as there was space in the car, and my dad said a flat out no. dh offered to do the cooking/cleaning (and I know he would have) but dad still said no. Both my mum and I thought my dad was being a bit mean and have said so to him but I would never dream of asking to go away with some-one I would ALWAYS wait to be invited! In my mind if you ask something like this have to prepare yourself for a no.

Well dh has taken massive offence to this and now doesn't want to go away with us all in the summer claiming he thinks my dad doesn't like him. Ive told him I think he is being a bit ridiculous, they had a great time together last summer (I am one of 3 girls) so think my dad enjoyed having another male around and that my dad probably just likes the set-up he has at the moment with the other guys. Dh is 30 years younger than all of them and this might play a factor too.

I think he's within his rights to feel a little hurt but I think he is being unreasonable to not want to go on holiday as I feel he's putting his feelings about what he 'thinks' my dad feels about him over me and the children wanting him there. He thinks Im being selfish asking him to go, aibu?

You are incredibly lucky that your DH wants to have a good relationship with his ILS. This is a massive benefit to you and your DC.

Unless you think your father is a 'bad influence' or your DH is needed at home during the house 'opening' days, I recommend you take your father aside and make it quite clear to him that DH is now as much a part of the family as your uncle and he must be treated with the same respect.

You should ask your sensitive DH why he asked not once but three times, twice after getting told bluntly No the first time.

Is he used to wearing people down with what he thinks is some sort of charm offensive?

Why would someone sensitive make such a request when there is a 50-50 chance of a refusal?

Is the loudness and talkativeness an issue that your parents or anyone else has ever mentioned before? Does your DH have some sort of social anxiety? Have his lack of social skills and dodgy perceptions of other people's motives or feelings or what is appropriate to say in a social situation ever been flagged by a medical professional?

As for your dad, like it or lump it, he now has a son in law and he should not talk to anyone so important in his DD's life so rudely. There are ways of turning someone down, and he hurt you by hurting your H's feelings, as well as risking your happy holiday. He deserved whatever your mum said to him afterwards and he needs to apologise for his brusqueness. Being set in your ways is no excuse for opening your mouth and inserting your foot as far as it could go.

They are both equally wrong in this situation, and both behaved rudely. But the dad needs to be the one to apologise. The DH needs to develop a thicker skin and enough sense not to put people on the spot like that.

You have been placed in an unenviable position by the two of them and their lack of social graces and you should read the riot act to them both for their preciousness. I really recommend telling them both off in no uncertain terms. You enjoyed the holiday and your DCs enjoyed the holiday -- and you have a right to enjoy a holiday where there is someone to take the childcare pressure off you, a holiday that is affordable in nice surroundings. I would be properly mad with both of them, the more I think of it, and their silly rudeness and squabbling and preciousness and 'taking massive offence'. You don't have to tiptoe around tantrumming toddlers and you shouldn't have to wait on tenterhooks to see if they will both be able to get over themselves enough to make your holiday possible, and your mum's too. She probably loved having you and the GCs all together last year.

So your dh asks gets told no, asks twice more, gets told no with an explanation, your dad then gets his wife moaning at him and his sil on a moan with him. And then the sil gets moody and refuses to play nice. No wonder your dad said no if he thought he could expect a few days of whining when your oh didn't get his own way then browbeating from his Mrs for upsetting the poor lamb son in law.

Would your husband like it if he was going on a 'lad's holiday' with his brother's/mates and your dad asked if he could go? I'm thinking probably not.. and your dad would never ask, because it wouldn't be appropriate.

The thought of my dad asking my husband if he can go along on one of the holidays he has with his mates'.. it's laughable.. I know it's slightly different but maybe that would put it in context for your husband?

Perhaps husband needs to learn that no means no & not wheedle like a child?

And perhaps father thinks that telling an adult no is enough & he doesn´t have to try to "soften the blow"?

Especially if repeatedly asked after has already said no.

Husband sounds hard work tbh.

The other thing is that the husband could have hinted that he would like to go-along the line of "sounds great-let me know if you need extra help" & waited to see if his offer was taken up.

diddl thats exactly how I would have hinted if Id have wanted to go along on a trip where you hadn't been asked.

A lot of people on the thread have said they don't blame dh for being hurt but how many of you would honestly have asked (assuming all women) your mil, mils sister and best friend to tag along on a holiday they go on every year and havent asked you? I know I wouldn't dare for the exact reason they might say no and Id feel embarassed!

My mom does this -- invites herself along on other people's holidays. I actually don't tell her about our holidays anymore because even if it's a boozy weekend with friends (well in the old days) she would say, oh we'll come meet you! She even invited herself along on her uncle's romantic anniversary trip to Italy. And if anyone in the family is getting married she just assumes she'll be going.

So I'm biased in favour of your dad, because I do find this kind of thing really rude, especially when my mom then gets all upset when she's told no. I do generally give her good excuses but sometimes it's just so obviously inappropriate that I just say no.

I really think you need to talk some sense into your DH. It sounds like your dad did offer excuses and DH is just over-reacting.

I would be tempted to tell DH fine, it's okay if he doesn't want to go, but the rest of you are going.

Your dad probably brings in a bevy of prostitutes and a shed load of cocaine for that break and doesn't want to risk you or his wife finding out - could that be the reason?

Have a bit more sympathy for your dad now you've explained a bit more. Bit of fault on both sides I guess.

"honestly have asked (assuming all women) your mil, mils sister and best friend to tag along on a holiday they go on every year"

I haven´t asked-and wouldn´t in case the answer was yes

I think on balance it was more rude of your husband to ask than your father to refuse tbh.

Is he used to just asking for what he wants & getting it as a result?

I imagine your husband was encouraged by the fact that you all got along previously and thought that his FIL liked him more than he actually does. He would not be the first person to mis-read a sitation in this way. Now he feels rejected and probably a bit embarrassed. I think that is understandable. He probably felt that as this was his FIL, it was all family together and he would be fine to include him. It is not like the postman's fifth cousin's hairdresser had invited themselves!!

I can see why people are saying that the FIL has a right to say no. But then hasn't the DH? Why is one being childish and not the other. The FIL did not want the DH along for whatever reason. Fine. Now the DH doesn't want to go away with the FIL who rejected his attempts at friendship. Fine. Doesn't help the OP but I don't think you can put all the blame on one side.

I have more sympathy for your Dad now too - sounds like he felt put on the spot and did offer an excuse that gave your DH to back away quietly, which he failed to take.

From your original description I thought your Dad just refused point blank and didn't offer any excuse.

I don't think it was rude of your DH to offer to go and help out, and I don't think it's the same as a FIL trying to tag along on his son in law's trip.

There's an inequality about a PIL-child in law relationship that means the opposite isn't really a good comparison.

I do think she should have taken the hint from your Dad's nervous laughter and lame excuses that he was butting in and backed off, maybe making a joke out of it "of course, I would hate to cramp the old guys' style, I get it".

You said you and your felt your Dad was mean to him, but now you describe it, it doesn't sound like he was.

Did you think your Dad just had to say yes to avoid hurting your DH's feelings?

Is that how it normally goes with your DH?

God it must have been awkward - poor you

Your DH shouldn't have asked, but I don't know I think if put on the spot most FIL's (nice ones) would say "Umm, yeh, sure..."

So I think they're both BU slightly.

I get your DH's feeling of rejection, he's been rejected! But if you ask something you should be prepared for both answers.

Your Dad was probably a little blunt and lacking in tact, but if its an annual event with his brother and best mate I can see why he'd not want to start opening it up to any young male whippersnapper, especially one who's married to his dd. When my Dad and bro go off on their jollies its chance for them to natter unguarded about everything, which could include me... my DH has never been invited along and neither has my BIL.

Your DH needs a hug, and then he needs to pull himself together and not see it as an outright rejection of himself, but simply you Dad being put on the spot and wishing to safeguard HIS very short time with his brother and best friend.

Feel for you more than anything, stuck in the middle!

Yes, aldi - my DH would never have asked, but I just can't imagine my Dad refusing in those circumstances.

"I can see why people are saying that the FIL has a right to say no. But then hasn't the DH? Why is one being childish and not the other."

In this case the DH is throwing his toys out of the pram. He's basically saying that if I can't come on your 'boys' holiday then I don't want to go on the family one. Previously he was happy to go on the family one.

It sounds like your dad wasn't as tactful as he could have been but he was put on the spot and sometimes it is hard to think of a tactful reply, especially when the other person won't accept the first no.

Btw did your MIL constantly give in to your DH's pester power when he was younger? Is this why he isn't capable of accepting a 'no' the first time and has to keep pushing?

I'd be annoyed if I'd said no to something and the person kept pushing. I have sympathy for your dad over that.

I d

He's not saying "if I can't come on the boys' holiday, I'm not going on the family one."

He's saying "I don't want to spend an entire week in your Dad's house, because it doesn't seem he likes me very much."

How reasonable he is to feel that way, and whether it is something he should be expected to get over, is another matter entirely.

But misrepresenting his views and insisting that he is saying things he is clearly not saying is stupid.

Thank you, AThingInYourLife, I was just about to post the same.

I am stunned that people think the DH shouldn't have asked. What sort of families do you all come from that you can't ask your FIL something like that? Rude fgs?

And I agree with AThingInYourLife. Being given a load of lame excuses makes it sound like the FIL was fobbing him off. I'd also interpret it as "FIL obviously doesn't think much of me" rather than throwing a strop.

Sorry, to clarify, I think it sounds like he was being fobbed off, ATIYL was on about the interpretation of DH's reaction, before she does me for misrepresentation!

Hmmm. The consensus seems to be

Your Dad is a tit
Your DH is a tit

Bad luck.

(But I think your DH is a lesser tit than your DF)

Yep - i agree with the poster who thinks your DH needs protecting from the prozzies and cocaine.

Shame your DH is a Big Girls Blouse, though, isn't it?

Thet are both rubbish.

Dh should have said, "I could come along if you like? If it would help?"

And

DF could have said, "That's very kind but we're all old and stuck in our ways and we quite like having the time together."

Dh, "Fair dos"

The end.

Just both tactless.