or is my dh over family holiday?

[doublechocchip]

Last year dh, I and the children went on holiday with my parents- we all had a great time including dh who was a bit apprehensive to begin with about spending a whole week with the 'inlaws'. We all were keen to go again this year (my parents own a house in france so it makes it a cheap holiday), so parents went ahead and booked it a few weeks ago and we were excited about going.

Now every February my dad, my uncle and dads best mate go over to the house for about 3 days to 'open it up' after the winter when nobody goes, usually includes a lot of DIY around the house/garden and field. We were round at my parents house a couple of weeks ago and dh just suddenly asked my dad if he could tag along as there was space in the car, and my dad said a flat out no. dh offered to do the cooking/cleaning (and I know he would have) but dad still said no. Both my mum and I thought my dad was being a bit mean and have said so to him but I would never dream of asking to go away with some-one I would ALWAYS wait to be invited! In my mind if you ask something like this have to prepare yourself for a no.

Well dh has taken massive offence to this and now doesn't want to go away with us all in the summer claiming he thinks my dad doesn't like him. Ive told him I think he is being a bit ridiculous, they had a great time together last summer (I am one of 3 girls) so think my dad enjoyed having another male around and that my dad probably just likes the set-up he has at the moment with the other guys. Dh is 30 years younger than all of them and this might play a factor too.

I think he's within his rights to feel a little hurt but I think he is being unreasonable to not want to go on holiday as I feel he's putting his feelings about what he 'thinks' my dad feels about him over me and the children wanting him there. He thinks Im being selfish asking him to go, aibu?

I think its one thing to think the dad was rude in simply saying "no" and not wanting to go away in the summer with a rude person but its quite another to take personal offence at not being included with a longstanding group and interpret it as being disliked.

I'm with your dad on this one, I'm afraid. If you ask and are told no, then don't sulk like a silly manchild.
However it might have been answered with more diplomacy.

I think most people would interpret a bald no, with no attempt to explain or be in any way pleasant about it, as being disliked.

If the father had refused affably but firmly and the DH was sulking at being told no, that would be different.

But he reached out to a father in law he thought he had a good relationship with and wad rebuffed rudely. The other adults present thought the father was mean.

You are not mean to people you like, or that you care to maintain a cordial relationship with.

No way would I be spending my precious annual leave with someone prepared to treat me like that.

Six of one and half a dozen of the other. OP's DH was very presumptuous to suddenly ask if he can come along on what's clearly an established trip but OP's Dad could have been more tactful. However, he was rather put on the spot, wasn't he?

I'd ask your DH to stop behaving like an offended and wilting violet and not take it so personally. I'd be inclined to have a private word with your dad too though and say his outright refusal came as a bit of a surprise.

Don't allow this to ruin a perfectly good holiday arrangement though.

Your Dad had every right to say No to your DH. Just as your DH has every right to decide he does not want to go on holliday with this man. Stalemate.

I think it's your Dad's weekend away with his mates type thing. Can perfectly understand why a 30yr younger newcomer wouldn't fill him with joy - it's your Dad's routine, it's his gig.

Imagine if your dh was going away with a couple of mates and your Dad wanted to come along...would look maybe a bit strange to your dh's mates...?

You're right, your dh was taking a chance asking outright, and it worked against him. The grown-up thing to do is for your dh to suck it up - and to go on holiday as planned. Good luck!

canIhavesome said it succinctly

Your Dad has the right to say no but he also sounds rude and a bit mean, especially if there was no real explanation as to why he didn't want your DH to go.

You say your DH was a bit apprehensive about the holiday last summer but ended up having a great time with everyone.

Perhaps if he enjoyed spending time with your dad (were your uncle and the friend also there in the summer?) he felt like part of the group and wanted to be one of the boys during this trip in February.

Especially if he has been hearing about how much fun they have (DIY or not, they will be having fun too).

I think it's really sweet that your DH wanted to be a part of that, and it's great that he feels close enough to your Dad and confident enough to want to go away with him. My in-laws have been awful to me, really cruel and horrible, and although DH is supportive to a point about the fact that I won't see them anymore he has let it sour his relationship with my parents and I know he wouldn't want to go on holiday with them or away on his own with my Dad. Sometimes he can hardly bring himself to visit their house.

Did your DH just ask out of the blue, or were you all speaking about the February trip at the time? Do your Dad, Uncle and friend talk about the trip in a way that makes it sound interesting or like a lot fun?

I can understand your DH feeling that if he isn't wanted on the February trip he isn't really welcome on the summer one. But he should be wary of saying he won't go at all, especially to your parents, because when he calms down he will have backed himself into a corner and he might feel he has to carry out the threat and not go.

He (your DH) does sound a bit childish and sulky by threatening not to go.

I'm with your DH. It sounds like he wanted to go along and help and was turned down in a way that has hurt his feelings.
I wouldn't want to go on holiday with them now either - but I hope you find a more polite way of breaking it to them than your Dad did to your husband.
I'd avoid having the conversation about going at all for a couple of months and see if the situation improves!

Why would he go?

The father has been as clear as he can be that he doesn't have any time for his son in law, not even to the point of not humiliating him in front of his wife and MIL.

The FIL has basically fucked up any chance of happy family holidays because he either couldn't be arsed to be pleasant, or wanted to make a point (a not very nice one).

Either way, it sounds like the DH has got the message loud and clear.

I think it is selfish to ask him to spend his holiday in the house of a man who humiliated him like that.

I'm surprised any of you are going, OP.

I would not go on holidays with someone who upset my husband like that.

Has your Dad always been such a dick?

Has he not thought that 3 men of a similar age go off and do their own thing as a long established thing and they don't want to change?
I would put it to your DH that if he was going away with his brother and best friend would he really want FIL saying 'can I come?'

If you asks question then you should be prepared for whatever tge answer. But I do feel abit sorry for your dh and think my dh would feel the same. He has been rejected.

He's not hurt about not being able to go, he's hurt at the way he was told he wasn't welcome.

Yes, I'm interested in precisely how "keen" the OP's dh was really about this holiday after being apprehensive before the last one. He might have a lucky escape because two holidays with the inlaws sets quite a precedent.

Well I have been put in a similar situation
My BIL asked me a personal question about our family finances. I said it wasn't something I liked to discuss. he pushed and pushed and I felt so uncomfortable that he hadn't taken my 'no' the first time. I ended up walking into another room. He told my DH I had been rude to him. My DH told him he had been rude to ask!

Yes your Dad could have put it better but he was completely put on the stop. And to whoever it was who said DH would have been humilitated in front of his wife and MIL - well he shouldn't have asked in front of them then! Never ask a question if you can't take the rejection (something I am trying to teach my DS - just because you asked nicely for the biscuit it doesn't mean I'm obliged to give it to you!!)

Yes, but just because he asks for a biscuit doesn't mean you should make him feel like utter shit when you say no.

true - Dad needs to work on his social skills

Did he just say 'no' and then look at his nails? I can't believe that it was like this:

DH: can i go on holiday with you for the DIY trip as there's a space in the car
Dad: no
DH: I'll cook and clean and everything. Please?
Dad:No. Pass the ketchup.

Also, is your dad generally blunt?

Thanks for all the replies tricky one as Id say opinions seem almost split!

He asked on the spot and my dad said no but with a bit of an awkard laugh, then dh asked if he really couldn't come and my dad just said theyd be busy with diy-ing and thats when dh offered his cooking help but my dad replied that my uncle usually does that, conversation ended as my mum told my dad he was bit a bit mean (apparently she gave him a telling off after dh and I went home). dh has met and liked my uncle but doesnt know him well and has only met dads best mate once, dad has said its nothing personal and that he wouldn't invite any son-in-laws but dh is the only son in law at the moment so thats hard to gauge!

My dad is very set in his ways and has routines set in place for years that he doesnt change- pub on a sunday, cheese and wine night on friday, 5-a-side football on a tues doesnt change, I think its a combination of him liking the 3 of them going, my dh putting him on the spot and also my dad and gang are quite quiet people whereas my dh is not and can be a little too loud and talkative, I don't know but I do think dh has overracted.

Oh and yes last year he genuinely enjoyed himself a lot he was pushing to go again this year with my parents more than I was!

Why did your husband want to go away with 3 old men, 2 of whom he hardly knows? Only slightly tongue in cheek at that but if when I am older I have a wekk's holiday with my similar aged sister and best friend I might say no if my DIL asked to come as well. Mainly because I'd be having to behave to ensure she didn't feel left out so no reminesces, plus I'd worry she'd tell tales on me to my son. I suspect these thoughts were going round your dad's head. It's a shame he couldn't have expressed them better, but it does sound as though he tried giving a bit of an explaination as to why he didn't want him "busy with DIY" and your husband tried to get round it, in the way people do who don't accept they haven't got what they wanted can. It's that sort of behaviour that leads to people saying "just say no, don't explain" as it leads to the sort of "yes but You could/ I could..." comments from someone who won't accept no.
Is he lacking friends his own age?

So your dad offered a load of excuses by the sound of it. Nope, I'd still be pissed off.

I don't think they are excuses though. Or at least not unreasonable excuses. Three older men go away on a quiet break. They are creatures of routine and don't want these routines, or their time away, disturbed by a much younger man who can be loud and talkative and who could disrupt things.

I'm not saying that routines are good. I'm not suggesting that the OP's DH is an annoying git. But I am saying that, given all that has emerged, it is difficult to come down entirely on the side of the OP's DH who I think has made an error in judgement by asking to come along and then not picking up the heavy hints given out by the OP's Dad.

I don't think anyone is really at fault here but it does need to be resolve. Either your DH backs down or your father makes a goodwill gesture. Or a meeting of halves.

If nothing is done, you will have more family problems in the future. The to-be-binned-family holiday might just be the tip of the iceberg if you and your MIL, the reasonable ones, can't fix it.

sounds like your dad has a bit of a 'lads' together time away for his age group, and didnt want the dynamics of that to change by your DH being there.

its an awkward one really. I can understand why your dh is hurt, but ultimately this is your dads routine, and his house.

I wouldnt expect your DH to want to go on holiday with them again though. He now knows his place. I can sort of understand why he is upset if he thought that he got on well with your dad, but your dh needs to understand that your dad is entitled to say no.

i reckon you might need to be mediator in this one....

sounds like your DH is being a bit oversensitive here.
Your DF is a different generation, so communicates differently and is perfectly within his rights to go off with his mates for 3 days.

not sure how you can get your husband to see this, perhaps he and your dad can go out for a pint with you you mediating.

(I think your DH is being a bit pouty and U. Hopefully he will get over himself before the main holiday.)

I recently had a lovely 10 days with my inlaws.

Do I now want MiL to come with me on my girly weekend next month?

No.

Maybe not but from the DH's point of view it probably sounded a bit lame, particularly with laughter thrown in. There are ways of saying things, the dad's reaction sounds very childish.