or is my dh over family holiday?

[doublechocchip]

Last year dh, I and the children went on holiday with my parents- we all had a great time including dh who was a bit apprehensive to begin with about spending a whole week with the 'inlaws'. We all were keen to go again this year (my parents own a house in france so it makes it a cheap holiday), so parents went ahead and booked it a few weeks ago and we were excited about going.

Now every February my dad, my uncle and dads best mate go over to the house for about 3 days to 'open it up' after the winter when nobody goes, usually includes a lot of DIY around the house/garden and field. We were round at my parents house a couple of weeks ago and dh just suddenly asked my dad if he could tag along as there was space in the car, and my dad said a flat out no. dh offered to do the cooking/cleaning (and I know he would have) but dad still said no. Both my mum and I thought my dad was being a bit mean and have said so to him but I would never dream of asking to go away with some-one I would ALWAYS wait to be invited! In my mind if you ask something like this have to prepare yourself for a no.

Well dh has taken massive offence to this and now doesn't want to go away with us all in the summer claiming he thinks my dad doesn't like him. Ive told him I think he is being a bit ridiculous, they had a great time together last summer (I am one of 3 girls) so think my dad enjoyed having another male around and that my dad probably just likes the set-up he has at the moment with the other guys. Dh is 30 years younger than all of them and this might play a factor too.

I think he's within his rights to feel a little hurt but I think he is being unreasonable to not want to go on holiday as I feel he's putting his feelings about what he 'thinks' my dad feels about him over me and the children wanting him there. He thinks Im being selfish asking him to go, aibu?

I think DH was unreasonable in the way he asked and very unreasonable in his reaction to the refusal. He could have offered help on the weekend, making it easy for your dad to decline, or invite him if he was welcome. I wouldn't invite myself on a weekend away with my parents, or with my mum and my aunty, and we're all very close. I think anything beyond a vague "let me know if you have time to meet up/have a spare room/seat" is pushy.

But AThinginYourLife -- the possible answers are going to be either yes or no; assuming that someone would be more likely to say yes just because you are in the family and have asked directly (followed by wheedling) and apparently with other people there in the room with you to add to the pressure is a bit manipulative. So is the tantrum he is throwing right now.

Either manipulative or clueless in social situations and quite immature.

PMSL @ the eejits who think families (good ones anyway) being inclusive means everyone who wants to go to something should.

The literal mindedness on Mumsnet is hilarious.

Down with subtlety or any attempt to understand in non-binary terms!

Up with comforting certainties about emotional matters!

:o

Here's a hint: people get on better if you make them feel wanted, even if that sometimes means including them when you'd rather not.

But carry on blaming other people for not just accepting that you don't want them around when it suits.

It's totally their fault that you've fewer friends than people who are considerate of people's feelings.

I don't see much comfort in being right when your sense of righteousness isn't going to heal your relationship with your son in law.

I hope this unyielding old fucker enjoys his solo holidays sans grandchildren for years to come. A new family tradition that be would have enjoyed was in the process of being started, and he fucked it for the sake of a weekend.

Just like I hope that one night out with a sister is worth a lifetime of a shit relationship with a SIL you liked.

Sometimes yes is the right answer, even when you'd prefer to say no.

OP - your DP is being an arse.

He has every reason to feel embarrassed about pushing it, and for his lack of social grace on this. But to feel rejected is stupid.

Many of us will have to get over embarrassment at some stage or other. Best way is get on with things and act as normal, and put it behind you.

Does your family know that he is making such a fuss about it?

Spot on AThingInYourLife.

I'd rather have fewer friends and not feel obliged to do things i don't want all the time.

Most people understand that just because you say no to something or don't invite them go come along with you for everything doesn't mean you don't like them.

If everyone reacted like ops husband we would never go anywhere without being surrounded by an entourage.

'I hope this unyielding old fucker enjoys his solo holidays sans grandchildren for years to come. A new family tradition that be would have enjoyed was in the process of being started, and he fucked it for the sake of a weekend.'

The dh is behaving like a teenage prima donna having a hissy fit because she can't get her own way. He is making a big thing about 'not being wanted', just because someone said no. The df had two other people to consider, who may also not want anyone else on their trip.

What the dh is doing is called emotional blackmail. My late father was an expert at this, and I grew up with it, so my tolerance for it is very very low.

It is nice if families get on, but they don't always, and that is neither a sign of a 'good', nor a 'bad' family, and you ignore much of the nuances within families by categorising things like that. Just because you have married someone does not automatically mean that you like everyone within his family, or that your family like him.

The OPs dh should grow up; he's been told that he can't go on a long standing weekend; not that he is no longer a member of the family fgs.

Me too Bat

I wouldn't want to have to go out of my way to accommodate sulk prone relatives when I was going on holiday with my friends.
I'm not a total cow, I have everyone at Christmas, MIL has come on holiday with me several times, I have had SILs friends who I've never met sleep over at mine when her house was full, I had socially awkward and inconsiderate cousin living with us for 10 months to help him out but if there are times when I arrange to do something special, like a holiday, with just me and DH, or my SIL or my sis or an old friend then I have no problem knocking back any taggers on, although I would like to think I could do it politely and subtly.

If I were to ever think of going on something with my inlaws then I would talk about it with my DH first because that is what we do, we talk about things like that.

The OP was there, she knows her DF, she knows her DH. She is saying that her DH just dropped this in without discussing it first. Doing something like that is rude to both DF and TBH the OP even more so.

A caring less self absorbed DH would have said to OP 'Darling, I'm thinking of asking DFiL if I can join him on his February trip. What do you think? Is that okay with you? Do you think your DFiL would want me to come along?'

The OP would then have been able to offer opinion, suggestion etc.

Quite possibly the OP would have said something along the lines of 'let's see how the next holiday goes, if it goes okay shall I have a word with Dad and see what he thinks?'

Thing

I actually do have a lot of friends -- more, I dare say, than the people I know who don't have the social grace to A) not invite themselves onto other people's holidays and B) not have the sulks if they can't go.

Of course there are times you include people when you'd rather not. But for someone who's so big on nuance and subtlety, you don't seem to appreciate the need to ring-fence certain special occasions. You may not think dinner with one's sister is such a big deal, but clearly the earlier poster did and that's her right to. Why should the SIL get to decide that, no, actually this is one of those events that needs to be inclusive? It's so self-centred.

Look, I think we are getting away from the real problem. Its about the fact that her DH believes that his father-in-law doesn't like him. The OP should focus on this issue not on who is being unreasonable. Only the OP knows if her dad likes her husband or not.

ILs situations are filled with minefields. You mainly married the son/daughter but you also gain another whole family. The son/daughter-in-law wants to have a good relationship with the ILs. This is their spouse's mother, father, and family.

We read about MIL/DIL problems all the time here on this thread. I don't always believe the MIL is the bad person in every thread but there have been horrendous MIL stories.

In this situation, we don't know enough if the DH is correct on thinking that his FIL doesn't like him. We only know that he feels that way. Could this situation just be a part of a long line of slights that DH had to deal with in the past? Maybe the family holiday with the ILs was a break through and he thought they were moving on from polite, civil relationship to a warmer relationship. We don't know.

I think she should discuss IL relationships with her DH to clear the air. I don't think the OP should be dismissive of her husband's feelings of not being liked by her family. We would be outrage on her behalf if were the reverse.

ILs can help erode a marriage. We read it many times here on MN.

There is no evidence from OP that there is a long line of slights. It only says that FIL was pleased to have male company in the summer, having 3 DDs and they had a great holiday.

I think that it is quite simply that 3 men of a similar age have a long established, comfortable arrangement of getting the house ready and he was a bit horrified when the unexpected request came. There is no reason to read much into it. If the house belonged to OP and her DH had a routine of going out with his brother and best mate -would he not be a bit horrified if man 30yrs older suddenly asked if he could join them? It isn't a case of not liking him-it just changes the whole dynamics of the trip.

"'I hope this unyielding old fucker enjoys his solo holidays sans grandchildren for years to come. A new family tradition that be would have enjoyed was in the process of being started, and he fucked it for the sake of a weekend.'"

Hahaha!

Is OP intending not to go because her husband is acting like a twat?

No wonder people have problems with relationships! I think that DH needs to be a bit laid back. He put forward a suggestion and was rejected-you don't need to read a lot into it.
I can remember back to when I was about 6 yrs old and my mother told me not to ask for friends to come to tea on the spur of the moment and in front of them.
The moral of the story is don't just ask directly,in front of everyone and out of the blue, and put people on the spot.

Am I the only one who is suspicious about what the men might be up to on the yearly trip?

I sympathise with your DH. Going away with family is er . . . well I wouldn't do it. Going away with in-laws . . . no way! I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to do that yearly.

It's nice that he asked if he could go with them and I find a flat "no" very strange. No one says that do they? Normally you'd say "No you can't because . . ." Was there no explanation at all? If not I can understand your DH feeling a bit strange about it.

nothing wrong with your dh asking but also nothing wrong with your dad refusing, he shouldnt be made to feel bad a bout it - it is your dads private holiday with his mates.

your dh shouldnt have asked though if he was going to get upset at being told no.

Also, if it helps your dh, cos he thinks your dad doesnt like him, surely your dad would have said no to you or your mum as well?????

ploink - read the thread!!

what ploink said