About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

[TippleMacFreddy]

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

Comit? It

Oh ffs, I give up.

OP - YANBU. Sameday - you'll be great. Maypole - you're bonkers.

Maypole - you have absolutely every right to have exactly the wedding you want and no-one would deny you that.
I think the issue is more that if you decree certain things (child-free, or exotic location) then you have to accept that some people will say 'sorry - not possible for us to be there but have a wonderful day' (as in fact you do if you plan a wedding with no restrictions - there will always be people who can't go). The problem is that OP is getting grief for backing out.

Its a bit 'we will have our cake and eat it too'. We want it our way, and if you can't fit our way then tough - you must still attend and do it our way anyway - that's the bit that seems so unreasonable.

Maypole, I don't think a 10-day old baby is going to eat many nuggets or chips! So I don't think cost is the major issue in the bridezilla's mind here! You do know that the baby is 10 DAYS old don't you?

maypole there's nothing wrong per se with them not wanting children at their wedding.

what's shitty is being arsey and manipulative with your own sister
... for the hideous crime of not dragging her only-just-beginning-to-heal CS incision on a 6 hour trek to your posh wedding do.

really that is ridiculous.
if you don't want children at your wedding (which is bizarre to me, it's not the fucking opera is it, it's meant to be the joining of two families which would not exist without children... but anyway), more power to you.

but why get shitty with your sis for not wanting since it means violating recovery advice AND leaving a tiny tiny baby behind?

Both the groom and his bride need etiquette lessons
good manners means putting the feelings of others first as much as you can within reason.

OP, YANBU
wild horses wouldn't drag me away from my newborn to go to a fucking wedding. never mind the c-section. Would they expect you there if you'd just had a kidney transplant too??

after 6 hours travelling, your breasts will be so full that on taking off your ba to express you are at risk of taking someones eye out with the force of the milk shooting out in all directions. (think right across the room) and the pain...

a nuclear bomb would not have separated me from my 10 day old baby.

i think people either forget or dont realise that a c-sec is a major op, you will need care and cherishing for a few weeks, not racing about the countryside, joggling your scar while worrying about your tiny baby, tell em to fuck off! and that quite apart from the issue of how you feed the baby!

DH & I had this situation. We didn't have kids. We wanted a child-free wedding as the venue we wanted only did late afternoon weddings. As this only affected a few friends, whose children were all older than 2, we asked them in advance first and they all said they'd actually rather leave their children at home

So we went ahead with making it child-free. But we knew that DH's DB would have a 4 week old baby by the time of our ceremony. Even though we didn't have children, DH and I did know that it would be highly unreasonable to tell BIL to leave the newborn at home; it's not that hard to fathom! So we told them of course they could bring the baby. We assumed that none of the other guests would have an issue with this, given that the baby was our nephew and the only child in the family, and it was, you know, newborn

We assumed right. We had a lovely post-marital cuddle with DN, and he was at the service and the dinner afterwards, but didn't stay for the evening disco. No issues.

Your SIL is way out of order sending those texts. You're pregnant and she's having a go at you for not wanting to leave your baby? Nice.

I'm amazed you were even considering going in the first place. I would not have been able to tolerate a 6 hour car journey 10 days after either of my c-sections. I was still at the point of doing a slow shuffle everywhere slightly bent over like an 80 year old woman. I could not stand for any length of time and was dreadfully anaemic too.
TBH, I think your SIL-to-be has done you a favour by absolving you of any guilt you may have (undeservedly) felt about not being able to attend.

Maypole, I had a childfree wedding. I accepted that my aunty and uncle couldnt come. No drama.
If her brother was fine with it and the OP was the one insisting that her child had to go, I would see your point. But that isnt what is happening here.

Could you send him this to help him understand?

OP, the solution has now revealed itself. Leave your newborn with a random babysitter with some KFC nuggets to nourish her while you rocket up the motorway to the wedding of the year. Don't forget the cabbage leaves, 15 sanitary towels and your support stockings and you'll have a fab time.

Alternatively, stay at home in bed with your lovely baby and take care if yourselves :)

Could you get a babysitter to stay at the hotel? It's unfair for them to expect you to travel six hours to the wedding ten days after a caesarian, that will likely be the last thing you want to do.

Wouldn't want to be stuck next to a screaming baby at the meal, and having seen many marriage vows ruined by little screamers I can understand why people are not prepared to make any exceptions.

Think you would be much happier at home and they should understand that but if they insist, they should let you take a baby but make sure there is nobody at your table who would be bothered by its presence and change the seating if there is anybody who would.

YOu know what? I am beginning to wonder if the OP is actually the SIL2B.....

I am the queen of expressing, but there is no physical way you could express and store enough in 9 days to keep a 10 day old baby going for 24 hours.

Even if that's how breastfeeding worked at that age, which it isn't.

This is a first baby, and it will be post-CS.

Breastfeeding will barely be established in all likelihood. There won't be "feeds" that anyone could give, just feeding. A LOT.

The baby will need to be with its mother.

I can't believe anyone is such a dick that they think they get to demand such a tiny newborn baby is separated from its mother so soon after birth.

Also don't you have to still be having the anti DVT stuff injected at this stage? I was expected to do it myself (must look either very capable or like drug user) but my friend had the midwife doing it for her. Not possible if you're going away. Maybe it was finished by then but seemed to go on for ages.

You will not be able to go for all the reasons mentioned so far in the thread. Best to decide that now and not ruin the rest of your pregnancy by worriying about it. Once you've had your baby you won't give a flying f*ck about what they think anyway your brain will have melted

What Matches said is the reasonable response that normal, lovely, people planning child free weddings would have.

OP, I am my sisters bridesmaid 12 days before DS2 is due. She accepts that I may be heavily pregnant, have a newborn, or possibly even be stealing her thunder by being in labour at that exact moment. She accepts that she may be a bridesmaid down and paying for meals for me and DH who may not be there.

As my sister, she just doesn't care that I might inconvenience her with something I cant control. It is only a wedding.
She has no children btw, she just isnt suffering from an empathy deficiency!

YANBU

There is also the possibility your c section may be delayed if there are emergency sections/staff shortages.

Also without being doom and gloom not all babies are ok to leave hospital straightaway for health reasons.

Too many people forget a section is major surgery.

It's not about putting the effort in it's about being sensible.

Im shocked that your brother would even suggest leaving your baby behind when it's so small - just awful.

I would say though, if you can find a way to sort it with them (hopefully they'll accept they're being unreasonable expecting you to be there without your baby) then try your best as things like this can cause bad feeling for such a long time and thats always a real shame!

Good luck in resolving the situation.

Ah yea I forgot about the increased risk of blood clots. A six hour drive? No way.

Ask your midwife OP, then you can tell your "D"bro and SIL2B that your midwife won't let you because of the health risks involved to you and the baby. Official. Not medically feasible.

No bride/Groomzilla could argue with that without looking like an evil bastard to everyone.

I think the brother/sil is the one causing the bad feeling, not the op!

Show them this thread. It would be madness to do it. If they eventually have DCs they will understand the enormity of what they are asking you to do.
It is so close to the birth that you might simply not get there,even if you were willing.
Don't keep explaining and justifying. Keep to the broken record of 'I'm sorry but it isn't possible'.

I came on totally prepared to see YABU because I am all for childfree weddings if that is what the couple prefers. (at my own wedding, the kids - my SCs and my own DD - were welcome for the day-time ceremony, but we had an adults-only reception that evening.)

But then I read your post - 10 DAYS? Your brother's wedding? At which they want you to participate in the ceremony?

No, YANBU. Matches has it exactly right.

Definitely, definitely NBU!

Keep to the broken record of 'I'm sorry but it isn't possible'

I would change that too "I'm sorry that you think I am being unreasonable, but I have explained why it isnt possible". The OP shouldnt apologise for doing the right thing for her and her baby.