About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

[TippleMacFreddy]

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

Gosh-I see-reading it again that it is your first. You won't know what you feel until you have had him and you will not want to leave him! I have my doubts as to whether you will make a 6 hour drive and a long wedding, even if you really want to.

to not too

(i say "welcome" but before anyone flames me, let me just add that our kids were included in the ceremony, and that we arranged nice alternative activity for them that evening.)

Even though I am all for child free weddings their choice and all that, I wouldn't go either. I wouldn't want to leave my baby. When I had my csection I was in hospital for over a week and when I got home was still on strong pain relief. I would not have been able to do that sort of trip. Of course you may feel fine but for me I was still in so much pain and felt awful.

Cervix - thank you I should add for extra brownie points that our wedding was only a 45 minute drive for DB and family.

dixie raises an important if sobering thought
My dc1 had to stay in SCBU for 5 days after birth, then one in with me. So at 10 days old we'd only been home for 4.

Blackeyeysusan, I didn't mean that the Op was the one causing the bad feeling, just that the situation could (& sounds like it has already) caused bad feeling.

It's likely that until the brother & SIL have their own children, they won't realise how unreasonable they are being and until that day, things won't be the same between the siblings and I do think that's a shame.

As others have suggested, if there is another relative who can speak to them on the Ops behalf that might help, as may explaining about c-sections & recovery.

I just hope that all sides are able to appreciate things & it doesn't cause any kind of rift. I wish the Op the best with that.

I wonder if the SIL has spoken to her own mother about this, and if so, why they haven't put her straight...

I think the texts are pretty shitty
OP, you should let rip back by text, then blame your, ahem, overexcited language on pregnancy hormones

Where are you OP?

I attended a wedding at 11 days post c-section. However, the wedding was all kids included (both my older son and my newborn as well as a handful of other children) and it was only an hour's drive away.

You most definitely cannot go and leave your baby behind (even supposing you wanted to!) and I really wouldn't recommend it so soon after a section. I heal quickly and I was perfectly fine but I didn't have to drive such a long way and then deal with a newborn in a hotel.

When I was expecting our third child, we were invited to the wedding of a close friend and we desperately wanted to go (children invited too). We declined because the wedding was three weeks after my section and I simply couldn't face the drive to Kent from Scotland with two small children and a newborn.

You simply have to stick to your guns and say that it isn't logistically possible and that you very much wish you could go (as I'm sure you do, given that it's your brother's wedding) but that it's out of the question.

Your SIL needs a swift kick up the arse for good measure.

PS - I'm all for child-free weddings and have attended and enjoyed many since our children came along, so I have no beef with that side of things.

Another thought is how far the venue is from a hospital etc (i'm imagining a castle in the middle of nowhere - not a registry office for your soon to be SIL!)

If you were to attempt the trip and haemorraged like my friend you don't want to be that far from a hospital.

Don't say you will see how you feel after the birth or else you will pressured at a time when all you should be doing is recovering and looking after your baby.

Your thread has brought back memories about my brother's wedding. I almost died and had emergency surgery. Left hospital with a trachaestomy tube to breathe.

DB was getting married a couple of hours drive away 2 weeks after my surgery. I did go in the end for the ceremony - trachy and all. (DH drove, venue was near a hospital)

My DB and SIL were fine no pressure at all. My mum put pressure on me to attend and mithered me about whether I was going or not. Made me feel unreasonable for not attending evening do or staying over.

I also have virtually no recollection of the wedding.

Maypole stop talking nonsense!

Who gives a shiney one how long you saved up for your wedding?

A 10-day old baby is going to contribute exactly £0.00 to the bride and groom's budget.

If you think that the needs of a bridezilla overide the needs of a brand new baby and its first-time Mum, well... cringing for you, quite honestly.

I say this as someone who had NO children at our wedding, except for a breastfeeding 2-month old baby.

If I were the OP I think I'd be less concerned about the wedding now and more about the horrors of what might happen with a c-section!

yanbu.

i was let out of hospital ten days after a cs. physically i felt good, but that was an uncomfortable fifteen minute drive home. even if the baby was welcome i think you were being pretty optimistic in thinking you could manage the 6 hour drive.

Ok, so your brother is marrying a nutcase.

Completely ignore her, go back to your brother and say 'I have spoken to my midwife and she says I just can't even consider such a long drive 10 days after major abdominal surgery, also that I really can't leave a BRAND NEW BABY for 2 days.'

What are you on about, Londonchick? Nice one trying to terrify the OP. Horrors indeed, I am having a second section in a few months and I am positively looking forward to it

Maypole I think it is fair to say that the issue here is not a lack of chicken nuggets. However thanks for your spectacularly half-witted post, it gave me a laugh.

PLenty of people have said much the same things - but why not say them again, eh, so I will!

10 days post CS - you may not even be out of hospital. Your baby may not be out of hospital.
But assuming you both are:
you have a major incision in your belly. Sitting in a car for 6h is going to be nigh in impossible, even if it's healing nicely, which it may not be. If you do too much you run the risk of the scar opening up again. You run the risk of infection. You run the risk of falling down in a dead faint from sheer bloody exhaustion. You may not have recovered fully from the anaesthetic, depending. You may not be able to express if you are breastfeeding. You may be a complete hormonal mess and just not WANT to be away from your baby that long.

That's just you!

your baby:
may be a poor feeder; may not take a bottle; may be unwell; may need 24h supervision.... oh the list goes on and on.

Your brother and SIL2B have no fucking clue and should wise up to themselves and stop being such 'zillas.

Frankly I'd say now that you're not going under any circumstances because the journey alone will be too much for you and you wouldn't want to detract from their big day by needing to go to A&E halfway through. Sorry and all that but too bloody bad. And as for the idea of being separated from a 10do baby - sod that!

(as an aside - somedayma - you've taken your pasting on the chin very well, good for you! one day you'll look back on this and be horrified that you jumped in there with that comment and then you'll laugh at your naivety and all will be well - I'm sure you'll be a great MW :))

I am usually an upholder of child free wedding rights, but babes in arms are universally the exception (or at least at all the ones I've been to, and the majority have been child free). Your DBro is being v v unreasonable.

Oh, did I say YANBU? Sorry, I completely meant to add that in.

YANBU at all. And yes, your SIL2B was being very petty and childish. Feel free to tell her to stick it up her arse as an equally petty and childish response.

I also have no beef with child-free weddings - I had one, in fact - but we had 2 breastfed babes-in-arms there, because they are different to children in that they don't need paying for and can't run around under peoples feet causing general mayhem.

OP you ANBU. Ladies and OP you are going to have this sil for an awfully long time. For sure they are unreasonable and totally wrapped up in their wedding world at the mo'. Remember that and get wise. Tell them that both doc and midwives advise against it (which they will when you ask). Tell them you would love to go and what a bummer. When your baby is born if you feel up to it go on the day with your little baby and everyone, I mean everyone will be delighted to see you and the new arrival. Emotions are always high at a time like this sometimes it is best to find an easy road.
Good luck with C section and new baby. Congrats!!

9 days after DS was born (Vaginal Birth) I took what should have been a 7 hour journey by car for an event that I couldn't really miss. The journey was absolute hell - stopping at maybe a dozen service stations on the way - to bf, to change sanitary pads, to try to poo (another story), to change nappy, and so on. I vividly remember almost crying by the time we were halfway there - too far to turn back and we both realised how stupid we'd been to even contemplate the journey. It took almost twice as long as we anticipated (12 hours IIRC). And a lorry driver nearly crashed when he saw me in car wearing nothing up top but a pair of cabbage leaves, in the middle of winter.

At the event, DS was handed round like a bag of Quality Street. Complete strangers - with filthy hands (don't underestimate those fleeting moments of pure post natal psychosis) - holding my baby. And I was even expected to smile sweetly and tell everyone how happy I was when I simply wanted to strangle the whole bloody lot of them. I only managed around 30 minutes of this before completely giving up and heading to hotel room.

In the hotel room it wasn't much better. DS didn't rest in the new surroundings and ended up in the bed with me. DH had to try to sleep in the chair because hotel was full. Our hotel room was full of 'stuff' that we didn't need and missing 'stuff' that in the end we did need. And half the night was spent on loo trying to poo, which meant the bathroom fan kept switching on and waking DH and DS up. Combined smell of leaking boobs, nappy sacks (ugh) and cabbage in a confined space didn't help. And throughout it all, we realised we needed to do the reverse journey then next day.

That was DS.

DD was a CS birth. Because of completely unforeseen problems, she was in SCBU for 7 days so day 10 would have been my 3rd day at home. Baby blues, ill baby, problems getting DD taking the breast because she had been on expressed milk in SCBU, combined with ripped internal stitches left me in pieces. As it happened, I did leave DD at around 21 days for a morning - again for an event I couldn't really miss - and it was absolute hell. I took a train and the 75 minute journey each way was agony - far more painful than being in a car. I was away from DD for a total of 6 hours and when I got home I went to my bed with DD for something like 3 days and didn't emerge. I vividly remember looking at the clock during this time, seeing that it said 7 O'clock, and realising that I had no idea whatsoever whether it was 7 am or 7 pm, and not caring.

I am a pretty determined person, and very independently-minded, and I truly, hand on heart, do not believe you would be able to pull off what you propose 10 days after a CS (even with the baby). Even if you managed to get to the event, the sheer effort of even getting yourself looking normal (never mind wedding-buffed) after a long journey and with CS after-effects is going to be hellish, and chances of delivering a nice, meaningful reading without (a) collapsing, (b) crying or (c) leaking from somewhere are pretty slim. And that's even without trying to work out what to do with baby if the baby decides that that's when it wants feeding.

IMVHO you have had a lucky break - their complete and total ignorance of the situation gives you the perfect excuse to simply decline the wedding invite and thank your lucky stars you are not going to have to go through a very traumatic time. I wouldn't even give them head space on this one any more. If they want to vent spleen over it, let them. Maybe point them to this thread, whatever, but I'd consider their reaction to be their problem, not yours, and just let them get on with it. They will squirm so much over this when they have kids of their own.

He has been assuming for weeks / months that you won't bring your DC so he's probably a bit shocked.

You said the wedding was at night so would you be staying over? Is it in a hotel? Somewhere with a room you could use to feed and change baby? Could you hire a nanny for a night and pop out to feed and be with your DC and then pop back to the wedding.

I can see where bro and fiance are coming from - I'm not sayig I agree, but I can see their side. The last wedding I went to I didn't hear the couple say their vows for the clanking of lego by a small child.

I can also see a 10 day old as being 'competition' - there will be people who will ignore a bride to coo over a new born.

FGS sassh - have you read the thread? Have you read Squiffy's post just before yours?

How many 10-day old babies have you taken to a wedding, post section?

I wouldn´t even contemplate a car journey of 6hrs so soon after a csection.

And "just express"-lol-even if it were that easy, isn´t one of the pluses of bfeeding that you don´t have to tit about with bottles?