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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

582 replies

TippleMacFreddy · 24/01/2012 23:22

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 27/01/2012 15:19

Of course the irony is that weddings are public events, and anyone can attend them whether invited or not.

Of course, receptions aren't - but a baby would be far less likely to disturb the reception part of a wedding than the church part, simply because the church part is generally quiet and the reception part far less so!

sozzledchops · 27/01/2012 16:10

if you really wanted to go, you could all go, you attend the wedding while your Dh looks after the baby and you can pop back to the room (if the reception and rooms are in the same place) check on the baby and feed it. Not ideal and I wouldn't do it but it is an option.

This will also make your brother and sil feel like shits, hopefully.

But honestly, given everything you'd be better not going for you and the baby.

CaroleService · 27/01/2012 17:38

Where is it? We'll all bloody go with our noisy toddlers. And a banner.

JugglingWithSnowballs · 27/01/2012 18:30

Ooh yes CaroleService - Let's hope it's a church wedding and they'll have to squeeze us all in Grin

YouOldSlag · 27/01/2012 19:39

Smile at Mumsnet flashmob at wedding to piss SIL2B off!

OP, I must say I am agreeing with the posters who say your DBro must stand up for you. You obviously mean so much to him so I am baffled as to why he is allowing himself to be bullied. As other wise posters have said, there can't be a wedding without a groom. He needs to say that to SIL2B and MIL2B. Something like "You can have the wedding 99% your way, but on this I am not moving."

I am close to my DBro and he simply would not allow or tolerate his bride to ban me or my newborn from his wedding. In fact if his bride even tried to ban his sister and/or her new baby, I think he would have second thoughts about marrying her. It's twisted.

(NB I do not mind childfree weddings, but I mind people who ban 10 day old newborns).
(Further NB- My DBro is married to a lovely woman)

Matches · 27/01/2012 19:45

Let's remember too that the DB's first action on hearing his DS won't be able to come was to be really upset. Fair enough, but he didn't propose any compromises. Then his Fiancee texted and emailed the OP several times that day telling her to make an effort for her brother. What has he said about his Fiancee harassing his pregnant sister in that way? I'm presuming he knows about the texts and emails.

I take a very dim view of men who hold up their hands, sighing, in a 'it's out of my hands, what can I do? It's the crazy lady who is calling the shots' way.

NinkyNonker · 27/01/2012 20:22

At the end of the day, at 10 days pp you will still be under midwife care. You won't have been discharged yet, nor should you be probably. Babies that young come as a package with their mother, no question in my book.

Thumbwitch · 27/01/2012 20:51

Oakmaiden - that only applies to church weddings. Has the OP said if this is a church or civil ceremony? Because it certainly doesn't apply to civil ceremonies.

Equally, has the OP said when this wedding is to be? as in, how pregnant is she at the moment?

DitaVonCheese · 27/01/2012 21:03

My cousin was a BM at a child-free wedding two weeks after having twins by CS. However SWB utterly boners to go imo and the twins are two now and I'm still livid on her behalf Grin

Oakmaiden · 27/01/2012 21:25

Hm, that's interesting Thumbwitch. I always assumed since the only places weddings are allowed to be conducted are public places then the right of the public to attend applied to all venues. In case someone needed to shout out "But he's already married to me" at a dramatic moment, or something...

It might be a church wedding though - don't think the op has said. But also I doubt she would want to cause ill feeling at her brother's wedding either, so it is not really relevant in this case...

I do have fond memories of gatecrashing many weddings as a 6-10 year old....

Thumbwitch · 27/01/2012 21:28

Cant answer for all venues but all the weddings I've attended that have been in registry offices or licensed venues have maximum numbers - 50 in my own case. Not allowed more than that due to H&S (fire) regulations, so I was told. So you can't just rock up and be expected to be allowed in - but I guess if you wanted to do the dramatic "He's already married - to me!!" or whatever, you'd have to burst through the doors at the last minute! Grin

DitaVonCheese · 27/01/2012 23:02

My wedding wasn't in a public place :)

Original poster
TippleMacFreddy · 27/01/2012 23:25

I will agree he needs to grow a pair sharpish

Wedding is church (full blown mass) and late March

My MW and consultant thought I was being crazy, absolutely crazy.

I am going to leave it now though. DBro knows where I stand on the whole going/DC thing. If he wants to bring it up he can, but I wont any more.
I am changing my view of his fiancee now though - i will let it all settle before mentioning her to him ( and decide what if anything at all I will say)

Thank you all again - you have helped so much.

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 28/01/2012 00:06

Best of luck Tipple. Your little baby will be lucky to have such a devoted Mum. Just make her your Number One and let the rest sort themselves out.

One day, they will see you were right.

YankNCock · 28/01/2012 00:14

So just under two months for your DBro to realise what an absolute cow he's marrying and call the whole thing off? That sounds promising. Grin

Glad you've been able to talk to the MW and consultant.

Best of luck for the rest of your pregnancy, hope it is uneventful and you have a good recovery from the CS (but not so good you go leaping on to a train!).

TheBigJessie · 28/01/2012 00:57

OP, I'm so sorry to read that the situation is still unresolved.

There's a bright spot, if you're into schadenfreude. I can't help but think Bridezilla is reaping the consequences of her hideous, hateful, harassing messages to you.

As a direct consequence of those messages, which she probably sent in an attempt to assuage her own guilt, by pushing the blame onto you for "not making an effort", the groom now knows EXACTLY what they were demanding of you. She has been forced to acknowledge information about CS-recovery. She will never be able to claim "I was young and clueless" about this in the future.

Your brother is obviously very much in love with her right now, but she's sown a seed of resentment that will flower again, every time they argue about anything. He may not voice it, but it'll be there.

They're still only planning the wedding. It should take years of marriage to create such resentment!

Things might be proceeding quite differently if she'd sent a graceful little note, saying they were sorry you weren't able to come.

sozzledchops · 28/01/2012 02:20

oh stop completely blaming the evil SIL , it's the brother that's lacking and weak and needs to stand up for himself. Let's absolve the poor men and blame it all on the bride and mother in law!

Thumbwitch · 28/01/2012 06:22

sozzled, plenty of people have said the brother is at fault as well. It's not about allowing the poor "menz" to get away with their "poor me" routine.
He does need to put his foot down - but even if he does, it's unlikely that Tipple will make it!

Tooblunt2012 · 28/01/2012 11:24

Another who is sorry it's unresolved, but wishing you all the best with the remainder of your pregnancy & hope the cs goes well.

JugglingWithSnowballs · 28/01/2012 11:34

Yes, enjoy your Spring baby - and stay cuddled up on the sofa !
Possibly a trip into the garden to smell the new flowers if you're feeling up to it! Smile

diddl · 28/01/2012 13:21

"oh stop completely blaming the evil SIL"

Well, she is the one who sent the emails saying that OP should "make an effort for her brother"

OP-hope all goes well.

Perhaps you will update/start a new thread when baby is here & let us know if you went or not.

VonHerrBurton · 28/01/2012 13:35

Absolutley baulking at the thought of how I felt a week or so after c-s. Ugh. 6 hour drive/sore/leaking/emotional combo = hell on earth.

YADNBU.

Doha · 28/01/2012 14:28

OP send a link to this thread to DB and see if he then can see just how unreasonablea his horrible selfish fiancee is.
If it was me l would be having second thoughts about getting married.
But in all seriosness your DB needs to grow a pair.....and MAN UP

TheBigJessie · 28/01/2012 16:29

I personally am not absolving the brother of prattishness. He has been a clueless, unthinking prat, in all the ways that have been posted by other people (sorry OP!). But he didn't send those graceless messages. I'm generally indifferent about childfree weddings. But demanding other people's attendance is Off-The-Wall self-centred. Especially when framed in hypocritical terms such as, make an effort and leave your ten day old child because the groom's your brother.

RevoltingPeasant · 28/01/2012 16:40

Grin at 'it should take years of marriage to create such resentment'

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