About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

[TippleMacFreddy]

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

That's IF the baby is being breastfed, sorry.
That was very presumptious of me!

Of course, it will be easier to leave a ff baby for a overnighter, who are you supposed to leave your 10 day old baby with??!! I assume your closest relatives will also be attending the wedding?

I'm ttc %231 and am maintaining I still want to be me as well as a mummy and love to go to weddings without dc. But not after 10 days... Or even 10 weeks! And that's not considering the recovery after a cs!

6 hours is a huge drive. Who does he expect you to leave the baby with? Assume your mum will be at the wedding and it's usually the only person a new mum would leave a baby with anyway! What if theresa problem with baby??

I had a no children wedding apart from my nephews and god son.

YAsoNBU!!

Not much to add really to the other posts. You should not feel bad, what planet are they on expecting you to leave a 10 day old baby, let alone the fact that you have just had major surgery. Are thy insane?

TBH I would normally say the bride and grooms wishes are paramount - but in this instance a new born has to take precedence.

We did a child-friendly wedding a 5 hour drive and overnight stay some 3 weeks post c-section and it was hell. Simply because no-one in all those pre-natal meetings ever tells you - you bleed like a massacre in an abbatoir for at least 6 weeks. So, if this is your first - socialising will be very far down your list of priorities. Also, I assume you will still be in hospital for 5 days after a c-section.

It's a no brainer isn't it? Your Bro and his fiancee are asking way too much.

someday I apologise for swearing but that really riled me, however I get how you might not understand if you have never been through the "joys" of the early days with a baby!

You are not the SIL2B by any chance are you?! :o

YADNBU. It is unbelievable that your future SIL has her bridezilla head stuck so far up her jaxie that she cannot understand that you will be post surgery, trying to establish feeding and get some kind of routine in place for your teeny baby.

Do not give in to the emotional blackmail. Stand firm and believe that you are doing the right thing... Cos guess what? You are!

I'm seething on your behalf and I don't even know you. I've had 2 really positive uncomplicated CS,and my arse was going NOWHERE at 10 days. Nowhere. It's frigging bonkers to even consider it. Sitting still for that length of time straight after surgery is a terrible idea, not to mention it'll take you an age to get there anyway as you'll have to stop to feed the baby. And change your maternity pads. And check your stitches. And what in the name of blue fuck are you going to wear, over your giant CS knickers and bulging aching boobs?
Your SIL2B is bonkers, your bro is clueless and you're not going. End of.
Skype them.

YANBU. They are quite deluded. Of course you can't leave a 10 day old baby, and you'll still be sore and bleeding, and your milk won't be established. They ought to make an exception for you.

Stick around Someday and at least you'll be prepared

The email was unnecessary of SiL, you declined, and declined for a good reason and they should be gracious about it.

They are getting married and having a wedding because they want to, you do not have to make any effort whatsoever.

That is fucking awful. I can only hope someone talks sense into them. They really owe you an apology for putting the screws in like this.

Those messages are childish and extremely selfish. I'd be tempted to send one back saying 'I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope if/when you have children you understand that what you've asked me to do is impossible.'

One day they will have a baby of their own, look back at this, and feel like a right pair of arseholes!

As they should.

God - how stupid do you have to be to think that this is a reasonable demand to make on someone? Even when I was still a million miles away from having kids myself, I could still grasp the basic concept of a newborn and all that that entails!

Idiots. Absolute idiots.

I also love kid free weddings and went to one last month but there were 4 kids there -3xbabies about 12 weeks (my own ds4 included) and a 1 year old ad the couple had travelled from a long distance. The couple were totally reasonable about their definition of kids.

Obviously they haven't a clue - you cannot leave a 10 day old baby if you're feeding and a c-section is a big deal (I've had one). If I were you I wouldn't even be committing to the reading as you just don't know how you will feel and 1st baby is all a bit mental to be honest as you are totally unused to the sleep deprivation and won't have a scooby what's hit you (sorry it's lovely and all but still a total headfuck).

You stick to your guns -YADNBU.

They are being so unreasonable :( ignore her, tell him there is no way their wedding comes before your newborn !

ha I am not no. I don't know very much about newborn babies at all. I held my friend's one day old the other day and was too scared to wind her in case she suffocated on my shoulder or her head fell off or something . and er...I HAVE APPLIED TO BE A MIDWIFE. oh I'm going to be terrible aren't I? :(

YANBU. Your DBro is being rather insensitive. If they want you there that much surely they can make an exception for a newborn of a close family member? It's a little different having a 10 day old baby there than an 18 month old toddling around.

I didn't have a c section, but 10 days after birth there is no way I could have sat in a car for 6 hours, and no way I would have left my DC with anyone else while I was hours and hours away. Leaking and engorged boobs are not likely to enhance your enjoyment of a wedding!

TheSecondComing

Thats a very good point about not being discharged, and I would imagine that the MW would strenuously advise against the trip, with or without the baby.

This is wrong on so many levels.
Is there a risk of DVT travelling for such a long time after major surgery?

I cannot imagine how hard it would be to express this much milk just after a section. I don't think it would be possible. The person babysitting would have to give formula.
The baby would get nipple confusion being away from you for such a long time.
You'd lose your supply.
It's a hell of a big ask to get someone to babysit such a tiny baby.
Your SIL is being rude and ridiculous to behave as if you are being precious for not wanting to leave your baby.

Actually that would be a good thing to tell the OPs DB "I was prepared to disregard medical advice to attend but as you are not prepared to accomodate my needs, I am afraid I have no choice but decline the invitation" :o

Yanbu for so many reasons, many covered above. Do you know anyone who would be willing to look after a 10 day baby for a day?

Don't know whether to laugh or cry at the person who thinks its so easy to express milk for a day at a 10 days old, spend the wedding day expressing to keep things going and hope the baby takes it nicely.

Or are they expecting you to transport an inlaw, or friend, with you to babysit. You get to hand over the bany, pop in for the ceremony and reading, get your baby. Blah blah blah.

Consideration works both ways. They are obviously both clueless about c-sections and young babies

With a bit of luck they'll have honeymoon twins. Or triplets. Than you can laugh your arse off.

I wouldn't respond either. How incredibly crass of her.

You've explained to your brother. When he calls again you can tell him that maybe they have no idea what major surgery and a breastfed newborn is like, but if they can't allow your newborn to be there then you can't be there either.

There's no way I'd leave a ten day old baby behind for a day, let alone a couple of days. As for the notion you'll be able to express milk - somedayma have you ever had breasts the size of melons fit to burst, leaking all over? What if the baby won't take it from a spoon or bottle? Mine wouldn't. At 10 days old she was about 5lb and feeding every couple of hours.

Leave it behind to starve and dehydrate? And you just 10 days after a CS? Absurd!

Maybe you should email them with a link to this thread.

I had my first proper day out, to a corporate work do, about 7 weeks post-birth of dc1. I barely managed to express by that stage and also had to introduce ds to drinking from a bottle. After a mammoth effort, I expressed what I thought was enough, left ds with MIL and off we went. We had a great day but on the way home my boobs were literally as hard as rocks and leaked all over the place (couldn't stop to express as dh had offered a lift home to some lovely, but very proper lawyer) and arrived at MIL's house to find that she had just barely enough milk for ds. I couldn't have managed on any emotional or practical level to leave ds any longer.

Your future SIL is bonkers and your midwife would be horrified at the scenario proposed. Oh and of course, there's the leaking of blood all over the place and the lovely maternity pants to content with still. That 6 hour drive could take hours more if you have to stop at every services to use the loos!

I'm sure you'll be a wonderful midwife,Someday. You're willing to listen and not afraid to admit your shortcomings. You'll soon learn.

Who do they expect to care for the baby while you are at their wedding?