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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

582 replies

TippleMacFreddy · 24/01/2012 23:22

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

OP posts:
bagelmonkey · 27/01/2012 09:33

diddl If I was the brother I'd have looked at changing the bride.

diddl · 27/01/2012 09:36
Grin
JugglingWithSnowballs · 27/01/2012 09:46

lol

( I don't care if it's un-Mumsnetty - Here have a (( hug )) OP too ! )

Thumbwitch · 27/01/2012 09:55

Somewhere way back up the thread, someone suggested that anyone has the right to attend a wedding - that is only true if it's a church wedding. Registry offices and licensed venues have restrictions on numbers for H&S (fire safety mostly) reasons and yes, if the ceremony is being held there and people just show up, they may well be turned away. Church - any person can walk in off the street if they choose to. (Not sure that the numbers restriction applies to tiny babies, however, as they wouldn't be mobile by themselves)

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 27/01/2012 10:02

Well it's all academic in a way as, as hundreds of posters have said upthread - you shouldn't go, for the sake of both you and the baby's health and peace of mind. The timings are just not workable, alas.

But if you are close enough to be in a position to speak frankly to your brother, I would think that you would be doing him a HUGE favour to point out that he might do well to 'start as he means to go on' - and make it clear to his wife to be that this wedding is symbolic of the marriage in that BOTH of them have a say in how it goes, that she does NOT have absolute veto over proceedings, and that she should not expect to get very far and stay very happy if she intends to bully her husband into decisions which make him miserable.

He really should stand up to her right now for BOTH their sakes. Tell him that.

Thumbwitch · 27/01/2012 10:15

Yes, he should do that - and if she should happen to throw a complete hissy fit over it and call off the wedding then what a result! that might be better all round. Even if they unfortunately decided to set another date later!

sozzledchops · 27/01/2012 10:26

I travelled a 6 hour journey 2 weeks after EMCS. It was so stressful to say nothing of the guilt i still feel 10 yrs later at putting the baby through it to see family (who can never really be arsed to make the trip to visit us).

TBH, I wouldn't go if I was you even if you could take the baby - it won't be worth it especially as your Db and SIl will probably be still narked and seething.

As for child free weddings, I think you should be able to make exceptions for cases like this and for close friends and family who are having to make an effort and travel some distance to share your day. The day you'd rather that people close to you can't come to your wedding if it means leaving children behind is a bit pathetic. Is a fancy do really more important that the people you love. Mine was child free as it was local and local kids could be accommodated with babysitters, of course anyone we invited from a distance could bring their kids - exceptions should always be made IMO.

sozzledchops · 27/01/2012 10:33

just read about your brother - sorry, but he sounds a bit wet - for god sake, he should man up! Finding it hard to have sympathy for him - he chose her.

DoingHouseworkHonest · 27/01/2012 11:39

Wow. Just - wow. I'm one of those all for child free weddings, and usually I'm always in favour of what the couple want for their big day, it is their day after all and they should be allowed to invite whoever they want to, as it's nothing to do with anyone else. I like both child free and children weddings.
Taking the hump because your precious darlings aren't invited though? Well fine, sulk then and don't go.
HOWEVER, in this case, it is blatantly obvious that your SIL to be has had no kids whatsoever, as nobody with children could be that stupid, thick and uncaring.
For starters, taking baby out of the equation, how the bleedin' hell are you expected to go on a long car journey just after a week of having a caesarean and being expected to be a major part of the day?!
I've never had one, but even I know it's major surgery.
You should be resting.

marshmallowpies · 27/01/2012 11:54

I'm getting married next week and have just found out a family member won't be there due to a sudden illness.

If I could speak to this bridezilla I'd say to her, what would it take to make you think about other people besides yourself? I'm now upset and worried about my family, sad that we won't all be together on the day but most of all want the person concerned to make a full recovery.

How it affects my wedding is neither here nor there compared to them getting the best of care and the rest of the family get the support and comfort they need.

She needs to take a look outside her own little bubble and wise up. I was in a happy pre-wedding bubble myself until yesterday, now I am mostly sad and worried about my family. I wouldn't wish this on anyone else.

OP, I'm glad your brother understands now how serious this all is, I hope above all you can keep things on an even keel with him. It sounds like he's worth the effort, I'm not sure the bride is...

Matches · 27/01/2012 11:58

You know what, marshmallaw, I'm not sure the OP's DB is worth the effort if he is prepared to go along with the baby ban whilst blaming it all on his wife-to-be.

marshmallowpies · 27/01/2012 12:02

Matches - you may be right, it was just from her comments it seems like he's completely trapped by the situation and realises what a bad position he's put his sister in.

Of course he could put his foot down and insist he wants all his family to be allowed to come...but bearing in mind OP may be in no state to travel herself, better imo if he allows her the graceful get-out clause option of not going at all.

Sidge · 27/01/2012 12:10

Chuffing nora.

I'm not entirely sure I'd want to drag my poor 10 days-post-C-section body on a train for 6 hours to celebrate the wedding of my much loved brother to that bitch.

I'm all for child free weddings but not when the child in question is a 10 day old baby, and the groom's first niece/nephew. How totally self-absorbed and fucked up would you have to be to insist that the baby couldn't come.

McHappyPants2012 · 27/01/2012 12:29

not read the whole thread, but i wouldn't go.

it is a child free wedding, and if the b2b allows 1 baby to go then where dos it stop.

i feel sorry for your brother

SusanneLinder · 27/01/2012 12:40

OMG- I cannot understand this woman (ie SIL2B). I am all for childfree weddings but no way would I ever expect anyone to ban a NB baby. And much as your brother sounds lovely, he needs to grow a pair of cajonas and stand up to Bridezilla and Monster-in-Law and state that it is HIS wedding too. Or else she is going to be walking all over him for rest of his life with her six inch stilletos.

The evil side of me came out when someone mentioned about doing a reading in video for the wedding. I think you should. It should go something like this.

Dear Brother

This SHOULD be the happiest day of your life, but it seems that you are making the biggest mistake of your life. You are marrying Bridezilla and the evil Monster in Law.Brings a whole new meaning to 3 in a marriage. Any woman that doesn't want her new sister in law at a wedding because she has had the audacity to have a baby and want to bring it to the wedding at such a young age, is an inconsiderate B*tch. Unfortunately your fiance/wife has said no children, even if means that your only living family members cannot attend, including your baby niece, which would be come HER niece. So I am sorry I cannot attend. I do hope you have a lovely day, but I urge you to think twice about the committment you are about to make to this selfish madam, and her equally horrible mother. Oh and brother,much as I love you,please grow a pair before your new wife eats them for the wedding breakfast :o

THAT should liven up the wedding :o

Treadmillmom · 27/01/2012 12:41

If someone has already written this then I apologise as I haven't read all 22 pages but somedayma, you can't express milk only 10 days after the birth, your milk production starts on day 4 or 5 after the birth so there would not be enough of it for OP to express enough feeds to cover a 24 hour period.
OP my nephew is getting married in September and he and his fiance are having a no children wedding. I have 3 DC and all of my potential babysitters will be at the wedding. I do not begrudge or am angry with them, I'm a firm believer that everyone should have their dream wedding and to be fair I love a child free knees up.
With a heavy weepy heart I will be the only family member not at my dearest 'baby boys' wedding.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/01/2012 12:55

Never mind OP, tell your brother that you'll make a special point of attending his next wedding Grin

bamboobutton · 27/01/2012 13:08

I'm absolutely not surprised at this latest update. it was obvious from the first post that this bridezilla has a heart of selfish stone, is all me me meeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!, and wasn't going to budge.

FetchezLaVache · 27/01/2012 13:16

Annie Grin

Tooblunt2012 · 27/01/2012 13:51

Ha ha Annie Grin

sozzledchops · 27/01/2012 14:25

It's the brother putting his sister in this situation, he is blood not bridezilla.

And it is a sad situation where one of your loved close relatives can't come to your wedding as they can't find childcare for any children and you put a childfree knees up above the people most important in your life.

Newmummytobe79 · 27/01/2012 14:27

This is the first time a thread has really got to me, and I'm guessing it's because of the way I feel about my brother - love him to bits.

But ... I'm annoyed with your brother now, and as some have already said - he needs to grow some balls!

The SIL2B is a complete and utter bitch and needs telling that IF (and we've all pretty much said that it's highly unlikely or advisable) you attend, you WILL be bringing your baby. End of.

I don't know if I could forgive this one - and I forgive everyone whilst seething inside forever!

Yorkpud · 27/01/2012 14:36

I didnt' think newborn babies counted in no children rule!!! It's not like they need a meal or will be running around, if they cry you can take them out! Sounds like she doesn't want to be upstaged by a baby! I always thought no children weddings didn't apply to close family either. Why would you exclude a close family member from your wedding whatever age?

oldisgold · 27/01/2012 14:46

Everyone is going on about the sil being a b*itch(she does sound like one admittedly), however it is the brother who is at fault here.
There is no way dh would have allowed this to happen if ever I wanted to act this way and vice versa. The brother should say "TippleMacFreddy and family are coming, end off"
OP feel sad for you, but think it will be your brother who will truly regret this in years to come.

ExitPursuedByaBear · 27/01/2012 14:56

If it was closer I would say go and your DH sit at the back of the church with the baby. We did this when DD was only a couple of weeks old post C Section so that I could attend a funeral, but DH walked DD in her pram round the graveyard, but that was only a couple of hours away and we came straight back after the service.

At my niece's wedding last year, her father was bemoaning the groom's niece being a flowergirl, she was only 2.5 and did a bit of running around in the rehearsal. The bride's father felt that the presence of a child detracts from the bride on her day. Now that he has a granddaughter of his own I bet he will feel compeletely different when his son gets married. Pity people can't put themselves another's shoes.