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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

582 replies

TippleMacFreddy · 24/01/2012 23:22

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 26/01/2012 14:42

What all the sane posters above said (pretty much everyone who isn't Maypole, then). In addition: you asked if YWBU to think the messages from SIL were childish. They are that and more. Supposing what you wanted to do was actually totally selfish and pathetic, even to a reasonable person - I dunno, you were having the decorators in, you didn't trust your VCR to record Eastenders, dogsitters round your way are expensive - it would still be extremely bad manners to send you sniffy emails, whatever she thought privately. It's all very well to say they're sorry you can't be there, that you'll be missed etc, but not at all ok to tell you off. She sounds amazingly ill bred.

But anyway I don't believe that anyone, however unused to children there were, would believe "just leave the baby behind" is an acceptable suggestion. Even my brother, who totally does not "do" children, especially small ones, said that a major reason for not having any was that you can't put them in kennels. Clearly your SIL-to-be thinks you can!

Original poster

TippleMacFreddy · 26/01/2012 21:57

Thanks all, sorry late in coming back (sat on tube on the way home from work replying)

I know what you are all saying about going r.e surgery but I would hate myself if I didn't at least try to go.

I have talked to DBro. And laid it out very clearly why we can not leave DC at home, that it is all of us or none of us.

I told him about everything post CS and what it means. And that I would only come anyway if I felt strong enough.

We chatted for a long time and he got upset (and started to cry) he very much wants me there.
He told me more (I had heard a little before) about what SIL2b and her mother have been like when it comes to the wedding.
He wants me there, told me he looked up post CS on the internet (which doesn't surprise me at all) he hadn't realised what it was like, he would love to see DC and DH as well.

But....

It took a lot but he finally admitted the fiancee (even though he says he shared what he read with her) does not want DC there at all.
Obviously I am upset.
DBro I think now understands about me not going if DC can't. But is very upset and very much wants me there.
I will admit to being very disappointed in DBro in not 'putting his foot down' (probably wrong wording but hopefully you know what I mean) about me being there if it really does mean that much to him.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 26/01/2012 22:01

Wow, your brother is about to make a terrible mistake :(

Eglu · 26/01/2012 22:03

Tipple, it sounds like the fiancee is being a right bitch. I can understand her not wanting children at the wedding, but she doesn't appear to be taking into account the wishes of her fiance. I hope he makes his point to her.

Your Brother sounds lovely btw.

Thumbwitch · 26/01/2012 22:04

That's a shame for all of you, Tipple. :(

Reading between the lines, I can see that he is up against it with the bridezilla and her mumzilla and probably doesn't want to live with accusations of ruining the wedding day for the rest of his married life (Although, to be honest, it may not be that long if her stubbornness prevents his only relatives from turning up!)

Well, since she is refusing point blank to give (and I bet it's because she doesn't want the baby "stealing the limelight" ), then I think you have your answer - you can't really go. UNLESS, as someone said, you travel up the day before by train with DH and DC, book into a hotel, you go on your own to the actual wedding (no reading), then go back to the hotel and stay there with your family and go home again by train when you're ready. And that's all only if you actually feel up to it, which you probably won't.

PuggyMum · 26/01/2012 22:08

Athinginyourlife hit the nail on the head there.

I was going to add what a real darling your hubby is to suggest travelling first class etc for this occasion. I don't expect he will hold your DB in high esteem over this either.

I expect this really is a case of everyone would be cooing over the new baby and not the bride and that is why the fiancee is so determined to keep to a child free wedding. What a terrible state of affairs.

I really feel for you. And I hope your DB learns to put his foot down or he may spend the rest of his life regretting his decision.

Maryz · 26/01/2012 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Matches · 26/01/2012 22:17

He shared what he read about cs recovering with her, he wants your DC there, and she still says no? Wow

I think that would give me serious pause for thought about going ahead with the wedding if my spouse-to-be was that selfish and insisting on something that wasn't in my best interests, or that of a tiny baby

ditziness · 26/01/2012 22:17

Wow. Why doesn't she want the baby there? That's pretty horrible. Why on earth is he marrying a woman that doesn't want to be a supportive and loving part of his family? Wow

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 26/01/2012 22:17

Your brother hasn't picked a keeper it seems.

OriginalJamie · 26/01/2012 22:20

God, the fall-out from decisions people make about their weddings last forever. They need to think about that.

SinicalSanta · 26/01/2012 22:21

Your poor brother.

He has a lifetime of respect and consideration to look forward to.

perfectstorm · 26/01/2012 22:22

I'm so sad for your brother, but to be honest I don't think you should go. You will be in pain, you'll be so focused on your baby anyway, you'll be exhausted and it will be really hard to establish breastfeeding with that kind of strain, if you intend to feed that way.

TBH it sounds like she will either chill out and be normal afterwards, or he's in for trouble whatever you do, poor man. I hope she's just gone wedding mad and is otherwise okay.

SinicalSanta · 26/01/2012 22:23

Would bridezilla expect a one legged person to do the conga?

It's her day after all.

NewYearEverything · 26/01/2012 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JugglingWithSnowballs · 26/01/2012 22:30

Where did that horrible her day thing come from ? Urghh !

Should be a day for all to enjoy.

I wouldn't necessarily expect it to be the best day of my life either.

I rather liked the days I had my DCs, various sunny days on holiday, or some of my childhood days at my grandparents or at my Granny's hut by the sea
Ooh, new thread possibility

I quite like going to other people's weddings too -
though ours was a lovely day -
Just not always that relaxing hosting a party for 100 or so people
I'm more of a lounging around kind of a girl !

duckdodgers · 26/01/2012 22:32

I cant believe someone could be so selfish - surely getting married is not just about a big fancy show off day (if thats what someone wants) - but about starting a life with someone who you love and respect, and this means taking their wishes into account over things.

Its not about the rights or wrong of deciding to have a child free wedding (as is her right) - but it takes 2 for a wedding to go ahead - where is your brothers wishes in all of this?

IDontDoIroning · 26/01/2012 22:33

She cant ban anyone from the wedding.
What would happen if you turned up at the venue with a baby in a sling - dh could hold dc and go outside if she squeaks.
If you all turned up would she get bouncers to throw you out i doubt she would even notice.
I thought it has to be a public event, she can't ban anyone from the ceremony. Reception may be a different matter though,
You could see your dbro get married and then retire to hotel to recover.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 26/01/2012 22:34

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. If he'd said we'd love to have you and baby there then you'd have felt obliged to go even if you weren't feeling too well. It's out of the question to go without the baby and you've made that clear and he understands. So you'll have to politely decline and enjoy your new baby :)

I think your relationship with your brother can survive this as you obviously love each other. I can't say the same for you SIL2B.

Whatmeworry · 26/01/2012 22:35

By their deeds shall ye know them. I think your brother is about to make a big mistake. He should try to put his foot down and see what happens.

Harecare · 26/01/2012 22:35

Quite unbelievable!!! No offense, but a 10 day old hardly counts as a child does it? Even child free weddings usually allow under 1s. Is your DB planning on having children with this woman?
Apologise, but truly you cannot go if that is her attitude. In speeches people normally mention those who are absent. How will she feel when your brother says that his own sister couldn't come as her newborn baby wasn't welcome?

TheCrackFox · 26/01/2012 22:56

I think your db is making a huge mistake marrying her. She knows it means a lot to him having you all there but she is steam rolling over her future husband's happiness so she can have the best day of her life.

FetchezLaVache · 26/01/2012 23:01

Your poor brother, he sounds lovely- I hope this is a huge red flag to him. I imagine you've downgraded your view of SIL2B as "alright"!

YouOldSlag · 26/01/2012 23:04

What kind of heartless bridezilla would ban her DH's ten day old DN from their wedding, resulting in his sister being unable to attend? especially when he and his sister have no living parents and are very important to one another?

DBro sounds like he is a reasonable person, but I fear for the longevity of this marriage. If someone I was in love with made me ban a 10 day old baby and therefore my sibling from my wedding, I would see them in a very different light indeed.

Miette · 26/01/2012 23:21

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