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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

582 replies

TippleMacFreddy · 24/01/2012 23:22

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

OP posts:
Irishchic · 26/01/2012 23:22

This is awful OP. All this stress around the wedding is spoiling your time before your baby arrives which should be a time of happy anticipation, not worry about whether or not you can pull off the impossible.

I wouldnt worry about missing this wedding actually. From the sound of it, your SILto-be is a total bitch and the wedding will not last, your db will get divorced, then meet a really lovely woman who welcomes his extended family to their big day out!

perfumedlife · 26/01/2012 23:24

I give that marriage two years.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 26/01/2012 23:25

Wow. There is only going to be ONE important person in your brothers marriage. His wife. Sad I hope he is not spending a lot on this "wedding".

How upsetting for you. What a cow your sil is.

Matches · 26/01/2012 23:25

I will feel quite angry with the OP's DB if he goes ahead with the wedding & doesn't reverse BabyOP's banning

verytellytubby · 26/01/2012 23:30

I don't doubt your story but I'm really shocked that some-one as cold and selfish as your soon to be SIL exists. Mumsnet is an education!

Bogeyface · 26/01/2012 23:35

He is crying on the phone, his parent cant be there as they have passed away, and he desperately wants the OP there and the bitch still over rides him?

I do feel sorry for him but I also think he needs to grow and pair and tell her that it isnt HER day but THEIR day and unless she stops being such a bitch about his only living close relative being there then its all off.

Yes she is a fucking bitch but he needs to man up.

squeaver · 26/01/2012 23:36

Ok I'm going to suggest, again, intervention-from-a-trusted-friend-or-relative on her side. Is there anyone, anyone at all, who can have a quiet word in the bride's ear and explain the situation?

Bogeyface · 26/01/2012 23:36

parents, sorry

squeaver · 26/01/2012 23:37

Or.....what bogeyface says. Actually I like that a lot better.

Bogeyface · 26/01/2012 23:38

And does the SIL2B not get that if the OP isnt there then she will steal more limelight simply by her absence? More people will be talking about the OP and the baby if they dont go than if they do!

And as for what people said above about the SIL2B being embarrassed when she has her own children, I did agree when I first read it but now, I dont think she will care at all.

olgaga · 26/01/2012 23:38

I still don't think you should go. I doubt you will even be able to go anyway, but I suppose there's a remote possibility. Just make sure he has a Plan B for the reading - then you can all relax.

Your brother's wedding is simply not as important as the birth of your first child, however close you are, and however important you think it is now.

It certainly doesn't take precedence over the health and comfort of you and your baby.

empirestateofmind · 26/01/2012 23:55

As originaljamie says the fallout from weddings lasts forever. You will be thinking about this everytime you see DSIL for the rest of your life.

I feel very sorry for the DB. However if he really wants his sister there he knows what he has got to do. He must insist that the baby can come. Or he will not be there either. He has got the power to make this happen.

KristinaM · 27/01/2012 00:25

OP, its not about hatimg yourself if you didnt make the effort to make the journey. Its about risking your own health. If you were single and childless thats your choice. But you have a baby and your dh to think about.

You havent answered the posts about whethre or not your consultant and your transplant team have approved your travel plans. And whethr or not such a journey is ok after spinal surgery. And you dont even know if your previous surgery might complicate your CS and your recovery post op.

I know you want To think that your cold hearted SIl is keeping you from your brothers wedding. But you will feel much better about the whole thing if you resolve that its YOUR deciision not to go. Because you are follwoing medical advice, choosing to protect your own health and prioritise your newborn child.

Its not about what a witch she is ( although she is).its about YOU, your health and the precioous baby you will brimg into this world. Dont let this nastiness spoil this precious time for you and your DH

lady007pink · 27/01/2012 01:03

I'm sorry, but anytime I was invited to a wedding and had a baby up to 6 months old, they came to the wedding regardless. I never even questioned whether they could be there or not, if they turned us away at the church or reception they would be the ones looking like fools.

If you have to be at that wedding, you and your baby have to be together.

Thumbwitch · 27/01/2012 07:37

I have an idea.
Why don't you video yourself doing the reading and send it along to be played either at the ceremony or the reception? That way you are still "taking part" but without any of the trouble and danger to yourself/ your baby.
No doubt your brother will have a video of his wedding made - you will be able to see it later so you won't miss out completely.

Do you know anyone other than your brother who is going? Anyone who can help out with the technicalities of this (to avoid your brother getting into more strife with the bridezilla)?

Northernlurker · 27/01/2012 08:12

I think your poor brother may well be making a mistake but that aside why don't you speak to future sil direct. Be frank, say you are upset, be brutal - point out that you are all brother has for close family and be bold 'so I know you will understand that I will be moving heaven and earth to get to your wedding even having had major surgery the week beforehand and I will be bringing dc with me. Of course dh will remove dc from the ceremony if they are not asleep and we'll generally keep a low profile but this is the most important day of my brother's life and I am going to be there if possible with my family'. Then if nothing else at least she has to tell you what she really thinks to your face and she would have to be a very, very hard hearted little madam to say no. My betting is she won't want to look like a bitch if confronted and so will say of course and bitch in private. Well let her - as long as you and brother are ok. I wouldn't go all out on the wedding present btw.

iscream · 27/01/2012 08:30

I can see why people may prefer a child free wedding, however, the reasoning of peoples attention being on the child instead of the bride is not only ridiculous, but really vain.

I hope you can work something out since you and your brother are close. I assume it has already been suggested in one of the many many posts (I can't read them all, it's too late) that someone goes along and babysits at the hotel?
Good luck with the birth OP, and hope you can make the wedding.

LoveInAColdClimate · 27/01/2012 08:37

Bloody hell.

Your future SIL is a cast-iron bitch.

I had hoped that she just hadn't thought it through, and didn't realise how impossible it would be for you to leave your baby, but apparently not the case Sad.

Nothing to add to the helpful advice already given, but Shock at the bridezilla.

Newmummytobe79 · 27/01/2012 08:52

Wow - I don't usually read long posts (I posted on this thread earlier) but this one has really quite upset me.

Was SIL2B delivered by a Stork? All wrapped up in a pink blanket with an instruction book? Or, and I'm guessing I'm right here ... her mother gave birth to her! Has your brother's MIL2B totally forgotten how bloody tough it is!

Your brother sounds lovely but this is just so sad :(

Does his wife to be not want children?

I know this sounds really harsh, but you've done your damn best here. It's now time to concentrate on you and your baby. You've tried every option and the bitch has just stamped her feet time and time again.

Keep in contact with your brother on the run up to his wedding, keep him involved in his niece/nephews life ... and now just sit back and wait for her to get pregnant. Arrange a big party around her due date ... and see how she feels.

I feel for you and your brother - but he has made the decision to marry her. Maybe it'll be their divorce party you'll be throwing? Grin

I wish you all the best for your little family x

dinkystinky · 27/01/2012 08:54

OH Tipple, I'm so sorry your SIL to be is being such an unreasonable, unthinking and uncaring person - how can she effectively banish the two remaining members of her DH to be's family (you and your DC) from her wedding is beyond me. At least you and your brother are of one mind - though I feel very sorry for your brother getting married to such an unfeeling uncaring person.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 27/01/2012 09:07

your SIL is just a vile selfish bitch.

If it were my sister and she was the only close relative I had, and my wedding was going to be so close to her birthdate, I would move it to a date that she could attend. Agree with the others that your DBro needs to get some cojones.

When your baby comes your main priority will be to look after that baby and yourself and everything else can go swivel. Do NOT jeopardise yourself of your baby trying to get yourself to that wedding. Because you will NEVER get those days back. And weddings can be moved. Hell, I postponed mine a week just to accommodate my Uncle & Aunt!

auntmargaret · 27/01/2012 09:14

Here's the thing though, her brother is a grown up. His future wife may not want a newborn at "her" wedding, but he can tell her that he's very sorry, this is his family and on this occasion, it's non negotiable. She'll soon suck it up if she sees "her" big day disappearing into the sunset. It will probably help in their future marriage too if she knows there are things about which he will be steadfast. He shouldn't start his marriage being cowed by a bully. FWIW, if it was my brother's wedding, I would just turn up with baby. I'm with the previous poster, I have never asked when I'm invited to weddings at times I have newborns,I just go with baby in tow-never been a problem yet.

Squitten · 27/01/2012 09:17

Well, you've made your case and your DB knows the score so you've done all you can.

But you know, he is an adult and this is his wedding too. His wife will have a hard time getting married at all if he doesn't show up so he's hardly powerless. Apparently, he now has to make a choice and if, despite knowing how utterly unreasonable his fiancee is being, he looks to be supporting her then he loses my sympathy at that point.

Do not compromise your own health OP - this is now an issue for them to work out

cutegorilla · 27/01/2012 09:22

Please don't risk your health or your baby's to go to this wedding. If she can be so selfish and so unfeeling towards your brother I sincerely doubt the marriage will last long and then you'll really resent what you put yourself through to be there.

I remember going to a wedding and asking the mother of the bride if she was enjoying being grandma to the brides 4 month old baby. She told me she hadn't had time to enjoy it yet she'd been so busy planning the wedding. I thought that was rather sad at the time but when the marriage ended within a year I thought it was tragic!

You really need to speak to your consultant and MW about your plans because I can't imagine for one minute that they would be happy about it.

diddl · 27/01/2012 09:26

I know it can be difficult to coordinate a wedding, but if I were the brother I would have looked at changing the date tbh.