About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

[TippleMacFreddy]

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

Oh, and OP, I usually support childfree weddings completely. Kids add a massive amount to the bill, and the bride & groom usually don't know them well at all. I absolutely understand why they'd rather have good friends than someone's small children, when everyone has to cut the list down somewhere. This is a totally different situation, and appallingly selfish.

And I didn't leave DS overnight until he was 14 months old. It felt wrong then, too.

OK, everyone agrees you are not being unreasonable

If, and only if you make the journey

1. book the 'special service' - it's usually for disabled travellers, the station staff will meet you aat the taxi / car that takes you to the station with a wheel chair and they will take you in the chair to the train, and to your seat if they can.

2. plan for delays - if it is a 6 hour journey then plan for 10 hours and the buffet being closed - take a flask / sandwiches / baby stuff etc etc

3. have contingency plans for if you start to hemmorage / feel unwell (more unwell then you are going to be)

4. someone mentioned coedine - yes, yes, yes - get that and get pparacetamol as well, on its own it is not very strong but taken with other painkillers it augments them - but make sure you are not taking it with cocodamol.

Thats a good one perfectstorm but newborns tend to feed more often, try every 20 mins as their stomach are still very small, and its little and often

Your baby will be just ten days old, they are being very very selfish. How can you leave your baby and who with, surely all the family And those you trust will be at the wedding. Your brother is being very very insensitive and selfish.

The no kids rule isnt relevant. You will not be well enough to do a 12 hour round trip, including, i assume, two over night stays. Tell them you have asked the consultant and she/he says no. do they expect you to go agaist medical advice?????

3days aftre my section i went to my LOs school nativity play. 5mins drive from home, about 1.5 hours in total away from home. With baby of course. It was a real ordeal.

12days after section i went with kids and dh to the pantomine ( booked befroe baby was conceived!!!!!). One aftrenoon away from home. 30 mins drive, 2hours at panto. Just about ok, although spent lots of time sittig in managers office bf baby ( they offered, was quite and comfortable unlike cafe /bar).

Please listen to the voices of experience on this thread

I know you feel bad because of the relationship you have with him r.e. guardianship, but that should mean he is even more keen to put himself out for you too, and make life easy for his little sister who will have just had major abdominal surgery and a newborn. Consideration goes both ways!

Omg you are definitely not being unreasonable. I had a c section with dc1 and even though it was planned and v calm I was in hospital for 5 days to recover and for help with feeding. I left the house 9-10 days after but that was to my local town with a friend driving and dh helping with buggy and etc. It took me absolute ages to walk the distance that world normally have taken 5-10 min. I was knackered when I got there. Dc1 was a crier. That was doing my head in. I was struggling with bf (even though did it for 23 months eventually..). You are crazy to even think to go.

With dc2 had a vaginal delivery which took 4 days on contractions and 5 day stay post op. My DBil was also getting married 4 days after dc2 was born. 6 hrs away by car too. When they booked the wedding we just found out we were pregnant and told them. But they wouldn't change or move the date. And then got upset that dh couldn't be the best man!?

Ydnbu.

Hmmm, I've had EMCS and ElCS. Recovery was easier with the elective. Mind it wasn't that bad with EMCS either. At 10 days, I was fairly active, relatively pain-free (body let me know when I over-did it though). Lochia was easing off and was perfectly manageable. However, IRC, 10 days is about stitch removal time and I'm not sure that I'd have attempted a long car journey (still had to have a cushion shoved between me and the seatbelt). Whilst recovery was great, breast feeding wasn't - no milk :-( After several exhausting days, I switched to FF (never looked back). Hopefully, breast feeding support has moved on since my first was born 10 years ago but then it consisted of telling you your baby wasnt hungry even though he was screaming . The idea of re-lactation (or just plain lactating in my case) wasn't considered. So my main problem after both was just plain exhaustion!

That said, this is your brother and sometimes we go the extra mile for family. First class on the train and a couple of nights in the hotel is an option. Your DH would have to realise that cases and lifting would fall solely to him and you'd have to arrive in good time (no running for you). Perhaps you could reach a compromise with your brother? No baby at the ceremony (so hubby couldn't attend) but bring baby to the reception. You could disappear to your room for bf (or any feeding) and if you fell asleep up there, well that's understandable. In fact, just say to your brother, those are the circumstances under which you will attend his wedding and Bridezilla can just suck it up - it's his wedding too and it's more important that his family be there than the child-free rule is rigidly adhered to. If they choose to stick with child-free (no compromise) then that is their right but then they have to accept that you won't be able to come.

Any attendance would have to conform strictly to medical advice and if your midwife advises against it then that would be that. And, of course, you would have to feel well enough to attend.

BTW, my scar is not 8 inches long!!! It's about 3.5 poss 4. Maybe some people had even bigger babies than me

On so many levels YANBU. I had a 'child-free' wedding with exception of family and one very close friend who we knew had great difficulty getting babysitter (and knew their kids well, and knew they were well-behaved!).

1. I struggled with bf (10 days and 5 weeks respectively) - it seemed this was yr first DC - and there's no way I could have ebf enough at that time for a whole day's absence. You will jeopardise bf; unless you have already given up I think it will be way too hard. Even if you are good at bf at that stage you could still be establishing supply. My sis is still bf (13 months) but could not express for a while. They have a growth spurt though at 10 days, which may put you off even if DBro relents!

1. Newborns sleep all the time (except at night, of course)!! I bet they'd hardly know it was there.

1. Do they want kids and have they considered the bad karma?!

Good luck!

dazzling- I have the eight inch scar- my DS1 was 11lb EMCS on his due date. God knows how big he would have been if he'd gone overdue!

OP it's really sad that your Dbro only has you and no other siblings or parents. i can see why he wants you there so badly. However, they will just have to accept that their wedding clashed with you having just given birth and you weren't able to go.

Don't, whatever you do, let them guilt trip you. You would risk your health and that of your baby if you undertook such a long journey at 10 days post partum. I hope your SIL2B complains about you to someone who puts her right and points out that she is wrong because she's obviously not listening to you.

You'd be mad to go at all.

You are I presume a high risk C section, immunosuppressed and you should not take chances with your recovery. After your previous surgery you may have recovered quickly but you did not have a newborn requiring your attention.

I do not think your obstetrician or transplant team would think this is sensible.

Stay at home, mostly in bed, bonding and feeding your baby, near your medical and bf support. Send a generous thoughtful gift and arrange a nice trip for your bro to meet your baby and you to admire the photos.

It's just unfortunate timing.

I stupidly agreed to attend a similar family event 2 weeks after my ds1. It was hell. Before having dc it seemed reasonable, now I can't believed the family bullied me into it.

Thing is OP, you may have already had major surgery and been up and bouncing soon after, but the difference with a CS is that there is a baby afterwards. Who will want and need your attention all the time.

It doesn't matter if you are so exhausted you can't stand up, if the baby needs changing (covered in sick, poo, whatever) you have to drag yourself up and change him. Unless you are lucky enough to have someone waiting on you both hand and foot. In which case change it to, it doesn't matter if your eyes are dropping, and you are so tired you can barely sit up, if the baby needs to feed then you have to feed him.

Looking after a newborn is relentless. You will be seriously lacking in sleep and energy for a very long time!

I know I should have read the whole thread before posting but I just wanted to say how bad I felt - even 6 weeks after my section.

From the minor - my stomach was huge and painful - dress issue.
To the major - I was bleeding so much it really, really got me down.

I adore my brother, so know how you feel about not going, but I also know that you are going to feel battered, bruised and knackered!

You may get an easy baby (everyone thought our newborn was so good at sleeping ... during the day!) but if you're up all night you will not know what day it is.

Please, please don't go - the pressure of even thinking about it will be causing you stress alone! Just have another chat with your brother, and maybe even tell him that you've been told by the medical team who will be looking after you that it's just not acceptable and they have strongly advised you don't even think about going (sorry if someone has already said this!)

I honestly hope you have a dream section, a dream baby and it all goes by the book. But even if it does, 10 days is still too soon IMHO.

P.S Congratulations and good luck! x

Oh - and I had a child free wedding, and do prefer them! But I don't think this is even an issue in this situation.

It's about your and baby's health. (in my case mental health too! )

x

Newmummy is talking good sense.

I really really hope you do as perfectstorm suggests.

Hopefully your bro will see that you really are torn, are not taking this lightly, and that he and his DF are being unreasonable.

newmummy does indeed talk sense.

TippleMacFreddy if your decision either way means that your relationship with your bro takes a knock, then its a knock worth taking and most definitely not your fault. x

Long thread so haven't read it all but really feel for op as had a similar situation. A funeral of close rel , 4 hrs drive away. I simply couldn't do it 2 weeks after a forceps birth, baby loosing weight, bf struggling, still unable to sit down properly and under strict instructions that baby was not to disrupt the funeral (not that I would have let that happen anyway). Did prepare to go but gave in the day befoe.
We have not and never will be forgiven
Do hope you and your db agree a solution.

I had a C-section and a really really quick recovery. didn't need painkillers by day 3 and was happy walking 20 mins into town and back after walking around the shops with the pram by day 6. However, there is no way I would have left my baby at ten days or even considered going to a wedding. No way at all. It would have been too public for bf, too tiring, the journey impossible and I would have felt just awful.

My DH had a birthday two weeks after DD was born and we went to a (small) shopping centre and I left her with DH for ten mins while I bought him a present. I hated being away from her and literally ran back to where he was. OK, that may have been a bit pfb, but its how I felt. There is no way you are going to want to leave your DC at ten days.

I was in hospital for 8 days after my first dc - planned cs. When I got home I really felt I should have stayed in longer.
It was rewarding and lovely and my ds was a very easy baby but it was the hardest time of my life.
When you have any other kind of surgery you have that recovery time. When you have a cs then you simply have to put babies needs first. It doesn't matter if you can't walk without wincing, if the painkillers make you nauseous, if your soaking a mat pad every hour, if you have mastitis and are running a fever and chills or if you could actually kill the next person who says "oh a cs - you did it the easy way!".
I agree with all the other posters who say that db and sil will cringe in years to come

No way can you leave DBaby, OP- Lambzig has reminded me of being stood in a changing cubicle attempting to try on maternity bras, gushing milk at the sheer torment of having been away from my PFB for 10 minutes!

(At 5 days post partum I should have said)

It would be good if the OP came back.

I think Bogeyface's post at Thu 26-Jan-12 00:33:25 makes a lot of sense too.

I had a reasonable labour, not easy, but not that traumatic and no CS, but as someone said there is a baby at the end of the process. 10 days after the birth I could frankly say I didn't know my arse from my elbow, and the thought of driving SIX hours to a wedding (let alone doing the wedding), would, I think, have pushed me over the edge. I was tired, I hurt, my emotions were all over the shop, I looked dreadful........I would probably have sat in the middle of the church/reception and howled (and then been in the wrong for being so miserable in their big day!)

I think even without the cs, even with the worlds easiest birth and worlds easiest baby this is a step too far. I wouldn't even contemplate it (hotels and first class trains wouldn't help either... - and actually a train would probably be worse than a car - do you know how much stuff you have to take for an hours outing with a new born, let alone nearly two days....)

The OP has come back. But as she's heavily pregnant and has a job pressured enough for her to get called in in the early hours of the morning she does perhaps have other things to do than post on this thread more often than daily.