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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to lie about the fact that DP shagged a prostitute?

360 replies

ThisIsNotMyLife · 22/01/2012 19:26

I've thrown him out. He still denies it though.

People are asking me why I threw him out. Obviously DP would like me to keep to stum. Should I keep it to myself for the sake of a quiet life? I haven't told anyone yet.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 19:34

I am really sorry, OP

I hope you never take him back

lucky4 · 22/01/2012 19:35

Personally I would be too ashamed to tell anyone but on the other hand I would want to get the bastard back .. let him think you are going to tell all and sundry even if your not..and dont waste your time listening to his excuses the dirty perv!! glad you had the guts to throw him out you go girl!!

JugglingWithSnowballs · 22/01/2012 19:35

I think I'd tell most people he'd slept with another woman ( the truth, but not necessarily the whole truth )

As usual in life you just have to reflect on things and take the choice that will be best for you.

( This is a good general rule and actually isn't as selfish as it sounds, as what is good for us is often best for our loved ones in particular too. Strangers can even benefit from this philosophy as we often enjoy giving to others ! )

squeakytoy · 22/01/2012 19:35

why would it affect her, squeaky ?

People talking about her, wondering if he passed anything on to her for starters! Kids getting to hear about it if there are any kids..

It isnt nice to be talked about, and people do love to have a good gossip and rumours soon spread.

Worst case scenario is other men hearing about it and more rumours going round about how OP has got some sort of STD because her husband shagged prostitutes...

MrsCampbellBlack · 22/01/2012 19:36

Well if someone pointedly asked 'did he sleep with a prostitute' I wouldn't lie but I wouldn't feel the need to just volunteer the information.

Sorry you're going through this Thisisnotmylife.

diabolo · 22/01/2012 19:37

Can you just say you found out he had been unfaithful to you and leave it at that?

People (mostly) are sensitive enough to leave it alone then surely?

Sorry OP - I would be devastated.

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Original poster
ThisIsNotMyLife · 22/01/2012 19:38

I'm telling them it was about money (partially true) and 'lying'. My Dad at least has guessed that there is more to it.

OP posts:
Newtothisstuff · 22/01/2012 19:39

I left my exh because he was violent he didn't want me to say anything about that so I didnt, everyone thought I was in the wrong because I left him ! So I started telling the truth.. Best thing I did.. Tell whoever asks.. You have nothing to be ashamed of.. You caught him you left him.. End of !!

AThingInYourLife · 22/01/2012 19:39

Jesus, tell your own Dad if you want to.

squeakytoy · 22/01/2012 19:40

and you sound like the worst sort of gossip to be even comtemplating that

ermm perhaps because I have actually known this happen to someone close to me... but thanks for that Hmm

my cousin had to live with the village gossip about her for years.. people whispering and looking over at her in the pub, at the school gates, in the shops... it was bloody horrible for her and things like that are always remembered by people...

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 19:40

tell them what you like, love

but if you are frightened about the sort of gossip demonstrated right here on this thread, be prepared to be vilified for being a "tight cow who controlled the purse strings and a humourless bitch"

really, people will put their own spin on things

at least if you tell the truth, the spin will be somewhere near accurate

sheeplikessleep · 22/01/2012 19:42

No shame, but I wouldn't want loads of people in the street / other mums to know. It's difficult to put into words, but it isn't any of their business and I just don't want to be talked about.

He sounds like a prick who deserves everything coming to him, but I just don't see what benefit it would bring with every Tom, Dick and Harry knowing the details? As I say, if it were me, I'd tell immediate family and 2 - 3 close friends. Just so they can help in the best way and provide the right support.

Dustinthewind · 22/01/2012 19:42

'I am failing to understand how it could bite her on the backside'

Then you must know much nicer people than some of those I've come into contact with. One of the judgements that the stupid and ignorant may make is that he went to a prostitute because she failed as a wife, in bed or as a partner. He was filling his manly urges elsewhere because his woman wasn't good enough.
It is a constant source of surprise and disappointment to me how bitchy and unsupportive people can be in situations like this. It's almost like a talisman against it happening to you, if you can blame the woman and make it her fault, then your partner won't do the same thing because you are not like her.
OP, do whatever you feel would make you get closure, but think about your children too and how they will be affected by their knowledge of their father's sleeping around. Don't make your decision based on sparing him embarrassment.
Are you sure about all the events that took place?

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 19:42

if a woman I knew baldly told me "I left my husband becuase he shagged prostitutes" I would shake her by the hand and take her for a celebratory drink

seriously

SolpadeineMaxed · 22/01/2012 19:42

Well, for starters is it 100% true? He denies it. I would keep schtum because I wouldn't want people pitying me, and all the 'Did you hear what Solpadeine's DH did' gossip that would go with it. Also, if we had DC's together I wouldn't want them to know, why burden them with it (unless they were school leaver's +). I wouldn't want to air my dirty linen in public either.

If it was true, I would seriously consider where my relationship was going. If we split I would say 'He's a twat, that's all you need to know'. Which would be true.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 22/01/2012 19:43

I wouldn't cover for him either, I wouldn't even have a discussion with my dh about it. I would throw him the fuck out of the house and tell him never to darken the door again!

And then listen to himabout how he "couldn't help himself" and how he "felt under pressure and just wanted to shag for the sake of shagging and not TTC sex" Hmm

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 19:43

squeaky and did you contribute to that village gossip ?

it's not inevitable you know, if you have decent people on your side

it sounds like that "person you knew" had no-one on her side

poor woman

Dustinthewind · 22/01/2012 19:45

Sorry OP, took so long posting that I missed you were TTC and didn't have children yet. So now you are going to need a healthcheck, if you are TTC you won't have been using any barriers and who knows what he might have brought home from his wanderings and shared with you?

FabbyChic · 22/01/2012 19:45

Id not lie for him, I would tell the truth if asked.

I'd never cover for anything like that, he deserves all the grief he gets to be honest. Why make it look like something like money when in fact he shagged a hooker and put your health at risk.

Original poster
ThisIsNotMyLife · 22/01/2012 19:45

He sent the email to book the appointment and got the cash out of the bank machine. He claims he couldn't go through with it so went and met me from work instead.

Thing is, it happened on a saturday (few months ago) and I work Monday to Friday. Grin

He's really quite thick.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 19:45

dust so you would be happy to continue supporting that sort of mindset would you ?

I don't give a shit what the ignorant people of this world think of me

MyOhMyOh · 22/01/2012 19:45

I would tell people that he's a cheating, lying, pathetic, manipulative dirtbag (for expecting you to protect him by lying Shock but wouldnt volunteer the info re fucking a prostitute. Just because it's so fucking disgusting that it would be too painful to disclose. But I would make sure everyone who mattered knew how despicable he is.

MrsCampbellBlack · 22/01/2012 19:46

I agree there's no shame for the OP but but I just wouldn't feel the need to share such information with people really. But I'm fairly private I guess.

Surely nowadays if people get divorced - people don't really ask why apart from those very closest to you.

KittyFane · 22/01/2012 19:46

If you want to tell people, do. You have nothing to be ashamed about. He has. However, I don't tell anyone anything unless I want more people to know. People generally talk about other's lives and many like a gossip. Hmm

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