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Original poster

to not want to lie about the fact that DP shagged a prostitute?

360 replies

ThisIsNotMyLife · 22/01/2012 19:26

I've thrown him out. He still denies it though.

People are asking me why I threw him out. Obviously DP would like me to keep to stum. Should I keep it to myself for the sake of a quiet life? I haven't told anyone yet.

OP posts:
lurkerspeaks · 22/01/2012 23:03

This happened to my friend.

She told close friends but not everyone.

So he got some humiliation but not total and those of us that do know would never use it against her. Our male friends were particularly outraged - and interestingly he stopped attending 'blokes football' shortly afterwards despite living in the spare bedroom of the bloke who organised it.

Watching her go through it was terrible. You have my utmost sympathy on the plus side she is now married to a lovely, lovely bloke (a million times nicer than her ex) and they have two kids.

sunshineandbooks · 22/01/2012 23:09

I don't see anyone suggesting naming and shaming because he's a man. They're saying don't cover for someone who's used a prostitute. His gender is relevant only in the fact that it tends to be men who use prostitutes and such men are usually uncaring at best and misogynistic at worst. It's his behaviour that's responsible not his gender.

SharonGless · 22/01/2012 23:14

Op has said it was a throw away comment about FB.

Tell your dad if you want to, tell the whole bloody street if you want to. You haven't done anything wrong.

People will be speculating anyway so tell them the truth, maybe not every detail but enough.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 22/01/2012 23:14

His gender is relevant because they were TTC, so he was having sex with a prostitute and then having unprotected sex with the OP.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 22/01/2012 23:21

It's not because he's a man, it's because he's the one who went to a prostitute.

If the OP had done that, and he was asking the same question as she has, then my advice would be the same too. Name and shame if you want to, if you are sure it's the right thing for you to do.

BaronessBomburst · 22/01/2012 23:25

Just asked for DH's perspective on this one. He made an interesting point - if XP wanted sex, why did he go to an escort? If he is as good-looking and popular as you insinuated earlier on, and he wanted sex, why didn't he just pick up a girl in a nightclub and cheat in the 'normal' way? It was odd that he went to an escort and that rang alarm bells.

You are well rid of him. You won't be lonely for long - it may seem like forever but it won't be. And what you tell people is up to you - some will blame you and some will blame him and that has more to do with their own personalities than what you tell them.

Sarraburd · 22/01/2012 23:29

Coming to this thread late.

But one thing no-one mentioned that I find weird is that he leant OP the computer with all the evidence on it for her to read that he was soliciting. We have a family friend (father's godson) who has a track record of ending relationships by being so horrible to his OH that they end up dumping HIM. (he sees my dad as more dad than his rubbish dad so we always end up getting close to the girlfriends and I end up being the Shoulder). Anyway. Just wondering if he knew deal-breaker and gambled that soliciting without proof of actual deed would prevent OP telling the Mutual Friends?? And him get home free Scott free? Certainly he wasn't TTC if only three times in six months at
OP's instigation.

Whatever it is OP he's undoubtedly an arsehole and don't feel you need to cover for him.

Good luck x

Sarraburd · 22/01/2012 23:35

BB - exactly - no mess (and possibly even no deed) but instant dismissal. I think he lacks guts and this was an 'easy' way out.

Sarraburd · 22/01/2012 23:36

(cross-posted with BB first time round)

TotemPole · 22/01/2012 23:37

why didn't he just pick up a girl in a nightclub and cheat in the 'normal' way?

A prostitute is a business transaction and he'd expect them to be discreet. A girl in a night club could cause more problems.

Sarraburd, I thought the same. 3 time in 6 months isn't TTC.

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 23:40

there is another reason for "why did he use a prostitute and not pick up a girl in a nightclub"

some men hate women and the whole thrill is precisely the buying of the right to do what he wants to her

TotemPole · 22/01/2012 23:40

The reason a lot of men go to a prostitute is that's it's uncomplicated sex.

The girl in the night club might not put out the first night, he might have to take her out for dinner a few times first. It could work out more expensive and not guaranteed sex at the end of it. She could get emotionally involved when all he wants is sex.

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 23:41

if he wanted uncomplicated sex with no "comeback" he could have had it with his partner

TotemPole · 22/01/2012 23:46

AF, yes he could have done, but he wanted to go elsewhere. If he wasn't happy in the relationship he should have discussed this and either worked it out or ended it first.

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 23:47

absolutely

garlicfrother · 22/01/2012 23:49

Look, I've had long discussions with XH and the men in my family who think men "just do that". Nary a one of 'em is looking for some weirdly arcane sexperience that's unavailable in a relationship. They like the variety, the simplicity and, basically, the fact that the prostitute has no real choice.

At the time of these convos, I had a softer attitude about prostitution (I'm still not anti-prostitution under all circumstances, btw.) The men I was talking to had no illusions about my sensitivity or experience - they would have told me of any unusual practices motivating their choice. But, no. It simply boils down to the fact that they LIKE USING WOMEN. People here might be averse to the word misogynist, but it's the best fit. Women, to them, are not fully human.

I could go on, but we have other threads for discussing the facts of prostitution and the men who buy bodies.

Sarraburd · 22/01/2012 23:59

Met a high class prostitute at a city wedding once - she was there as partner of one of the guests as she was his regular. She didn't seem to have a problem with it at all. Totally anti (help at trafficked women's refuge) so was weird perspective for me.

I digress - point is agree with transactional point (that's what it was to the girl
I met. Actually she thought the wedding was Quite Fun too. God he was an
Arsehole though). But I'm not sure this guy actually transacted so much as just wanted Out. Why lend the computer? Most men are so careful to cover tracks.

WorraLiberty · 23/01/2012 00:03

Sarra I can't even work out why he booked via email when the website has a phone number and advises contact that way, let alone why he lent the OP his laptop and left himself logged in to his email account that has no 'time out' function.

Sarraburd · 23/01/2012 00:08

Worra - well, quite. Wimp. Arse.

garlicfrother · 23/01/2012 00:12

Something like the same reason your unfaithful bloke leaves his "work meeting" condoms in his jacket pocket, puts his "at the gym" romantic dinner on the joint credit card, brags about his illegal business deal in a crowded pub, tells his brothers-in-law he uses hookers, offers to re-clock a neighbour's car?

Stupidity or entitlement; I'm not sure there's a difference.

garlicfrother · 23/01/2012 00:14

... or, what Sarraburd said Grin

AnyFucker · 23/01/2012 00:15

reason (3)

they think women are stupid

WorraLiberty · 23/01/2012 00:45

I'm even more confused now as I've just spotted another post from you tonight saying that your DH (in other posts your DP) told you he went to a prostitue as he thought she might be able to cure his 'ED'

How many times has he done this to you OP? Confused

He's denying it this time but he's admitted it in the past?

garlicfrother · 23/01/2012 00:51

A gavel has suddenly appeared in my hand. I can't sleep until I've used it.

He's a closet gay. Thump!

OurPlanetNeptune · 23/01/2012 01:16

Op, you are brilliant. I have read every single post of this thread and I'm impressed by the sense of composure, humour, and strength I get from reading your posts.

Here is my take on this:

  1. He cheated
  2. He used a prostitute
  3. He had sex with you after using said prostitute
  4. He is a misogynist
  5. He had no respect for you or your relationship
  6. He is a liar

I'm astounded that anyone would suggest that you keep your counsel because your reputation would be dragged through the mud. What a load of horse manure.

This happened to a friend of mine and everyone who learned the truth agreed her ex was a twat. She only told the facts to her close friends and family after he started lying about the reasons the relationship broke down.
No-one worthy of her friendship would have looked at her negatively, indeed I was glad she told us.

To suggest to the OP that she keep quiet because she will be gossiped about is daft and perpetuates this idea that the the OP is somewhat at fault.