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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not want to lie about the fact that DP shagged a prostitute?

360 replies

ThisIsNotMyLife · 22/01/2012 19:26

I've thrown him out. He still denies it though.

People are asking me why I threw him out. Obviously DP would like me to keep to stum. Should I keep it to myself for the sake of a quiet life? I haven't told anyone yet.

OP posts:
sunshineandbooks · 22/01/2012 22:20

Very late coming to this thread thanks to a hectic weekend, but OP I think you are great. You are showing courage, strength of character and humour at a time that must be quite difficult really, even though you know you've done the right thing by kicking him out. You are without doubt going to get past this. I salute you.

FWIW, I'm not sure I would tell people simply because I am very private and I can't stand fuss even when it's for something positive. While I think a lot of positives could come out of it, I think you should be prepared for some unexpected consequences. Life being what it is, think of the worse case scenario and if you can live with it, go ahead. You don't owe him anything and he has done you a wrong, but nor should it be incumbent on you to become his moral guardian and make a stand over it if you don't want to. It's his crime, not yours. Ultimately, it's a personal decision for you, and as long as you make it carefully it will be the right one whichever way you jump.

As an aside, the fact that he had sex with a prostitute makes it something completely different to infidelity IMO. Being unfaithful happens for a myriad of reasons, and while all are regrettable in a relationship where monogamy was agreed on by both parties, people can and do make mistakes and it doesn't make them a terrible person. Some relationships can get past infidelity if there's genuine repentance and a sincere desire to work through it (usually though the only thing the adulterer regrets is getting caught IME Wink).

However, using a prostitute never 'just happens'. It has to be actively sought out and paid for. It is not opportunistic but planned. Bad judgement or getting carried away cannot be used as excuses. A man who uses a prostitute (and 'use' is definitely the operative word), is a man who willingly contributes to an industry in which the vast majority of women are coerced, forced or have turned to in desperation. He is a man who thinks little of women and less of the vulnerable. I think the world would be a much nicer place if more people stood up and declared how unacceptable they found that. It would do much to reduce the exploitation of women.

You do whatever you want and good luck to you OP. Smile

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 22:21

Back to the OP..

JugglingWithSnowballs · 22/01/2012 22:21

Just to say, I don't see (in general) what's wrong with "pity" as an emotion.

As Blake wrote, (I think) ...

"Pity has a human face ..."

BackToBligg · 22/01/2012 22:23

She doesnt need pity.

sunshineandbooks · 22/01/2012 22:23

I think a lot of what people interpret as pity (because they are feeling low and therefore defensive) is actually compassion, which is a far nicer thing.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 22/01/2012 22:25

No children? I'd sent a screenshot from his lap top to all his friends and family.

Northernlurker · 22/01/2012 22:25

I think I would be telling those who needed to know that I had chucked him out because it turned out he was paying for sex elsewhere and was in fact stupid as well as faithless.

ChaoticAngel · 22/01/2012 22:26

For those posters who are saying the OP shouldn't tell the truth because of gossips, has it occurred to you that the gossips will err...gossip anyway. In the absence of facts they'll simply make it up.

BackToBligg · 22/01/2012 22:26

Agree sunshine. Compassion is a great thing.

YNK · 22/01/2012 22:28

OP deserves a round of applause and a deep respect.
You get in life what you are prepared to accept and she has firmly put herself way, way above this!
Good for you OP!

BackToBligg · 22/01/2012 22:30

YNK I salute you!

Demonata · 22/01/2012 22:40

OP, I found out last week that my "D"H was cheating on me. It took me until yesterday to get over the shock and talk to one of my friends. I told her all I knew and it made me feel a bit better. I chose a friend whom I trusted and whose DH was not friends with mine.

We all have different personalities (as shown in this thread!) but I would suggest talking to a trusted, discrete, friend first to see how YOU feel. Then decide what you want to do re telling/not telling others.

And just for AF...
I am going to leave the bastard, I'm simply using the time to plan my escape route, and yes I will be supplying general details to those who ask. Wink

butterflyexperience · 22/01/2012 22:41

This thread is great.

It shows how many women do think about not hiding mens crimes against women.

It also shows a great deal of truth in how society perceives a womans role that she is nothing without a man and how it is always a womans fault.

Yep this thread is a great eye opener...

ArtexMonkey · 22/01/2012 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 22/01/2012 22:46

It also shows a great deal of truth in how society perceives a womans role that she is nothing without a man and how it is always a womans fault

Nope... cant see that anywhere in this thread. I see people assuming and accusing others of it. I dont actually see anyone doing it though.

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 22:46

Demonata good luck and best wishes to you

but you don't have to convince me ....stay strong for yourself

YNK · 22/01/2012 22:46

Cheers BTB, but the real hero here is the OP - she does not need pity or compassion, she is going to do just fine without either!

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 22:48

Squeaky, that is exactly what you have doing all the way through this thread

You can't see it though

And it looks like you never will

scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 22:49

Nothing without a man?no one said that
Honest to Christ some of you can't even properly read the words on the screen
Talk about seeing what you want to see

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 22/01/2012 22:54

I do see posts saying that she shouldn't tell people her DP shagged a prostitute because they'll just blame her for not fulfilling his needs sexually.

That suggests some people think society manages to view male infidelity as the woman's fault doesn't it?

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 22:55

...and that no other man will want her

scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 22:55

No
Only to you

skybluepearl · 22/01/2012 22:59

Don't slag him off - just tell people the basic
facts if they ask.

squeakytoy · 22/01/2012 22:59

where on this thread have I said she should cover for him? where on this thread have I said she is nothing without him? show me.

I have been supportive of the OP, and I have offered her advice based on experience that a family member suffered after almost the same thing happened to her.

The actions of the partner who has slept with a prostitute may have an effect on the OPs own life that last longer than the anger she feels right now about him. I have not suggested she stay with him just so she has a man whatever the cost, nor have I suggested she try and work it out with him. (although plenty of people do actually do that, and again telling everyone why they split up would not be helpful if they got back together as it would forever hang over them).

I do not believe in naming and shaming at any cost.. just because he is a man.

Had the op been a gay woman talking about her female partner, my advice would have been the same.

Had the op been a gay man... same again.

JugglingWithSnowballs · 22/01/2012 23:00

I agree butterfly - great thread in many ways Smile