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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to lie about the fact that DP shagged a prostitute?

360 replies

ThisIsNotMyLife · 22/01/2012 19:26

I've thrown him out. He still denies it though.

People are asking me why I threw him out. Obviously DP would like me to keep to stum. Should I keep it to myself for the sake of a quiet life? I haven't told anyone yet.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 22/01/2012 21:59

I am imagining the community Squeakys cousin lives in as a bit like the 'burn the witch' village in Monty Python And The Holy Grail

Cornwall... so pretty much so.. yup. Grin

Unless your great grandmother's grandmother was born there, you are still not a true "local" either.

Salmotrutta · 22/01/2012 21:59

TBH I think that if the OP doesn't tell at least some close friends and family there will be speculation and rumour anyway.

Why should the husband be getting tea and sympathy? He has behaved abominably.

Of course there are people out there who gossip - but those sort of people will do it anyway whether the OP tells or not.

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 22:00

You are truly honoured, Quod

scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 22:00

IMO,tell those whom can support you op
It's judgement call about your needs and adequate support
Getting embroiled in a he did Whaaaaaat details might just distract and not Add nothing

WorraLiberty · 22/01/2012 22:01

Squeaky makes a good point imo

It's got nothing to do with Stepford Wives or any of the other sarcastic comments.

It's worth the OP mulling everyones points over...I take it that's why she started the thread, to canvass opinions?

If the OP can accept that other people have different thoughts to herself, then I don't see why some other people can't.

Perhaps it would be more help to the OP if some people put their claws away?

If every opinion was the same, there would be no point in anyone starting a thread on here.

SolpadeineMaxed · 22/01/2012 22:01

'Get fucking real' - I am real. So rude, no need.

BackToBligg · 22/01/2012 22:03

The stepfords thing. Really?

BackToBligg · 22/01/2012 22:04

You do know they were all robots don't you?

squeakytoy · 22/01/2012 22:05

You do know it was fiction, don't you..

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 22/01/2012 22:06

Solpa - the word 'abuse' isn't being overused here. Lots of people remain in bad situations because they are too close to it to realise that something is wrong. The OP's husband used prostitutes and then had unprotected sex with her. He may or may not know if he has picked up an STI and so could well have put the OP's health and even her life at risk. That is abuse.

Squeaky - I can see that you were speaking from the experience of seeing someone close to you fall victim to a pack of narrow-minded and gossipy shits and hopefully this won't happen to the OP, especially if she choses to tell trusted friends and relatives or those taking sides and judging her. I'm a big believer in the Stephen King mantra "Done-bun can't be undone" and always try to think carefully before I speak, because you can't ever take it back.

That said, I don't think it was fair to all AnyFucker an antagonistic twat/fucker for feeling differently to you. From what I've seen on the thread she was arguing the case for the OP and your cousin and against those nasty-minded cows who made your cousins life a misery. She is right when she says that those are the people who should feel ashamed. The antagonism IMO has come from other people trying to prolong the argument between the two of you and AF has dealt with it far better than I would have, especially when open season is declared on her because of her name (seen it on other threads before, even threads she hasn't responded to at all).

ThisIsNotMyLife - so sorry that you are feeling lonely. I think you have dealt with this very well so far and I'm sorry he's put you through it at all.

SolpadeineMaxed · 22/01/2012 22:06

If Stepford means not stamping my feet or condoning revenge or maintaining a shred of dignity, then label away.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 22/01/2012 22:07

I type too slowly, we have moved on.

Blame the birthday wine (don't tell anyone, but I have reached the age of knowing I shall never drive through Paris in a sports car...)

Plinypatus · 22/01/2012 22:10

Why does lying= dignity? Surely dignity is to be found in truth?

troisgarcons · 22/01/2012 22:11

I hate the hysteria of this forum, I really do.

no one can offer an opion without some rabid, face clawing nutter militant screaming "mysoginist".

personally, if I were the Op I would cut his balls off and saute them, possibly roll them in aspic and feed them back to him - but then I'd have another apologist arriving and telling me I had violent tendancies.

There is a lot to be said for spleen venting (be that here or with a councillor) and there is a hell of a lot more to be said for decorum, dignity and class and keeping ones own council.

Shall I lay it on the line? The OP herself said her ExH didnt find her attracive and she was initiating intimacy. Well, sing it from the rooftops ..... "My husband finds me so unattractive he'd rather pay for it".... because that IS what the average Jo/e will have, fleetingly, run through their mind. If the Op follows through her FB threats, all his mates will think she is mad, scorned and think he was right to look elsewhere because she will come across as unhinged. All the mates GF/DW/partners will pity her ..... ah yes, back to pity.

I guarantee you he will not be the one ostracised.

WorraLiberty · 22/01/2012 22:11

Sorry but imo AF was being antagonistic to suggest that Squeaky sounds like the worst kind of gossip, because she was merely pointing out to the OP that people might gossip about her.

It doesn't even make sense.

If I pointed out to someone their home might get burgled if they left their front door open, would that make me sound like I'm a burglar? Confused

scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 22:12

Good grief this she said,I said is unnecessary
Grow up and stop dissecting posts to score points
its not all about you

slowburner · 22/01/2012 22:13

I'm with toothbrush thief - people make their own minds up in the absence of the truth

Get yourself some rl support, your dad, close friends etc. If it's over then just tell people he cheated, I don't think I am a stepford wife but I do think there is some good advice about your repiutation being tarnished if you expain to everyone he shagged a whore.

As for doing it while you are ttc I am truly sorry OP, but better you know now than when you were 5 months pg and you worried sick about what STD ps he may have given your baby. Pls look after yourself.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 22/01/2012 22:13

Dignity and truth can go hand in hand. OP doesn't have to take an advert out in the papers, spam it on Facebook or tell anyone who doesn't care but wants some gossip.

However she can tell friends and family "I left him because I found out he was using prostitutes and then he lied to me about it" and then leave it at that (or say as much more as she likes.)

squeakytoy · 22/01/2012 22:14

That said, I don't think it was fair to all AnyFucker an antagonistic twat/fucker for feeling differently to you. From what I've seen on the thread she was arguing the case for the OP and your cousin and against those nasty-minded cows who made your cousins life a misery

was she heck as like.. she said that I was one of the nasty minded cows!!!

hence the reason I pulled her up on it!

I have since retracted the twat bit anyway..

SolpadeineMaxed · 22/01/2012 22:14

Ah, truth. Always the best option eh? If you live on planet mad.

ReindeerBollocks · 22/01/2012 22:15

Don't FB it. I know a woman who did this and it wasn't pretty.

However, telling people you know who care about you? Abso-fucking-lotely. He has wronged you and put your health at risk. Despite this he is trying to claw some sympathy from friends. Spineless little Shoite.

You have been brave OP, and while it hurts you can deal with this. I don't pity you, I think it takes a strong woman who won't back down or believe the BS. And do tell your dad, you clearly want to, I'm sure he adores you and just wants to check your okay.

BackToBligg · 22/01/2012 22:16

Ooh Solpa. It don't mean any of those things. I believe in keeping dignity, but I believe OP is already. There's no need for revenge. But, she can tell her story from her point of view. This is not revenge only the truth. I have no wrath with this bloke. I hope he gets it and is able to understand what he has made happen.

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 22:16

Eyes thanks x

Dustinthewind · 22/01/2012 22:18

'Good grief this she said,I said is unnecessary
Grow up and stop dissecting posts to score points
its not all about you'

Exactly that.

Plinypatus · 22/01/2012 22:18

I am pretty average and my first thought would be that he had a sexual fetish or practice he was obsessed with that he could or would not be honest about with his partner because he was either ashamed or knew that it was repugnant nothing to do with OP at all - everything to do with the prostitute user - my second thought would be how lucky the OP was to find out sooner rather than later esp while TTC tho I am sure it doesnt feel like that now OP