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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody stag dos

195 replies

LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 19/01/2012 22:19

3 x weddings (so far) to attend this summer. 2 x stag dos. One wedding is child-free - tricky with a baby and toddler but hey ho.

DH has just asked if he can go on a stag do. Undecided city in Europe for a weekend. Every year there is at least one stag do abroad and it drives me mad. UK ones I can cope with - he can do one night or even two but it doesn't cost the price of a small holiday and take up valuable family time.

We go to a lot of weddings. DD (2 1/2) has been to 14.

AIBU to ask DH not to go? He will go to the other UK one, and to all the bloody weddings.

OP posts:
OnlyANinja · 20/01/2012 09:11

It's not really about one person "letting" the other, is it?

It's about the two of you discussing it.

Is this convenient?

Can we afford it?

Will the other partner have the opportunity to do something similar?

It sounds like it's not convenient or affordable. So he shouldn't go.

Gooshka · 20/01/2012 09:16

You are definitely not bring unreasonable, I'd be really p*ssed off about it too. I'm sure if it was the other way round and you were flying off on hen weekends every five minutes he wouldn't like it either!

minimisschief · 20/01/2012 09:21

The key was when he asked

'is it ok?'

It is a question. You answer with no we cannot afford it atm. He will say ok then.

Didn't really need a thread.

disgustinglittlemen · 20/01/2012 10:27

Name changed for this.

I really oppose to stag do's and wouldn't want my dh going on one.

His business partner had one this year, 2 weeks before he was due to get married.

They indulged in the usual drinking and strip clubs etc but what really made me sick that this chap and 2 of his mates met a girl in a club, took her back to their hotel and all three had sex with her. Vile.

It gets worse, 3 days before the wedding the groom things he's got a STD and has to go the clap clinic. Shit scared.

Worst thing for me I had to sit through the weddings pretending.

Horrible.

disgustinglittlemen · 20/01/2012 10:30

Just want to point out that my dh didn't go on the stag do and was as digested as I was with his behaviour.

disgustinglittlemen · 20/01/2012 10:32

Disgusted not digested!

Gribble · 20/01/2012 10:46

DP was invited to a stag do abroad last year

He asked me what I thought - I told him no, we didnt have enough money for him to be able to go.

That was the end of it

rookiemater · 20/01/2012 11:01

If you could afford it and still go on holidays together and there was money in the budget for you to do a similar thing some other time, then I can't see why it would be an issue.

However that isn't the case here. You need to know how much it costs and from the sounds of it, it isn't in your budget.

If it were me I would ask your DH to confirm exactly how much it will cost from the family budget including spending money and how long it will be. It's easy to pretend that it isn't much if you are paying for flights, hotels, spends separately, but you are right altogether its a lot of dosh. then you need to make a decision together rather than him acting like a naughty school boy with you as strict mum.

Violet5 · 20/01/2012 11:04

I think some stag do's make a mockery of marriage (imo).
I told my husband if he wanted to indulge in that sort of behaviour then that was fine, just don't do it while being married to me. I've never made excuses about why i don't want him to go on stag do's, like the cost etc, i've just been totally honest with him.

He didn't have one before our wedding and as far as i know isn't planning on attending other's he's been invited to. I've sat through weddings before when i've known what the stag and his party got up to weeks before and it's turned my stomach, don't know why the grooms actually wanted to get married if they've no respect for their wives to be !

I might be another horrible, joy draining wife with no sense of humour but my husband respects i'm not comfortable with what goes on at a lot of stag do's and understands why and respects me for being honest about it rather than making out 'it's fine'.

Our marriage and my happiness is more important to him than a night out or away with the lads and he's man enough to tell them that.

I've read lots of threads re stag do's, they make me very pleased i married the man i did Smile

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Original poster
LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 20/01/2012 20:39

AF, you have always been one of my favourite MN characters but I really do think you are being pig-headed here.

My husband wants to go on a stag do with his friends. He has been on many before, and his, which was organised for him as a surprise, included pole dancers. In order to calm his future wife down and stop her from hating his friends, he tried to assert that they weren't strippers.

He does not buy sexual services, not does he feed me 'headfuckery'. You are putting two and two together and coming up with something else altogether.

Just so you know, DH is a wonderful (albeit a bit naive) husband, and a brilliant dad. He is very different from me, and not all that informed about the ways of the world. He is learning. When we first met he was a tory with very narrow minded views on all kinds of things. Now he is green and liberal and understands much more about things outside of his personal scope of experience.

Which leads me onto MsPav "really OP, you're DH is not lovely. My XH was manipulative and controlling." - Just because yours was doesn't mean mine is! Honestly truly he is in no way controlling. Apart from sometimes with the remote control, but then I prefer the computer anyway.

MN drives me mad sometimes!

OP posts:
inspireme · 20/01/2012 21:13

Well said op, too many people jump to crazy conclusions on here, and pounce on things you write and picking them up the wrong way!!

Not every husband is abusive/violent/controlling and everyone doesn't have a hidden agenda, split personality or issues, most people are actually normal and have normal marriages.

psketti · 20/01/2012 21:18

I think if we could afford it, I'd say no problems. Most of my dh's mates do nothing more than drink a lot of beer and fall asleep.

foglike · 20/01/2012 21:20

LoopyLoopsHootyHoots absolutely fantastic and I applaud you for defending your obviously lovely DH.

You'll be together and happy for a very very long time with that attitude,fair play to you.

Original poster
LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 20/01/2012 21:24

I hope so. because he is wonderful, a true feminist's ideal husband.

Thanks. :)

OP posts:
TartyMcFarty · 20/01/2012 21:27

He wants to go to everything that they go to, and he doesn't want me to hate his friends.

But he's made the decision to become your husband and a SAHD, and needs to put the responsibilities attached to that first.

TartyMcFarty · 20/01/2012 21:29

By that, I mean he has responsibilities to you as a family, and that means ensuring a balance between the time you spend at work and that you spend as a whole family.

Original poster
LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 20/01/2012 21:30

Yes, you are right, he does.

Wanting to do stuff with his friends doesn't make him a skanky, controlling sex-buyer though.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/01/2012 22:00

I am glad you came back, loopy

I thought I had pissed you off forever

just one more thought, and please let this just settle

why does your husband keep pressuring you to sanction his use of the sex industry ?

this is the third incident you have mentioned so far, in your marriage, starting with his own stag do

and why does he prioritise his mate's good opinion of him, over yours ?

Original poster
LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 20/01/2012 22:09

I went to bed! :)

I'm not sure that he does pressurise me to do anything of the sort. Does he? You do know that stag dos aren't necessarily synonymous with the sex industry, don't you AF?

OP posts:
Irishchic · 20/01/2012 22:10

Loopy - You've got to understand something here. No matter how long you have been married or know your dh, Anyfucker knows him better than you, and has a unique insight into his personality and foibles and indeed the likelihood of his being a twat and your marriage breaking up.

Seriously though. Discuss this with him, take on board whatever MN views that seem balanced and fair to you, and then make your own mind up.

foglike · 20/01/2012 22:15

If you can afford it and you seriously trust him and don't mind just let him go on his mini break with his mates.

And you're right stag do's don't entail sleazy behaviour most of the time it involves drinking until you're incapable so i've heard.

Forget the overtly negative comments on here and go with your gut instincts is my opinion...it's your life.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2012 22:50

loopy, your first query was about the reasonableness of the stag do's

you got a set of answers about that

it was actually you who volunteered the info about the strippers in the middle of a chilly field for his stag do (and how it threatend your marriage), your thread last year about him pressuring you to go on a foreign stag do with his mates that have form for skanking when you were pg that you had to fight off, and the renewed pressure this year for him to do the same

and all the way through you have felt bad for objecting

and have been quite open about how naive and easily led by his mates he is

you were quite angry with him at one point last night, but it seems to have dissolved into a defensive stance now about what a wonderful person he is

that may be, but his behaviour says otherwise to me

he sounds selfish, and weak

he may be a lovely husband wen he gets his own way (they all are), but he needs to grow up and decide where his priorities lie

have you spoken to him yet, btw ?

foglike · 20/01/2012 22:52

Are you trying to embarrass the OP Anyfucker Confused

AnyFucker · 20/01/2012 22:53

are you trying to say I am a liar foglike ?

susiedaisy · 20/01/2012 22:53

loopy if you simply said to your dh no i would rather you didnt go to the stag do thats abroad this year because its too expensive and we wouldnt have the family time together what would he say?? and no yanbu to say no to the foreign stag do by the way.