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AIBU?

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Original poster

about lapdancing clubs (yes that old chestnut again)

163 replies

whomovedmyblackberry · 19/01/2012 20:42

Dh is going out with an old friend who has a 'reputation', on Saturday night.
I said 'oh I hope you won't go to any lapdancing clubs'. Dh then got a little defensive and ended up saying that he won't be dictated to, and I cannot impose my morality on him. He did say that it wouldn't be in his plans but he wasn't morally against it and would go if someone else wanted to etc.

I said that in a marriage you have to respect the other person's moral stance and feelings to which he said if he asked me to stop eating meat would I (he's veggie).
I don't think it's really the same.

As background he doesn't show any interest sexually in me, hence me feeling especially shirty about lapdancing clubs.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 19/01/2012 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/01/2012 20:46

I think you're right about the clubs (yuk) and he is right about the meat (not a veggie but he's right, moral stance is a moral stance). However, you have bigger problems if he doesn't want you.

hwjm1945 · 19/01/2012 20:49

Real prob is your lack of sex life. ButI agree that lap dancing clubs are not acceptable and the less men who frequent them, the less likely they are to operate. In a nutshell, I think they are disgraceful and that they are the tip of the sex industry's massive stinking iceberg. The girls in the clubs may not be traffciked as they are the public face of it, but in the sex industry there is a lot of violence, coercon, rape and misery. He should be ashamed of himslef if he goes .As you can tell, I feel very strongly about this. Used to work at a place where clients were taken to this sort of place and I objected for much same reasons. It stopped, mainly cos I think it fell out of fashion

Hoolet · 19/01/2012 20:49

Agree with Mrs Pratchett.

You can ask him to respect your wishes that he doesn't go to a lapdancing club but if there's ishoos about sex between you then he might go to make a point. Or just to get his kicks if the two of you don't have a sex life.

That's the main issue but you probably can't fix it by Saturday night. Maybe just ask him again nicely if he'll come home without going.

TroublesomeEx · 19/01/2012 20:50

I don't know if it isn't the same really.

I'm veggie. DH isn't. But he doesn't eat meat in the house. He does that out of respect for me. I've never banned meat!

DH wouldn't go to a lapdancing club anyway, but I know that if he were in a group of men who ended up in one, he wouldn't go out of respect for me.

I don't get drunk on a night out so that he ends up looking after the children on his own the following day as well as the night before and vice versa out of respect for each other.

We do lots of things for each other out of respect for each other that we wouldn't necessarily do otherwise.

I don't think you can expect to impose boundaries/set expectations for a partner without expecting a few back the other way.

As far as the lap dancing clubs go. I think they're disgusting. It's one of the things that would be a deal breaker for me. Have you discussed the lack of sexual interest with him?

purplepansy · 19/01/2012 20:52

If my DH was going to lapdancing clubs for fun I would go mental. If he wasn't interested in me, and was going to lapdancing clubs, when he knew it upset me I would be a more than a bit worried really. Sorry OP.

hwjm1945 · 19/01/2012 20:55

i realised that i got so carried away with my views on lap dancing I did not dela with the original issue. I think that one always tries to modify behaviour for a partner or a friend, provided it is not akin to being controlled. FOr example, I am loud and am quite happy to be loud in the street. DP is not loud and he cringes if he thinks random passers by cna hear what i am saying - normally v unimportant stuff like what I read in the paper or something - whihc I think is ludicrous, so when with him, i do tone it down. THe veggie thing is different though - he does not really want you to stop eating meat, he jujst said it so get at yuo, tit for tat. If it truly bohterd him, I would think about it and try to work something out.

Original poster
whomovedmyblackberry · 19/01/2012 21:14

Folkgirl, I didn't used to have any meat in the house out of respect for him actually. Then we had ds and made a decision we would 'feed' him meat occasionally (and he turned into quite a carnivore despite not really getting meat so much Blush). Even now though we never cook any meat next to anything dh has, do not have any meat which smells (dh dislikes this) and only have it about once a week anyway.
So whilst maybe I'm not totally respecting his view, I have certainly compromised with the bit that affects him. Anyway, the reason he doesn't eat meat is he doesn't like it or find it healthy, not some huge thing about not wanting to kill animals.

Also, it is surely a bit different. What I eat out of the house affects me but not him. If he goes leering at other women that can affect our relationship.

Totally agree we do need to sort our sex life out. I have tried somewhat but don't want to get into that discussion on this thread (I have posted elsewhere about it previously and had some good advice although nothing has changed yet between us).

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/01/2012 21:18

Neither of you should be trying to control each other.

If he gets you to stop eating meat and you get him to stop going where he wants....what then?

Where is it going to end?

Do you then decide who each other gets to talk to?

Will you ban each other from wearing certain clothes?

I'd say there is a lot more to your marriage problems than what sort of club he chooses to drink in on Saturday night.

It sounds as though you both need to try to sort things out relationship wise.

Original poster
whomovedmyblackberry · 19/01/2012 21:36

To be fair, he doesn't normally say I should stop eating meat so it's not really an issue. He was saying it hypothetically to counter the idea that I could ask him to now go to a lapdancing club.

I was indeed asking him not to go to lapdancing clubs though.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 19/01/2012 21:43

LApdancing clubs are vile. DHs ex boss used to work in one and despite the assertion that the girls arent trafficked, do it out of choice etc, its bollocks. Most of the girls at the club he worked at were there either illegally and being pimped or were their legally, but also being pimped. Of the handful of girls that were UK born, most were in and out of the industry in a very short time when they realised that it didnt just entail literal lap dancing. There are not supposed to be "extras" but there are. Its a vile industry and nowhere near as harmless as many visitors to the clubs believe.

And thats aside from the cost! If he is going to one then dont expect him to come home with any change from a couple of hundred quid.

Being veggie, with no moral objections to dead animals, is totally different to objecting to taking an active part in forwarding the use of powerless women in the sex industry. I wouldnt be able to see him in the same light again if he was happy to do that :(

Bogeyface · 19/01/2012 21:43

Oh and OP, could his defensiveness come from the fact that he has already been to a LD club with this friend and therefore knew it was likely to happen again?

Original poster
whomovedmyblackberry · 19/01/2012 22:30

Yes I did wonder why he seemed defensive. He said I was being 'attacking' about it by raising it as an issue?

I don't thiNk he would tell me if he had been recently to one as he knows he would get what he would call grief about it.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 19/01/2012 22:31

Methinks the man doth protest too much.

A jokey comment is not attacking unless the person hearing it knows that they have done something worth attacking....iykwim!

maypole1 · 19/01/2012 22:34

whomovedmyblackberry what you really mean is do as I say

Because what if he has no moral objections to going

To be honest he only end up going behind your back if any one really believes their oh dose not go to strip clubs on stag dos they live in coco land

It will be like in the hang over we're the dentist tells his wife their going on a wine tasting trip

I went to a dream boys show for a hen do and it was a hoot

AnyFucker · 19/01/2012 22:35

You do realise your husband has been to a LDC before, and that he fully plans to do it again this weekend, don't you ?

Have you posted about this before ?

The LDC/arsehole veggie husband sounds a tad familiar

AnyFucker · 19/01/2012 22:36

maypole...on the gin again are you ?

maypole1 · 19/01/2012 22:37

My oh dose not own me and cannot dictate to me we're and when I can go out thanks

I have had partners who try and tell me what is a suitable evening out I had two years of things kicking of every time I wanted to go out with my best friend who he thought had a bad reputation

To be honest she didn't he didn't like her because she had his controlling number and the other thingthatpissed me off even if she was a slag he should of know me better

And I say no thanks

Bogeyface · 19/01/2012 22:39

mapole Unless things have changed I dont think that any of the dreamboys ended up doing their thang after being smuggled into the UK and threatened by violence or rape, and in many cases actually suffering violence and rape. I find it hard to believe that any of the DB go out and shake their willies and then hand over their earnings to their pimps.

FFS, there is a whole world of difference between a legitimate dance troupe who happen to get nekked and women being trafficked into the sex industry.

Hmm
AnyFucker · 19/01/2012 22:40

put some more tonic it, love

Bogeyface · 19/01/2012 22:40

MAYPOLE erm.....can we have that last post again in english please, or atleast, Soberese?

Bogeyface · 19/01/2012 22:41

:o AF as my Grandad used to say, "you need to take more water with it" :o

marblerye · 19/01/2012 22:41

I think he is right. You can't dictate to him and you can't impose your morality on him. You can decide if his behaviour is acceptable to you or not and act accordingly.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2012 22:41

in it

FredFredGeorge · 19/01/2012 22:41

Him keeping it a little quiet not telling you all about it sounds just the same sort of compromises as you with the meat. And yes it is the exact same issue, you have different morals on various subjects and the question is how much you can impose your morals on your partner.

Personally I don't think you should even begin to impose your morals, and if yours are incompatible then you should not be a couple.

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