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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about lapdancing clubs (yes that old chestnut again)

163 replies

whomovedmyblackberry · 19/01/2012 20:42

Dh is going out with an old friend who has a 'reputation', on Saturday night.
I said 'oh I hope you won't go to any lapdancing clubs'. Dh then got a little defensive and ended up saying that he won't be dictated to, and I cannot impose my morality on him. He did say that it wouldn't be in his plans but he wasn't morally against it and would go if someone else wanted to etc.

I said that in a marriage you have to respect the other person's moral stance and feelings to which he said if he asked me to stop eating meat would I (he's veggie).
I don't think it's really the same.

As background he doesn't show any interest sexually in me, hence me feeling especially shirty about lapdancing clubs.

OP posts:

ClothesOfSand · 20/01/2012 13:20

I am a vegetarian and I don't think eating meat and going to a lapdancing club are equivalent. I very much doubt that eating meat would be something that would carry much weight as unreasonable behaviour for divorce. Going to a lapdancing club, particularly if you were actually having naked women writhe around on you surely would be a reason people would often use for divorce.

If DH found out that a load of men had been parading around our sitting room and rubbing their naked bodies over me, or even if I had just been there while one of the men had writhed about on one of my friends, I think he'd probably consider that infidelity. Doing this in a club set up for the purpose doesn't somehow make it better.

Original poster

whomovedmyblackberry · 20/01/2012 13:53

Foglike, I don't get what you are saying. I don't mind him going out with the old friend per se. I would mind if they went to a LD club and I want my dh to recognise that.

Why on earth is control written all over that sentence? I don't understand.

OP posts:

foglike · 20/01/2012 13:57

What has his old friends reputation got to do with your decision not to like him going to a lapdancing club?

Has he just turned into a raving sex monster or is this a new thing that his old friend has turned him on to?

Davsmum · 20/01/2012 14:04

I wouldn't dream of telling my partner he should not go to a lapdancing club. He is a grown man and can make his own decisions.
Personally I think they are yukky - and I think men sat ogling women is yukky - but men are different to women and many ( if not all) seem to like that sort of thing.
Its like telling men they shouldn't look at porn - They do !!

At the end of the day,.. you either trust your partner or you don't and if you don't then I would question why you are with someone you don't trust ? Or why you are unable to trust ?

Theres less chance of a bloke getting off with a woman at a lpadancing club than at a normal club - The dancers are not interested in the pervs that go there !

If I were youI would be trying to work out my sex life ?

JestersHat · 20/01/2012 14:09

YANBU. I bet he'd soon change his tune if you told him you were going to see a male erotic dancing show!

Chocobo · 20/01/2012 14:10

Davsmum - what does trust have to do with it? I trust my husband completely but my issue with LD clubs is that going to one shows a willingness to treat a woman as something that can be bought and sold and a lack of respect for women. I would be unhappy if my DH went to one because it would make me question what kind of person he was.

G1nger · 20/01/2012 14:10

It's about having respect for women. Yanbu.

Chocobo · 20/01/2012 14:12

And just to add that you have called the patrons of LD clubs "pervs" in your post Davsmum so why would you be happy with your DH being a perv?

Davsmum · 20/01/2012 14:14

WHy ??? Why would he change his tune because of that ?

Why are couples so jealous of each other and so distrustful ?

Men fancy other women apart from their wives/girlfriends.... fact ! They get turned on by other women..fact. It doesn't mean they do not love you or will be unfaithful. ( well, unless you are so paranoid you make their life hell)
You cannot change the way a man thinks.

I went to one of those Chippendale type nights on a hen-do years ago, and from what I saw - women are a LOT worse than men at lap dancing clubs.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/01/2012 14:15

I see Fog's point.......it isnt about having respect for women, if it were why is OP saying that the old friend has a reputation......which indicates she doesnt like him going out with this particular person, so nothing to do with expolitation, lack of respect to women etc etc.

giveitago · 20/01/2012 14:16

Wow - don't think that having meat around a vegetarian is the same as going to lap dancing club. His argument is weak.

But whatever his argument - are you happy with this or not?

BTW - my best friend is vegan and cooks meat for her family and her kid. My mum's side are all veggies (religious) who are fine around meat for other people and in fact I know quite a few religious veggies who take their kids to mcdonalds for kids parties. They won't eat the beef but are happy for their kids to do so at kiddie parties. I don't suppose they'd think the trade off is for their dspouse to go to a sex club.

I'd separate the veggie business from the lap dancing clubs.

Chocobo · 20/01/2012 14:17

I took OP's post about friend with "reputation" as her grounds for suspecting that part of a night out with this friend would involve a visit to a LD club.

Chavmum · 20/01/2012 14:18

This is very timely. My partner recently went to one, and I'm not happy about it. I trust him, but I have jealousy issues (my issues, but he knows about them). We have talked about going to a club together (I'm interested in seeing what they're about), so he probably thinks I'll be fine with it. We have a very good relationship but it makes me feel icky that he's gone on his own :(

Davsmum · 20/01/2012 14:20

Chocobo - I didn't say I would be happy for him to go. I said I would not dream of telling him he should not go. I think its pervy. He may or may not agree with that.

My point IS,.. its ok to say how you feel about them yourself - but its not ok to expect someone to agree with you ! I think you may find that many men pretend to their partners that they are 'above' that sort of thing - when in reality they do enjoy it.

foglike · 20/01/2012 14:20

Bravo to you chavmum.

Tell us what it's like please :)

Chavmum · 20/01/2012 14:25

Foglike :) will do!

I have no hang ups about myself, but the thought of 'bits' in his face bothers me. However, I kind of feel 2 faced about it as I was the one who suggested we went together. I'm glad he told me about it, I'd rather him be honest than hide it, but I'm going to have to say something for going without me!

Chocobo · 20/01/2012 14:25

Davsmum - actually do agree with you on that it would be up to my DH if he went or not but if he did it would cause problems in our relationship because I would be wondering if I knew my DH at all. My DH knows how I feel about LD clubs but luckily feels the same way about them - and I know he is not making this up - it really is not something he would be interested in at all.

I actually think that there are probably many men out there who feel the same as my DH but go along with "the lads" because LD clubs are so socially acceptable that they do not want to be seen as "wimps" or not "macho"

SlightlyJaded · 20/01/2012 14:26

The simple fact of the matter is that he is your husband, you have made it clear you don't want him to do something (with excellent reason) and he is not respecting that, but instead trying to 'win' an argument by counter-proposing the veggie/meat scenario.

Neither of you should even arguing or point scoring. You should both be considering how the other person feels (as I feel you have done with your compromise on meat in the kitchen).

This isn't about imposing your morality on someone else. It is about respect within a partnership. He should listen and consider your feelings (and vice versa) even if you make an unreasonable request, just because this is how you love and respect someone.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 20/01/2012 14:29

I can see why you would have a problem with him going on his own. Somehow, that seems different to a lads night where they all go together.

I disagree that it's about respect for women. I have a friend who works in a lap dancing club and she is certainly not exploited. She loves her job most of the time, although like most jobs it has it's god and bad points, and it has helped pay for her wedding in Jamaica next month. She likes it because it's good money and she is around to do school runs etc.

If so many people seem to think it is about respect for women, would you all apply for a divorce knowing that your DHs had looked at porn at any point in their lives? I know that not all men use porn, but I don't believe that the vast majority of them have never looked at any. It's the same thing in my mind.

ClothesOfSand · 20/01/2012 14:30

When I'm reading these threads, I never know if I'm the person living in a bubble or some of the posters living on here do.

I don't believe that the majority of men do go to lap dancing clubs. Quite apart from the exploitation of women element, I would assume that a lot of men would be nervous being around the type of men who do go to lap dancing clubs. It is like a lot of people avoid certain town centres on a Friday night because of the likelihood of aggressive drunk people. I'd always assumed that it was those small town Friday night drinking men who were likely to go to lap dancing clubs.

Davsmum · 20/01/2012 14:33

Chocobo - Yes,.. I know that men will go along with stuff like that to be 'on eof the lads'
I would actually be disappointed if my partner went to one - but it would not make me wonder if I really knew him and I would prefer to know than having him go to one and feel he had to lie about it.

I agree with Slightlyjaded that a husband should listen and consider your feelings - but that doesn't mean he has to do exactly what you say or want !
Your feelings about something are your own issue and you cannot expect a partner to be somebody they are not - just to suit you !
I know people who make totally unreasonable demands on their partners - Where do you draw the line ?

Chocobo · 20/01/2012 14:35

Of course it is about respect for women. IUseTooMuch - I am sure your friend is not the only woman who enjoys doing LD for a living. However do you actually think the men that pay her to take her clothes off care if she enjoys it or not or whether she has been co-erced/trafficked or doing it because of financial difficulties/drug addiction etc? Of course they don't. They don't care about who she is at all.

ClothesOfSand · 20/01/2012 14:36

Davsmum, I would draw the line at getting into a relationship with anybody that thought being 'one of the lads' was an acceptable way to behave beyond the age of about 14.

Chocobo · 20/01/2012 14:38

Davsmum - I think every relationship is different and so it would be down to each individual in that relationship to decide for themselves what are important or unreasonable issues for them. If you (I mean a general you - not you personally) cannot agree on this then I would say your relationship is in trouble.

So, for example LD clubs are not as much an issue for you as they are for me but that is fine - everyone is entitled to decide what will be an important issue in their relationship.

Davsmum · 20/01/2012 14:47

Can't argue with that Chocobo.
There has to be compromise in every relationship.

I do have friends who have gone to lapdancing clubs WITH their partners/husbands. Most have said they were not as 'bad' as people imagine.

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