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AIBU?

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Original poster

about lapdancing clubs (yes that old chestnut again)

163 replies

whomovedmyblackberry · 19/01/2012 20:42

Dh is going out with an old friend who has a 'reputation', on Saturday night.
I said 'oh I hope you won't go to any lapdancing clubs'. Dh then got a little defensive and ended up saying that he won't be dictated to, and I cannot impose my morality on him. He did say that it wouldn't be in his plans but he wasn't morally against it and would go if someone else wanted to etc.

I said that in a marriage you have to respect the other person's moral stance and feelings to which he said if he asked me to stop eating meat would I (he's veggie).
I don't think it's really the same.

As background he doesn't show any interest sexually in me, hence me feeling especially shirty about lapdancing clubs.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/01/2012 09:52

You have no right to inflict your morals on your partner...he has to decide for himself whether it is ok or not to go.

I personally dont have a problem at all with lap dancing clubs and would have no issues with DH if he wanted to go to one (not that he does). He last went to one on his stag do years and years ago....I booked it for him.

You need to sort your sex life out - that seems to be the issue here!

Hullygully · 20/01/2012 09:55

You should say: "Oh, you want to go to a lapdancing club? That's nice. Don't forget your suitcase YOU TOTAL SHITBAG."

JockTamsonsBairns · 20/01/2012 10:10

I don't understand this business about 'not imposing your morals' and 'shouldn't be able to control a man's behaviour unless it's illegal'. Does that extend to infidelity then? I'd really rather my DH didn't have an affair for example, but it's not illegal for him to do so. Am I controlling him by laying this down as a deal-breaker?

LD clubs are truly awful and yes, it would be a deal-breaker for me if my DH chose to go to one. I couldn't share my life with a man who willingly colluded with such exploitation of women.

As for Maypole's insistence that all men go to them - I don't even know where to start with that. Did you know that some men are feminists too?

foglike · 20/01/2012 10:16

Nobody was talking about infidelity.

No adult should impose their morals on another it's a simple code in life everyone should observe.

Your OH is not a possession he/she is a person.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/01/2012 10:19

I dont get all this "deal breaker" shit, I really dont!! Christ, no wonder divorce rates are so high, there seem to be an awful lot of things on MN that are deemed as "deal breakers".

When I married DH I seem to remember it was for better or worse, I dont see that as making a "deal" with him..........and as fog says, he certainly isnt my possession, he is a grown man (well, most of the time:) ) with a mind of his own.

Jackin · 20/01/2012 10:30

I saw a live sex show in amsterdam on my brothers stag do. I was bored.
It was oh yeah there are two people on stage having sex.....really can't be arsed boooorrrrring sex. I really don't see the attraction.
OP you are trying to impose your will on your dp, BUT he should see it would upset you and not go.
Deal breaker, I don't think so but it's not cool and would contribute.

WorraLiberty · 20/01/2012 10:33

I do often wonder if those who site the only reason they don't like these places are because they assume without checking, that the women are being exploited...always check every garment of clothing they buy to make sure it hasn't been made by exploited adults and children?

Do they buy fair trade tea/fruit/chocolate etc?

Why is it so rare to read a post on MN saying "Actually, I don't want him to go because I'm jealous of the way these women look and I don't like the idea of him getting turned on by them"?

I'm not saying everyone is jealous for a second, but it does seem the "exploited" line is always the reason...even though the OP will mostly have absolutely no idea about that.

marblerye · 20/01/2012 10:38

"I don't understand this business about 'not imposing your morals' and 'shouldn't be able to control a man's behaviour unless it's illegal'. Does that extend to infidelity then? I'd really rather my DH didn't have an affair for example, but it's not illegal for him to do so. Am I controlling him by laying this down as a deal-breaker?"

What I mean is you can't make someone believe what they don't believe, you can't force someone to value your judgement above your own but you can tell them that x,y and z are unacceptable to you and you will not be in a relationship with someone who has that moral stance. Its the difference between 'I won't let you' and 'I won't tolerate it'. I wouldn't tolerate an affair but its not something I am capable of stopping another adult from doing. I want DH to not have an affair because he doesn't want to and because he values our relationship, not because I have told him he is not allowed.

foglike · 20/01/2012 10:42

marblerye that's a personal choice though and like the other half you can use your choice.

I can imagine over the course of a very long relationship that many moral conundrums come up but by imposing your own moral code (With a threat to leave a relationship where children may be involved) that could amount to emotional blackmail and control issues.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/01/2012 10:49

Thats very controlling though isnt it marblerye.......if my DH doesnt "tolerate* say me going out to my pole fitness classes twice a week should I not go then.........because he doesnt want me to and I value our relationship? How about I dont want him to go out with his mate.....should he not go? I couldn't be in a relationship like that to be honest. I love my DH, respect him and certainly value our relationship BUT at the end of the day I am my own person and I wont be dictated to about where I can and cant go!

marblerye · 20/01/2012 10:52

I don't think that many moral conundrums do come up. I don't think its emotional blackmail to choose not to be in a relationship where the other partner is shagging someone else. Monogamy, or an expectation of it, is fairly conventional in our society. Things like strip clubs are a much greyer area but usually before you know someone well enough to have children with them then you would have a pretty good idea if you were on the same page or not. People have different things that they are prepared to put up with and things that they won't. I emotionally blackmailed DH into giving up smoking by refusing to go out with him if he stank but he could have decide to go out with another girl who wasn't arsed, I didn't have a gun to his head and he was a teenager at the time with plenty of options.

JockTamsonsBairns · 20/01/2012 10:53

Marblerye - yes, I absolutely agree with that. I'd never disallow DH from going to a LD club. In fact, I wouldn't disallow him from doing anything - as other posters have rightly said, he's a grown man and responsible for himself only. If he chose to go, I'd see him in a different light, and I wouldn't be able to reconcile this with the man I thought I'd married.

Original poster
whomovedmyblackberry · 20/01/2012 10:56

Quietninja has hit the nail on the head. I don't want to impose my morality on him. I want him to take account of my view. I just find it inappropriate to have some naked woman rubbing herself over him or waving her tits and arse or more, inches from his face. It's disrespectful to me and yucky. The ideal reaction from my point of view would be for him to say 'well they aren't something I'd particularly choose [which is what he said] and I appreciate that you don't like it so I won't go' and I would by the way accept that he might if it were a stag weekend (a little reluctantly but I would bite my tongue) not just an ordinary January Saturday night out.

And yes I do feel a little jealous that he might find them attractive when he doesn't find me attractive.

Nice idea Loopy but it just wouldn't work Sad.

I know we have bigger issues to sort out. Maybe if I felt really loved and fancied I wouldn't care so much (although I still think it's yucky).

This is all a little hypothetical as I have no idea that they plan to actually go to one of these places but it's a possibility knowing the other guys track record. Otherwise they will be in some swanky bar full of 20somethings probably sticking out like sore thumbs for being 40 somethings Grin

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 20/01/2012 11:02

Sad for you. I was in a sexless marriage for years (his choice) Turns out there was more to it than met the eye so to speak. I'm now with a dp who adores me in all ways but must admit I did used to wonder what was wrong with me?? It's so lonely isn't it?

I hope you get your relationship sorted out. As for lap dancing clubs they are rather vile.

marblerye · 20/01/2012 11:05

Yes it is very controlling which s why its best to have a lot in common with your DP. Most people don't have an enormous list of things they won't put up with and if they do they would likely never find anyone to have a long term relationship with.

Most people are conventional about what they will and will not tolerate as it is largely dictated by society. It simply doesn't happen that one partner tells the other that they aren't allowed out and everyone says' yes, thats reasonable.' but it does happen over sexual morality and fidelity because the boundaries are much more blurred. I don't think I know anyone in RL who would split up over a one off strip club visit but I think I know a few who would split up over their DH going to strip clubs frequently and I know many who would split up over an affair.

WorraLiberty · 20/01/2012 11:07

You don't have to order a lap dance in these places though.

You're quite free to enjoy the over inflated bar prices and act as you would in any other club or pub.

BuenTiempo · 20/01/2012 11:13

if he wants to go, thats his choice, he isnt asking you to go as well (as far as i know). If you wanted to go to a Funky Fireman show, i am sure you would be peed off if he threw a wobbly.

the fact that he is daft enough to pay to watch some daft woman jiggling about in front of him is another issue lol

BuenTiempo · 20/01/2012 11:17

If your view is based on one visit to a Cornwall strip club and seeing the Dreamboys then I think I can safely ignore

but your view is based on knowing someone who once may have worked there isnt it LOL, so you arent exactly an authority either

QuietNinjaLamp · 20/01/2012 11:21

Ii fully admit my main reason for not wanting dh to go to a
Ld club is cos I don't want some naked woman rubbing herself on my dh. I do see it as akin to cheating. As I said I wouldn't want a girl in a club to do it so how does paying for it suddenly make it ok?
However, I have never stopped him going (mainly if it's a stag do which is rare) I have asked out of respect for me not to have a lapdance if he does go. He as far as I know not had one since we discussed this.
I did turn it back in him and say would he want a hunky naked man rubbing himself all over me and he did say he wouldn't like it much and could see my point.
I do think your dp sounds like a nobber op and you both need to sit down for a Frank chat about your relationship really.

QuietNinjaLamp · 20/01/2012 11:23

It's not just jiggling about in front of them though is it?

Original poster
whomovedmyblackberry · 20/01/2012 11:25

YY that's exactly it, and it's been said on LD threads on here many times before. Why is it okay to have a naked woman behaving like that in a LD club but it would not be okay in a nightclub?

Btw I don't think it's a dealbreaker in itself either and have not said that in the OP or thread anywhere.

OP posts:
IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 20/01/2012 11:28

Worras post at 10.33 is a good one.

I was also going to make the point that mean don't have to have a lap dance just because they are in the type of club where it's available. Many of them don't.

Violet5 · 20/01/2012 11:40

I've read lots of 'he's not a possesion, you can't impose your morality on him etc' comments.
All of which are right of course, but if he loves you and respects you, and you knows you would be hurt by him going to such a place would he not take that in to account at least.
To me being married is caring about the other person's thoughts and feelings, if i just went about doing as i pleased i don't think i'd be a very nice person for my husband to be married to and vice versa.
Reading these threads make me see how old fashioned i am, they are clearly no place for me !
I don't blame you for not liking the idea of him going to such a place, not one bit but then i won't go in to my views about the whole sorry sex industry, thats just not for me either Smile.

LeBOF · 20/01/2012 13:00

It's not about having a lapdance though. It's about whether you thought you'd married the kind of guy who sees no problem with paying to see women sexually objectified.

I reject the logic that says 'oh but I bet these women who moan about the sex trade don't buy fair trade' too: I don't know anybody with any ethics that buys stuff imprinted with "Made In Bangladesh By Child Slaves", and going into a lapdancing bar is similarly unambiguous. You know what it's about, no question. If you go in there, you clearly don't see it as problematic. Lots of people don't. I wouldn't marry any of them though.

foglike · 20/01/2012 13:05

Dh is going out with an old friend who has a 'reputation', on Saturday night.

It's all there in one sentence.

Her DH's "Old friend".

And the mention of a "Bad reputation".

This is all about control make no mistake.

The devil's in the detail.