...to think that this is just rubbish? (MIL and babysitting one)

[lazymonkeyface]

This is my first AIBU, so please be kind :-)

My son, Ethan, is 4 months old. I've got PND and he's going through a teething/not sleeping at night phase. My MIL and SFIL asked if i wanted to go visit an elderly relative of theirs today. My husband was off work so he was going to go too. Due a seriously awful night with Ethan, we asked if they would take Ethan for the day with them. They agreed and picked him up at 10:30.

I'm trying not to drip feed, but they are lovely people usually. I went to visit my family who live abroad over Christmas with my son. Husband couldn't come as he was working. The whole time we were away they kept telling DH that they really missed Ethan, "so much so it hurts". They must have really ticked DH off (usually he's really laid back) because he snapped that i wasn't just an incubator and he's sick of the comments saying how much Ethan was missed but not me. SFIL also made comments to everyone that Ethan in his elf outfit was child abuse. This is even though he knows i was a victim of Child Abuse.

Anyway. When they arrived i was getting a shower. DH told them that Ethan had two bottles, veg and fruit puree and that there was no rush to come back early "but come back when you're done visiting" He told them that Ethan HAS to eat his veg before any fruit when they are feeding him. They agreed.

Fast forward to 3:30. I get a text saying they were leaving the relatives house and were "just calling in at Morrisons" and would bring him back after that. Was that ok? As the relative lives 15 mins from Morrisons which is 5 mins from ours we agreed and put off going food shopping. (maybe TMI, but we would have gone earlier, but we napped and then had sex).

They arrived back in the house at 5pm!! When i said he looked shattered They told me he's only had a 45 min nap all day. I told them he needs a nap every 90 mins. They acted suprised. They know this because they think i'm hardcore making him nap either every 90 mins or when he yawns twice. They have constantly told me this is silly. They also said whenever they cried they gave him a bottle.

So i suck it up and get him ready for bed. He giggles at me for the first time! As i called out to DH to tell him, they then say "oh, he's been doing that all day" all smug!!! WHO DOES THAT?!

So i'm upset. DH goes shopping himself and i put Ethan to bed. Ethan is crying because he's so tired and wont be cuddled or have me around him. So i have to leave him (i've tried everything else so please don't judge) and keep gping back in 5 mins.

I unpack his nappy bag and he's had 3 bottles (well two made up and a carton) and no veg, but his fruit is completely empty.They've not even opened the veg jar.

So to round up, they haven't let him nap, were so much longer than we thought, and have disregarded my veg first rules. AIBU to think that this is rubbish and isn't right? I'm trying not to be all PFB, but i'm just ticked. He was supposed to be staying over there the day after my birthday but AIBU to cancel this because i don't know if they'll follow his routine?

and breathe

God, some people on here are horrible!
You are being a bit pfb OP but you're allowed. You'll learn to relax and realise these things won't kill him :) I suffered terribly with pfb, I insisted on writing a list of what needed to be done and when whenever ds went to stop at MILs. She was very accommodating luckily, but I cringe looking back at it!

Ignore the horrible comments and just do whatever feels best for you and Ethan. You sound like a lovely mummy :)

Do you realise quite which other pictures are visible from that Flickr link?

Extremely well said OP.
Onwards and upwards. Your in laws are clearly besotted. Just cut them some slack.

He is absolutely edible

Well, i do now! Whoops! At least you know it's my baby I guess, and i've not just made the whole thing up. Am making the necessary changes now

Also don't worry about using a routine. A lot of people on here don't like it but that's their problem. I used the gina ford routine with ds and I still stick by how good it is. Ds is 19 months now and is very happy and contented, never has a problem getting himself off to sleep. If it works for you and your DH then that's all that matters.

We have a routine which works for us and I am a good mom

great, fab, lovely. Stop minnying on then. You asked for opinions, you got opinions. The fact that some people think you are a bit peculiar is neither here nor there. You are happy, kid is happy.

He is cute. I think if other people have your kids you have to accept they will see some "firsts" but that this doesn't matter. All kids eventually learn to walk, talk, giggle etc. Being the first person to see them do it doesn't really matter, you'll still be the person who sees them do it most.
I never expected my childminder or exhusband to pretend my kids hadn't done something when with them just to boost my ego. I can understand the smug expression was irritating but "smug" and "proud granny" are probably similar expressions.

He's gorgeous. What a sweet face. And the outfit looks lovely.

I think your SFIL's comment about that outfit was as useful and constructive as a chocolate teapot. Your son certainly doesn't look uncomfortable!

Hi lazymonkeyace, if it makes you feel any better, the same thing happened with my first AIBU. I wanted genuine opinions on one thing and it quickly descended into nasty nasty judgy comments on all sorts of aspects of my life which weren't even hinted at in the original post. That's AIBU for you!

Anyway, you sound like a lovely lady trying to do the best for your son and, reading back through this thread, that's the general consensus from all the reasoned responses. I hope that's what you take away from this.

Also, I can completely relate- I too have PND and a little boy of 13 weeks. I'm all over the place and completely in awe that you've managed any kind of routine- that's good going in my book. I know how awful PND can make you feel and it seems as if the whole world has gone horribly horribly wrong and , what's more, you chose to do this to yourself. Lots of conflicting feelings about knowing how lovely your baby is but just hating the situation and relentlessness of it all. I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that you are definitely not alone.

(I know we can't take over care of babies and let you get some sleep or clean the house for you, but MNetters can also be very supportive if you stick it out and sift through the tsunami of replies). Have some from me. If you ever need to chat, feel free to PM me.

Don't mind the nastiness OP. You are doing great. He is gorgeous. DS2 had the same outfit for Xmas. He is almost 4 months as well. Keep doing what's right for you. Enjoy your gorgeous little boy.

The thing about the Elf costume Is that babies in seasonal dress up are like Marmite. You either think they are adorable or that the child looks stupid. Your FIL comment was extremely badly put.
I'm not a fan so I didn't dress up my own, what others do, up to them.

I think maybe you're a tired new mum who obviously cares about her son and is a bit stressed out. You prob do need that glass of wine to help you chill out a bit though, maybe take a deep breath and give the in-laws the benefit of the doubt. I'd love to have some time to myself!!

One point I would make is that you shouldn't feel you need to justify every aspect of your parenting approach to some of the more aggressive posts here, just take the constructive comments and put them into the mix. I really don't understand why some people feel the need to be so judgemental and sarcastic (often without the full info)...

YABU

However when dd (pfb) was 4 months old and I was struggling with undiagnosed PND I would have had exactly the same reaction.

Nap times were sacred, weaning was a military operation with amounts of food and having it beofer milk etc controlled.

You sound like a normal, run down 1st tie mum.

Give yourself a break, take a deep breath and remember you had a day to yourself.

He's a very cute and contented looking little boy. But do cut the grandparents a bit of slack because they clearly want to be involved and helpful. When you have your first baby, precise and inflexible routines can seem more important than anything - veg coming before fruit is a classic example since actually, it's all going to end up in the same place and both are as nutritionally valuable at as tiny as 4 months.

As your child gets a little older you can often laugh at your more pfb moments and by the time your second child comes along, you are positively laissez-faire about things that would have caused conniptions with dc1.

I'm afraid there will always be "firsts" that get missed. I am still delighted (and feel very privileged) that dgd took her first ever steps towards me. But then I didn't hear her first giggle or her first words. Or see her sit up unaided for the first time, for that matter. Those milestones were witnessed by her parents. But we don't get competitive about things that can't be altered, instead, we watch, with wonder, the joy of her growing up.

As 2rebecca says, you'll be the person who sees your son most. But don't make loving grandparents feel guilty if they are lucky enough to occasionally see a "first". It would be wrong and creepy if they felt they could admit to witnessing a giggle, say.

As for the elf outfit, that's your choice. I wouldn't go as far as saying (even jokingly) that this was abuse but I'd have privately laughed. So I think that you may need to grow a slightly thicker skin if you do plan to trick your ds out in the sort of costume that is guaranteed to get mixed responses. Cute as he is!

Oh OP, I have no idea about your routine and weaning, (and frankly I'm not too bothered). At least you came to the realisation that maybe your just not ready to have him away for long periods of time just yet, and I completely support that decision.

Just don't bite the hand that feeds you Re: in-laws as once you are ready to have him minded, it can be a godsend.

...I didn't realise when i posted asking if i was being unreasonable, instead of people just saying "yes" i'd have to justify to strangers the way I parent, or indeed that I was a real person.

Ha! I bet MIL and SIL's crimes seem harmless now don't they?

Ha ha yeah they do. :)

Christ, I can't believe the responses here after the OP admitted in the second line of her post that she was suffering from PND.

I sincerely hope I never suffer from PND and come on here looking for help. And that is only directed at the bitches who were so catty to the OP, not all of the people who were genuine and lovely.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at that photo (in a good way)

He is seriously beautiful, isn't he?

If it makes you feel any better I dressed DS1 up as a Christmas pudding on his first Christmas at 3months old.

You've had an undeservedly rough time here OP. Re the weaning thing, I looked at research into when to introduce certain foods because allergies run in my family. What I found indicated that babies should have no solid food before 17 weeks (four months) and should be started on it by six months. There was no detrimental effect found in babies weaned at the beginning of this window as opposed to the end. We are doing BLW with DS and I think his first taste was at 23 weeks as he was able to sit unaided, pick up a piece of cooked carrot and get it into his mouth all on his own. I remember reading that babies with reflux are often recommended to be started on fruit and vegetables (puréed if necessary I suppose) closer to the 17 week mark.

And nap-wise, DS at 9 months now has only recently been able to stay awake longer than 90 mins and always had to be helped to sleep. General advice is to put baby down when you see sleep cues inc yawning and eye rubbing.

So as far as I'm concerned OP what you're doing seems fine. Ok jars are not as good as homemade food but we all need to make life a bit easier from time to time.

If I had let anyone else look after DS so far, which I haven't as I also have PND and am supremely anxious about him when I can't see him, they would no doubt have done something to incur my wrath! ILs definitely would, they manage it when we're all in the same room.