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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that this is just rubbish? (MIL and babysitting one)

198 replies

lazymonkeyface · 17/01/2012 17:44

This is my first AIBU, so please be kind :-)

My son, Ethan, is 4 months old. I've got PND and he's going through a teething/not sleeping at night phase. My MIL and SFIL asked if i wanted to go visit an elderly relative of theirs today. My husband was off work so he was going to go too. Due a seriously awful night with Ethan, we asked if they would take Ethan for the day with them. They agreed and picked him up at 10:30.

I'm trying not to drip feed, but they are lovely people usually. I went to visit my family who live abroad over Christmas with my son. Husband couldn't come as he was working. The whole time we were away they kept telling DH that they really missed Ethan, "so much so it hurts". They must have really ticked DH off (usually he's really laid back) because he snapped that i wasn't just an incubator and he's sick of the comments saying how much Ethan was missed but not me. SFIL also made comments to everyone that Ethan in his elf outfit was child abuse. This is even though he knows i was a victim of Child Abuse.

Anyway. When they arrived i was getting a shower. DH told them that Ethan had two bottles, veg and fruit puree and that there was no rush to come back early "but come back when you're done visiting" He told them that Ethan HAS to eat his veg before any fruit when they are feeding him. They agreed.

Fast forward to 3:30. I get a text saying they were leaving the relatives house and were "just calling in at Morrisons" and would bring him back after that. Was that ok? As the relative lives 15 mins from Morrisons which is 5 mins from ours we agreed and put off going food shopping. (maybe TMI, but we would have gone earlier, but we napped and then had sex).

They arrived back in the house at 5pm!! When i said he looked shattered They told me he's only had a 45 min nap all day. I told them he needs a nap every 90 mins. They acted suprised. They know this because they think i'm hardcore making him nap either every 90 mins or when he yawns twice. They have constantly told me this is silly. They also said whenever they cried they gave him a bottle.

So i suck it up and get him ready for bed. He giggles at me for the first time! As i called out to DH to tell him, they then say "oh, he's been doing that all day" all smug!!! WHO DOES THAT?!

So i'm upset. DH goes shopping himself and i put Ethan to bed. Ethan is crying because he's so tired and wont be cuddled or have me around him. So i have to leave him (i've tried everything else so please don't judge) and keep gping back in 5 mins.

I unpack his nappy bag and he's had 3 bottles (well two made up and a carton) and no veg, but his fruit is completely empty.They've not even opened the veg jar.

So to round up, they haven't let him nap, were so much longer than we thought, and have disregarded my veg first rules. AIBU to think that this is rubbish and isn't right? I'm trying not to be all PFB, but i'm just ticked. He was supposed to be staying over there the day after my birthday but AIBU to cancel this because i don't know if they'll follow his routine?

and breathe

OP posts:
BlueFergie · 17/01/2012 21:03

God I can't believe that there are posters calling a woman, who has admitted she is suffering from PND, batshit crazy and unhinged. Very supportive, I am sure she feels great about herself now Hmm.
OP YABU but you know that now. Generally if GPs etc are minding your baby for the day they won't do things exactly as you will. They will want to enjoy their grandchild and not waste their time with the boring stuff like making him eat his veg and take naps. You either accept that as the price you pay for a free day or don't let them mind again. It's up to you. Re early weaning...ignore the posters giving you grief. I dont wean til 6 months myself but if a HCP advised it i would listen to them a lot sooner than some randomers off the internet?

MirandaGoshawk · 17/01/2012 21:04

Hi OP, You sound like a lovely mum who has got her baby's needs/routine 'sussed' (well done - not sure I ever did!) and naturally expects someone looking after him to follow that routine. But for some reason or other they weren't able to, and I'm not surprised you're not happy. But best to let it go - they managed, and no harm was done.

SecretMinceRinser · 17/01/2012 21:06

In the nicest possible way op I think YABU and you will look back in a couple of years and agree. Though I'm certain I was a lot more unreasonable after my first when I had pnd.
Wishing you a speedy recovery.

ReindeerBollocks · 17/01/2012 21:09

What the actual fuck Hmm. ILs love and adore baby, and take baby out for the day (and spoil it rotten) baby is presumably well cared for and fed/clean /not neglected.

Yet despite your child free day and kind ILs you want to moan/complain/whine that they didn't do it your way! Your way sounds extreme and something only a mum would do, they have taken good care of your baby and given you a break. Be careful what you wish for OP, because if you annoy them they might never offer to have your child again.

Then you really will be sorry. and yes you are incredibly PFB

Scheherezade · 17/01/2012 21:10

I have pnd and have spent 6 weeks in a mother and baby psychiatric ward. It stems from wanting the absolute best for my baby, and everything I do is to encourage the absolute healthiest life for him. If any hcp told me to give my 16 week baby adult food I'd refuse to ever see them again, and probably report them. OP, I recommend you read the MN guide to weaning.

ReindeerBollocks · 17/01/2012 21:11

Ah just saw you had PND.

Please for the love of all things MNetty, don't confront your ILs and don't reefs to let them have baby again.

It will all make sense in time. Use the time to spoil yourself - it will do you wonders.

ReindeerBollocks · 17/01/2012 21:11

Don't refuse.

dawntigga · 17/01/2012 21:18

If it helps you cheered me up no end, have a bath and some chocolate and start fresh tomorrow.

GoingToBedHerselfTiggaxx

SecretMinceRinser · 17/01/2012 21:18

For anyone who hasn't had pnd little things like this really matter when you are depressed/anxious.

OP I think you will have to get used to the gps not doing things your way if they are looking after your ds. They may be unwilling to follow your instruction to the letter because they think they know better/it isn't important or they might be unable to. You are going to be better at getting him to sleep/eat his veg as his mum after all.
You will just have to weigh up whether the stress of getting a slightly tired and grumpy baby back is worth the free time it gives you.

And fwiw I think you were right to follow the advice of your paed re weaning and I weaned mine at 6 months.

wifey6 · 17/01/2012 21:26

OP...I can relate to you as I suffered seperation anxiety when my DS was little (still do to be honest...just not as bad). I built up in my head how I wanted to be as a mummy...but I never seemed to match up. I was very ill after my DS was born & that contributed greatly. I was very lucky to have support...my mum was/is amazing & helped me ease in to letting others help. No on will do things as good as mummy..but sometimes people do things differently. That doesn't necessarily mean its wrong. PND can not be easy...but try & see that even if you or others are not perfect...as long as your DS is cared for..that's what counts. Smile

AnyFucker · 17/01/2012 21:29

kitty you got some very supportive replies on your thread

did you miss those ?

suburbophobe · 17/01/2012 21:29

No way I would let my 4 month old out for a day!

And if you do, you have to put up with their arrangements.

he's had 3 bottles (well two made up and a carton) and no veg,

A carton of what?! Milk?! And veg? Fresh cooked and pureed?

Mine only got started on solids at 4 months, no cartons of anything and only mashed bananas to start with....

Original poster
lazymonkeyface · 17/01/2012 21:35

Sorry - A carton extra of milk.

He had two jars (veg and fruit) because he was going out. He does each home cooked food at home too, it's just convenient when out and about to use the jars.

OP posts:
Annpan88 · 17/01/2012 21:41

I think we all agree that we all have differnt parenting styles.

A lot of us don't agree with with OPs parenting choices in the same respect that a lot of people wouldn't agree with mine or yours

OP was a bit pfb, probably heightened by her PND

I think the problem with Mums net at the moment is the troll hunting. I would personally give some help/advice to a troll then act like a twat to a person who wants some help

And I'm all for honest advice in AIBU but not ?if they didn't want people being really really horrible for no bloody reason other reason than having a stick up they're arse honest then they shouldn't of posted here?.

wifey6 · 17/01/2012 21:44

What does pfb mean please? Blush

naturalbaby · 17/01/2012 21:46

the milk/fruit/veg aren't really the issue though. the baby was fed, changed, entertained, safe.

squeakytoy · 17/01/2012 21:48

If any hcp told me to give my 16 week baby adult food I'd refuse to ever see them again, and probably report them. OP, I recommend you read the MN guide to weaning

wtf??? Mumsnet is a forum website.... I would rather listen to a professional medical expert than ignore their advice for something on a chat website.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 17/01/2012 21:59

I wonder if you're really ready for your DS to be away from you all day or over night? I wasn't ready until DD was nearly a year old. My PIL are lovely but MIL has some food issues and they weren't really sure about us doing baby led weaning (they were a bit flummoxed that they couldn't put baby rice in her bottle as she was BF!!).

I just realised that when DD was little (under a year) we were trying to do the right thing and getting her napping etc, that it just was too stressful for me if she was away all day. No shame in that, it just wasn't worth it for me. PIL were (and are) really involved with DD but in those early days they had her for an hour or so or we'd see them as a family.

DD is nearly 2.5yrs now and she has a brilliant relationship with the PIL. They have her overnight every week (we're very lucky) and she's even been on holiday with them. DD is very sociable and not being away from us for a full day when she was a baby, hasn't harmed her at all :)

In fact, by not having arguments with PIL over the baby things, we have a great relationship too. Now DD is older we only have a couple of things we're particular about (too much sugar as it makes DD ill and not nursing her to sleep!), both have an impact on our life when DD comes home.

Maybe you're just not ready. It seems a shame to fall out with your family over something you don't need to do. Why not leave it a bit and see how you feel then?

LapsedPacifist · 17/01/2012 22:11

Jeez, the nutters have crawled out of the woodwork today. How the hell do you imagine our babies who were born 15+ years ago actually survived infancy, far less grew into strapping 6ft teenagers?

We weaned at 4 months. They were sometimes fed from jars, and sometimes given cartons of formula as well FFS. This was all done according to the standard medical advice of the day. Our kids actually had fewer allergies back then and were less likely to be obese. Go figure. Does this make us older mums trolls?

OP - don't stress about the routine - you will learn that it really doesn't matter in the long run - just be grateful you have childcare. And ignore all the other rubbish.

OriginalJamie · 17/01/2012 22:15

Lapsed - yes. I don't know how mine have survived ......

MsVestibule · 17/01/2012 22:23

Bloody hell, I'm glad I didn't know about Mumsnet when my PFB was 4 months old. I was very similar to you with regard to the sleeping routines and CC (fortunately without the PND - had to wait for DC2 to experience that joy) and would have been incredibly upset to have had my parenting choices criticised/vilified as much as you have.

When my DC were that age, I was insistent (rightly or wrongly) that my routine was followed to the letter. Having said that, they do sound like loving GPs, and I honestly think you're just going to have to suck it up on the odd occasion that they take him out, and deal with any fallout. As others have said, one day out of his routine won't do him any harm.

makingitin2012 · 17/01/2012 22:55

Have I missed a punchline?

makingitin2012 · 17/01/2012 23:00

Sorry OP, I read again and didn't mean to make light of your PND, sorry.

YuleingFanjo · 17/01/2012 23:06

blimey, I read the op and thought to myself... 'I hope people have taken note about the PND and don't get all 'you're weaning him already!' on her arse'

wishful thinking.

LeBOF · 17/01/2012 23:29

Jeez, I'm glad I wasn't on mumsnet when I had my two- they were basically dragged up by some people's standards. I wouldn't go back there for bobbins- babies can feel relentless.

I agree with the posters who advise biting your inlaws' hands off if they offer to give you a break. It makes all the difference when you have PND especially if you get a shag and a snooze.