...to think that this is just rubbish? (MIL and babysitting one)

[lazymonkeyface]

This is my first AIBU, so please be kind :-)

My son, Ethan, is 4 months old. I've got PND and he's going through a teething/not sleeping at night phase. My MIL and SFIL asked if i wanted to go visit an elderly relative of theirs today. My husband was off work so he was going to go too. Due a seriously awful night with Ethan, we asked if they would take Ethan for the day with them. They agreed and picked him up at 10:30.

I'm trying not to drip feed, but they are lovely people usually. I went to visit my family who live abroad over Christmas with my son. Husband couldn't come as he was working. The whole time we were away they kept telling DH that they really missed Ethan, "so much so it hurts". They must have really ticked DH off (usually he's really laid back) because he snapped that i wasn't just an incubator and he's sick of the comments saying how much Ethan was missed but not me. SFIL also made comments to everyone that Ethan in his elf outfit was child abuse. This is even though he knows i was a victim of Child Abuse.

Anyway. When they arrived i was getting a shower. DH told them that Ethan had two bottles, veg and fruit puree and that there was no rush to come back early "but come back when you're done visiting" He told them that Ethan HAS to eat his veg before any fruit when they are feeding him. They agreed.

Fast forward to 3:30. I get a text saying they were leaving the relatives house and were "just calling in at Morrisons" and would bring him back after that. Was that ok? As the relative lives 15 mins from Morrisons which is 5 mins from ours we agreed and put off going food shopping. (maybe TMI, but we would have gone earlier, but we napped and then had sex).

They arrived back in the house at 5pm!! When i said he looked shattered They told me he's only had a 45 min nap all day. I told them he needs a nap every 90 mins. They acted suprised. They know this because they think i'm hardcore making him nap either every 90 mins or when he yawns twice. They have constantly told me this is silly. They also said whenever they cried they gave him a bottle.

So i suck it up and get him ready for bed. He giggles at me for the first time! As i called out to DH to tell him, they then say "oh, he's been doing that all day" all smug!!! WHO DOES THAT?!

So i'm upset. DH goes shopping himself and i put Ethan to bed. Ethan is crying because he's so tired and wont be cuddled or have me around him. So i have to leave him (i've tried everything else so please don't judge) and keep gping back in 5 mins.

I unpack his nappy bag and he's had 3 bottles (well two made up and a carton) and no veg, but his fruit is completely empty.They've not even opened the veg jar.

So to round up, they haven't let him nap, were so much longer than we thought, and have disregarded my veg first rules. AIBU to think that this is rubbish and isn't right? I'm trying not to be all PFB, but i'm just ticked. He was supposed to be staying over there the day after my birthday but AIBU to cancel this because i don't know if they'll follow his routine?

and breathe

Well spike i'm really pleased for you. I've not been worried about his giggling, you could tell he was laughing, just not making any sound while doing it ifswim.

It's obvious from your comments you have no actual help/advice/general nice-ness to offer me. Instead you seem pretty keen on just knocking all of my parenting choices. Thanks for that. Please, instead of just posting catty things, don't.

Thanks for the link. I will comfort myself knowing that other people have also been pfb

OP, This is just my opinion, but if I wasn't happy with the way my IL's looked after my baby, I wouldn't let them have him for the day. If it makes you feel better to look after him yourself, because you know he will be looked after in a particular way, then it seems an easy problem to solve. Don't let your IL's look after him.

I am past the baby stage now, but 5 or 6 naps in a day and 12 hours of sleep a night (until the teething problems obviously) sounds like bliss imo. Enjoy!! It wont be long before he will need longer naps but less frequently during the day, so enjoy them while you can.

I was always under the impression that it is impossible very very difficult to stop a tired baby from sleeping or make a baby who is not tired sleep, so on that basis, I am inclined to believe perhaps your DS didn't need more than a 45 minute nap when your IL's looked after him.

Do you really need your IL's to look after your DS if you are unhappy with the way they look after him?

Spike cause he's always asleep only joking op. I used to do the same with dd.

Do think though you need to lighten up, gp are there to spoils kids, your ds will know the way it goes with you and the way it goes with them. Wait till you find tge empty choc buttons wrapper in his bag

I think some of you are being way too harsh on the OP. She's said she has PND - honestly it's like some of you seen someone who's vulnerable and stick the knife in with such relish.

My mum always used to do the 'oh hasn't he done that for you yet' thing all the time. It was very irritating, it's insinuating the baby likes them more than you.

Personally wouldn't wean so early but she did it on advice and we were all weaned at 4 months in the 70s.

She is not using cry-it-out, she's going in and checking on the baby. Again at 4 months I wouldn't do that - CC is not recommended before 6 months at the very earliest - but it's not as bad as CIO.

Erm, what else? It's worrying when they say they're just popping to the shops and then returning the baby - and then not turning up for another hour and a half.

The inlaws going on about how much they miss the baby over Christmas was a guilt trip on the DH and judgemental about the OP taking the baby abroad and not staying with them.

Overtired babies don't sleep well so if the inlaws let it get overtired in the day it kind of defeats the purpose of giving the OP a break as she'll have another hellish night.

OP - at 4 months they really don't need a set routine. Just let him fall asleep when he wants to. All that reading the cues thing and yawning is a bit hard work and not particularly accurate. My advice is wait until 6 months and then try and do three naps a day.

Don't worry too much. It gets a lot easier.

Well my son didn't giggle until about 6 months so I guess they're all different. OP ignore the mean things people are saying. You're obviously a loving Mum and as far as I know it is not a crime to be a bit PFB.

OP - this is 'Am I Being Unreasonable'. Some people think you are. That is all.

And I am offering a genuine opinion OP, not trying to be catty.

So naps every 90 minutes, napping for 30-60 minutes. So in the 30-60 minutes awake time he has enough time for 2 jars, bottle, laughing and giggling, nappy change etc and to show signs of tiredness?

While I don't agree with your parenting choices, I do think you have to do whatever makes you and your child happy. So I won't comment on that. But I think your routine while it works for you, would be near impossible for anyone else, even with the best intentions, to impliment.

Your family probably realised this and decided to go with a more realistic routine for DS.

I agree with Bearcrumble.

OP - I had PND and did the GF routine thing. It helped me a lot, especially to begin with. If it's working for you, then carry on (ignore them). But, it isn't the LAW. Nothing bad will happen if things go awry one day.

I sort of agree that either you'll have to let go a bit if you want people to look after him (although, bless her, my mum used to follow my routines to a tee, even though I'm pretty sure she didn't agree), or not have people look after him for long periods.

I think you are being unreasonable and pfb. I had pnd and relied heavily on my mum. I had to accept that when she was looking after ds she may do things slightly differently.
She always struggled to get ds to sleep so he was often tired when I picked him up but that was the consequence of me having time to myself. You can't have it both ways.

i think naps every 90mins is abit much,no wonder he doesnt sleep much in the night,maybe start making it a bit longer between naps,just make sure they know he was rotten for going to sleep after they had him ;)

Wierd wierd thread this one.

You do sound a little bit off your rocker but I think we all had a bit of PFB in us. The Gp sound great to me!

It's also wierd that someone so PBF gives a four month old jars of baby food. PFB mums are supposed to do nothing but homemade organic stuff. It's just all wrong otherwise.

Crikey, my DM near knocks me over in the rush to get to DS when we visit. I might as well be invisible. But not only does it show me how much she loves him it also gives me the chance to make myself a cup of tea.

Gran and Grandad also give DS chocolate buttons but hey, they're his grandparents and if they can't spoil him then who can?

I'm rather envious of you OP, DS is 14 months old and has only just started sleeping through the night. I can count on one hand the number of times DH and I have had sex as we've either been too tired or not speaking.

Try to enjoy your son's babyhood and stop worrying so much. As others have said, don't worry too much about a routine and appreciate the fact you have someone willing to look after your DS. As long as he's fed, watered and changed, all he really needs at this stage is love by the bucketload.

hey back off people! she's not bloody "unhinged"!
for gods sake!
you are the mum... you choose what is right for your baby...
BUT, if you are lucky to have people offer to help you out and give you some time out... then, just relax things a bit....
even if it means that baby is a bit unsettled when they come back.. just be grateful that you've got help (we have none) - and it's early days with grandparents, they'll get better at it.
accept that no-one is as good as you are when it comes to looking after your lovely baby.. but, accept that people will do things differently, even though you might specify something different.
i suffered badly with pnd with my first baby around 4 months and i was quite irrational about things and...what with hormones, sleep deprevation, and a baby as company most days... baby does take over and you can become obsessed about their routine! we've all been there - especially with our first babies... you get MUCH more laid back with the more you have.
sounds like you've got it spot on and you're doing a great job... just, relax and bit and, as frustrating as i know it is, be more forgiving for breaks in baby's routine - it'll be good for them, and, especially for you...
best of luck with everything... and i think you're doing a great job.
xxx

bearcrumb I really don't
Think people read a Thread and think 'this OP has had PND, is therefore
Vulnerable so therefore I can beat her with a virtual stick'....

I think people see 'AIBU?'
And think 'yes that is canny unreasonable' and say so... Sometimes things like PnD means you can't see the
Woods for the trees so people cans say op is not bu when they think she is

if you want tocontrol every nap, bottle, meal and nappy change, OP, you are going to have to do them yourself.

If you want a free day to sleep and have sex, you have to let go of the reins and exoect that loving grandparents may do things differently to toy.

They have not harmed him, negkected him, or deviated too far from your frankly crazy rules, so Ithink you are BU,

I also have many, many more questions aout your parenting syle than your PILs.

Sara's list aove set alaem bells ringing cor me, too. I had no idea people actually went for the full detachment parent model.

I thought weaning started at 6 months?

OP, I was very like you when DS was a baby (he's 11 yo today BTW!). I was silently seething when MIL fed him ice-cream at 3 mo. At the time, weaning was recommended at 16 weeks old, but she insisted we start when he was only 8 weeks old! (didn't give in there!). So I didn't want my PFB DS near her!

Anyway, DS became an overactive toddler and a lot of hard work, and I had a tough two years when DD1 was born. But was I glad of my MIL! She loved his overactivity, and would mind him for one afternoon a week which gave me a much needed break! She would spend the whole time running around the garden with him playing ball, then he would sleep soundly for me that night. And while he rejected anything I tried to feed him, he ate everything for his GM.

So don't be hard on your PILs - I guarantee you will be glad of their help when your DS becomes a toddler!

Liverpool1981, it depends on what era your baby was born in!

Kayano

I think some people see AIBU and think "right, justification to let rip". A bit of sensitivity is sometimes needed, is all. There are ways of saying things, IMO.