...to think that this is just rubbish? (MIL and babysitting one)

[lazymonkeyface]

This is my first AIBU, so please be kind :-)

My son, Ethan, is 4 months old. I've got PND and he's going through a teething/not sleeping at night phase. My MIL and SFIL asked if i wanted to go visit an elderly relative of theirs today. My husband was off work so he was going to go too. Due a seriously awful night with Ethan, we asked if they would take Ethan for the day with them. They agreed and picked him up at 10:30.

I'm trying not to drip feed, but they are lovely people usually. I went to visit my family who live abroad over Christmas with my son. Husband couldn't come as he was working. The whole time we were away they kept telling DH that they really missed Ethan, "so much so it hurts". They must have really ticked DH off (usually he's really laid back) because he snapped that i wasn't just an incubator and he's sick of the comments saying how much Ethan was missed but not me. SFIL also made comments to everyone that Ethan in his elf outfit was child abuse. This is even though he knows i was a victim of Child Abuse.

Anyway. When they arrived i was getting a shower. DH told them that Ethan had two bottles, veg and fruit puree and that there was no rush to come back early "but come back when you're done visiting" He told them that Ethan HAS to eat his veg before any fruit when they are feeding him. They agreed.

Fast forward to 3:30. I get a text saying they were leaving the relatives house and were "just calling in at Morrisons" and would bring him back after that. Was that ok? As the relative lives 15 mins from Morrisons which is 5 mins from ours we agreed and put off going food shopping. (maybe TMI, but we would have gone earlier, but we napped and then had sex).

They arrived back in the house at 5pm!! When i said he looked shattered They told me he's only had a 45 min nap all day. I told them he needs a nap every 90 mins. They acted suprised. They know this because they think i'm hardcore making him nap either every 90 mins or when he yawns twice. They have constantly told me this is silly. They also said whenever they cried they gave him a bottle.

So i suck it up and get him ready for bed. He giggles at me for the first time! As i called out to DH to tell him, they then say "oh, he's been doing that all day" all smug!!! WHO DOES THAT?!

So i'm upset. DH goes shopping himself and i put Ethan to bed. Ethan is crying because he's so tired and wont be cuddled or have me around him. So i have to leave him (i've tried everything else so please don't judge) and keep gping back in 5 mins.

I unpack his nappy bag and he's had 3 bottles (well two made up and a carton) and no veg, but his fruit is completely empty.They've not even opened the veg jar.

So to round up, they haven't let him nap, were so much longer than we thought, and have disregarded my veg first rules. AIBU to think that this is rubbish and isn't right? I'm trying not to be all PFB, but i'm just ticked. He was supposed to be staying over there the day after my birthday but AIBU to cancel this because i don't know if they'll follow his routine?

and breathe

Only read page 1. I am of the as long as they keep them alive at 4 months its fine by me.

ps I would only let family I trust look after DS at 4 months.

Ds had first solids (mushed banana) at under 4 months and he's fine. Try to be nice to yourself and enjoy naps and sex .

OP, don't worry about it. I hated MIL looking after/babysitting dd as she did every single thing I or dh asked her not to do, and never did anything we did ask her to. I had to bit my tongue so many times! I really do sympathise with you.

However, dd is now 12 and none the worse for the changes in routine she had in her early life. In the end, particularly once dd was old enough to have conversations with, I would just tell her that different people do things in different ways. I tried to look on MIL's incredibly irritating behaviour in a different light: it would give dd experience of different ways of doing things, different beliefs, etc. Well, that was the best I could do, anyway. And I am pretty sure I was being PFBish for at least the first few months, probably a lot longer.

DD is fine. Your boy will be fine too.

Definitely being a tad PFB... but, I can completely understand where you are coming from and would have been equally pissed off about it.

Napping away from mummy is always going to be less regimented. I'm not strict on naps myself but I always insisted that a nap was had in a certain range. Got very irritated when OH took over main daytime shift when I went back to work but they worked it out.

Don't let it upset you that your ILs only miss your DS rather than you. My own parents only miss my DD rather than me. I put it down to me being the 3rd of 4 children.

Well said, LapsedPacifist!

Oh, you poor thing.PND aand on your first proper break, and then you missed a "first". No wonder everything's just mounting up for you.

Frankly, I feel stressed just reading about the nap schedule, though. It may suit your baby, but I would keel over from exhaustion! I would just panick so much about fitting everything in before the next nap.

Don't worry about the veg. He won't be nutritionally deprived from it. He really won't.

OP I was every bit as fanatical as you describe when my DS was 4 months and I didn't have PND to contend with.

I threw a massive tantrum when my DH took my then EBF three month old out for a few hours to let me nap and fed him a bottle. If my in-laws had deviated from my routines I think I might have burst into flames with rage. Now he's 16 months and I'm grateful for a break and delighted that he has a nice relationship with them.

When they are so tiny and it's all brand new every little thing feels SO IMPORTANT. You're barely sleeping, you're still a tornado of hormones and you're teaching yourself how to care for a fragile and demanding little person. I swear it gets easier, in the meantime don't have it out with your PIL, it's just not worth it and you may well feel very differently about allowing them a bit of leeway with his diet and routine a few months down the line.

Hope you feel better soon.

Helpful Subordinate - and yes, you don't have children. So feel free to comment when you know something about it

I am firmly of the opinion that parents' wishes should be respected, however this is a bit silly. (Meant internet affectionately.) So he didn't sleep as much as normal, presumably he wouldn't have done anyway had it been you tripping around visiting anyway, a rigid 90 mins is hard to stick to when visiting without being rude. That isn't going to do him any harm. Likewise with the veg/fruit (did you do independent research on the weaning thing? I'd be a bit suss tbh, and a bit of an nhs person going against their own recommendations), the order in which he ate is going to do no harm.

At the end of the day if you want to stick to quite a rigid and unusual routine that is fine, but you really can't expect others to do things to the letter of how you would, as long as he is clean, cuddled, fed and kept safe then focus on the lovely chilled day off you've had.

You're very brave letting him go off for the day already, dd is 17 months and still never been left! (I surely beat you in the pfb stakes!)

BTW - re: my last post. People without children can, of course, have great objective insights. Calling someone a bad mother ain't one of them.

What a vile comment subordinate.

Yabu, but you are a brand new mother, weaning means hormones more out of whack than ever.

When I read posts like yours, they help me to look back in time to when I was a young mother and feeling emotional about things that later on I would not bat an eye at. Some day in the future, you will look back at this time and laugh, and hopefully, it will help you in dealing with your future dil when she is a new mother.
Don't be too hard on the grandparents, they mean no harm, did no harm, and you had a nice rest.

Nice Subordinate, really nice. Feel better for being so vile to someone, do you?

your dh went with them right? so i dont understand why you are so annoyed at ILs - as parent dh should have been the one to be in charge with the baby and make sure routine was stuck to if its something thats important to you both, so i would be more annoyed at dh?

My MIL did the "Oh she's been doing that all day for me." thing when she looked after DD1 and I was fuming...as OP says who on earth DOES that with their DILS pfb? It's asking for trouble!

I live in NZ and here the Plunkett nurse (kiwi HV) advised me that my DD should be put to bed every 60-75 minutes until she was about 6 months. She would nap for 1.5 to 2 hours. They showed me a video of tired signs to look for. Rubbing eyes or yawning were really late signs. The idea is that if you miss the sleep window and the baby become over tired then they are much harder to settle. They also think that a baby who sleeps well during the day sleeps better at night.

You can see the list of tired signs here:

tired signs

It might be coincidence but DD is a brilliant sleeper.

So every 90 mins seems reasonable to me.

Some babies sleep, some don't. Isn't a product of training or routine.

I think you've taken me the wrong way Ninky. I know babies vary and what works for one doesn't work for all of them. I was very lucky. But Op was getting roasted a few pages up for putting her baby to sleep too often.

I got a bollocking from my Plunkett nurse on her first visit for having an overtired baby and though some folk might find the kiwi system interesting.

God, there really are a bunch of cunts posting here, all holier than thou...

I muddled through in a haze thr first few months, going against many of the things I had vowed to do (BF to a year, wean at 6 months etc etc). The reality was so different to how I had imagined it. I tried my best, loved my daughter unconditionally, but yes, was prone to bouts of PFB like OP and probably was unreasonable, but you know what, I found it reallly really fucking hard. The feeling of losing control if the routine was out was almost overwhelming. I think, the way I was feeling then, if I had read responses such as these calling me a bad mother and a nutter, it would have finished me off.

OP, I hope this hasn't put you off. Perhaps try posting in places other than AIBU where unfortunately even regular "respectable" posters seem to think they have a green light to speak to other posters in a vile way rather than respecting the rules regarding suspected trolls.

Mostly a lurker at the moment as tend to read at work, but this has really riled me!

I have reported your horrible post subordinate what a nasty mean spirited comment.

I can understand the OP's frustration about the sleeping as she had given advice on sleeping to them. To me it doesn't seem as though they did anything wrong with the food and at 4 months it doesn't really matter if it's a bit of fruit or a bit of veg they have with their mainly milk diet. With reflux weaning at 4 months is understandable.
You have to appreciate though that babies behave differently when out of routine and although he sleeps regularly for you in his usual house if in unfamiliar surroundings and with different people he may be more alert and harder to get to sleep.
I was like this with my first initially (although by 4 months was back at work so not in control of sleep regime) but with subsequent kids you realise the house can't revolve around their sleep patterns and they just have to fall asleep when tired whilst you get on with life and the stuff you need to do for the other kids.
Overtired babies are harder to get to sleep and I think letting him settle himself popping in regularly is fine in this situation.

I want a link to the elf outfit. A link to the shop's catalogue entry, or something, obviously. The OP doesn't need to post a picture of her baby.

lol

ime if a little baby wants to sleep, it will fall asleep regardless, even in the middle of a plate of mush.

if you dont want people caring for your kid in the way they see fit, stop dumping it on them

HTH :)

So, after sleeping on it, i am fully aware I was majorly PFB.

Also, aware that i'm not ready for other people to have Ethan for longer than a couple of hours. I'm sorry if i made it unclear, my husband stayed at home with me instead of going with the baby.

Some of the comments have truly hurt and as much as i don't want to be someone who gets upset about internet people's comments, i have done. Having already made clear I have PND, the comments then ripping apart (or that's how it has come across) my parenting have really knocked my confidence. However, morning has brought with it the realisation that my little boy is happy and very content. That's the words all the health visitors/doctors etc use. Content. I don't care if it is boasting any more. We have a routine which works for us and I am a good mom. Maybe not perfect, but good enough. You know what? That's what i need to be. Good enough. This means Ethan gets looked after with love and i can work at getting through my issues.

My original post asked if i was being unreasonable about his routine being knocked off as he didn't sleep, about if they should have given him veg first because they were told to, and also if they should have told me that he giggled first at them. Not if i was doing the wrong thing by having a routine in the first place. So i am a little baffled about how the thread turned so aggressive about my parenting choices.

I can't find a picture of the elf costume online. So, I talked with my husband who said to just post a picture of Ethan. This may be another thing i get slated for, but he looks so flipping cute anyway! It's also my profile picture on another website. So here he is
Elf