AIBU about earth mothers narrow mindedness?

[lolaflores]

according to earth mother friend, children in this country are raised at arms length and treated very coldly. any thing that upsets her 5 year old is labeled trauma. He would get upset about speech therapy class, so she stopped going. He has tantrums every day after school, we have stopped walking home with them cos it takes forever.He has never been dry at night, not due to bed wetting, but because she cannot face the stress of it.
Any view that does not chime with hers is denounced as old fashioned, unloving and horrid. She sights all the sources that agree with her. Yet, she moans endlessly about not enough sleep due to baby sleeping with them and 5 year old constantly waking through the night. Husband of course does not stir. I have realised she does not want useful input, but a martyr medal. I didn't know that motherhood had to be a test of endurance. she makes me feel all kind of shame at my approach! I sound like a victorian poor house director in comparison. how do I stand my ground

ditto bluddymofo

Let it go in one ear and out the other and don't dwell on it, everyone has their own approach, you concentrate on yours, let friend concentrate on hers. Neither is wrong.

When she talks about it I would suggest you nod, smile politely then change the topic.

Stand your ground by recognising how happy and well adjusted your own child is, and draw confidence from that.

Allow her to have her opinions and accept that she can think any way she likes. You do not have to defend or justfiy your choices to her, just as she does not have to do that with you.

It's not a competition.

i think she realises that her laizzez faire take on things has backfired. waiting for a light to go on. She is a lovely person in the main But it does tend to be crisis management. I am adopting a stance of silence for now, but my back teeth are grinding. she was upset that my daughter corrected her DS's pronunciation of a word. This is what kids do, they are keen on the right thing. It wasn't malicious, she seemed to think it was.

I thought you weren't supposed to correct the pronunciation of a child who had speech therapy. If for example, they said 'some' incorrectly, you might reply, 'I will get you some cake,' making sure that you pronounced it correctly in front of them straight away. But you're not actually supposed to tell them they said something wrong, but it might inhibit them from speaking and so they would get less practice.

I'm not an expert on the matter though.

i think it is really really difficult to maintain friendship/ spend time with someone whose approach to parenting differs so much from your own (with the children I mean, in pub without kids-fine). I would keep my distance when kids are with you

5yos don't know that though Louise353.

I have a similar friend OP, best just to nod and smile if you cherish the friendship, otherwise I'd cut your ties.

Stand your ground? Why do you need to? Is she atttacking your parenting choices the way you criticise hers?

Fwiw, I am not by any stretch an earth mother but my ds1 aged 6 still isn't dry at night and throws the most horrific tantrums several times a day.

Perhaps your friend is struggling and muddling her way through through this parenting mire.

I sometimes observe those having a really hard time or feeling guilty tend to be the ones who stick most rigidly to theories and views.

Perhaps you could offer to help your friend?

Agree with dawn, talk about something else.

She doesn't sound like an earth mother OP, she sounds like a mother who isn't coping and has reacted to that by being critical of everyone else.

She's reminding me of Rosie, the mother in The Slap (who I hated the first time I read it but found more sympathy for the second time).

Oddly, it's easier for some people to deal with a crisis then prepare and avoid one.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, and she's doing him no favours if she has stopped him from going to speech therapy but then takes offence at another child correcting his pronunciation. I think that may have been because she knows she was wrong to give into his upsets and stop him from going, but she can't admit it so has to blame someone else.

oh and I'm not an earth mother but my nearly 6yo is still not dry at night. Nothing to do with parenting style.

And as for making you feel shame at your approach, that is nonsense. If you think you are doing the right thing by your children and your consider hers to be so maladjusted, then why do you feel "shame"?

It's not being an "earth mother" though is it. She is just a bit odd and wrong

Hmm, I do think that there comes a time when you have to think about parting ways with friends who are so different in their parenting methods.

Or just ignore their complaints and try and change the subject.

You will not change her mind, and she won't change so you have to just let it go or you will go mad.

Yes I'm sure she's odd and wrong. I reckon that could apply to all of us at some point. None of us are infallible.

She doesn't sound much like an "earth mother" to me, to be honest, just someone who has picked a bunch of parenting ideas at random and not really thought it through. Which is probably true of most of us!

Is she actually your friend? If so, and her friendship is important to you, then I think you need to develop a mantra like "Well, this works for us" or similar, when she starts up about how things ought to be done.

But if she's just a "mum friend" then just letting it slip is probably easier - it's hard to feel sympathy for people who are bringing problems on themselves by not dealing with them. Sleeping and bedwetting can usually be sorted easily enough in a 5yo, if she wanted to apply a bit of effort and consistency, so its hard to sound sympathetic when you know she's just not bothering to try.

Louise353 the kids were correcting him, other 5 years olds. I am quite sure they are not aware of the etiquette.

MmmeLindor I totally agree.

I have recently deliberately spent less and less time with a certain friend of mine because her children are so unpleasant and violent and unruly, just because she can't bring herself to discipline them AT ALL. As much as I want to have sympathy for her when I see the way they behave and the way they treat her, I am reminded of the last 2 years when every single friend she has has tried to offer help and advice and assistance and support, and it's been completely ignored.

We can't have them over any more because they absolutely trash our house and hurt DS, and I'm not prepared to put him in that position.

It's ironic that the very thing that brought us together at a certain time in our lives (children) is what has actually pushed us apart.

The issues she's having can happen with lots of different parenting styles. It's not unusual for a 6 yo not to be dry at night (I thought this was a physiological thing not a parenting one anyway), lots of children wake through the night for a myriad of reasons and having a baby sleeping with you isn't a bad thing (if that's what you want).

What's wrong here is her apparent inability to accept that there are other methods of parenting, which whilst she doesn't necessarily agree with do work for others.

I would just nod and sympathise OP. You have different views and that is fine. Sometimes people just need to vent a bit. Neither of you are wrong, just different.

As for you friend, if her current approach isn't working then she needs to change it or live with it until the phase resolves itself.

Winkywinkola offers of help are rejected out of hand. I have offered to collect her DS from school to play at our place. Not allowed, it would be traumatic for him

If you can't grin and bear it you have two options. Walk away or tell her that although you know she is entitled to her opinions, your children are happy well adjusted, sleep well, eat well and are doing OK at school. You are happy with the way you do things and you don't want to discuss it any more. I suspect she won't be able to stop

I also suspect she knows she has a screwed up a bit and is looking for reassurance that she is really doing OK despite everything. You aren't in the position to give her reassurance because you think she is making mistakes (and I would agree with you) so she keeps banging on about it to see if she can't get you to change your views to make herself feel better. She is examining everybody else's parenting to see if they do things the same as her and if they don't they have to be wrong. When people are happy with their choices they tend to just get on with it and don't really notice what everybody else is doing, I don't think.

You don't have to justify your parenting choices and nor do you have to change to fit her view of what is a good parent. I think you might just have to accept that she is somebody who you don't actually have a lot in common with and quietly let her drop off the radar a bit.

I agree, I have never met more judgemental women that the attachment parenting brigade. I genuinely think each to their own but they are always soooo tired cos their children dont sleep etc etc and they can never leave them. I think its a persecution thing, they actually enjoy sacrificing themselves at the alter of motherhood. I breastfed alright but didnt really buy into the rest.