AIBU about earth mothers narrow mindedness?

[lolaflores]

according to earth mother friend, children in this country are raised at arms length and treated very coldly. any thing that upsets her 5 year old is labeled trauma. He would get upset about speech therapy class, so she stopped going. He has tantrums every day after school, we have stopped walking home with them cos it takes forever.He has never been dry at night, not due to bed wetting, but because she cannot face the stress of it.
Any view that does not chime with hers is denounced as old fashioned, unloving and horrid. She sights all the sources that agree with her. Yet, she moans endlessly about not enough sleep due to baby sleeping with them and 5 year old constantly waking through the night. Husband of course does not stir. I have realised she does not want useful input, but a martyr medal. I didn't know that motherhood had to be a test of endurance. she makes me feel all kind of shame at my approach! I sound like a victorian poor house director in comparison. how do I stand my ground

"She doesn't sound much like an "earth mother" to me, to be honest, just someone who has picked a bunch of parenting ideas at random and not really thought it through. Which is probably true of most of us!"

Yes. Exactly.

Just let it go. If you find her and her kids too much like hard work, don't spend time with them. Neither of you are 'right' - we are all just finding our way.

But people, if she moans and gives out about her choices? and suggestions are swept away? She is a friend, and I have tried to side step the issue of parenting, but she has very little other conversation.
The child is not bed wetting, she has never bothered to get him dry at night, so it is not a case of him being at fault, she is but won't acknowledge that.

I feel shame because I am the opposite end of parenting to her and it makes me sound hard and unloving. this is a case of letting go. I had great aspirations for this friendship, as have made many loving friends through my eldest daughter (18), but the twists and turns in this one confuse me

Next time you speak to her, ask for silence, then point at her and declare loudly,

'You are the Earth Mother... And to the Earth you shall return!!!!'

That will sort it out once and for all.

But people, if she moans and gives out about her choices? and suggestions are swept away? She is a friend, and I have tried to side step the issue of parenting, but she has very little other conversation.
The child is not bed wetting, she has never bothered to get him dry at night, so it is not a case of him being at fault, she is but won't acknowledge that.

I feel shame because I am the opposite end of parenting to her and it makes me sound hard and unloving. this is a case of letting go. I had great aspirations for this friendship, as have made many loving friends through my eldest daughter (18), but the twists and turns in this one confuse me

TheCrunchUnderfoot that sounds entirely mad. I like it

I don't necessarily think people who practice attachment parenting are judgemental. I do think that they are asked to justify themselves a lot, as their approaches don't necessarily fit with what people view as the norm.

I wouldn't say I practice attachment parenting, but I do adopt some of the associated methods. I often get shocked responses when people discover our children co-sleep. That results in me having to explain myself, which to some may come across as a criticism of what they do. I never volunteer this information, but I won't lie if I'm asked.

I was quite into attachment parenting but can't say I went to the same lengths as the OP's friend. I adopted the security and physical attachments elements but accepted that as a working parent some sort of routine and sleep was vital. Even though I did things that I am aware some parents would not choose to do and vice versa, no one was ever rude enough to criticise me nor me them. Different techniques work with my own, two very different children, so it stands to reason that different techniques work for different families. Live and let live I say.

IME the one thing I find 'martyr mothers' have in common much more so than a style of parenting, is lack of support from family (usually their husbands).

Hmm, she will regret this, trust me.

My boss' daughter was raised like this and she is an utter monster Her mother still treats her with kid gloves and now she has a child of her own and she is still an utter monster. She is one of the few people that I physically recoil at if I even find myself in the same room as her. I can't put my finger on it, she is just truly awful. Nobody can stand her.

Children need guidance and loving discipline. If you omit these things you end up with the above.

sorry for posting twice. do continue

Oh, I see. So her son is dry overnight, she just still has him in pull-ups or the like? I don't see being dry overnight as something you can actually influence (apart from encouraging going to the toilet before bed etc). They either physiologically ready or not. DS1 had dry pull-ups in the morning for a week and now he doesn't wear them. I didn't actually DO anything to make it that way.

If having a discussion on the merits of some element as opposed to others can be seen as criticism then I need to go back to charm school. But rudeness is in the eye of the beholder.

She has an indifferent husband who she also never tackles. But moans incessantly about. I give up

Funnily enough, he is a lovely child when mother not about

Guidance and loving discipline are an anathema to friend. She sees it as stifling his growth and what have you. the child has not got a clue about self regulation in the most part. Is this not an important part of growth and socialisation? Is this rude too?

Just ignore and avoid situations that aren't working for you such as the walking home from school. Change the subject. I do wonder why you are friends with her as she berates your parenting basically as it does tally with hers but also find you a bit mean, your not really being a good friend are you?

Also a bit unfair to limp all 'earth mother' types in the same boat.

Yes mad. Not as mad as her though, by the sound of it! Glad you liked.

Mishy1234 thing is you DONT have to justify or explain yourself to anyone, no matter how shocked they might be. I co-sleep with both my dds who are 6 yo and 1 yo. I dont justify that to anyone. I dont think I tell anyone.

Why DO people declare loudly the intricacies of their parenting?? If she is not asking for/ accepting help or suggestions, then you can only assume she is 'demonstrating' her parenting method. We aint interested generally in EXACTLY how anyone else is doing it are we?

It is nearly always the UPers APers that do this

Bin her then. She sounds difficult but lost.

Although I don't understand the child is nit bedwetting but she has never bothered to get him dry at night?

I don't think being dry at night is something a parent can control.

Some people just love to moan and it just sounds like her parenting issues are her favourite subject.

If it's wearing you down OP then I would reduce the time you spend with her. Some people are harder work than others and if she's getting you down then you need to step away.

Some mothers use motherhood as an excuse to retreat from the norms of society, taking their children with them into a fantasy-land of no rules, no discipline and no restrictions.

saturdayescape I feel that I am put in the mean pile because I did not expect friendship to work out this way. this issue is becoming more and more apparent and I am at a tipping point with it to be honest. I have tried to be a good friend in the shape of what I consider good friendship, support advice so on. When this is flung back in your face with a certain level of scorn, then we are not on friendship territory anymore to my mind. I do feel hurt to be honest, on a very deep level

I think the thread title is unreasonable and narrow minded. Very few earth type mothers I have met through the La Leche League are like this. Hippy mothers are mixture and many of them are excellent mothers.

It is hard parenting a child with special needs. Sadly it sounds like this particular mother has special needs as well as her son. Not allowing a child to go to speech and language theraphy is borderline on child abuse. IMHO its like not taking a poorly child to the doctor.

However you only have control over your own life. If this woman is upsetting you then you are best to avoid her.

Well, in that case i suggest dumping her. TBF she doesn't seem very earth mothery to me, just a parent who is struggling and dismissing other parenting styles as a defence mechanism.

How do you get a child to be dry at night? Mine weren't and then they just were...I didn't do anything?

Absolutely bejeezus I totally agree. I never discuss how or where my children sleep, but if someone asks me if DS2 (18 months) is out of his cot yet I won't lie and say yes/no. I'll say he's never had one and once he's ready he'll go into an ordinary bed like DS1.

I'm not interesting in how anyone else parents to be honest. If what they do is working for them then that's great.

Also just wanted to add that, 5 is not old to be in a nappy at night, isn't it normal to be up to 7.

Sounds like she's trying to justify her decisions. A simple "When I see it working for you, I'll give it a go." should suffice.

If you don't want to hang around with her then don't. You can't get cross becasue a friend doesn't behave the way you want them to. Either decide that you're prepared to put up with it or walk away.