AIBU about earth mothers narrow mindedness?

[lolaflores]

according to earth mother friend, children in this country are raised at arms length and treated very coldly. any thing that upsets her 5 year old is labeled trauma. He would get upset about speech therapy class, so she stopped going. He has tantrums every day after school, we have stopped walking home with them cos it takes forever.He has never been dry at night, not due to bed wetting, but because she cannot face the stress of it.
Any view that does not chime with hers is denounced as old fashioned, unloving and horrid. She sights all the sources that agree with her. Yet, she moans endlessly about not enough sleep due to baby sleeping with them and 5 year old constantly waking through the night. Husband of course does not stir. I have realised she does not want useful input, but a martyr medal. I didn't know that motherhood had to be a test of endurance. she makes me feel all kind of shame at my approach! I sound like a victorian poor house director in comparison. how do I stand my ground

I don't think you feel 'shame' about any aspect of your parenting OP.

I think you feel superior about your way of doing things, and you'd like your friend (who you clearly consider a failure when it comes to parenting) to acknowledge this, and to abandon her defence of her philosophy and practice of raising her kids.

I've got a 12 year old dd and I often hear her bitching about her 'friends'. I encourage her to be tolerant, tell her that all of us can behave in a twonkish way at times, and that she'll reap the rewards of being forgiving, even at times when her friends are being idiots. I think the same approach works for adults, unless the friend in question is being actively unkind

On the other hand, you could wait until she's had a really bad night and then say 'Oh just stop moaning! Why don't you do things my way, then your kids wouldn't be such a pain the the fucking arse'.

Is she asking for your advice and then ignoring it? Or do you feel obliged to try and 'fix' the problems she's having and are then getting frustrated when she won't listen to you? I have a very earth mothery friend and we get on very well despite having different parenting approaches. Yes she has a moan about sleep to me but I never bother giving her anything other than sympathy. I KNOW she doesn't want to do CC or any other form of sleep training so there's no point me trying to advise her. I don't think she wants advice anyway just the lend of a sympathetic ear. Could this be true for your friend as well? Sometimes people hear an implied criticism in advice, even if none was intended. I'd just offer sympathy and cake and nothing much else.

Oh and I have a 5 year old who is still in nappies at night and I haven't tried to 'train'. He's happy, I'm happy. Not sure what the problem is there? Everyone I know in RL who 'trained' their kids at night had months and months of problems with bedwetting on and off and still has regressions years later. My 7 year old didn't come out of nappies until she was 6.5 and has not had one single wet night since so I'm confident it's the right way for us.

Have learnt through experience that in a friendship if you have to bite your tongue too much it will eventually pop out (keep away from alcohol in company of your friend)with catastrophic results (sadly in my case). My advice is to have some time out and meet less often when kids are not around.

Have learnt through experience that in a friendship if you have to bite your tongue too much it will eventually pop out (keep away from alcohol in company of your friend)with catastrophic results (sadly in my case). My advice is to have some time out and meet less often when kids are not around.

Sometimes people need empathy rather than advice. It sounds weird, but sometimes people just want someone to listen rather than give advice.

Having a child with a speech and language delay can be truely soul destroying.

Where is she from?

there was some zeleb rabbiting on the other day - apparently she never says no to her child cos its just soooo limiting dontchaknow

lol

It sounds weird, but sometimes people just want someone to listen rather than give advice.

sorry i cant be doing with that. If someone wont take steps to help themselves, then they have no right to whinge and whinny

On the other hand, you could wait until she's had a really bad night and then say 'Oh just stop moaning! Why don't you do things my way, then your kids wouldn't be such a pain the the fucking arse'

yep, thats my kind of advice lol

Disengage, otherwise the frustration will mount. It's hard to tell what her/ Her child's ishoos are, but it sounds like a package best left mainly to itself.

IME these things often resolve as the kids get older, so don't burn bridges, just be otherwise engaged.

Just say to her "I'm glad that works for you" and move on.

I suspect if the child needs speech therapy, this in part will explain his tantrums. If he isn't able to express himself adequately for a child of his age it must be hugely frustrating.

I have to say most of what the OP posted is merely a difference on opinion on the right way of parenting (even if the friend does seem very quick to judge) but withdrawing a child who needs speech therapy from his therapy sessions is not doing anybody any favours and to my mind is a big mistake.

shagmundfreud what can I say. Perhaps I am a superior know it all that swans about criticising where i see fit with not a shred of empathy or tolerance. Nothing I like better than preaching and prating at those mothers I don't see as good as me. I know they love it really. If this were the case,would I not be seated in an empty room ranting to myself? Would this person not have headed to the hills fairly quickly after a dose of me? I know I would. Perhaps my horridness only seeps through the cracks rather than waterfalls. I don't know, perhaps I should get a geiger counter to help. Or perhaps you can come round and help me out with that, what with your healthy happy levels of tolerance and what have you. Would so appreciate it.

I agree, we all bring something to the party, and I have many friends with different approaches to parenting, and a subject we discuss freely. All opinions welcome. That unfortunately is not the case here. I am not trying to fix anything. But when advise is constantly sought and then dismissed and then you are badgered endlessly about what to do.....kind of stuck for a resolution.
Both my children were dry night and day by 2 and half. No bed wetting no regressions years later. the horror of this may only emerge in therapy for them years later.
I am of a mind to make a space, hope for the best.

I have said nothing to her about withdrawing him from SALT. she has her reasons, I disagree with them, but remain silent. I know she doesn't want to hear it, which I appreciate because there is alot going on. But, I don';t think it will help in the long run.

Blimey, you're very defensive aren't you? Who the hell suggested your kids would end up in therapy if night-trained early? And the fact that YOURS were dry that early isn't really an answer as to why other people's should be is it?

Kind of thinking you deserve each other at this point...

fair point. *lingdilong" you suggested that children you knew of had had regressions and months and months of problems entirely to due being "trained", like it was evil. Mine were dry without months and months of problems and regressions, and that was what happened in my house. It is not the same for all. But it is not psychologically damaging as you would suggest. Not in the least bit defensive, just the facts.

Kids are supposed to stop wetting the bed by about six? ... Gosh. I was eleven.

lizziechickens plenty of posts on here stating that it is different for everyone.

Deep sigh. I don't know how on earth you got 'evil' and 'psychologically damaging' from potty training regression. I don't believe for a single second that the kids I know who regressed are remotely damaged or that their parents are evil. I meant that it seemed a little pointless to attempt potty training early, without there being any signs your child is ready and end up washing a load of sheets that's all. Again, I can kind of see why you 2 are butting heads to be honest if you can read that much into somebody taking a different approach to you. And at this point I bow out for fear of offending you further!

I think it was the "trained" that set me off to be honest. A suggestion of something inherently wrong. All children are different. But, is there not value in the suggestion that giving the child a go at being dry? Or do the childs thinking for it? Mmm

Why would you see 'trained' as a negative word?? I'm genuinely perplexed! I would certainly say I 'trained' my children in the day when they were ready. But the experiences I saw in real life suggested to me that night time 'training' was a lot of hard work and didn't necessarily work. That's it. No judgement on the very lovely and wonderful parents I saw night time training just a feeling that I didn't want to do it myself.

I think putting a word in apostrophes suggests you view it with some suspicion.

I think you are being narrow minded op.

I didn't attempt to piggy train my 3 year old, one day she came in when I was on toilet, said mummy move and from that day waas dry with a bit of regression.

I co sleep with my kids, they also have their own beds and the eldest decided she wants to sleep there.

She also attended salt. Which didn't effect her behavior.

I do get tired from the waking. However I get more tired when I have experimented with sleep training as even after 7 days my dd then 2 still woke up, and instead of turning over and hugging her, I had to get out of bed etc.

The tantrums may be connected to night waking, because he is tired after school?

I didn't train my kids as such, they let me know so I went with it. I have co slept with my kids, but reached a point where it had to change.

Parenting is not a test of endurance, but you should at least try methods. There is no hard and fast rule, but at least try. you attempted to get your kids to sleep in their beds. Fair dues. not for you. But are you whining and whinging, asking for advice and then not even trying? you know your own mind and follow your own instinct. You are not flapping in the wind with no direction whatsoever. That is what I am struggling with.
Please explain my narrow mindedness as I agree totally with what you have said and do not run in anyway contrary to these ideas?

It's fair enough for Ling to describe the children she knows as "trained" rather than trained if after being "trained" they were still wetting the bed.