AIBU about earth mothers narrow mindedness?

[lolaflores]

according to earth mother friend, children in this country are raised at arms length and treated very coldly. any thing that upsets her 5 year old is labeled trauma. He would get upset about speech therapy class, so she stopped going. He has tantrums every day after school, we have stopped walking home with them cos it takes forever.He has never been dry at night, not due to bed wetting, but because she cannot face the stress of it.
Any view that does not chime with hers is denounced as old fashioned, unloving and horrid. She sights all the sources that agree with her. Yet, she moans endlessly about not enough sleep due to baby sleeping with them and 5 year old constantly waking through the night. Husband of course does not stir. I have realised she does not want useful input, but a martyr medal. I didn't know that motherhood had to be a test of endurance. she makes me feel all kind of shame at my approach! I sound like a victorian poor house director in comparison. how do I stand my ground

She doesn't sound like an "earth mother" to me, not that I really do labels. She sounds like someone who isn't confident in her parenting. And any perceived criticism of her child she feels is a criticism of her parenting.

My dd wasn't try at night until past 5, it wasn't that I didn't tackle it, she just wasn't ready, besides there was nothing to do other than wait until it happened.

excuse me reallytired did I say the child has special needs? How narrow minded of you to jump to that conclusion

Mine were in nappies at 5 - nothing you can do about it really. DS1 just forgot to put one on one night and woke up fine. Never wet the bed after that. DS2 was in an out of them for a while and wet the bed buthe got there in the end. There is no stress to face other than dealing with accidents if they happen but so what?! They might not. I think the problem is not so much the child being in nappies as the mother not even trying to see if he is ready to do without them.

I do agree with ReallyTired though about the speech therapy. It seems cruel to let the child struggle if you can get help. I hope for the child's sake the school step in if he really needs it.

I am not trying to control anyone. When your concern is thrown back at you, thats what hurts.

next time she is telling you how what you do is wrong, just go "hows dcs bed wetting.sleeping/tantrums getting on".

I'm a UP/APer-type and my son, who rarely has meltdowns, has been dry at night since 15 months. (We did EC from 9 months, which I think helps. Anyone who does want to encourage their child to be dry at night, I'd suggest talk, talk, talking to them about peeing and where it goes, leave them a potty by the bed, use mattress protectors and have clean bedding easily available so it's not emotional/stressful if they wet the bed, and just giving it time, they'll get there in the end.)
'Discipline' means teaching/showing the way and is entirely consistent with AP/UPing.

Anyone who does want to encourage their child to be dry at night, I'd suggest talk, talk, talking to them about peeing and where it goes, leave them a potty by the bed, use mattress protectors and have clean bedding easily available so it's not emotional/stressful if they wet the bed, and just giving it time, they'll get there in the end

And you think this is exclusively a UP/AP approach??? How do you think 'non AP/UP' parents tackle it????

OP, I think it's the acknowledged need for speech therapy that posters are picking up on as special needs -- which is fair enough, really; and it might also indicate some other developmental immaturities or differences in this child, surely?

Take a step back. There is no reason why a friend's parenting choices should impinge on you.

If you can let it all wash over you you will prob. find the child grows up ok and you still have a good friend.

However the constant moaning and asking you to approve of the decisions she makes, even though they're not working, that needs to stop. Disengage when she talks tosh.

speech therapy doesnt indicate special needs!

Isn't anything requiring SALT a special need?

It's intervention that a typically developing child doesn't need...yes, it might not indicate anything more than a speech issue, but it's not something that most children need.

Bejeezus, speech therapy isn't a usual need, surely? And it's not offered on a plate, so presumably it IS needed?

V slow typing here -- cross posted with TR.

ok-I stand corrected. I suppose it is a special need

not in the sense that it makes a child 'more difficult to parent' though (my dd1 had speech delay and saw SALT)

helpyouself thank you for your wisdom. she even asked my DH about how many kids to invite to birthday party? It is the approval thing that irks me. your post is akin to a lovely cool drink. soothing. thank you

It can do though bejeezus, communication difficulties can lead to behavioural issues for instance.

I mean a lot of children have SALT for a minor issue which only affects their speech, but a purely speech issue can have a knock on affect...

But reading between the lines with the boy in the OP, he has tantrums every day after school, doesn't sleep well and isn't dry at night - it's not a massive leap to think the issue might be related to the need for SALT rather than purely a parenting issue.

Especially because most children just become dry at night, it's mostly a developmental maturity thing.

Please, what is SALT? I feel he has a spectrum of problems. I find him hard to be around, so what is it like for his mum. I don't really know, the twists and turns of this are confusing.

spectrum autistic la di da di dda..making it up now

Speech and Language Therapy/ist

good points tab Language delay can often be an indicator of developmental delays as well cant it?

Im not convinced bed wetting is developmental delay at 6 though? I think it is fairly common. Its kind of irrelevant anyhow, as the mum hasnt even tried to take the nappy off i think.

That was my point, she hasn't tried to get him dry at night. She is no longer having SALT as he didn't like it want to go etc. Yes bed wetting is common, agreed. Speech delay though is not often enough to go on to make an all encompassing diagnosis. He does not thus far have a disagnosis. I have my suspicions but am not that insensitive to voice them.

"not in the sense that it makes a child 'more difficult to parent' though (my dd1 had speech delay and saw SALT)"

I found that when my son had speech difficulties, he was difficult to parent. Iti was harder to reason with. He could not follow instructions, be reasoned with and he threw tantrums due to communication difficulties. He struggled to make friends as he had such limited language. DD who has advanced speech language develpment has been very easy to look after.

My son had grommets and his adenoids removed and changed over night at three and half. He went from having the speech of an 18 month old baby to having the speech of a child who was 3 years 3 months in a space of 6 weeks. He is a lovely boy now without any problems.

My son only saw SLT twice. In our area a child's speech has to be pretty desperate before they are offered anything. I imagine that a five year old who is offered a session with a speech and language theraphist must be in dire straits. Usually input from school or nursery is enough for most children with mild speech delay. SALT are only called in if the school is getting nowhere with their knowledge and experience.

I feel sorry for the little boy. It sounds like that mum is in denial about the seriousness of her son's problems.

whether they still still urinate a lot at night is pretty much a developmental/hormonal thing - so taking off nappies won't make much difference, but no, 6 isn't really an issue yet or 5 for that matter, it's a lot more common than people think.

and yep language delay can be a big flag that there's something more going on - it doesn't have to be, but it can be.

Remember disengage.

bejeezus - No! Was just sayin'.

Don't think parenting labels matter v much actually. Was just reacting a bit to the (probably all in my head) link between 'earth mother'/AP/UP/whatever and child not being encouraged to be dry at night/toilet independent.

And although I've also read about the hormonal influence on night dryness, I don't believe it's the whole story. For instance I know it's not true that every child doesn't have this hormone/this ability until age X at the earliest (2 or 3 I think), because of my son being night dry earlier. I think some children are ready earlier, but need to be helped (and I do mean just helped, not bullied into it - lots aren't ready until later) but I am suspicious about who funds the studies saying it's totally normal for kids to need night nappies until 6 - it must cost parents a fortune.