to be pissed at DSis reason for not attending our wedding?

[dontcallmedeliah]

(I know it is a wedding one ? so prepared to be called out on this but?.)

Me and DP are getting married after I have given birth to DC1. So getting married in March.
DP is an Icelander and so we are getting married in Iceland.

My family (Parents, siblings and their families are flying out to come to the wedding)

Flights all booked and paid for by my parents as a wedding present to us (for all of my family) - should point out that my dad works for the airline and got discount/deals with our flights

DSis2 phoned me up yesterday and asked what weather is probably going to be like when we are there.
Told her that the average temperature was around 2C in the day. She asked about the length of daylight. Told it would be about 11hrs a day.

Anyway she said she would phone me back.

When she did, she said her husband had been on the Internet and had discovered that it can be very very windy at that time, with lots of snow etc.

Well yes it is March and very far north.

She says that she and BIL think that it would be too cold for their DS who is 5. Has he isn?t use to such temperatures or snow (they live in the channel islands)

Well I was shocked ? told her to bring very warm things and they keep homes and hotels and other warm. And are more than use to the weather and how to deal with it.

Told her (in the way you could probably only say to a sibling) that Icelanders have dealt with the cold for thousands of years and they are fine and that we are bringing our newborn with us and DP has 3 DN who are all under 6 who are perfectly fine in weather.

She basically ignored all that and said that she and BIL have reached their decision and are not going to change their mind ? the 3 of them are not going.
I asked about the flight ? she said that she would just talk to Dad about them.

AIBU to think that is a stupid reason for not coming to your sisters wedding and to be mighty pissed at her?

I also think it sounds like BIL doesn't want to go, he's researched it and decided it doesn't sound like a 'fun holiday' and as it's not his family, he's spitting his dummy out about it. Is he controlling at all? the windy comment sounds like they've argued about it, she's tried the "but it's colder than that in the UK now" argument (which it is) and he's come back with extra research to prove how awful it would be...

I would call her back, offer to have just her there if BIL and DN don't want to go/can't cope with temperatures you'd be happy for it to just be her. Her flights might be able to be changed so she's just there for the wedding/day before/day after, I'm sure she'd be happier to stay with H2B's family if it was just her.

oh, and it being BIL's problem not hers would make more sense of why nothing was said until the flights were booked, if she was happy to go she would have said ok to your parents, let them book the flights and then her DH has thought about it and decided it's not what he wants.

Completely mad! I cannot think of anything more exciting. I have always wanted to go to Iceland and the thought of being able to share that with my DD. I hope she changes her mind. I don't blame you for being fed up.

Are you sure that they dont want to waste any holiday time in a cold climate ? Is she a ' if i dont get a weeks sunshine i will just die' type of people?

Thanks

It was talked about at length before parents booked flights, and we made it clear that we weren't expecting them all to come if they couldn't. Itwas left hanging for a while and parents made everyone confirm if they could come or not. she and BIL said dthey would love to come and would definatly be coming.

I wouldn't say BIL is the controlling type more of the placcid doormat type when it comes to DSis. But it could be him I suppose.

I would say we get on. Just the 2 of us and also the 4 of us collectively get on and our close as well. Yes we don't see eye to eye on everything (if she is Mary Bennett I might be Kitty)
If she had a 'proper' reason for not coming I would be upset but at least she would have told me the truth and I could accept it and I would with no hard feelings. But such a crap excuse angers me.

I haven't spoken to her but DSis1 has and she has spoken to parents. She told them all the same excuse. Parents apparently are basically fumming.

-oh I said my not our to try and make it less confusing. so that the 'my' was my family compared to DPs family. if that makes sense.

has your sister ever flown before

McHappy She flys to the mainland about once a month

Channel Islanders are weird (am a born and bred 'islander :) )

YANBU, it's crap.

You would BU to be annoyed with her for not coming (even with paid flights, it is asking a lot, even of family) - but she is BU for either 1.) giving you a bullshit excuse instead of being straight with you (even "we just can't make it then" would be better!) or 2.) actually being completely ridiculous about a bit of cold weather.

I would try very hard not to hold it against her, and give her the benefit of the doubt (it is possible that there really is something else going on which they don't feel ready to talk about which would prevent them travelling).

But I would say something, I must admit - maybe "I can't help feeling hurt that you would let the weather alone stop you from being there, but I do understand that it is a long trip and a big expense. We';ll miss you and be thinking of you." Then I'd try to let it go and include her in other ways.

(I say this as someone else who got married very far away from her family; we actually held a second reception later on, as none of my family were able to travel to the wedding. It was not really avoidable, we did the best we could, but I still feel very sad and am relieved that my family doesn't seem to be holding any grudge about it!)

If your parents are fuming about it then at least you have the rest of the family on your side and the moral high ground. She's the one who is going to be left out in the cold, miss the fun, and if she's really comfortable about that, let her be.

However wouldn't want to be in the position of the other poster who was told 'Come to our wedding in Italy or be cut out of our lives forever'...as long as your sister knows it's her choice and no-one is going to take a grudge to the grave over it, hopefully she'll be a bit less quick to snub her family in the future and won't be irretrievably cut off.

It sounds like a bonkers excuse.

I would wonder if money and time off work may have something to do with it. The clothes they may have to invest in for a few days? I remember going skiing when my first was young and a good child all in one suit does cost. Its been a very warm winter here, maybe the adults only have outer wear that would do for a spring / summer?

Years back I went to a family wedding to somewhere very hot, during our winter. Despite not having to pay for certain aspects it still cost us lots and that was south america prices!

Personally, I would love to visit Iceland, its been on my list for a very long time. I wish you were my sister and a wedding would be a fantastic excuse.

The flights might be paid for but what about the accommodation? The Scandanavian countries are prohibitively expensive.

That is the risk you take when getting married abroad - not everyone wants the hassle of going. I assume she would have fly from CI to London/Manchester/change for Reji Rekj Iceland! It's PITA.

Factor in that she probably doesnt own Arctic Weather clothing and footwear, multiply that by three people. Multiply buying wedding outfits, gifts.

I doubt I'd bother going either.

Her excuse is naff though.

Brdgrl Imagree with her

Iceland is super expensive. They probably do not want to spend that much in your wedding.have your wedding abroad. Expect people will not want to spend the dosh.
Yabu

It's not super expensive. I expect it's no more expensive than Jersey tbh. It's certainly not any more expensive than London

marshmallowpies

"If your parents are fuming about it then at least you have the rest of the family on your side and the moral high ground. She's the one who is going to be left out in the cold, miss the fun, and if she's really comfortable about that, let her be."

she is probably use to it

It's ok for her to decide not to attend, and the reason is just a cover up for something she'd rather not say to you, do don't push her on it.

Just accept this OP and don't make a big deal of it. Enjoy your wedding.

Er, can I come?

Sorry to be flippant...think there probably is a little bit of 'blimey it's a bit of a trek, and we'll still have the hotel and beers at £10m a bottle, and (from DBIL) a bit of 'do I really want to blow holiday allowance on something more duty-based'...so they may have leapt on the temperature as an excuse.

All rather annoying, and I remember loads of my family ducking out of coming to my wedding in London 6 months after 7/7 because of 'security' which was very hurtful...

Try to imagine yourself as a small duck, them as a drop of water, and it just rolling off you...

There are any number of potential (reasonably) good excuses for her not attending your wedding in Iceland. But "my 5yo might be too cold" is not one of them.

And there are any number of potential (reasonably) good times for making the announcement. But after she has confirmed that she and her family are definitely coming and someone else has paid for her flights is not one of them.

YANBU to be pissed off (if nothing else, that she couldn't be arsed to come up with a better excuse)

They probably read something like this and have visions of battling blizzards.

January, February and March are normally the most difficult months of the year for traveling in Iceland. The roads are often covered with snow or ice. Icelanders have learnt to deal with difficult traveling conditions by preparing their vehicles with the right tires and 4-wheel drive vehicles are gaining more market share every year. The Road Administration does everything it can to keep roads open for travel all year round and they are doing a fantastic job. In the most difficult areas the roads are closed only few days a year. The Road Administration provides road travelers with valuable road condition information. On their Web site is a map of Iceland that shows the condition of each main road almost by the minute with few road cameras as well. 24/7 information line is also available.
I think they need to be reassured that although it may be cold and windy, it won't be dangerous. When conditions are dangerous, roads and closed, flights are cancelled, and people stay inside until it is ok. I haven't been to Iceland, but it is common sense.
I think they are paranoid, anxious, and not trying to be a PITA.

The average temperature in Iceland is only a few degrees colder than the uk. It is a rather badly named country

And beer, even in a smart bar in Reykjavik is about £4 a pint.

If she's not going because of what she imagines its like I can tell you that she (and her Ds) will be missing out on a fantastic experience

I LOVED it when I went with DP last February and can't wait to take the kids back

What a shame she's closed her mind

I can provide a very velvety newborn to snuggle while you decide...

I hope you're not thinking of taking that baby with you, Gwendoline ! Haven't you heard about the weather there?

OP YANBU to be pissed off with her excuse, although I agree with others that it's a red herring.

Maybe they can't afford it after adding up all the costs, I'd struggle to afford a wedding in the UK atm. I know you said that they're not badly off but I have debts that my family know nothing about, maybe this is the case for them.

I think you need to speak to her, not leave it up to he said, she said type of conversations with the rest of the family.

I would still be fuming if I were you but as I said before, I am happy to step into your sister shoes