to be pissed at DSis reason for not attending our wedding?

[dontcallmedeliah]

(I know it is a wedding one ? so prepared to be called out on this but?.)

Me and DP are getting married after I have given birth to DC1. So getting married in March.
DP is an Icelander and so we are getting married in Iceland.

My family (Parents, siblings and their families are flying out to come to the wedding)

Flights all booked and paid for by my parents as a wedding present to us (for all of my family) - should point out that my dad works for the airline and got discount/deals with our flights

DSis2 phoned me up yesterday and asked what weather is probably going to be like when we are there.
Told her that the average temperature was around 2C in the day. She asked about the length of daylight. Told it would be about 11hrs a day.

Anyway she said she would phone me back.

When she did, she said her husband had been on the Internet and had discovered that it can be very very windy at that time, with lots of snow etc.

Well yes it is March and very far north.

She says that she and BIL think that it would be too cold for their DS who is 5. Has he isn?t use to such temperatures or snow (they live in the channel islands)

Well I was shocked ? told her to bring very warm things and they keep homes and hotels and other warm. And are more than use to the weather and how to deal with it.

Told her (in the way you could probably only say to a sibling) that Icelanders have dealt with the cold for thousands of years and they are fine and that we are bringing our newborn with us and DP has 3 DN who are all under 6 who are perfectly fine in weather.

She basically ignored all that and said that she and BIL have reached their decision and are not going to change their mind ? the 3 of them are not going.
I asked about the flight ? she said that she would just talk to Dad about them.

AIBU to think that is a stupid reason for not coming to your sisters wedding and to be mighty pissed at her?

People budget to what they can afford for Christmas and birthdays, you don't have as much choice when it comes to going to Iceland.

And Op hasn't said yet if accommodation is going to be paid for.

I have to disagree about it being a family obligation no matter where it takes place.

I think people choosing to marry abroad (who who have invited relatives living abroad) have to expect that some people won't be able to attend because of the costs/distances involved/time off work etc.

Those things can obviously be a factor when everything is being held in the same country that everyone lives in.

But I'd rather have a person attend my wedding because they wanted to celebrate with me than because we were related and they felt obliged to attend, like it or not. And I really wouldn't want someone to get into debt to attend or be there with a sour face while sulking under a duvet for warmth.

She may always regret not coming OP, but you will never regret accepting her reasons/excuses gracefully and being the bigger person.

is she pregnant and looking for an excuse not to fly?

KitchenRoll - hacked off/pissed off/upset/disappointed, what's the difference really?

I was annoyed when my sister had a wedding abroad, for far more flimsy reasons than OP, but she's my sister and OF COURSE I wasn't going to miss her wedding, even though it meant leaving DS with his GPs. And we didn't even have free flights!

OP's sister just needs to be honest with the OP if there's something more going on and this is out of character. Or, as some others have suggested, if there's a history of this kind of martyr-ish behaviour, then she shouldn't feed it, but should move (whilst remaining perfectly entitled to be upset!)

I would assume there's some other reason she doesn't want to go. A 5 year old would be fine in those temperatures with a coat on - and presumably the wedding is indoors anyway! I can't imagine this would be a reason for most people to miss their own sister's wedding.

She clearly doesn't want to go though, for whatever reason, and that's her choice. YANBU to be upset and disappointed, but I don't see there's much you can do about it.

She could have told you before the flights were booked and paid for though!

My Dsis decided to get married in Italy (for the view, not for family reasons) and I was livid at the amount of money we had to spend, the days off work and the general hassle of travelling with 2 tiny children, one with autism, just because of her whims.

Of course it was her day and she was free to get married anywhere she damn well chose but I tried to explain how difficult it would be for us to attend and was given the ultimatum of going or being cut out of her life. How is that fair?

I agree that the moment you make the choice to get married abroad you have decided to take the risk that even nearest and dearest may not be able to come. Parents don't cover the costs of the flights/ accommodation in every case and sometimes it's simply not feasible, even for a sibling.

Has your parents covered the cost from getting from Channel Islands to the Mainland which can be expensive?

yanbu, thats really shit

She's mad - if someone offered me free flight to Iceland for a lovely family get together (and family were about to help entertain my DC) I would bite their hand off. Cold my arse- she should try living in Scotland. Minus 2 yesterday and my and 4xds (all under 5) were out and about. Think she's being a bit selfish tbh - sounds like something else could be going on.

For me, if you get married abroad then you have to accept that some people will not attend for various reasons, one specifically being money, it can cost alot, using up time from work which could result in more childcare costs during school holidays as no paid leave left to cover this time, the list goes on.

The OP's sister's excuse maybe a poor one, 2 degree isn't that cold, it can be that cold here and all mine would have on extra is a pair of leggings or tights on and an extra jumper (like they wore in the snow last year) but that is their excuse and unfortunately for the op it has to be accepted. I realise they are getting married in the op's home country so more reason to do it there than just doing it on a whim but when having a wedding in an alternative country it should be expected that some may decline to attend, even close family.

There is a massive difference between getting married abroad for the fun of it, and getting married abroad when either bride or groom is from that country.

One set of relatives is going to have to travel.

Saying that, you do have to accept that not everyone will be willing to make the trip (even if that upsets you).

Since your parents are covering the costs of flights, what ohter costs would she have?

I don't get the cost of winter clothing, as you can buy cheap winter clothing if need be. It doesn't have to be the best of the best when it will only be a short trip. And it is not 25°C all year round in Jersey, they have cold days too.

Thousands of people take their kids to Lapland to see Santa which is the same climate.. it is not exactly an expedition to the North Pole.. it is warm inside a car, and a hotel.

My grandaughter just went skiing for the first time. She is 5 and didnt die of hypothermia.

Regardless of the reason why the woman doesn't want to go, she doesn't want to go! Her decision should be respected, it's up to her what she does ad where she takes her family, no-one else.

i wouldnt fancy forking out for a trip to a freezing cold place either

shrugs

I agree that the moment you make the choice to get married abroad you have decided to take the risk that even nearest and dearest may not be able to come. Parents don't cover the costs of the flights/ accommodation in every case and sometimes it's simply not feasible, even for a sibling.

agree

It's two degrees oop North today, how do you think all those UK children are coping? (answer, with a pair of gloves, hat and a vest on like everyone else!)

This cold thing is a red herring, I think other people have probably identified the issue, taking time off in termtime, cost of travelling (if not from Channel Islands), cost of hotel, time off being used up for this purpose.

Can you have a heart to heart and get to the other reasons? If it really is about the cold, tell her it's the same temp in the UK today and see what she says.

There is a massive difference between getting married abroad for the fun of it, and getting married abroad when either bride or groom is from that country.

EXACTLY! I'm so glad someone else sees this, we got no end of grief from family about our decision to marry in DH's country - but his family would never have been able to afford to come to the UK for a wedding, and nor would any of his friends, so we opted for his country as a compromise. We chose a very reasonably priced hotel (by UK standards) that was close to all major transport hubs, so the main costs would be the flights and the hotel - which, when we looked at them, were pretty much equivalent to the costs within the uk, but with an extra hour of flight time.

sorry for the hijack, but this pissed me off when we arranged our wedding, as we didn't do it just to annoy everyone, we genuinely looked at what would suit the majority of people. And then got flack from some of the family and friends who it didn't suit.

YABcompletelyU. As others have said, if you choose to get married abroad, you have to just accept that some people will find it too difficult to get there, regardless of whether flights are being paid for (I would not take my 2yo on a flight to Iceland if I could possibly avoid it, either, and there are all kinds of potential hassles e.g. flight cancellations at last minute, time ot of school, if the child is more sensitive to weather than usual, if her partner is being arsey about it, etc- it's way easier to travel with a new baby than an older child, so you going with a baby is not a good comparison). You're lucky enough to be getting married, and it sounds like your family are in general helpful and supportive, asking for more and more on top of that is just self absorbed when there are lots of people who don't have a nice relationship or get free flights to iceland or anything like that, so I think you need to keep that in perspective. You are getting a nice thing. Your sister can't come for whatever reason. Her loss, but it's churlish to be 'pissed off' when you are so incredibly lucky in your life in general.

That's a really odd reason for her to back out. I'd love to be given an opportunity to go to Iceland with flights paid for. I'm sure there must be another reason. Why on earth wouldn't a 5yr old not be OK in that kind of climate? Just put extra clothes on!

I don't agree though that family are obligated to go to a family wedding even when it's inconvinient and expensive to them. DH's sister lives in south africa with her boyfriend who is south african and if they get married there, there is no way we could afford to go there, with two kids as well. The flights alone would be thousands of pounds. And DH is a teacher, so can only attend a holiday time wedding, when ofcourse prices are high anyway. So we won't be going.

But, Kveta, surely the issue is that when you have an abroad wedding, you have to accept not everyone will be able to come/get the time off/wants to travel with small children/wishes to spend the best part of 1000 pounds on attending. It doens't make that much difference to the people attending why you are there (although they may feel particularly annoyed if you go abroad just for the fun of it and then expect them to be there).

I could understand if she said "look, it's still going to be very expensive, we can't take DS out of school" - they just seem more valid than "it's going to be too light and too cold"

I actually think yabu as you chose to have a wedding abroad and should not expect anyone to attend really and she is entitled to her reasons and she may want to save her money/time for something else.

Thanks:

Her and BIL can't have children so wont be that.

I know that the cost could stack up but put it this way - they aren't short of a few bob.
Holiday for BIL I could perhaps see. She is a SAHM. Taking DN out of school yeah maybe but he is only just five and in reception. (and wouldn't you have made that decision before tickets booked?)
Our relationship? We get on, but we do have our moments- we have a different outlook shall we say (DBro calls her Mary Bennett to give you an idea)
DP family offered to put us lot all up. We all accepted, she said that they would prefer to stay in a hotel.

So she may be using the weather as an excuse but Other DSis would hear of any other reason (whether she wants to or not) and has heard nothing.

But whatever the reason she could have told before parents booked flights and things.
But if something has happened recently, it is a bit of a crap excuse to use - isn't it?

Hardgoing Oh, totally understand that it's difficult if a wedding is abroad - I was more meaning that you can't please everyone, and it's especially difficult if you are marrying someone from a different country - which side do you choose to piss off? We went for the 'we've settled in my country, so don't see his family much, so let's have the wedding there, as we'll be having our children/home here' option.

I was more sick of the crap excuses though (like the OP is), and would have preferred my sis to say 'I don't want to come so I'm not coming' rather than bullshitting away all the time, which just upset my mum, who then blamed me. We had friends (close friends) who were very polite in saying they couldn't afford it, or could not get time off work, and that was fine. Others were less polite, and it was that which annoyed us! Especially the couple who had married in a very remote part of Scotland, and thus cost us the best part of £500 to attend, and who told us they would def be at our wedding, then a week before it went 'oh, might not be able to come after all, save us a seat though' and didn't turn up (we didn't save them a seat either). It was a shame, and we understood their reasoning, but at least have the grace to be honest and polite about it FFS!

look, I have a 4 year old with winter clothes already, he'd love to go on a plane, neither of us have ever been abroad - so we'll step in, ta dah! Oh, and he keeps telling me that I should have let him go in the snow at Christmas time never mind that we didn't have any! So you'll make his year