to be pissed at DSis reason for not attending our wedding?

[dontcallmedeliah]

(I know it is a wedding one ? so prepared to be called out on this but?.)

Me and DP are getting married after I have given birth to DC1. So getting married in March.
DP is an Icelander and so we are getting married in Iceland.

My family (Parents, siblings and their families are flying out to come to the wedding)

Flights all booked and paid for by my parents as a wedding present to us (for all of my family) - should point out that my dad works for the airline and got discount/deals with our flights

DSis2 phoned me up yesterday and asked what weather is probably going to be like when we are there.
Told her that the average temperature was around 2C in the day. She asked about the length of daylight. Told it would be about 11hrs a day.

Anyway she said she would phone me back.

When she did, she said her husband had been on the Internet and had discovered that it can be very very windy at that time, with lots of snow etc.

Well yes it is March and very far north.

She says that she and BIL think that it would be too cold for their DS who is 5. Has he isn?t use to such temperatures or snow (they live in the channel islands)

Well I was shocked ? told her to bring very warm things and they keep homes and hotels and other warm. And are more than use to the weather and how to deal with it.

Told her (in the way you could probably only say to a sibling) that Icelanders have dealt with the cold for thousands of years and they are fine and that we are bringing our newborn with us and DP has 3 DN who are all under 6 who are perfectly fine in weather.

She basically ignored all that and said that she and BIL have reached their decision and are not going to change their mind ? the 3 of them are not going.
I asked about the flight ? she said that she would just talk to Dad about them.

AIBU to think that is a stupid reason for not coming to your sisters wedding and to be mighty pissed at her?

Excuse spelling mistakes the baby wants to say hi

What a shit excuse. YANBU.

I'd be fuming.. she clearly doesn't want to go though.. are there other reasons here?

I would just express to her how upset you would be if she missed your wedding because of this. If the cold is really a concern, could her son not be left with her husband's parents or anything?

It depends on whether your sister has a history of being a nuisance and generally difficult or it this is a fairly isolated incident.

It may be an excuse - does she not want to take her 5yo out of school during March for example (the entire of March is term time)? Does one of her family have something like asthma which may be aggravated by the cold? Is there other money to be paid out that she can't afford (aside from the flights)? Is she scared of flying?

Anyway, if it is fairly isolated, I would let her off because there must be another reason behind it. However, if she is always difficult, YANBU to be pissed at her but I would try not to argue over it. Your parents may have words with her? I know my MIL would be extremely upset if one of her children didn't attend another's wedding. My mum would be as well.

YABNU - it seems weird to me that they went off to do research about it online rather than talking to your partner about what it is actually like, presumably he lived there when he was a 5 yo?

I can see why they may not want to use their holidays from work (assumption) to go to a cold place but that's not the point - your sis should be honest about it. My DH is from the Mediterranean and HATES the cold although the free flights might just about persuade him very unlikely especially for family event which he also hates

Sorry you have this issue to deal with when planning an international wedding, we got married in my home town but still had to deal with DHs friends and family flying in from all over the world - right in the middle of the swine flu outbreak!! wouldn't bother with wedding again just the honeymoon Good Luck!

kitchen roll yes, for me, immediate family have an obligation to attend weddings and funerals of their parents and siblings, unless there is a major, major reason not to do so.

It is not equivalent to having a family holiday, where one can say oh, I don't like the destination/weather/food so I won't go.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll - seriously?? You don't think someone has right to be hacked off that her own sister doesn't want to come to her wedding (irrespective of the excuse given)?

Quite pleased we're not related!!!

In answer to your op, OP, YANBU to be upset about this, but I do agree with all the other posters that there's something else going on there.

FWIW, I sympathise as siblings can be arses. My friend's sister didn't go to her wedding because she forgot

She probably doesn't want to use annual leave on a trip that doesn't sound 'holidayish' because of the weather. You can't make her. Of course YANBU to be pissed of and sad but if she doesn't want to go, she doesn't want to go.

That is not her reason.
It is something else.

YANBU.

Stuff her, she is clearly wanting you to beg her to go and make her feel important. Go ahead and have a fantastic time without her and WITH the family who are prepared to make the effort to join you.

Congratulations by the way!

Like all very nearly all things, honesty is the best policy. I'd be very sympathetic towards a sister who said that, sadly, a term-time wedding somewhere they can't afford to attend is going to be very difficult. It's the coming up with rather bizarre excuses that tends to cause problems.

Clothing will be a pretty big issue, I should think. Clothing a 5 year old for that climate will be quite expensive.

It is a moot point that Icelanders have managed to dress their children for millennia, they have grown up with their weather and their climate and know exactly what to dress their children in!

The appropriate clothing will be readily available in shops, and they will be worn on a daily basis until their children grow out of it, and then they go out and buy some more. In Norway, I would easily spend around £3-400 for kitting each child out for the winter season, not including boots. Of course you don't need so many pairs of each when you are just visiting... However, their 5 year old will want to be out and play in the snow, and come back in wet, and will need something else dry to put on for going outdoors again. I am not just talking hats and gloves, but trousers and overcoats, too.

Flatbread, even if it's going to cost a lot in terms of time and money?

Do you really think that sense of obligation should over rule a view that children shouldn't be taken out of school, or that your obligation is such that it doesn't matter if it's going to cost you a lot of money they you might not have?

There lately seem to be an awful lot of posters getting drunk when friends/family/partners annoy them.

NoWay, I think Op has the right to be disappointed or upset, but not pissed off with the sister. She is choosing to have a wedding abroad, albeit with a very good reason, but I think that when you do that you have to go into it with the understanding that not everyone will want to go.

Presumably you're asking her to take nephew out of school?
My dh wouldn't be happy with that
Perhaps your bil doesn't want to go

That is rather unfair I think. I can understand why you are pissed off OP.

Re clothing, I remember when I first went skiing, didn;t want to buy ski gear for 7 year old dd, so I rented salopettes and a ski jacket. So it needn't be expensive.

It is very hurtful that they don't want to go.

Tbh, my first thought would be 'nordic MEN' and would be on the plane without a backwards glance.

Pah at the idea of someone not wanting to take a 5 year old out of school for a few days to attend a family occasion.

YANBU

I was in the Channel Islands last year and nearly froze my tits off, so that excuse is bullshit.

If it's the school issue then I think that's reasonable, but why then didn't the sister mention it before flights were booked.

OP I'd love to come to your wedding in place of your sister

She might not be able to get permission to take her child out of school either.

kitchen roll, if you think about it, people often spend a fair amount a year on unnecessary expenditure - could be eating out, Christmas gifts, extra clothes, birthday parties etc. So the idea that there is no money to attend a sister's wedding, (hopefully) once in a lifetime event, seems to me a bit of a 'can't be bothered' excuse.

If dsis cannot take the child out of school for a few days, she could leave dc with her husband and attend alone?

I also think your sister is being a bit weird. However, maybe that is because we are going to Iceland in February half term and I am EXCITED!!!

BTW I am sorry this is a bit off topic but someone mentioned the cost of warm weather gear. February in Iceland. Will we be OK with thermal base layers, plus other warm fleecy layers plus a waterproof or do we need other special stuff?

Even if the flights are paid for, perhaps she is having second thoughts when looking at other costs stacking up, and time taken off from work/school.

I remember a colleague having a similar dilemma over a family wedding abroad which was going to cost her a lot and require quite a few days taken as holiday - when trying to balance this with her own holiday plans for the year it was proving very tricky to manage, but she felt the family were pressuring her to commit to it.

The question of whether a family wedding abroad should be treated as an 'excuse' for a holiday or is a family obligation is clearly a pressure point, if it's not a place you were planning to go on holiday in the first place.

However I think she should be a lot more honest with you if she is having doubts - saying 'we've heard it's windy out there' is a bit of a silly excuse - especially as you have said that hotels and indoor spaces will be well heated (I've been to Iceland, I can confirm it's true...my hotel room was boiling hot).

Personally I'd jump at the chance to go to a wedding there...any excuse to go back!

Is it due to cost or does she and her family not travel well. The 2 degree thing seems odd, it is just that here in Bristol today. My sister got married in Zante. I went without hubby as he had major exams with my 18 month old daughter. it was expensive and my now ex brother in law was really rude to me, thanking every other person for coming except me. To be honest it was not my choice but I was there for my sister. When we got married a year later in the UK, he didn't come and my sisters was in tears the whole day and wasn't able to do her reading. It makes me sad that she will always remember my wedding for the wrong reasons. At the end of the day, other peoples actions are out of our control. Enjoy your day, as it just that your day!