to be pissed at DSis reason for not attending our wedding?

[dontcallmedeliah]

(I know it is a wedding one ? so prepared to be called out on this but?.)

Me and DP are getting married after I have given birth to DC1. So getting married in March.
DP is an Icelander and so we are getting married in Iceland.

My family (Parents, siblings and their families are flying out to come to the wedding)

Flights all booked and paid for by my parents as a wedding present to us (for all of my family) - should point out that my dad works for the airline and got discount/deals with our flights

DSis2 phoned me up yesterday and asked what weather is probably going to be like when we are there.
Told her that the average temperature was around 2C in the day. She asked about the length of daylight. Told it would be about 11hrs a day.

Anyway she said she would phone me back.

When she did, she said her husband had been on the Internet and had discovered that it can be very very windy at that time, with lots of snow etc.

Well yes it is March and very far north.

She says that she and BIL think that it would be too cold for their DS who is 5. Has he isn?t use to such temperatures or snow (they live in the channel islands)

Well I was shocked ? told her to bring very warm things and they keep homes and hotels and other warm. And are more than use to the weather and how to deal with it.

Told her (in the way you could probably only say to a sibling) that Icelanders have dealt with the cold for thousands of years and they are fine and that we are bringing our newborn with us and DP has 3 DN who are all under 6 who are perfectly fine in weather.

She basically ignored all that and said that she and BIL have reached their decision and are not going to change their mind ? the 3 of them are not going.
I asked about the flight ? she said that she would just talk to Dad about them.

AIBU to think that is a stupid reason for not coming to your sisters wedding and to be mighty pissed at her?

Hulababy

its not been made clear whether the sister had a choice in the matter.

No, not really. Actually DSis3 and I are not close at all. I love her because she's my sister but we don't talk often and she's quite a lot younger than me - I left home whilst she was in middle school - so it wasn't this massive emotive thing like it would be (tbph) if DSis2 got married.

I'd do that for any member of my immediate family. You just do, I think.

My dad didn't go (for 'work' reasons ). They don't talk now, and I can totally see why.

morebiscuitsplease - it was minus 7 in this part of bristol when i went to work this morn!

yanbu imo op

At least it will be your wedding if she is not there being a martyr and drawing attention to her sacrifice at taking ds out of the south. Enjoy your day and just think what she is missing and the years of seeing family photos without her branch in them. She could always have come alone and left her tender wee boy at home.

RevoltingPeasant

the last time I went home, I saw my father, I didn't see any other member of my family.

After a really bad week holiday (actually three days as I grew a pair and came home) trapped with the fuckers, with every "mistake" I had ever made turned over for their amusement, and every button pushed to wind me up. I left them to it.

I know longer spend anymore time than I need to with them, If one of them got married if they where in the uk I would go for the ceremony, then turn around and come straight home. (Not something the sister can do.) if it was aboard they could fuck right off.

OP, seriously now, you said that they have a DS and then later you say they can't have children together.

Could the issue be that you will have just given birth and she will find it upsetting to be around a newborn.

Because lets face it, there will be a massive fuss being made of him by all the relatives. And if she finds that hard (and I can understand that she might) she has no escape if she is staying with your DH's relatives and expected to be at the celebrations all day.

She could be worried about putting a dampener on things, or worried that your DH's relatives will think is is odd, or selfish, or jealous if she feels the need to go off and be a little upset.

I went to a naming ceremony six months after we had our second loss, and had to go and cry quietly in the garden after the speeches were made. We were far from home and surrounded by strangers as well as some family, and I felt very exposed and upset. Perhaps she's wanting to avoid that situation and feels she can't tell you because you are pregnant and she doesn't want to spoil things for you.

That's a good point. She might think that it will be too hard for her to be round your newborn and pretend to be happy if she is struggling with secondary infertility.

I can completely understand why she wouldn't want to stay with her future bil's family, even if she didn't have a child with her. That part sounds like hell to me, I don't even like staying at my own mums house. Some people are just like that when it comes to personal space. She may have been willing to make the sacrifice, but I can see why her dh wouldn't, and she might not want to go without him.

I also wonder if anyone specifically asked her to confirm that she wanted to go to Iceland before the tickets were booked. It sounds like it was just assumed that she would want to go, and she didn't really have all the facts available to make a choice when the booking was done.

Op, did you do any research into hotels for her and give her suggestions of places she could stay other than your in laws?

If that is the actual reason then she is being stupid. Does she know that there are children actually living and everything in Iceland? YANBU

Congratulations, OP. YANBU, but you may need to just let it go and concentrate on your imminent arrival and your wedding. I've been to Iceland a couple of times, and it's one of my all-time favourite places - lucky you!

This thread is testament to the fact that, if the weather is not the real reason, she really needs to explain. Because that definitely is a crap excuse, which is what the OP was asking about. Any of the other suggested 'real' reasons are actually better, and it would almost certainly be better to clear the air about them. dontcallmedeliah, have you tried giving her a call and saying you're concerned about her and would really like to know whether there's anything else going on, and if you can help? It's true that people often don't like to 'trouble' people who are heavily pregnant or getting married (and definitely those doing both), but this is unsurprisingly troubling you anyway, so needs addressing.

I am prepared to bet that the sister hasn't told her DS about the trip because every 5yo I know would love to go to Iceland! I mean, snow! Geezers! Volcanoes! Whales! What's not to like when you're 5!!

FWIW I went to Iceland last feb and it wasn't much colder than England. It rarely is. It sounds like an utterly crap excuse to me

But don't let it ruin this exciting time for you

Have a wonderful day and many congratulations on your wedding :)

yeah can I go on the iceland shortlist too please?
sorry not funny.
on the face of it she sounds a bit wet and I think it would be a FABULOUS holiday for the young boy. wow what a memory for him but hey ho there might be reasons that become apparent. but whatever the reason I can't think of anything worse than having people being moanies and precious about the cold on the day.

Oh yes I;ll come instead as long as your dad pays my flights

As your parents have paid for the flight as your wedding present, they might not mind you giving the tickets to a close friend instead.

You invite people to attend weddings you dont try to force people to attend weddings. OP's DSis doesnt want to go, that's all. She doesnt have to justify herself to the OP. Perhaps the relationship between the sisters is not as close as the OP imagines.

OP hasn't said they that have a bad relationship therefore IMO, you go to immediate family weddings. Especially if the trip is paid for. YANBU.

But the trip isn't paid for. The flights are paid for. There is quite an expensive difference.

You feel sorry for your nephew who would no doubt love the experience. I think it is either a PFB ,or more likely she doesn't like travel and disruption and has come up with a flimsy reason. I think that you just have to accept it. When nephew asks why he missed it when he gets older, you can say his mother thought 5yrs was too young for snow!!

Iuse the flights are paid for and they have been offered free accomodation, its hardly the OPs fault that DSis is too princessy to take them up on the offer!

It's not princessy to not want to stay in a strangers house!

Are the parents also paying for transfers in Iceland, travel to the airport, airport parking, compensating them for the loss of earnings while the dh is off work, extra days of having to eat out in an expensive country? And those are just the extras included in having to attend a wedding abroad, because attending a wedding in this country when you don't have to take time off work costs enough money.

Personally, I would jump at the chance to go to a family wedding abroad, or anyone's wedding for that matter, but saying that it won't cost anything is just not true.

Cough-bullshit-cough! There are plenty of valid reasons why she might decline to come to your wedding. Either things known in advance like diary clash/money/annual leave/school terms or a last minute reason. Bottling out after the flights are paid for is unreasonable.

Hope you have a great time without her.

tbh if she isn't going to go then there is no point dwelling on it.

To be married abroad is lovely, for the couple. But for everyone else its a bit of an expensive pain. Especially if you have children.
I know your folks will be paying for the flights but there will be other costs incurred. At least with a more typical wedding abroad, you get a nice hot holiday thrown in too.

having said that...If my sister didn't attend my wedding i think i would find it very difficult to forgive that.

my mother would be DEVASTATED if i decided i just 'didn't fancy' my brother's wedding.

your sis is being weird, what has your mother said?

It sounds to me like OPs BIL is the one who doesn't want to go. As someone who's DSis puts her DH above everyone else at ALL times, whilst trying to disguise it with crap unconvincing excuses, I can recognise the signs!

I dont think we know if the Dsis dropped out after the flights were booked or the flights were booked before Dsis had confirmed she was attending (there is a difference).

Perhaps I dont understand the relationship between sisters but I wouldnt hold it against my brothers if they hadnt attended my wedding.