to think DH was wrong to tell his boss I'm pg?

[AugustMoon]

.... Within minutes of me POAS.
If you've seen me before you might know that our baby boy was stillborn last year. I am recently pg again and obviously anxious. I found out on the 8th December and have not wanted to tell anybody about it until after 12 weeks. DH has never seen the point of not telling people straight away but I believed he would feel the same as me this time. I told him 'it's early days so please can we take it slowly' and he agreed.
However, I was just ordering Chinese on his phone as my battery was dead and, as he's been acting quite strange recently, thought I would look through his messages. Nothing untoward except I see a message to his boss saying 'just found out this morning DW is pg' written literally minutes after I had sent him z photo of my bfp.
I feel betrayed, he says I have no right to feel angry, that I should feel 'curious' about why he told his boss and when I said it should have been something between us only he says it has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with how I feel because I should have asked him how he felt about it.
I just want to scream. He maintains he's done nothing wrong.
Sorry if disjointed, on my phone and crying.

Well why did he tell him? Are they good friends? Or maybe he is freaking out a little and wants his boss to understand why? A good manager will cut you some slack if they know you ate under stress so maybe he was worried about his performance suffering? Or he's a bigmouth gobshite?

"that I should feel 'curious' about why he told his boss"

That sounds very...odd. What is his boss like? Male/female? Why should you be intrigued about that? Weird statement. Has he confided in them about what happened?

And that text seems quite matter of fact. OP I may be misinterpreting what he's said but the whole "you should have asked him how he felt" thing makes him seem like he's angry almost. And taking it out on you. Perhaps he's very frightened or concerned after your earlier loss.

Nothing to do with you? How can this have NOTHING to do with you?

I think he's right that you should feel curious about why within minutes of finding out his wife was pregnant he was texting his boss about it.

That is seriously weird.

He's a dick to say your pregnancy and who knows about it is none of your business.

Why did you tell him?
It is not obligatory to tell anyone you are pregnant until you are ready.

Depending on his relationship with his boss he could have been thinking that it would make it easier to take time off with no notice if things don't work out. He still shouldn't have said anything without discussing it with you first though.

I think by now he must know how you feel so he probably won't do it again.

I would assume that he felt as anxious as you and wanted to offload with a close friend. No bad intent.

So sorry for your previous loss :-(

Actually I should add, it is relevant, that his boss lost twins a few years ago and has been supportive to DH. I still feel betrayed though. I barely know him and it's the fact that even yesterday I asked DH what he had told his boss to come to an appt. with me and he'd said that he told him I was going for a checkup and no questions were asked. Implying his boss had no idea. It's also that it was so soon after I had found out. It was literally within the next few minutes he blabbed to his boss. I wasn't even sure if it was a bfp and then did a further 5 tests!

Well, given your medical history - and the fact that he is clearly excited - it's actually REASONABLE to keep ones boss in the loop with domestic and medical issues.

Lets face facts - most of us who work see our spouses a few hours a day - work collegues see them 8+ hours a day. The knock on effect at work with domestic/personal issues is significant.

It's the speed that's weird though. Unless they have been having a ttc club at work?

Although you may think its YOUR pregnancy, it's worth remembering that there is another person involved who has the right to confide as well.

as he's been acting quite strange recently, thought I would look through his messages.

Of course, you were phone snooping - which is always a marker of a distrustful person.

May I ask how he dealt with the loss of your baby? It's only that he comes across almost as hurt or resentful...the "should have asked him how he feels" and the confiding in someone who has also experienced a similar loss for instance. Did he feel like his feelings were being ignored in the past? I am NOT saying that they were, only that it seems as if he has pent up resentment about something, and it may be somehow related to that. Very sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree here.

Agree with troigarcons, it's never just about one of a couple and neither one trumps the other.

Sorry for your loss previously though, it must be a bitter/sweet time for you. Hope all goes well.

faints someone agrees with me!

i think that if he's chosen to tell ONE person, a person who has been very supportive and experienced loss in the past, then that is your DHs right.

i'm sure that everything will go well for you this time, but you will both be understandably nervous, your DH may appreciate his boss knowing this and understanding that he may be a bit delicate. He'll also be more understanding about appointments etc.

do you really not want to tell ANYBODY? is there nobody you feel you need to lean on except DH in these early weeks?

Copy and paste that one for posterity, trois...

I can see both sides tbh.
Sounds to me like since his boss has been through the same terrible loss and has been very supportive to your dh he probably told him because he's excited/anxious/absolutely terrified all at the same time and his boss can understand his emotions as a man.
I think also waiting until after the scan is a long time when you have good news and sadly as you already know even after the scans things can go wrong with the pregnancy. Maybe he thought telling someone who wasn't family/friend would be ok.

I can totally understand your distress but I think Trois has a point. I may be way of the mark but it sounds like he might be feeling the stress of your pg and having to be the strong one if anything does go wrong and just want to know someone is there for him if he needs to offload without burdening you. I always think when you don't tell people, if something does go wrong it is awful having to tell them both that you were pregnant and that you no longer are both at the same time. I'm not a wait until 12 weeks person myself - I get my support network firmly in place from early on just in case and maybe he felt he needed that and he told someone who is purely there for him not a parent, family member or joint friend.

I think YAB a bit U about his telling his boss but not about his reaction to you confronting him about it. It's totally understandable that he wanted to tell someone who understands what he has been through, it's unhealthy to bottle things up and maybe he feels unsure about talking about it too much with you in case mentioning that he is scared of things not going to plan stresses you out when you should be trying to keep stress levels low. I would be annoyed at being told it had nothing to do with me though.

You are the only one who can get pregnant. It is currently your condition-who you choose to share it with is SOLELY your business. You don't even have to tell your husband. People really should remember that.

Thanks for your comments. isayholmes he was angry that I was angry and upset about it. Because he feels he's done nothing wrong. I can understand that he might feel he needed to confuse in someone. But straight away? I told my sister, a week or so after we found out and my mum and another friend have since guessed. I also know he's told one other person and whilst I wasn't over the moon about that, I don't really know the bloke, I didn't make a big deal out of it because I realised he might need someone to confide in. But this feels like he's totally let me down. He went and told his boss immediately before even speaking to me. I had sent him a photo of the stick, shared a couple if texts, one saying 'what do you reckon?' I wasn't even convinced it was positive ffs.

Well, that's your right to confide as and when you see fit - your DP/H has a different need to confide in his fears and seek support without worrying you .

BUT you snooped and broke his confidence/trust also.