to think DH was wrong to tell his boss I'm pg?

[AugustMoon]

.... Within minutes of me POAS.
If you've seen me before you might know that our baby boy was stillborn last year. I am recently pg again and obviously anxious. I found out on the 8th December and have not wanted to tell anybody about it until after 12 weeks. DH has never seen the point of not telling people straight away but I believed he would feel the same as me this time. I told him 'it's early days so please can we take it slowly' and he agreed.
However, I was just ordering Chinese on his phone as my battery was dead and, as he's been acting quite strange recently, thought I would look through his messages. Nothing untoward except I see a message to his boss saying 'just found out this morning DW is pg' written literally minutes after I had sent him z photo of my bfp.
I feel betrayed, he says I have no right to feel angry, that I should feel 'curious' about why he told his boss and when I said it should have been something between us only he says it has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with how I feel because I should have asked him how he felt about it.
I just want to scream. He maintains he's done nothing wrong.
Sorry if disjointed, on my phone and crying.

I really feel for the OP, it sounds like she has had a horrible time of it. They both have, actually. One of the things that struck me about the OP was that her DH said that she 'should have asked him how he felt about it'.

To me this kind of implies that maybe ther DH doesn't feel like his feelings have been taken into account enough in all the trauma they have suffered together. Whether that is by the OP herself or, more likely, by others who have expressed a lot of concern for her but not maybe for him?

As a PP said, sometimes the women in these awful situations get a lot of sympathy, and rightly, but maybe the men don't receive the same amount of understanding that they too have suffered greatly with the loss of a child and do feel marginalised, in this specific situation.

As for going through the phone because he's been acting strangely. He has maybe been acting a bit odd because he's been really stressed out by the news. It's bound to bring up all kinds of emotions, which he hasn't felt able to articulate to the OP for fear of burdening her when she is already very stressed out. Looking through the phone was not on really, but emotions are running high and hormones are flying around.

What they need as a couple is to sit down and talk honestly to each other about how they both feel about they news. Maybe even a counselling session, to get to the bottom of their emotions at this difficult time.

OP, I wish you both all the best with this pregnancy.

Dh waited till way beyond 20 weeks because I asked him not to tell. We had suffered years of infertility and I was scared shitless that the pregnancy wouldn't last.

Dh wanted to tell, but respected my right to keep it secret. I didn't realize till now how lucky I was!

Why does the OP wanting to keep it quiet for a short period of time mean she was taking away her DH's right to ask for support?

She wasn't unreasonable to expect him to come home and speak to her first and she's not unreasonable to be upset now she knows that's not what happened.

I don't think she was ordering him about or deciding what he can speak about.

People are criticising the OP for trying to make a decision for her husband and taking away his support while at the same time defending him for making the decision for her and taking away her need for a short period of quiet privacy.

The opportunity to talk about what to do and when to tell people and make a joint decision together was taken away by him just minutes after she first sent him a text and the decision was made by him alone before she was even certain she was definitely pregnant. And yet she is being blamed as being the one trying to control him.

She wanted to one thing, he actually went straight out and did another without speaking to her or giving her the chance to speak to him about anything. She is not being unreasonable to feel upset about that.

It's his fetus/child too. I understand the OP's feelings about wanting to wait but maybe the text might have brought back some of the feelings of loss of their first child passing away and fear for the unborn and he wanted/needed to speak to someone, his boss, who had gone through the similar pain and situation.

Maybe he understands that she wanted to keep it quiet but he still needed to talk to someone. Maybe he doesn't want to burden and stress her further until a bit later but he needed to speak to someone.

See the issue: He needed to speak to someone. It doesn't mean that he couldn't speak to the OP, it just means that he was trying to protect her from his own fears until she was emotionally and mentally ready.

No one is at fault here. OP should let it go. She and DH should just cuddle and revel in their unborn child.

The best thing about Mumsnet is the way it helps men who are perfectly capable of bullying their own wives to make sure their women really get the message that their feelings count for fuck all.

Yeah, he was trying to protect her so much that he told her her feelings meant nothing and made her cry when she found out this boss man knew set was pregnant before she did.

His reaction to her finding out was to attack her.

Is she the only one who has to be understanding here?

He's too beside himself with grief presumably.

How is your pregnanacy none of your beeswax?

yanbu