to think DH was wrong to tell his boss I'm pg?

[AugustMoon]

.... Within minutes of me POAS.
If you've seen me before you might know that our baby boy was stillborn last year. I am recently pg again and obviously anxious. I found out on the 8th December and have not wanted to tell anybody about it until after 12 weeks. DH has never seen the point of not telling people straight away but I believed he would feel the same as me this time. I told him 'it's early days so please can we take it slowly' and he agreed.
However, I was just ordering Chinese on his phone as my battery was dead and, as he's been acting quite strange recently, thought I would look through his messages. Nothing untoward except I see a message to his boss saying 'just found out this morning DW is pg' written literally minutes after I had sent him z photo of my bfp.
I feel betrayed, he says I have no right to feel angry, that I should feel 'curious' about why he told his boss and when I said it should have been something between us only he says it has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with how I feel because I should have asked him how he felt about it.
I just want to scream. He maintains he's done nothing wrong.
Sorry if disjointed, on my phone and crying.

I really don't understand people comparing him telling in boss - within minutes of an uncertain test, knowing you wouldn't want him to, and you telling your sister - a week later, with his knowledge and agreement.

I do understand the telling in terms of each of you needing support - and perhaps a boss you don't know is a good person for him to confide in, if you don't have a relationship with this person it doesn't compromise your needs. But, he should have waited at least until you'd seen each other following the test, were certain it was real and had had a conversation about who you were telling when. You'd shared the test result in good faith believing you could trust him. From then on it was your shared result, not his to do with as he pleased.

I very much understand your desire to be certain before telling anyone. I had a miscarriage last year (10 weeks, pretty much took it in my stride as just something that happens). DP and I are the only non-medical people to know about that (no one's banned from mentioning it but we're both fairly self-contained people and haven't felt a need). Two months later I conceived again, now 31 weeks. We didn't tell people, parents included, until 20 weeks because I wanted to be as certain as possible, in possession of as much information as possible and I didn't want to raise false hopes. Yes, I am generally quite private, discrete and am not very close to my closest family, so I recognise that I'm not a 'normal' example. But, despite feeling 'ok' about the miscarriage and knowing it had no significance for this pg, I did feel very much more cautious as a result.

Best wishes for yours, try to stay calm and happy for you own sake - perhaps even if that means letting go of some frustration. Perhaps just ask your DH to tell you about his feelings and listen without commenting, then mull over? Sounds like he wants to tell you.

If he had been shouting it from the rooftops I could understand hour anger more but I don't think having one person who he can confide in is a bad thing really, I think everyone needs someone slightly detached from the situation they can talk to.

The piss wasn't dry on the test and he had already told his boss, and then lied about it.

When his wife expressed (understandable) surprise that his boss was such an important part of their marriage that nothing could happen without the first priority being to inform him, she was told her feelings on the matter didn't count.

You know, because she's just the person who's actually pregnant.

He's been acting strange lately. He's told another woman in quite matter of fact words minutes after you found out. Another woman that he's obviously felt close enough to confide in. The fact that's she is his boss doesn't sound relevant. Sounds suspicious to me. How has his reaction to the pg been?

Is the boss a woman? I thought I had read it was a man, but reading back I misread something.

Sending a factual e-mail isn't exactly "confiding", it's informing.

His first reaction to the news was to inform his boss.

More important than responding to his newly pregnant wife.

Weird, weird, weird.

I meant as in previously supporting each other through a loss, not confiding in with this news. Actually I have assumed it's a woman but either way it's still odd.

The boss is definitely a man

My first reaction to many things is to MN them. I have told people on MN I was pg before telling dh. I imagine he would be angry if he knew this (but thankfully he doesn't search through my phone records!)

I don't think it is strange that he told some one who previously supported him through a loss of a child, He must have been both delighted and terrified at the same time. I know when we had miscarriage and DD was born at 30 weeks DP confided in a friends wife as he needed to talk through things with out putting additional stress and worry on me. Also a lot of the sympathy and help we got was directed towards me, I will never forget finding him crying in the bedroom one day, all he said was They were my babies too, he got support when he needed it from some one who was willing to support him, Your DH has done the same, a text msg of a positive pregnancy while he was a work I think in those circumstances DP would have said something esp as I think he would have been distracted and it would have affected his work.

I don't think it's strange that he told his boss. His boss was there and if you were texting him, he probably wanted to talk about it straight away.

You both need to before respectful of each others feelings. You wouldn't have liked it if he had told you when you could tell your family, and rightly so. I don't think woman can have it both ways on this. You can't expect a fully loving and supportive husband not have feelings of his own at a time like this, and they are just as valid and important as yours.

I think the mistake was doing the test when you weren't both together.

You seem very annoyed he told his boss minutes after you told him. What's the problem? Would waiting a week really have made such a difference?

I am honestly unsurprised he feels like he's done nothing wrong. You didn't actually say "don't tell anyone", you said "it's early days so please can we take it slowly".

What does that even mean? If you didn't actually tell him not to tell anyone then YABVU, and if you did tell him not to tell anyone then YABU. Telling 2 people is taking it slowly. IMO you're not taking his feelings seriously. It's fairly obvious that he's not 100% comfortable with the situation. Just like every man in this situation would be...

And I'm not surprised he lied about it when you confronted him. There are some things that a guy feels awkward talking to his DP about, especially if DP has responded badly in the past to that conversation. What would your reaction have been if he told you he was really scared/unsure/worried about what would happen in the future and your emotional response to it? Since he's not saying that to you, I'm going to guess it's been bad in the past. Guys have emotions too. If you ignore them, or take the piss when he confides them in you, he's not going to do it again, he'll find someone else.

Since you're posting this in AIBU and snooping around his phone, I'm really not surprised he doesn't feel safe talking to you about his hopes/fears for this pregnancy, and expecting him to not need to talk to anyone about it is ridiculous. The good news is that I'm willing to bet he'd prefer to be talking to you about this than his boss, so sort your attitude to him being emotional and vulnerable with you and he'll soon come round.

Bollocks.

A respectful man doesn't go around telling people about his wife's pregnancy before even responding to her about the fact that she is pregnant.

It's not "having it both ways" to expect your husband to not be a dick.

The fact that he had form for blabbing to all and sundry against his wif's stated wishes, that he lied about having told his boss, and that he was vicious and nasty to his pregnant wife when she found out that her private business was shared with a stranger before she had come to terms with it, all say that he is not a very nice man.

I have never said mens feelings are more important than a womans - both are equally important. I see nothing wrong at all in this man telling his boss - but I do find it a bit odd at the timing being so instantaneous. Which would suggest there are other issues going on.

Thank God my husband is not a dishonest entitled wanker who thinks my pregnancy is all about him.

Actually a woman's feelings about her pregnancy are more important than anyone else's.

I can't believe there are people who think otherwise.

For me work and home are very separate. He may have needed to tell someone and by telling his boss he wasn't telling someone who was close to you both or capable of spreading it around.

People cope with things very differently. Some feel the need to be private but others need to talk. Finding a way so that both parties feel they are having their needs met can be very difficult.

I would be more upset if he told someone closer to you.

After all the only reason you know he said anything is that you went snooping.

Actually a woman's feelings about her pregnancy are more important than anyone else's.

Only if it's an immaculate conception

Actually a woman's feelings about her pregnancy are more important than anyone else's.

So just because a woman can biologically carry a baby and a man cant her feelings are more important?! A pregnancy is a baby - a new life - something I think equally important to both people responsible for creating it, despite who has to carry it for 9 months.

No wonder men are so marginalised. It really is a case - in some eyes - of ""thanks for the sperm, now eff off coz it's all about MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.""

I love how man-worshipping women treat women's biology as an inconvenient aside in arguments like this.

Yes, the fact that a woman's body is carrying a pregnancy makes that pregnancy more to do with her than with anyone else, even the person whose seconds-long orgasm fertilised her egg.

That is a fact recognised in law.

You have to be a real dick to think that making your wife pregnant is as big a deal as actually being pregnant.

I

PMSL @ men being "marginalised" :o

So hard for them living in this matriarchy where they have no power and barely any money.

Someone should get onto Davida Cameron and Nicola Clegg about this outrage.

As a mother of a stillborn son and the wife of a man who lost a stillborn son I think YABU.

The loss of our DC3 was a horrendous time, we went through the same thing but we suffered differently. Conceiving after a loss brings a mix of emotions: for me there was very little joy, my DH was much more positive and although he worried for me I don't think he ever allowed himself to think that we wouldn't end up with a beautiful, healthy baby.

That being a said he was terrified for me. Whilst he felt he could have coped with losing another child, he couldn't cope with what that's would mean for me.

It meant we didn't talk a lot about the whys, wherefores and what ifs combined with a desire to be strong for me and the lack of support, even amongst friends it would have been entirely understandable if he had confided in someone who was supportive.

I can understand that you are going through a difficult time now, but please see you DH has done nothing wrong. He is fortunate enough to have a tremendous source of support and it will do you the world of good if you allow him to use it.

Amen, athinginyourlife!

(have been reading these aloud to my DH, who is as appalled as I am by some of these reactionary responses. Thank fuck.)

athing this isn't a "normal" pregnancy though is it? It is pregnancy after the loss of a baby (and I don't even want to get into competitive grief over who feels a loss more keenly )

If the DH is a decent man, and let's assume he is because the vast majority are not wankers, then he has lost a child and watched his wife lose a child. Is it unreasonable that he needs some support? And if he does need support is it reasonable to deny it because the wife would rather people don't know?

Athinginyourlife noone is discussing the priviledged place of men in society in general. When it comes to support for those suffering the loss of a baby, there is precious little for women but even less for men. My DH was regularly asked how 'his wife' was coping; noone ever asked after him.