to think DH was wrong to tell his boss I'm pg?

[AugustMoon]

.... Within minutes of me POAS.
If you've seen me before you might know that our baby boy was stillborn last year. I am recently pg again and obviously anxious. I found out on the 8th December and have not wanted to tell anybody about it until after 12 weeks. DH has never seen the point of not telling people straight away but I believed he would feel the same as me this time. I told him 'it's early days so please can we take it slowly' and he agreed.
However, I was just ordering Chinese on his phone as my battery was dead and, as he's been acting quite strange recently, thought I would look through his messages. Nothing untoward except I see a message to his boss saying 'just found out this morning DW is pg' written literally minutes after I had sent him z photo of my bfp.
I feel betrayed, he says I have no right to feel angry, that I should feel 'curious' about why he told his boss and when I said it should have been something between us only he says it has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with how I feel because I should have asked him how he felt about it.
I just want to scream. He maintains he's done nothing wrong.
Sorry if disjointed, on my phone and crying.

For me the issue here is not about not wanting her dh to have any support. Of course she wants him to be well supported. It's the fact that before even coming home and talking to her he'd told somebody else. Despite her already saying she wanted understandably to keep it quiet.

whatever but can't you understand that if you need support you would seek it immediately? Unfortunately getting support and not telling anyone else are mutually exclusive.

sorry yes I just re-read and saw "I hardly know him" so sorry for jumping to conclusions!

athing this isn't a "normal" pregnancy though is it? It is pregnancy after the loss of a baby
precisely.

And if he does need support is it reasonable to deny it because the wife would rather people don't know?
in short? yes.

Yes I do understand that Sara my dd died around the same time as August's ds and I too recently found I was pregnant again. So I understand completely the need to process the information as a couple first. Sending a text that just says 'dw is pregnant' doesn't immediately say he was doing because he desperately needed support. To me it reads he was just informing his boss in a casual way.

I've seen far far more unreasonable things on mn than this that people have dismissed as 'well you're pregnant and hormonal it's allowed'

If all he needed was some understandable support (really? Before even responding to his wife?) then why attack her when she was upset at what she found?

Why not

"Look, it freaked me out when I heard. I knew Bob would understand. I can see why you're hurt, but this was just something I needed."

Rather than

"Fuck you, I'll tell who I want. This has nothing to do with you."

If this guy is so upset, then is it beyond his imagination that the woman who carried a baby for months only to lose it and who is now pregnant again might also be a little fragile?

Would it kill him to be kind to her rather than being angry?

She's in the early stages of pregnancy. Her hormones are all over the place.

She needs a husband who is nice to her and doesn't tell her that her feelings don't matter.

I can understand your hurt OP but I can also see why he told his boss, who has also suffered the loss of twins. He has probably confided in him about this before and is now terrified/excited in equal measure. Its quite good he has someone 'external' to family to discuss this with in fact, as IMO men can often be sidelined and forgotten a bit when there is a loss like this.

Talk it through, but please don't fall out over this.

I wish you every luck with this pregnancy

Yes athing exactly that

whatever I would agree that "DW is pregnant" would appear to be informing boss in a casual way if the boss hadn't suffered a loss also.

When telling my SaNDs friends "I'm pregnant" they all understood immediately the thousand unspoken words behind that phrase. If the DH had been talking to his boss about his hopes fears, concerns for his DW, future child, himself then presumably his boss would have understood exactly what "DW's pregnant" meant to him.

I'm not sure there is anything to be gained from us castigating a guy who has lost a child, who is presumably otherwise a decent bloke and who is worried. What does it achieve? The OP is understandably going through a period of turmoil but telling her her husband is a dick / entitled wanker and implying he doesn't give a shit about her feelings is IMO completely out of order.

Athinginyourlife - when did he say that to his wife? You are putting/twisting words in his mouth.
I don't think he should have txted boss straight away. Then again the OP's choice of texting him picture of bfp is not something I would do either - something that has great/scary feelings associated with it would be better said face-to-face. With a text, you don't even know what the person is doing when they receive it or who they are with.

I'm sorta with the DH on this one

It's sad but he has confided in a friend who has been through similar... I don't see why it's such a big betrayal.

It is both of your baby, not just yours

I can't disagree with any of your last post Sara you are right. But I still think he shouldn't have told his boss immediately given August had expressed a wish to keep it quiet.

I don't know why I should presume that a man who is sonhorrible to his newly pregnant, worried wife is "otherwise" a decent bloke.

There's nothing decent about the way he's behaved here.

And he has form for disregarding her feelings about her pregnancies.

It is no early very strange that on learning of the pregnancy, the first person he wanted to contact was not his wife but his boss.

It's just odd. It would make me very sad if I were his wife.

no early = really very

Stupid autocorrect.

Our son was stillborn and our premature daughter died two hours after her birth.

We both got varying degrees of support.

I can fully understand the arguments here saying that the OP's husband has been through the same loss and is now equally part of the new pregnancy.

But physically, it's just her.

And after two losses, a lot of examinations, an infection that nearly killed me, several operations, check-ups, scans and all the normal changes and effects of pregnancy that DH couldn't share, it felt very much like a violation every time anyone had to look at or touch me. After our daughter was born I was dangerously ill, they prepared DH for losing me as well, and afterwards I couldn't walk unaided for over a week, I was taking all sorts of medication. And both times, after losing our son and then our daughter, both in the same year and within eleven months of each other, we had questions from everybody about what happened and what we were going to do next, would we try again, should we try again. On and on and on.

By the time our DS, now almost three, was born, I felt like I had been beaten up, I felt like the whole world had seen me naked or half naked, crying, vulnerable, unconscious, sick, bleeding or grieving. Total strangers had poked and prodded at me, operated on me, questioned me, injected me, taken samples from me, etc.

I wanted some privacy. I wanted my body to be mine, not public property up for discussion and not for anyone with a white coat to come along and examine.

My MIL is a gossip and a drama queen and she had a field day talking about me to every single person who would listen and she quiet happily rang up to tell me all the things that they had talked about and the conclusions they had reached about what was "wrong" with me.

Even now, just under five years since we lost our son, just over four years since we lost our daughter and almost three years since we were lucky enough to have our living son, all of this upsets me.

So even though I understand the OP's husband needing some support from someone, I don't think the OP needs this kicking that she is getting from some of the posters on here for feeling hurt and upset that the first thing he did, immediately after she told him she wanted to keep it quiet for a short time, was to immediately tell someone else and then lie to her about it.

august I hope you haven't been scared off by the responses and that you have some great RL support.i can whole heartedly recommend SANDS for keeping me sane throughout my last pregnancy following the earlier loss of my son.

There are also many many support threads on MN I hope you find one that gives you some comfort.

Please don't think I am defending your husband against you, I simply trying to see this from both sides because more than anything you are going to need each other over the coming months and arguing over this is not going to help. If of course this behaviour is the tip of the iceberg and he is in fact a wanker then please feel free to ignore me and perhaps post again in relationships for some advice.

In the spirit of seeing things from both sides is it possible that he understood your request to "take things slowly" as a general let's not get too excited/rush and buy a pram/cancel that holiday that was booked for 6 mths hence type comment rather than an express request not to tell anyone?

I really don't feel it is appropriate to get into a slanging match with anyone given the subject matter but athing'i just can't imagine your repeatedly telling the OP that her DH, someone she has presumably chosen to have a much longed for baby with is helpful at this particular juncture.

august I wish you all the very best.

Having just read noones post I apologies absolutely unreservedly if any of my posts in support of the DH have come across as giving the OP a kicking for being hurt.

He is being VUR considering the circumstances

Poor you, Im really sorry for your little boy :(

is there any chance that your DH may just be really really happy and had to share with some one? Is he close with the boss? Perhaps the boss had been asking how you were, he I presume, knew about your son?

And that last comment should have read

I really don't think it is appropriate to get into a slanging match given the subject matter but athing I just can't imagine you repeatedly telling the OP that her DH, someone she has presumably chosen to have a much longed for baby with, is a dick and and entitled wanker is helpful at this juncture.

athing "I love how man-worshipping women treat women's biology as an inconvenient aside in arguments like this."

haha what nonsense - you know nothing about me and my ability to think a child means as much to a Father as it does a Mother makes me "man worshipping" yeh

"Yes, the fact that a woman's body is carrying a pregnancy makes that pregnancy more to do with her than with anyone else, even the person whose seconds-long orgasm fertilised her egg."

Well of course it does - but since I was talking about emotions of parenthood and not who the actual pregnancy has more to do with then your point is a bit irrelevant.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes I am so sorry for the loss of your children

SaraBellumHertz you've made exactly the case here that I was going to try to, although I'm certain I would have been far less eloquent and sensible. Our loss was dc1, a dd, it took 7 years nearly before we felt able to try again. When we found out I was pregnant I know that dh confided in someone very, very early on, although I admit, I didn't go rummaging through his mobile to find that out, my dh told me.

He was obviously so elated he had to tell someone! And it sounds like he feels his boss would be understanding. Perhaps you should have actually said "please don't tell anyone else yet", and then he wouldn't be in trouble. I can understand you feel a bit miffed, but I don't think it is the end of the world. He had every right to be cross with YOU for looking at his mobile phone messages...now that's unreasonable.

I suspect the reason he was behaving oddly and lied to and then reacted badly to you finding out were that really he knew quite well that perhaps he shouldn't have done it and knew you would be upset (which to me seems that even though his behaviour and reaction was hurtful at such a vulnerable time for you) he is not actually such a fit as some people here are saying; just understandably finding his emotions at this time a bit hard to deal with.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to upset or to have hoped he would be more considerate of your feelings; and though I can also understand why he might have wanted support himself I do think perhaps he could have waited - - replied to you first perhaps even...! I don't think there's much to be gained by continuing to fight about it. Hopefully if, as his behaviour suggests, he knows he was in the wrong, he may be more respectful from now. You need to pull together.

Good luck with your pregnancy.