to think DH was wrong to tell his boss I'm pg?

[AugustMoon]

.... Within minutes of me POAS.
If you've seen me before you might know that our baby boy was stillborn last year. I am recently pg again and obviously anxious. I found out on the 8th December and have not wanted to tell anybody about it until after 12 weeks. DH has never seen the point of not telling people straight away but I believed he would feel the same as me this time. I told him 'it's early days so please can we take it slowly' and he agreed.
However, I was just ordering Chinese on his phone as my battery was dead and, as he's been acting quite strange recently, thought I would look through his messages. Nothing untoward except I see a message to his boss saying 'just found out this morning DW is pg' written literally minutes after I had sent him z photo of my bfp.
I feel betrayed, he says I have no right to feel angry, that I should feel 'curious' about why he told his boss and when I said it should have been something between us only he says it has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with how I feel because I should have asked him how he felt about it.
I just want to scream. He maintains he's done nothing wrong.
Sorry if disjointed, on my phone and crying.

It is tricky as you both suffered a loss af a baby, did your husband's boss go on to have another baby.

your husband may be scared about losing another baby and confided in his boss.

kittensmakemesqueee - huh? Are you suggesting that the child isn't the OP's husband's?

Um where did you read that?!

I don't think you're being fair. You don't want to tell people in case something goes wrong, fair enough. But he has also suffered through your experience and wants to deal with this new pregnancy differently. Why should it be just your choice, for you to tell him he can't talk to a friend, that he can't ask for support from someone else? Its not fair.

The Op's dh is NOT pregnant. Her doctor would not be allowed to share the news as it is to do only with the OP's body. No one elses.

It is both their child though, the OP's husband suffered the same loss and will have the same mixed feelings about this new pregnancy, she has mumsnet for support so I don't think it is terrible that he is looking to a friend for support although I am a bit surprised that he would do it so quickly after she told him the news.

It isn't a child yet though. It is a fetus living in the Op's body. She could choose to abort- she doesn't need her dh's opinion on the subject. FWIW I would probably let the dh tell a few people for support but at the end of the day it really is her decision.

No, her DH is not pregnant. He has however also lost a child, and has feelings of his own. Men often get overlooked in this area, as if they don't suffer too.

hmmm... you have told 'your' people (albeit 1 week on) but don't want him to tell anyone?

Also can you clarify... when was the discussion/request for him to keep quiet? If he text within 5mins of you POAS, was this immediately after the discussion, right before it, or was this agreed ages ago?

I think you might be being a little unreasonable. Make it clear that in worst case scenario he must tell whoever he has told (hope that makes sense), and quietly - not involving you.

Sorry for your loss

Yanbu,
But
I think it's actually quite good that he has someone to talk to to take the pressure a little bit off you. Sometimes it's useful to know that your DH can talk about stuff to a trusted other. And if it's a colleague (don't forget a boss is still a close colleague he spends time with) then there is some understanding of what he is/isn't going through, whatever happens.

I think sometimes it can be useful to tell those close to you either way because, (from personal exp) it can help either way. If things didnt work out you both also deserve some understanding and sympathy for what's going on in your lives from those close to you. privacy excepted of course.

Very best of luck for your Preg though

So - you snooped through his phone, you didn't want him to tell anyone, yet you have told your mum and your sister and your friend and half a million mumsnetters and you feel betrayed?

You have both suffered a loss. I would imagine that, having gone through a similar loss, your dh's boss was perhaps very supportive at the time. Perhaps he even understands the stress of ttc again after such a loss, because let's face it, ttc is a stressful enough time as it is (or can be) without the added pressure of trying to conceive and the additional anxiety that an impending pregnancy must cause - even before the pregnancy has even occurred.

Perhaps your dh's boss knew you were ttc, and again, there is IMO nothing wrong with that. women confide in their friends/mn when they are ttc, there is even a ttc after mc thread on here for people to do just that.

So in truth, is it any different to a poster posting here that she is going to poas and to post it to mumsnet before telling her dh? I'm not sure that it is.

You 'hoped he would feel the same' this time about not telling people but had you actually said so, or discussed this? His feelings might have moved the other way through anxiety.

Personally though, I think telling people before 12 weeks is a crazy idea, unless they are very close and needed for support. You say your DH 'has never seen the point of not telling people' which is one thing if just an opinion held quietly while respecting your different opinion but, if that means he will disregard your wishes and just tell people because he's right and your opinion is irrelevant... then I wouldn't have told him til 12 weeks. Not healthy either way but trampling on your feelings because he places his above yours would have bothered me immensely.

Does telling his boss actually affect you though? You wouldn't even know if you hadn't read his messages. You have made a rule that works for you, but it presumably wasn't what he wanted. I imagine your anger and upset may be a consequence of how anxious you are understandably feeling, rather than just about what he's done.

wannabe I told my sister a week or so after finding out. My DH knew this. I didn't tell my mum, she guessed a couple of days ago having seen me not drinking at Xmas. DH told another friend and as I said, I was fine with that. I am upset because he told hid boss within minutes of me telling him. And then lied about it.

Kittens - I was trying to understand the relevance of your statements. Of course, pregnancy happens only to women, and only she is the carrier of the zygote, embryo, foetus, baby (whatever it is to whoever it matters to). But that is a separate albeit related issue to a doctor not being free to disclose a woman's pregnancy, or a woman being able to decide unilaterally on whether to abort or not. As other posters suggest, both times round the OP's DH's loss is none the lesser than (albeit different from) the OP's. Carrying and growing a child (or whatever you want to call it) and being a parent or future parent should not be conflated. People deal with things differently. Suggesting that the OP needn't even tell her DH that she is pregnant with his child is, absent any further relevant details, disrespectful of the DH's loss last year and also imputes a schism between OP and her DH that we do not know exists.

As for the issue itself, this must be a hugely sensitive time for OP and her DH, after last year's tragedy. It seems as though perhaps there has been some level of breakdown of communication or understanding. Or perhaps the loss suffered by both parties was so intensely felt on both sides that they find it impossible to agree on the matter of disclosing this pregnancy. Either way, DH could perhaps have been more understanding of OP, and perhaps OP could be more understanding of DH? But it is easy to imagine how slights can be easily inflicted and profoundly felt in such an emotionally stressed situation.

I am very sorry for your loss last year, OP, and wish you every success this year.

I think he's probably shitting himself. I presume that he felt the loss of your child just as deeply as you did. And you being pregnant again, while a wonderful thing must be quite scary for him, even if he is excited. He might just want someone to talk to, someone who has been in a similar position, hence his boss.

I think you were wrong to demand he can't tell anyone, especially if he is still harbouring fears about what happened to your DC. He has emotions too and probably doesn't want to burden you with his fears during the pregnancy.

I understand why your upset but please try and think about it from his position.
I am sorry for the loss of your DS and I hope everything goes well for you both this time.

Augustmoon he just desperately wanted to share it with someone, and presumably someone he'd talked to before about the whole situation. I'm sure he hid it once he realised how adamant you were about not telling anyone.

You need eachother just now, it would be a shame to stay angry with him for long.

YANBU! It is up to you if and when you tell people about your own medical condition. Of course he has feelings about this pregnancy as well as the earlier loss, but his feelings do not trump your own, as the person who is actually pregnant.

Congratulations!

Thanks all for putting this in perspective. I guess I should consider his feelings more although it does seem he didn't consider mine. He knew very well that I wouldn't want to tell anyone straight away. He knew this in my last pg and disregarded my feelings then and told his family before I told mine. I was really upset then. I was very ill and something didnt feel right. It's all a bit different this time. On one hand we need more support and on the other I feel a bit detached and very much still grieving the loss of our child so finding it hard to accept there might be an actual baby. He doesn't get that I don't think.

YABU, your DH has just as much right to confide in his friends and family and you do yours. You may not know his boss well, but clearly your DH confides in him about that subject and they have supported each other over their losses.

YABU in particular for phone snooping "as he's been acting quite strange recently".

I think you need to start trusting your DH and treating him as an equal in the pregnancy / parenthood experience.

August, I don't know your relationship but could it be he was trying to protect you and 'be strong' for you, whilst confiding his fears to his boss. I assume it is still very raw for both of you, which compounds the feelings and makes it feel like a betrayal, when in his mind he feels that if you can talk to your sister then why can't he talk to someone who has been able to support him.

It sounds like you just have different support networks, and while you are upset, he hasn't been advertising it from billboards, he may have just been seeking his own support while coming to terms with everything you both have been through. I think he should be able to speak to someone when this pregnancy is bound to throw up a range of feelings for him, as well as you.

Im sorry for you and your DHs loss.

But when you say "He knew very well that I wouldn't want to tell anyone straight away" I cant help but think "did you ask him what he wanted". Im not being unkind but I do agree that mens feelings often get pushed aside in favour of the womens feelings - and it takes 2 to make a baby.

August I don't think yabu at all. As you know our current situation and previous losses are very similar. I think it's hard for other people to understand the very different emotions involved in falling pregnant after you have lost a child. It is sadly not an ordinary pregnancy. I would have thought dh could have respected your wishes just to keep it to yourselves for a few days while you tried to process some of those emotions privately. I didn't tell my mum for nearly 5 days - with dd1 and 2 I told her immediately.

Yes of course he has a right to share his feelings on the pregnancy with a close friend but would it have killed him to say 'I'd really like to talk to x about this do you mind'. By lying about it afterwards to me also says he knew you wouldn't be very happy.

Hi whatever I'm going to pm you

Telling anybody about your wife's pregnancy within minutes of learning of a positive pregnancy test is odd.

He has totally disregarded your feelings and your privacy about your pregnancy, and he had told you that you are not entitled to those feelings and that your pregnancy and who knows about it are none of your business.

I'm surprised anyone can think the person whose feelings are being disregarded here are his.

But of course, he's a man and their feelings are just so much more important.