to think DH was wrong to tell his boss I'm pg?

[AugustMoon]

.... Within minutes of me POAS.
If you've seen me before you might know that our baby boy was stillborn last year. I am recently pg again and obviously anxious. I found out on the 8th December and have not wanted to tell anybody about it until after 12 weeks. DH has never seen the point of not telling people straight away but I believed he would feel the same as me this time. I told him 'it's early days so please can we take it slowly' and he agreed.
However, I was just ordering Chinese on his phone as my battery was dead and, as he's been acting quite strange recently, thought I would look through his messages. Nothing untoward except I see a message to his boss saying 'just found out this morning DW is pg' written literally minutes after I had sent him z photo of my bfp.
I feel betrayed, he says I have no right to feel angry, that I should feel 'curious' about why he told his boss and when I said it should have been something between us only he says it has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with how I feel because I should have asked him how he felt about it.
I just want to scream. He maintains he's done nothing wrong.
Sorry if disjointed, on my phone and crying.

I think people are forgetting thing that there two pregnancies. One that resulted in a lost child for which the Op's husband has every right to seek help wherever he needs it from..and the current pregnancy which is hers and her alone to share until she is ready.

Whatevertheweather, do you think it helps her in the long run when people say she is completely not being unreasonable and her dh is a selfish twat? The most unreasonable comments have come from people implying a partner is basically a sperm donor and has no feelings when he loses a baby.

Absolutely hear hear, noonesgoingtoeatyoureyes. I'm at some of the hostility towards the op.

Although I agree, nobody needs to quite so forceful with their YANBU's that they call her DH a twat and I really hope nobody has suggested he doesn't or shouldn't care about the son they lost.

The baby is equally theirs, emotionally they are both facing a minefield of hope and worry, but physically the pregnancy is hers alone.

Being a bit gentler towards both of them would do no harm on this thread.

The OP hasn't kep the pregnancy quiet though - she told her sister only a few days later.
The best thing they can both do is talk this out and leave it behind them with some understanding of why each has acted as they have. Carrying on as if she is exclusively right and he is wrong is hugely unhelpful to their relationship. I don't understand at all why she should want do that or why some posters want to encourage her in that course of action.

Igggi I haven't seen any posts implying her dh has no feelings when he loses a baby at all. I've seen some words twisted to imply he's no more than a sperm donor but no-one has actually said that. Of course everyone is entitled to their opinion of whether she is being unreasonable I just think the way in which some people have put that across is far too vitriolic and downright nasty considering the situation.

Right now August will be feeling the weight of responsibility to get their baby here safely. It's a huge responsibility at the best of times and is massively magnified when you have previously lost a baby at full term and I think she is entitled to a little freak out. She was upset with her dh, she hasn't thrown him out or anything dramatic. I'm sure we've all got upset with people when we are emotional or hormonal. I still think there should have been a conversation between the two of them before anyone was told.

I don't accept that this pregnancy is hers and hers alone. They made it happen together.

Telling one close confident does sound like taking it slowly, especially when his instincts would be to share it with everyone, but he only told one close friend. I don't think this thread is about who was told or not, it's just about (still, understandably) coming to grips with the past bereavement.

Well, she told her sister after it was confirmed.

He told his boss before it was confirmed, when they were still trying to work out if the test was positive or not and before they had even spoken properly to each other about it.

That makes a big difference.

She had to do five more tests before she felt certain she was pregnant, then still waited a week or so before she told her sister and her DH told another man (not his boss) and she knew about him doing that and understood he might have needed support.

She checked his phone when she shouldn't have and realised that the boss had been told before the first test was even dry and that her DH hadn't told her the truth about what the boss knows.

OP and her DH do need to have a good talk together, I agree with you there. But again, telling her so in a gentle way is surely possible given that her first post stated she is already in tears about the whole thing.

hers and hers alone? Did she knock herself up, via parthonogenesis or somesuch?
Not entirely hers alone.

I said 'physically' it is hers alone, that makes a big difference to the context of what I meant.

Making it happen together is very different to being pregnant and being the partner of someone who is pregnant is very different to being pregnant yourself.

I was actually referring to kittens post, but my principle stands.

I was pregnant. My DH was not pregnant. We were both expecting the same baby but only one of us was actually pregnant.

The physical pregnancy is only physically experienced by the person who is pregnant. The emotional side of the pregnancy is shared by both parents.

I was actually referring to ragged's post, but my principle stands too.

And the hostility to the OP's DH is just as

What possible benefit is there to trying to convince a bereaved Mother who is almost certainly terrified about her future pregnancy that her DH, who might well be her strongest supporter is an entitled prick/wanker/whatever?

It smacks of pushing your own anti man agenda and it unhelpful.

Yes, that much is startling obvious. I don't really get your point, I imagine the man in question realises he is not pregnant, and doesn't want to talk about her physical experience but his emotional experience.

I found when we had our loss my husband was almost totally ignored, as if he wasn't a part of it at all. He was as scared as I was on our next pregnancy, I wouldn't have dreamed of ordering his silence and forbidding him to talk to his friends about his feelings. I find that appalling.

Mo one has suggested a man is physically pregnant. I'm sure where all this talk about men not being physically pregnant has come from

We all agree that men are emotionally involved in a pregnancy so why on earth are they not permitted to seek an outlet for those emotions?

Agree absolutely paranoid

It is difficult to articulate but in many ways I think DH struggled more in the aftermath of our loss because not only were his feelings largely ignored but because he was so fucking terrified for me on top of his own grief/stress/hurt.

We are going in circles.

Nobody suggested he never speak of her pregnancy, but before she was even certain she was pregnant he was texting the news to his boss. All she wanted was for him to wait for the scan, it's not an unreasonable thing to ask.

My DH had his fair share of being totally ignored too, and that upset us both. It's not fair and I wouldn't condone it. Both parents have lost their child.

I've been emphasising that the OP is the one going through the physical pregnancy (and the physical side of their loss) because people keep saying "did you knock yourself up then? Immaculate conception eh?" etc to her and since I know all too well the feeling of having my body hijacked by everyone the second I conceived, something that went on right through my pregnancy, I sympathise with the OP for not wanting her DH's boss to know about it before she was certain the text was even positive and before she and her DH had had a chance to speak about it together.

People are saying they should talk, and they should. But the first person she told when she suspected she was pregnant was her DH, the first person he spoke to about it, above and beyond the OP, was his boss. That's bound to have hurt and upset her.

He's feeling this emotionally, she's feeling it emotionally and physically. A little understanding of both wouldn't go amiss on this thread.

but she didn't ask, she "presumed he would think the same as her" which he didn't apparently. They should have talked more about it.

Yes they should have talked about it more. But before he even got home, before they knew the test was positive, before she had the chance to see him in person and say lets wait a week or two before we tell anyone, he had already told his boss about it.

And that's why she is upset. Because he didn't give her the chance to talk to him about it, obviously assuming that she would want his boss to be the first to know before she was even certain herself.

Which doesn't make him the ogre he has been made out to be. But it doesn't make her unreasonable to be upset about it either.

She did not give him a chance to talk to her she sent him a text msg, I wonder what his reaction, MY DP would be livid if after all we went through I text a msg like that to him
There is obviously crossed wires, miscommunication, fear and happiness on both sides and those emotions mixed are not always good, mix in hormones and it is a recipe for a serious row

TheParanoidAndroid
When men get the right to determine equally if a woman keeps a pregnancy-

when men get the right to determine how a woman should seek treatment while pregnant

When men suffer morning sickness

When a man's contribution to a pregnancy is more than spunking up her

Then he is equal in a pregnancy.

Her dh is not just a sperm donor no one has said he is. But the fact remains that his contribution to a pregnancy is the same as any sperm donors.

If he had waited 10 minutes to discuss the situation with his wife he would have known she wasn't happy with her situation being discussed with people.

If I get raped I guarantee dh will suffer as a result of it. It would not give him the right to discuss it with out my permission. The same as if I had cancer.

She sent him a text with a picture of the test because she couldn't make it out, saying "what do you think?" and he thought "I'll tell my boss she's pregnant." That was his chance to talk to her and he didn't take it.

He didn't give either of them a chance to talk together or make sure the test was right, he just rushed off to let his boss know.

The first and second times I was pregnant I had to tell my DH by phone, circumstances meant I had no choice, I couldn't wait until he eventually came home. It's not ideal but I've seen people post test photo's to forums saying "I'm not sure, does this look like a positive to you?" because you can't save them for later when someone is with you and guarantee the result will be accurate.

She did her best to be inclusive of him while he was out, in a way that might not be the way others would ideally choose, but he didn't show her the same concern and chose to speak to his boss before he spoke properly to his wife.

Kittens, its not a Pro-Choice rally, its a fucking relationship. How about some perspective?

Your analogies are as bizarre as they are revolting.

It's not about pro choice.

Pro choice depends on a woman's inalienable right to privacy- that's what I am defending. her right to privacy.

And his rights are?

But thats the point, its not about rights, its a relationship, not a political stance. Both partners should be able to access support if they need it. One doesn't get to order the other one around and decide what they can talk about.