to think DH was wrong to tell his boss I'm pg?

[AugustMoon]

.... Within minutes of me POAS.
If you've seen me before you might know that our baby boy was stillborn last year. I am recently pg again and obviously anxious. I found out on the 8th December and have not wanted to tell anybody about it until after 12 weeks. DH has never seen the point of not telling people straight away but I believed he would feel the same as me this time. I told him 'it's early days so please can we take it slowly' and he agreed.
However, I was just ordering Chinese on his phone as my battery was dead and, as he's been acting quite strange recently, thought I would look through his messages. Nothing untoward except I see a message to his boss saying 'just found out this morning DW is pg' written literally minutes after I had sent him z photo of my bfp.
I feel betrayed, he says I have no right to feel angry, that I should feel 'curious' about why he told his boss and when I said it should have been something between us only he says it has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with how I feel because I should have asked him how he felt about it.
I just want to scream. He maintains he's done nothing wrong.
Sorry if disjointed, on my phone and crying.

Git not fit. Damn autocorrect. Also bracket in weird place there, sorry...

Kicking was probably the wrong word, sorry.

I just remember how I felt going through all that and how my MIL discussing it with everyone or being questioned by everyone made it all worse and I think I understand how desperate and panicked the OP must feel having a virtual stranger to her know something she wanted to keep quiet.

We tried so hard to conceive again after we lost our son, yet when I got the positive result I cried and thought people would judge me for replacing him, and I worried that he would know and feel replaced.

When we lost our daughter and conceived again I didn't even tell DH for a week, not until I felt I could cope with my own reaction, let alone everyone else's.

Some people here might argue that I had no right to keep it from him for that week and I can't possibly explain the feelings I had that made it necessary for me to do it. But I didn't want to announce another pregnancy in floods of tears or have it poked over by MIL (we were staying with her at the time) until I was ready to have people know.

Neither the OP nor her DH deserves a kicking, and I accept she didn't get one, but the arguing about "it's not just you" is a tricky one because in many ways, it is just her.

You need to remember us men are simple creatures at heart. Perhaps rather than asking about it with a bunch of strangers on the Internet you should perhaps have a heart to heart with your dh. having lost a daughter to anacephaly I can understand that as a father /prospective father finding out your OH is preggers brings a veritable avalanche of emotions couple that to your previous loss and your DH is most likely an emotional wreck having a fellow bloke who has experienced a similar loss he most likely sees his boss as a sounding board for worries etc that he won't want to raise with you. Your Dh most likely wants to keep his boss in the loop perhaps worried about any time off may be counted against him at work

When we lost our daughter I found it very difficult to discuss it with my wife and to an extent I still do so please remember we (men) tend to have difficulty discussing our feelings with our partners and maybe your man sees his boss as someone he can confide and lean on fe support that he feels he doesn't war to lay that burden on you

Well if OP's DH does want to know how it feels to be excluded from events he's actually going the right way about it - if anyone, perhaps especially my own DH, took this attitude to being a 'key person' in the pregnancy I was undergoing they would not remain privy to my medical situation much longer, tbh.

He sounds like a complete twat.

If he wants to push the OP away, to make her feel pushed into having a 'public' pregnancy before she is ready, he'll end up with her pushing him away simply out of self-preservation. Which she will be, in a legal/medical sense, perfectly able and entitled to do, because no matter what the defenders say on this thread, it's she who is pregnant and the bottom line is that she is and should be the 'gatekeeper' to that. Anything less is a horrid violation.

He might be allowed to tell people but he should not have done it behind her back.

I personally would hate people I didn't know having personal knowledge if my medical status as it were. Plus having to explain if things go wrong. I wouldn't want to have to explain to dh's boss if I met him at a social.

Problem here is the op's h went behind her back.

OF my medical status I meant.

Actually a woman's feelings about her pregnancy are more important than anyone else's.

Let's just cut the sperm donor right out of the equation then eh??
Physically you might have a point.
But emotionally you do not!

How do you separate physical and emotional feelings about a pregnancy?

Sounds like bullshit to me.

Or are you suggesting that my husband should be just as upset about his non-existent nausea and the effect it isn't having on his job as I am about my actual nausea?

athing maybe not your nausea but surely he has as right to be just as hurt/confused/upset over the loss of his son? And as much right to be worried/concerned/anxious about any future pregnancy, the outcome of the same and the effect that might have on his DW?

nonone I am not sure it is helpful to lump a father who has suffered his own bereavement informing someone he is close to whomhas been in a very similar position in with your mil who clearly got off on the ability to gossip about the drama surrounding your very sad losses.

athing I dont think youre getting it somehow.....its not about separating emotional and physical feelings, since a woman is the only one capable of being pregnant it really goes without saying that she experiences the physical signs like nausea - but since the whole point of pregnancy is to produce a healthy baby at the end of the 9 months that sadly some parents don't get to achieve then both parents will have their own emotional experiences of a pregnancy.

Nausea is physical and the condition of feeling certain kinds of empathy via physical channels might be very very real....you're underestimating it and at the very least not understanding your partners feelings by putting your pain before his.

On an emotional side both parents have the right to feel the same and indeed they do.

It would be strange to suggest otherwise.

I think it was reasonable of OP's DH to tell a close friend, especially given the history. I feel it's unreasonable of OP to feel that she has the right to control who he confides in.
The burdens & extra worries of this pregnancy will be easier to bear the more people you both have on tap for support.

Sara - he can be as worried/concerned/anxious as he wants, but that still doesn't mean that he is pregnant or that his feelings about the pregnancy should override those of the person who is actually pregnant.

Being nasty and aggressive towards his wife and telling her it is none of her business who knows about her pregnancy is appalling.

And he did this before, before he ever lost a baby, so putting his feelings ahead of hers can't be attributed solely to that.

I feel very sorry for your dh tbh. He's obviously got support in his bearevement from this man and wanted to continue getting that support in this new, very frightening stage of your lives. I think you have quite a nerve actually OP - you told him not to tell anyone then told your sister just a few days later? As for checking his phone messages - words fail me. What the hell is wromg with you? You and your dh need to talk a lot more or your behaviour and his acceptance of it - because he isn't really challenging you is he? Just rather passively letting you rant at him - will force you apart.

Maybe not Sara but it's also not helpful to start a "it's his baby too" bunfight on a thread where the OP is so upset. I know AIBU can get quite forceful but surely when the subject is so sensitive it wouldn't hurt to hold back once in a while and be a bit more gentle while you say YABU.

And I wasn't "lumping" him in, I was empathising with the OP based on my own experiences and explaining my own strong reaction.

Actually fogfish my DH would never in a million years look for sympathy for someone else's nausea.

Not being an utter cunt and all.

Wow Northern - loads of concern for a man who is nasty to his pregnant wife, but a good telling off for a newly pregnant woman who had a stillbirth.

Charming. FFS.

She told her sister a week after her BFP with his knowledge and agreement, he told his boss minutes after the BFP and lied about it.

Yeah, the fucking cheek of her not wanting a man she barely knows in on her pregnancy before she has even come to terms with the news herself.

The op asked for views. That's mine. He hasn't been nasty to her. Is he reading her phone messages? No. Is he making arbitrary rules as he goes along about who may or may not be a support to them? No. He told her she should want to know why he told this man and he's right she should. I don't think we're doing her any favours sugar-coating it. She's not behaving well and they've some very stressful months ahead. There's a lot more honesty needed here. I don't even think it's fair to say he lied to her about it - she asked what he'd said and he said 'a check up' - she has assumed that meant boss didn't know BUT that's her assumption. Her dh told her the truth.

I don't think anyone has started an "it's his baby bunfight".

I and others have encouraged the OP to see that perhaps due to her circumstances she is very sensitive to things that she might otherwise not be and to get her to try and appreciate the situation from the perspective that her DH might have his own worries in addition to being very concerned about her (thus precluding him from discussing his worries with her) rather than encourage her to view her DH as an abusive, wanker who couldn't careless about her. Hardly a perspective that can be in any way helpful given the extraordinarily stressful position that they currently find themselves in.

If the OP was to come back and say that her DH is always a twat and this is the last in a longline of crappy behaviour then my advice would of course be different but a little bit of consideration for the fact that both the OP and her DH have been through a truly dreadful time wouldn't go amiss.

I would be happier for DP to tell his boss then for him to tell family or people we see daily, that way there is support at work if needed [and in this case empathy and understanding from the boss] and I would not have to deal with the intrusion of close friends or family who feel that they have a right to wreak my head an opinion and a concern and possibly a say in our choices until I was ready and would tell them about the pregnancy.
Oh and I did ask DP did he keep the fact that we were preg with DD a secret until 12 weeks as we discussed he said no he told his work partner, fair enough I had told my sis and sworn her to secrecy which proves we both needed emotional support and an out let to talk outside of our relationships and tbh I am sure we were better people emotionally for it.

No wonder men are so marginalised.

what the actual fuck???? In what world do you live in Trois??????????

Men's pain is just so much more deeply felt.

I think we've all learnt an important lesson here today about who matters and who needs a telling off for forgetting that.

I know this is aibu but I really think those who think she ibu could say so in a more gentle way. She has not committed any great crime, she is recently bereaved and newly pregnant. There is no need for some of this vitriol. There are a lot of assumptions being made and perhaps the fact that August hasn't been back today is because she realises that aibu is probably not the right place for her right now

Some people on this thread have a major axe to grind. Athing I think it is really objectionable how you have put words into the DH's mouth and called him aggressive - are you going on knowledge of the OP's dh that the rest of us don't have?

But they have Sara.

All this talk of men being marginalised and treated as sperm donors? Feeling sorry for the OP's DH and saying she will force them apart? Asking what the hell is wrong with her? Bunfight.

What's wrong with her is that she is pregnant following a loss, scared and feeling very much that she needs to keep the pregnancy private for awhile.

She may or may not be wrong to feel that way, may or may not be wrong to ask her DH to keep the pregnancy a secret too, but speaking from my own experiences I can understand why she does. I was so superstitious in my second and third pregnancies, scared at every scan that they would say our baby had died (which is how we found out our son was dead) that I convinced myself that having the scan would in itself be the reason we would lose our other children. That the baby would be okay only until someone looked at it to check it was alright, that by looking we would guarantee to lose them. Pregnancy after a loss is absolutely fraught with emotions for both parents but only one parent is also coping with all the physical effects, and it wouldn't hurt anyone to be a bit gentler on the OP.

Lots of people want to keep a pregnancy a secret until the twelve week scan. Lots of people want to find out the sex at the scan, or not find out until the birth. I've seen threads on here about both of those things and there is always this "his baby too, you have no right..." argument. When there is conflict between both parents in either of these issues then someone is always going to be unhappy or find it necessary to compromise and do as the other parent wishes. But in a situation like this I don't think anyone needs to be so strident or forceful with their YABU's as some have been on this thread.