to need to say these things to children's TV characters?

[FannyPriceless]

Fat Controller: Your railway is in a terrible state of disrepair. Your rolling stock needs urgent maintenance. The number of brake failures and derailments is way above average. You are Potters Bar waiting to happen. Do something now.

Tombliboos: You need to get some better elastic for your trousers.

De Li, Yojojo, et al: A sentence includes an article. Subject-verb-noun does not cut it.

Baby Jake's brother - stop bloody shouting all the time.

Tombliboos - Are you colour-blind or something? How hard it is to tell which are your trousers?

Entire cast of ITNG: When the Ponk Alert sounds, why don't you just lie on the ground instead of sitting on your chairs? You fall on to the floor every fucking time anyway, why don't you learn?!

Waybaloo bug-eyed things: That giant space between your eyes seems the perfect place to plant a foot.

Ben Elf: If you continue to blow that trumpet in people's faces, someone is going to get very cross and shove it in another orifice.

@ yank's boot print on a waybuloos forehead

YY Tombliboos - what IS that "juice" exactly?

Ah yes, the Tweenies...why are they not just real people?!!!!

Oooh the Tweenies

Bella, you are a bossy, spoilt brat and they are all slightly scared of you as you're so tall

Milo, you're mature, sensible and lovely (apart from that one where you nipped Bella). Can you come and live here please?

Fizz, you need to stop hanging around with Bella, or you'll end up like she is. Hang around with Milo.

Jake, I know it's frustrating when you're the youngest and can't do what the others can do. You'll get there, keep at it.

waybulloo creatures - you might be able to do yogo, but how do you feed yourselves, or wash yourselves, or wipe your bums?

To Bongo and the other inhabitants of jungle junction: 'Why do you no longer know your way around the junction, when you used to get around just fine? Has there been a mass case of amnesia?

Special Agent Oso - I hate you. That is all.

Did anyone hear Fireman Sam being interviewed on Radio 1 last November? He was brill - admitted that his village is somewhat of an insurance black spot when it comes to fires.

Well at least he admitted it ceebie. It's no wonder he's so bloody good at putting them out when there's been so many.

@ Stealth talking to the Tweenies

Nina, from Nina and The Neurons (ok, I know she isn't a cartoon but still):
I saw you in the Cbeebies panto and you looked lovely. Bunches are NOT a good look on anyone over the age of 6. Please stop!

Oh, you never said "cartoon characters" anyway! I didn't break any rules then, hooray!

Curious George - he's not curious he's a little shot

Hate that programme with a passion

Bob- why do all your machines have obvious self-esteem issues? What are you saying to them when the cameras stop rolling?

I would echo a previous poster and ask why there are so many red-haired children in Greendale? C'mon Pat, just what did you get up to in your wilderness years?

Also, Raa-raa and Crocky- you're predators. When are you going to eat all the other animals and fall into a loooong looong sleep that lasts at least until DS has grown up?

Noooooooooooooooo! I love Curious George. The weird little noises he makes remind me of DS (7months).

Granny Murray, are you breaching the EU laws on working hours? Your childminding business seems to be open 24/7.

Shellington from Octonauts: what are you? I think you are a koala because of your nose, but you have a long tail. My DS thinks you are a monkey.

Teletubbies, do the golfers on the golf course you live on ever accidentally lose their balls down the roof entrance to your house?

Mr Bloom, ah Mr Bloom, my heart broke when I found out your NW accent wasn't real. I've had to go back to Big Chris.

Big Chris, I think it's time you moved out of Rusty, stopped living on doughnuts and pizza and grew up a tad. I can help you in this, we'll share all the chores fur and squer.

Little Princess - I hope you, your family and lackeys get shot in a dank cellar like the Romanovs, you spoilt brat.

"Granny Murray, are you breaching the EU laws on working hours? Your childminding business seems to be open 24/7."

And you never have a registration certificate displayed! How you've never been reported to Ofsted is beyond me!

Kwazii - why do you wear an eyepatch when you still have two eyes?

Big; What's with all the passive aggression towards Small eh? Bit of a bully are we?

Raymond, when not working on the train would you please stop dressing like Quentin Crisp? It makes your marriage to Tina look like a sham.

Big Cook and Little Cook, how do you keep on getting customers when your dishes have to be cooked from scratch and sometimes take over an hour in the oven and Little Cook often has to leave the cafe to source the ingredients? No wonder you only get paid in kind (i.e. with shite).

muffin-stop talking such utter rubbish with me this and me that.ive met very few kids that speak like that

the kangaroo in city of friends-shut up.your endless wittering is enough to make anyone move.very far away

mr maker-you dont have nrilliant ideas-you are making my recycling bin way too full.i am not prepared to be vilified for refusing to buy endless googly eyes and air drying clay

katie-i love your cooking but please,please stop singing

justin-the increasing amount of time you spent dressed i womens clothes is being a concern

Sportacus - yes PLEASE!