to need to say these things to children's TV characters?

[FannyPriceless]

Fat Controller: Your railway is in a terrible state of disrepair. Your rolling stock needs urgent maintenance. The number of brake failures and derailments is way above average. You are Potters Bar waiting to happen. Do something now.

Tombliboos: You need to get some better elastic for your trousers.

De Li, Yojojo, et al: A sentence includes an article. Subject-verb-noun does not cut it.

Mister Maker: Please stop popping out to the craft shop in a journey that lasts 2 seconds. Can I venture to suggest that if it can't be made of an old washing up bottle, but instead requires copious quantities of specially purchased material, you don't make it?

And watch Katy cooking - notice how she always clears up after herself? And even has a song for the cleaning up bit? You make just as much mess painting as cooking and someone has to clean up afterwards.

Big Cook and Little Cook: That's not cooking, that's arranging food in the shape of a face. Every time.

I am wetting myself at this, especially as Mr B has just come on!

There was an episode of the Hive that had me fuming! The boys went into the shop, the WOMAN spilt some honey, asked the boys to clean it up and left the shop to go and get some more! On the way back she chats to her friends, goes to the park, does some errands, all the while leaving two boys to clean up HER mess in a shop with sweets in, and then goes mental at them for eating the sweets!! It was your fucking mess and it's your fucking shop!!!!

Abney and Teal - you have an eating disorder. You are probably malnourished and lacking in essential vitamins and minerals. Please let other food groups enter your life.

Mr Maker - the only shop in my local area which could remotely be described as an 'arts and crafts shop' is a 30 minute car journey each way. And while we're at it, why would you want to make something 'in a minute'? It looks shite and will fall apart in seconds. Did your parents not teach you that it's worth doing a job properly?

Chuggington - When do you plan on finishing your training and doing some proper work? Just you wait until the high speed rail link comes through. You won't know what's hit you.

Ra-ra - sit down, shut up for 5 minutes and leave your friends to get on with whatever they were doing before you started with your brattish noise.

Funtime - my thoughts exactly, re. Mr Maker. I spend a lot of time hollering at the screen - 'if it's worth doing at all, it's worth spending longer on!' I mean, is he fostering a microscopic span of attention in our preschoolers or what?

I'm with u on the hive camper lol y r such young bees left on their own so much u can't leave them in charge of a shop they still in school for heavens sake lol

Glad it's not just me, Reshape. And I wish that he'd stop wasting so much card and felt and stuff. There is absolutely no need to cut out a tiny circle from the middle of a massive piece of card !

Katie from 'I can cook' - if you're going to bother to ask the children what they think something looks/tastes/sounds like, please have the decency to listen and respond approriately, instead of repeating what they've just said in a 'are you mad?' high-pitched shriek.

And it's I not i!

People of Greendale - you need to learn to plan ahead. If you order things in advance they instead of just before you desperately need them, then you allwill be able to get on with your lives instead of fretting that Pat isn't going to bring them on time. And ordering huge things like pianos to be rushed to you instantly by express delivery helicopter must be costing you all a fortune. Get yourselves organised and save the pennies by having them sent by the regular Royal Mail instead.

Grandpa. You are an atrocious excuse for a human being. Stop with all the scheming and passive-aggressive manipulation, and just try saying "No" in a firm, clear voice.

It works for all kinds of situations, from informing your sister she can't forcefeed your ill grandson "Green gloop", or telling some pushy people that the house isn't actually for sale.

Are you trying to get Jason and Jemima to grow up with the dysfunctional relationship you and Loretta have? Is that why Jemima doesn't get to find out about the shrinking cap?

Drummer from imagination movers, quit the embarrassing dancing and come live with me

Pui on show me show me- you are a miserable bitch and I can tell through your fake smiles, I think you might be depressed, please seek help

The Royal Mail has disassociated itself from Greendale now Cinnamon, following the zombie attacks that took place after Pat broke a parcel that contained Dr Gilbertson's corrupted samples of flesh eating viruses and Mrs Goggins went on a biting rampage.

The village was only saved because Ted Glenn was able to cobble together a machine to spray them all with a vaccine.

Royal Mail said they wanted no part of that, so Pat had to set up the Special Delivery Service instead. But it leaves the villagers with no choice but to have their pianos delivered by helicopter.

Meg: Change your cloak once in a while you dirty soap dodger.

Holly: Be nicer to your little sisters you horrid brat.

Daddy Pig: Heart disease is rapidly on the up in the UK, get yourself to the Dr's asap.

Fat controller: You're fired.

Upsy Daisy: Iggle Piggle is clearly in need of some educational/emotional assistance, stop bullying him you little bitch.

Charlie (from Fireman Sam): I know you probably feel inadequate next to your gloryseeking hero brother Sam but there is no need to. He is apparently married to his job whereas you have the lovely homely Bronwyn and the twins at home - who do you really think is the happiest?

Cast of Suite Life on Deck: You have all been doing this far too long, and it wasn't funny in the first place, stop now before you end up doing Suite Life in the Retirement Village.

Am so glad I haven't heard of most of these programmes, and am vowing not to let DC3 or 4 watch TV.

Postman Pat used to save the day. Now since SDS he is the problem not the solution.

Archie. It's not 'inventing' , it's arts and fucking crafts.

PC Plum - I would pay good money to commission an episode of CSI:Balamory and test your mettle.

Miss Hooley: How do you get your early years admin done on the schools computer? I only ask as its got a huge sticker across the whole screen.

Mr Maker: I am ready to have a rummage in your doodle drawers (stolen from a funny msner)

Aunty Mabel: I have enjoyed your documentary films on the UK's manufacturing industry. I often feel quite sad that the teapot factory and the wooden chair factory have most probably closed down now.

Tina the taxi driver on Me Too- you do realise Raymond is 'driving his train' into Chuck the ferryboat musician's 'tunnel', don't you?

PC Plum and Spencer - just go public with your manlove already, it's a thing of beauty. But if you really must stay in the closet, stop mincing round the town looking like one half of a poor mans Village People tribute band, nobody's fooled. Butch up a bit and get yerselves in a nice lavender marriage with Miss Hooley and Josie Jump.

Justin - You cant sing! No! You really can't!! STOP IT with your Justin's House flat-noted deafening songs. They're crap.

Deli - Please stop with the insipid girly-wirly giggly voice. Piss off on the lifty leaf over the trees to the sea and get lost.

Mr Maker - I'm a bit scared of you, your eyes are so starey.

Alwaysbe isn't Chuck the ferry boat trumpet player married to the blind man on the market stall? The little strumpet!!!

Miss Hooley needs to find somewhere interesting to go at the weekend- not always to Pocket & Sweets Cafe. How is she going to find sweet love if she hangs around a town with a population of 7???

Mr.Bloom: your vegetables all have really weird names. Why have you called your cabbage Margaret? Also, presumably you're planning on eating them one day, seeing as they're veg, so isn't the whole situation a bit macabre?
Drum off Zingzillas: talk properly. That's all.

Scooby and the gang...It's a bloke in a mask, just as it was the 1000 cases before this one. Stop being fucking dimwits.

Granpa...You are an odious turd, sod off!

Horrid Henry's parents...He's a little shite due to your parenting, it's your own fault.

Little Einsteins...Take a break and be real kids for a minute.

Tracy Beaker...Please get off our screens for the love of god

LizzieMo - Yes, but their marriage is a sham as he is a KGB operative and only married her for a cover story. He yearns for Svetlana, the love he left behind in the homeland.

Good God I need to get out more.

Mike the knight - bugger off you little self-righteous prick

Abney and Teal - you make me think of homeless children and pets living under bridges :(

Mr Bloom - nope. It's not working on me.

Justin - there's something wrong there.... not sure what but there is!