to need to say these things to children's TV characters?

[FannyPriceless]

Fat Controller: Your railway is in a terrible state of disrepair. Your rolling stock needs urgent maintenance. The number of brake failures and derailments is way above average. You are Potters Bar waiting to happen. Do something now.

Tombliboos: You need to get some better elastic for your trousers.

De Li, Yojojo, et al: A sentence includes an article. Subject-verb-noun does not cut it.

Dear Fimbles: please kill yourselves. NOW. The cyanide is over here.

(Not sure I'm entering into the spirit of this.)

Alwaysbe- No!!! I am truly shocked!! Now I understand why Chuck has turned to Raymond for comfort. (well, sort of understand. Raymond is just...well...yuk)

Jut googled mr bloom to see what the fuss is about...and ewwwww

However on the same page of images was johnny depp...and that is pure heaven!!

Fingermouse. Look behind you. You're attached to an arm!

Tiggy. Now if we're delving into that era...

Mr Jones the Station Master - believing that your engine talks, combined with the fact that your branch line hasn't been part of the network since Beeching's cuts, suggests that it might be time to accept help and seek alternative medication.

Jamie. It's not a magic torch. Chemicals are leaking from the battery and making you hallucinate. Get rid of it.

Bod. Take drugs or get a tattoo or something to be a bit less dull.

To the animals in the orchestra: Of course it's milkshake. Every bloody time it's milkshake. Don't feel so smug about knowing.

Blue string soup give you blue string soup disease. Stop eating the stuff.

TiggyD ''not a magic torch''

Bod: Why are you wearing a dress? Are you a boy or a girl?

Justin Fletcher: DESIST!

The Flumps - 'the dreaded blight' cannot be cured by a recipe from mad uncle Flump's gardening book. Burn the crop and try blight resistant varieties next year.

The Clangers - you need to get someone in to survey the long-term outlook for the soup wells. If it's not a renewable source, at the rate you're drinking it, you'll be starving by next Christmas. If it is a renewable source, ask yourselves, where's the Soup Dragon's loo ?

Swiper - you are a git. And Dora - you my dear are a pushover. Why do you let all the villains walk all over you? When they've tried to form a dictatorship/stolen all the colours/snatched all the Christmas presents why do you still include them in the inevitable party at the end? Grow some backbone girl and kick them out!

Pat/Sam/Fat Controller - I know that the pensions situation is bad but surely you're due for retirement? You've held the same jobs down for over 30 years, aren't you ready to take it easy now?

Granny Murray- you are not your mindees' grandmother. Stop it. And the fatuous nonsense you come out with does NOT "save the day", in fact it is often just gibberish. Why does everyone kowtow to you and let you patronise them? Are you threatening their kids?

Justin and Katie I Can Cook- Please don't sing any more. I'm begging you. Justin, give someone else the chance to have a show on CBeebies. You are clogging up the entire channel.

LSD Rabbit from Baby Jake- join a 12 step programme.

Female Tweenies- stop PREENING. FGS try putting on some proper playclothes and having some fun, rather than just being so bloody princessy.

Mr Bloom, your nefarious plot to put my child off eating vegetables in favour of cuddling them is pure evil.

Mister Maker: Let the kids do something for feck sake! How is it fun to watch a middle age man play with paint and glue?!?!

Sidebar: we were watching Mister Maker one time and I said 'And what are you suppose to do with that piece of crap?' and my then 2.5 year old, who has been less than articulate, said, clear as a bell 'piece of crap'. Figures.

Bagpuss - you may be narcoleptic. Seek help.

abney and Teal - stop letting neep gorge himself silly, he will explode one of these days. Porridge by the gallon is not good for a growing turnip.

Peppa, george, mummy pig and daddy pig.....your my roast dinner for next 6 months,

The Bops- please just fuck off. Fuck off hard. The pretty young girl will never have sex with either of you.

Chris from Show Me Show Me- The other posters can have Mr Bloom if I can have you. Deal? Lovely.

Dora- No wonder your parents let you disappear for days on end, you've probably driven them to drink.

Small Potatoes- my DD hates you, but DH and I adore you, please be on longer!

Oh no no no no no - hang on a minute - Chris is MINE! although I heard he's gay
He is the one guy on Cbeebies I genuinely do fancy. I like Sid too but if I bumped into Chris I'd get all flustered

YY to small potatoes - so cute! More like that please!

Mister Maker- Why do you feel the need to use umpteen different pieces of card to draw 2 circles? Whos going to wash up all those bowls you insit on using? And its not 'made in a minute' if you have to leave it for 24 hours to dry before you paint it. I suggest you take your Ritalin like a good little boy.

Max and Ruby- Get a better theme song. One with words. Better yet, just get off my TV.

Yo jo jo- please put some trousers on. A monkey in his pants is not what any of us need to see first thing in the morning. Unless its my DP.

The fairy womanchild from the Jimmer Jammers bedtime song- I hope you sue your parents for making you say 'tinkle' on national TV. And that none of your friends at school see it. My advice- take karate lessons. Youre going to need them.

Auntie Mabel I adore you.

Only a true acting pro of the old school could sing about making chairs in a factory and raw sewage cleaning filtration process with such panache.

PC Plum-Edie Macredies Tax disc appears to be very out of date, how about doing some police work instead of messing about with animals all the time, and the word is Dog not Doggy.

Veggies: You say you love Mr Bloom but he has you TRAPPED and is planning to EAT YOU!!! FLEE!!!

Yes! To adoration of Auntie Mabel. What a star! How can she make a trip around a penCIL factory so exciting!?

"Look at all the lovely penCILS

Little Einsteins: how do you get from Peru to Malaysia in 2 seconds? And then into space? And specifically Annie - you are supposed to be the singer of the group, why are you the WORST SINGER EVER?

Charlie and Lola's parents - you do realise that your son will hate you for making him pretty much bring up his little sister on his own? There's such a thing as too much responsibility you know. Give the poor kid a break.

Lightning McQueen and friends - how the FUCK do you exist? How does anybody make you when the other cars don't have hands? What happens when two cars get it on and want a baby? And how did they make the buildings?