to need to say these things to children's TV characters?

[FannyPriceless]

Fat Controller: Your railway is in a terrible state of disrepair. Your rolling stock needs urgent maintenance. The number of brake failures and derailments is way above average. You are Potters Bar waiting to happen. Do something now.

Tombliboos: You need to get some better elastic for your trousers.

De Li, Yojojo, et al: A sentence includes an article. Subject-verb-noun does not cut it.

Zingzillas: Stop stressing. It will be fine. In fact it will be the best Big Zing Ever. Again.

Lisianthus - "Justin, give someone else the chance to have a show on CBeebies. You are clogging up the entire channel." ROFL.

Bob - you are a one-man band with a part-time helper. So how come you have at least ten very expensive and shiny pieces of machinery but no transit van?

It's true Archie, if it's made out of a plastic cup or the inside of a toilet roll, then it's unlikely to be an actual 'invention.'

Charlie - you should not have to be responsible for your sister. You are a sweet, patient boy - talk to someone.

Mummy Pig, stop ripping the shit out of Daddy Pig for being fat. You are no Twiggy yourself.

Maisy mouse, why are there rabbits and cats that are so much smaller than you?

To everyone who lives in Pontypandy (yes all 14 of you) who lives in the other houses? Why are there 4 firepeople for 10 non firepeople? How the actual fuck did elvis get employed? Can I come and lamp you all one cos you do my head in!

And leave Justin alone, he's lovely! We know he can't sing but what bugger can on kids tv? The only requirements to be a childrens tv presenter are to be happy and jolly and really really enthusiastic about everything!

Snow White: FFS get some self esteem and stop voluntarily slaving away for random tiny men. At least ask for a cheque.

Bottle Top Bill: are you Justin Lee Collins?

Amy Duncan, thank you for such a good portrayal of early pregnancy symptoms, yes thank you for giving my 6 year old the knowledge to guess my pregnancy at 5 weeks

Indie, you're not special, you're annoying, nobody cares how to be you

Cody and bailey stop wasting your teens and have a little fun, please, oh and who does a practice date with the rich pretty not really friend of their girlfriend, really?

at some of these posts.

Mrs Turvey (little red tractor) - why are you hanging around with that loser, Mr Turvey, when Stan clearly fancies you rotten? Sort it out.

Zingzillas/tweenies, just shut. the. fuck. up.

Great aunt Loretta please, please go and see your GP for your MH issues

QuietNinjaLamp - it's not that Justin isn't talented - he is, he's great. It's just that when I am watching Mr Tumble that is the moment when, as a parent, I am furthest away from all the stuff I used to do before I was one - be cool, drink cocktails, stay out late, eschew anything to do with small children etc etc. I am not grateful to have been removed from all that, you see. So Justin is my rage transference object.

Message deleted by Mumsnet because it involve Barney and 134 variants on the word "Fuck", 27 types of "Cunt" and 6 uses of the word "Jedwood".

Teletubbies - tubby toast and tubby custard does not make a healthy balance diet

"Justins house"?

Should be called "Justins massive ego boosting vanity project"

Grrr.........

Oh, and PC Plum? Just shag Miss Hooley and get it over with, ok?

knitting tubby toast and tubby custard does look delicious though! We often have "tubby custard" at my house for afters!

tiggy

Bubble Guppies- I hate you anyway way, but singing a song about having 'a bunch if bones inside you' sounds crass. Also, don't patronise me by singing about how useful knees and ankles are- you don have legs!

Anyway way? My rage is making my writing skills plummet.

Pc plum, when you come out of the woods fiddling with your flies, what had you been doing?

Fimbles, do you find that your horrible synthetic nastiness is continually building up static and giving you electric shocks?

Auntie Mabel, why should you still have an aeroplane when Little Cook has to make do with a wooden spoon, we all have to realise that the economy cannot support such extravagance. When are you going to give up the luxuries and move to a two up two down in Salford like most of your colleagues?

Teletubbies, you need to move house and share with the inhabitants of the Night Garden..and recognise that the tubby toast is always burnt and will make you very ill one day.

Mummy Pig - you really don't have the physique for a f*cking boob-tube bikini, love - sort it out.

Balamory - Wearing your 'uniforms' to a wedding for christ's sake, especially you, Josie Jump, you could have left the neon tracksuit at home for a few hours.

Numberjacks - you are total utter shit.1+ 1 does not equal 11 as you suggested in one episode that I had the misfortune of seeing. Why do you live in the arm of a sofa? Why when you say 'oh no if we don't stop the shape japer anything could happen?' do you then list a series of completely random and inexplicable events? E.g. if we don't stop the shape japer a cow might get stuck up a tree, a tomato might come alive and perform a tap dance, a dog might shrink and get lost inside my brain.

Absolute shit!

Oh indeed "Numberjacks"

What a load of cack...

Oh how could we forget Numberjacks! shite of the first water.

Cartoonito karaoke kids - I intensely dislike all of you but particularly the 'green' one. Not sure why. Just stop it.

Bottletop Bill and his best friend Corky - Have you ever thought that you might have a problem with alcohol?