to need to say these things to children's TV characters?

[FannyPriceless]

Fat Controller: Your railway is in a terrible state of disrepair. Your rolling stock needs urgent maintenance. The number of brake failures and derailments is way above average. You are Potters Bar waiting to happen. Do something now.

Tombliboos: You need to get some better elastic for your trousers.

De Li, Yojojo, et al: A sentence includes an article. Subject-verb-noun does not cut it.

Why do Raa Raa, Zebby and Topsy live in the jungle anyway, I thought they were supposed to live on the savannah or something? Also why does Raa Raa have a full mane and a child's voice, only adult lions have manes.

Toby dog (from Abney and Teal): you can pretend all you like but whatever name you give the tune you are playing, we all know it's always the same bloody tune!

Little Princess - I hope you, your family and lackeys get shot in a dank cellar like the Romanovs, you spoilt brat.

Have I mentioned how much I love this thread? Another classic.

I. Can't. Breathe!!!! 30 weeks pregnant, have DEFINITELY weed a little! Also, my friend went to school with Mr Bloom - he is even more delicious in 'real life' pictures. I Facebook lurk on her page. A lot.

Princess Holly - it's not all about you!

Makka Pakka - let's talk about those stones....

Horrid Henry - without you, my world would be a happier place.

The Wonder Pets - Just take the 'phone of the fucking hook or else I'm come round there, smash it to bits and force feed it to all of you (especially the creepy turtle).

*I'll

(you see, they make me so irate, it messes with my typing!)

To the inhabitants of lazy town, come on, surely you can recognise Robbie Rotten, his disguises aren't that good. PS haven't watched it for a few years, they may have got better.

I wonder whather the real people in lazytown are superior and the puppets are second class citizens and subject to discrimination

I never knew so many people had a thing for Mr Bloom!!

DD and I have have seen him in RL. He has triangular moobs under that tank top, you know. I think he must have to wear the tank top to reduce the nipple show.

Dora: your voice is FUCKING annoying. You also need a hair cut, love.

To the Nanny (Milkshake Little Princess)- Do Not be fooled / flattered by the attention from The General- he only wants you as 'his beard'.

The Mr Bloom thing is totally confusing me!

Cheeky am so very - Mr Bloom is just lovely! Not at all so keen on him in costume but when I saw him as himself on tv last week...well, I so would

Why did I not go to school with someone like that??

Katie, put the fucking guitar down. Your signing is dire.
And it's worrying how obsessed you are with courgettes.

Little Cook Small, grow a pair and stop letting Big Cook take the piss.

Granny Murray, I don't think you are the actual Granny of any of those kids. They all look fucking frightened to death of you and WHAT is with the strange half man/stone thingy (Clive??) in YOUR HOUSE?!

Thomas, stop being such a little twat and just listen to the fat bastard!

Isaac, Baby Jake's brother: "Daisy, daisy doo" does not mean "I love you". He's trying to tell you to switch the TV on, in order to watch In The Night Garden.

Mr Bloom: where are the peas? We see them in a choir during a show song, and then never again. Are they not good enough to play with the other veggies? I think we should be told.

Stephanie in lazytown - you are what about 10? Why have your parents just let you move into town without any supervision/visits? Why is your uncle a puppet and you appear to be a girl?

Would they be happy to know how much time you spend with a man who wears spandex and a drawn on moustache who is about 20 years older? I am not sure what Reason there is for sportacus to spend so much time with kids - what are his eyfs/education/youth work experience cos I have yet to learn that back flipping into trees to rescue puppets is generally recognised as part of this.

Heh Dora (of The Explorer fame) and the equally loud Issac, brother o' Baby Jake: Stop shouting, dears! We can hear you.

I Can Cook Katy: Just admit it---you hate kids. You hate ALL of them.

And Dear Sweet Pui, bless your attempts at singing. But, uggh.

Residents of Pontypandy: when you laugh and point at Norman when he makes a fool of himself, you are contributing to his self-esteem issues and eagerness to make his mark. The cycle then begins again. Try being nice for once.

Zack and Cody: You are cute blond teens now - but in 10 years time you will be making a living by whoring yourselves out on various reality TV shows talking about your drugs and booze hell and how Disney chewed you up and spat you out.

Erm, Mr Bloom. Those veggies are far too big now to successfully transplant into the main allotment beds. In fact they're big enough to harvest. I've a lovely soup recipe you could borrow .

To the Farmyard Bunch. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you won't 'be friends forever down on Big Barn Farm.' I'm pretty sure that at least one of you will be taking a trip on the trailer of doom to the abbatoir within the year. And please send your programme makers on a photoshop course, so they stop airbrushing out your legs.

To the Pontypandy residents. Bella Lasagne is MISSING. Please check her cafe in case her badly decomposed body is lying on the floor next to the pizza oven. Or send Tom Thomas up in his copter to look for patches of freshly dug soil. Someone must know something.

Peppa Pig. Blow your feckin' nose!

Horrid Henry's parent - How on earth can you prefer Peter to Henry? Peter is an arrogant, poncey little shit, Henry might be naughty but at least he's got a bit of character.